Author's note: Slightly AU-ish in a way that Tony has seen Pepper in his vision - because I can't and will not accept the fact that her death isn't his worst fear.
Then I see your face, I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name, I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole
They drop Barton off first – he's basically bouncing all over the plane on the way to Idaho, eager to put the whole thing behind at last. Thor takes off next, determined to find Jane based on whatever Dr. Selvig told him about her latest project. Fury and Hill bid their farewells as well, set on filling Wanda in on the basics of what they all do to keep the world in one piece, with Natasha tagging along in hopes of using whatever's left of Fury's resources to try and track down Banner. Steve disappears last, mentioning something vague about the search of some sort.
When Tony is finally back to the Stark Tower, it's night and he's alone. They'll all come back, he knows it, but they need some time away from one another, to recharge and get their thoughts together. To remember that they are individuals and not just one collective mind united by a desire to make a difference. Everyone needs that now and then.
When he reaches the residential level – the elevator still working, much to his surprise – Pepper is already there, standing by one of the windows and looking out at the night lights of Manhattan. The room is littered with the pieces of broken furniture and shattered glass. It crunches underneath his feet, sounding oddly loud in near complete silence.
She doesn't turn and her face reflecting in the glass is unreadable. His hands itch to reach for her, and he stuffs them into the pockets of his pants, deciding to tread the water first. After all, it's not every day that his creations break small European countries just for the hell of it. He winces at the thought.
"Quite the view, huh?" Tony says quietly as he stops beside her and takes in the glowing and flickering skyline. He forgets sometimes just how breathtaking it can be – like when he's too engrossed in trying to change the world to notice anything around him. Like when it took him ten years to see that the best thing in his life has been right in front of him all along. No wonder he can be off-track now and then. He's working on it, and some day he'll get better.
"You made the news again," Pepper responds, and he wishes she'd look at him so he could at least try to guess just how much trouble he's in – not with the press, with her.
"At least it wasn't anything scandalous this time." He hopes it's a good thing. It sure is a rare one. "Did I miss anything exciting?"
"A couple of date nights." She does turn at last, taking in a coupe of fresh bruises on his face, an exhausted slump of his shoulders. She doesn't look angry, although they both know she has every right to be.
"I can make up for that." And he will.
"It was quite a party I missed, huh?" Her glance swipes the torn apart room, and he can't help but follow it, trying to see it the way she sees it, wondering how much worse it looks to her. After all, he's not that unfamiliar with that kind of … environment.
"I'm glad you did," he blurts out, surprising himself by how true it actually is. "I wasn't then, but with everything that happened…" He waits for her to look at him again. It's not the kind of talk he's normally comfortable with and it makes him shift from foot to foot. "There's no situation in which I wouldn't put you first, above and before everything and everyone else. And when the psycho bots attack… it probably wouldn't have ended well. Not after-"
"Not after what?"
Tony hesitates, suddenly embarrassed by talking about his vision with someone who haven't had the pleasure of experiencing Wanda's powers on their own skin. It feels weird, and saying it out loud also makes it more real somehow. Yet it also feels like he can't just shrug it off now.
"The girl… one of the Strucker's experiments…" he begins, hoping he'd find the right words. "She showed me something. Something awful." The memory sends a shiver down his spine. "I had to do what I did because I can't keep losing the people I care about. I can't lose you."
"And where does that leave me, Tony?" She sounds as desperate as he feels. "What do you think it's like to watch you actively try to kill yourself on a daily basis?"
He opens his mouth to say that he doesn't care - what does it matter if he lives or dies anyway? As long as she is the one who gets to see another day, that is. But it sounds awful and selfish and wrong even in his mind, and so he clears his throat instead, antsy and out of place in his own skin all of a sudden.
"Do you want me to quit?" He asks after a pause, uncertain of what answer he wants to hear.
"No. I want you to remember that you have something to live for."
She looks scared and sad, and more tired than he's comfortable with, and maybe a little pissed, but not about the broken vases – that much he is sure of. He kind of hates himself for putting her through all of this, for not being able to make things right and just be someone normal, someone who would make her happy instead of saying every goodbye like it's the last time and hoping he's wrong. And he has no idea if there's even a way to thank her enough for not running for the hills. He might need to start working on that, perhaps.
Tony takes in a sharp and shaky breath. "I know it was stupid and not as thought-through as it should've been, and it didn't end well, but I'm not sure I'd be able to live with myself if I didn't try. And now we're in a mess again, and if there is a way to fix it, I don't see it yet."
A small ghost of a smile tugs at the corners of Pepper's mouth, and when she speaks, her voice is soft. "From what I've heard, you kind of already did."
"Except we had to blow up a country to do it, but that's just details, right?" He looks down at the shards of glass at his feet. "We also lost someone. A kid whose parents also died because of me."
In his pockets, his hands ball into fists, and he'd be happy to put one of them through a wall to ease the pain and guilt bubbling up inside of him. He can feel Pepper watch him.
"You can't keep doing this to yourself, Tony. You can't keep blaming yourself for how the others used your weapons."
"But I can't not do it either." He shakes his head, meeting her eyes again. "I can't stop thinking of all the lives that ended because of me. And it's not like I didn't know what I was doing, Pep. It's not like I was making stuffed toys that someone turned into bombs without my knowing it."
He doesn't want her to remind him that his weapons also saved lives, many lives actually, and that he should remember that as well, because it wouldn't change the way he feels about all the grief he's caused one way or the other.
She doesn't say any of this, much to his relief.
He tugs at the sleeve of her jacket, and when she doesn't resist, he pulls her close, allowing her to run her hand through his hair, her fingers hovering for just a heartbeat over the cut on his cheekbone that still feels tender to the touch. His lips graze her forehead before she rests her chin on his shoulder and he is finally able to let out a contented sigh.
She is warm and solid and smells of vanilla and oranges, and this scent alone sends his head spinning. There is nothing in the world he needs more than her, and it frightens him, makes him hold on tighter – just for a moment, a minute, forever. His mind goes back to what he said to Steve at the farm – what are they fighting for if not for this?
The vision from the Strucker's Frankenstein lab is clear before his eyes, and he blinks fast to push it away, trying not to think of how every single one of their victories feels more like a bargain, a calm before the storm, or, in their case, before the bigger disaster strikes. He's on enough painkillers now to not be able to think clearly for at least a week, but he knows that the danger will not stop coming, and the thought leaves a dull ache in his chest. Although that might also be his ribs. It might not be a bad idea to get an x-ray machine of his own, perhaps.
"Are you mad?" He asks quietly, and his heart skips a beat as he waits for her answer.
"I am," Pepper admits and pulls back just far enough to see the ruins of what used to be their living room over Tony's shoulder as she tries not to think of what his lab must look like. Or the other two floors, for that matter. "You can't keep turning this place into your playground whenever you please."
He can't help smiling at this, can't help breathing deeper (despite the burning pain, goddamn those ribs!) He's not out of the woods yet, and he's sure he'll hear more about the whole Ultron thing later, or maybe not – Pepper's never been the one to judge… too much.
"I thought you liked redecorating."
"This may come as a surprise to you, but there is actually a difference between liking and not having any other choice."
"Really? I always thought you were having fun." He grimaces when she gives him a look. "Too soon?"
"There's nothing normal in having a dozen contractors on speed dial."
"Well, everyone needs a hobby…"
"Don't push it." She sighs, and he reaches to tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "I've heard about Bruce."
"Can't really blame the guy. Also can't believe I didn't think of it first – I mean, taking off just so you wouldn't have to deal with the changes in your personal life is, like, 7th grade kind of thing, but think of all the benefits."
Pepper half snorts and shakes her head. She takes his hand and, when Tony winces a little, turns it over to reveal and cut across his palm, no longer bleeding but not any less unpleasant-looking. She looks at it for a very long time as if she can see every single one of his bruises in it. And once again Tony thinks that she's dealing with more than she's bargained for. This isn't the kind of life she deserves, but it's the only one he can offer.
"We better take care of this," she tugs at his other hand and he follows her towards the stairs, forgetting about the broken ribs, the nightmares, and the fact that every day can the last one for them in about a million ways he can't even begin to imagine. He'd follow her to the gates of hell, perhaps. Not that it matters. Not that he hasn't already been there. Not that he wouldn't go all the way there for her.
Later, when he's dozing off with his hand tracing lazy circles on Pepper's back as he holds her close (as much as his broken body would allow), the sense of calm finally settles over him for good. Or so it seems for now. And for now, it's enough.
"Tony?" Her voice, a sleepy murmur, pulls him out of his thoughts.
"Mmm?"
"Prima Nocta? Seriously?
He blinks, racking his brain for what she can possibly be talking about. And then winces, mostly amused, but also busted. "Damn it, they just can't keep their mouths shut, can they?"
"Language."
I've come undone
But you make sense of who I am
Like puzzle pieces in your hand
A/N: Thanks for reading :) Comments are always appreciated! xo