It had been inevitable really, he thought. He hadn't wanted it consciously, and yet he helped make it certain. Had he given thought to what both shamed and enthralled him, he would've known to expect it. As it was, he had traveled anticipating an unknown destination, relying on a flickering headlight down an ill-used path.
He'd chosen this path once he'd started lying to her, he understood. It had been easy, given the nature of his work, but her blind acceptance and unwavering trust unsettled him. Even before his work had taken this god-awful turn, he'd never been comfortable with lying to her. It was that first time that was his ultimate betrayal, he thought. It had set a precedent--allowed him to keep odd hours, allowed him to close himself off from her. Funny thing was, it hadn't been reprehensible on either the personal or professional level. Discretion just had been expected of him. At that time, he hadn't realized what he'd done, what fate he'd committed himself to. He laughed nervously at this thought. Had he wanted it all along?
He was under his hold from the onset, he admitted. Before they'd involved themselves in this plot, before it became physical. He knew this always; he would have expected it if he allowed himself to expect such things. He thought of the other's dominance, exerted from the beginning. He'd found certain comfort in it, even while he hated it. Once he'd realized just how bad a situation he was in, he could no longer escape from it. And once he had been dominated in that final, intimate way, he wasn't certain he wanted to escape anymore.
By all standards, it couldn't be judged enjoyable, he knew. And yet there was something within him--too pleasurable to be resignation, too violent to be comfort. It had felt right, he thought. He wouldn't--he couldn't--have fought it. It had been unavoidable.
He thought about those rough hands, demanding what would have been given, if only asked. But that wasn't their nature; discussion and questions could not be expected--only non-verbal dictates and silent submissions. He thought about all this as again he gave what demanded to be taken.
"Ah, god fuck it, Hale!"
It was inevitable really, he thought.