Author's note: The Northampton arc has always been one of my very favourites whatever the turtleverse, because I'm a bit of a sadist/masochist where feels are concerned. So naturally it was what sprang my very first TMNT plot bunny to life (Culture Shock just came out quicker). I haven't written anything in first person POV since 2009 and The Man That Got Away, and I don't know if I really pulled it off here, so let me know whether it works for you or not?

Also, side note: English isn't my native tongue and I write with British English spelling, so a few extra "u"s and "l"s are to be expected here and there.

Big thanks to ChaosandMayhem, who still sticks with me after all these years and indulges in my flights of fancy :o]

Disclaimer: The turtles, April and Casey are Nickelodeon's (but created by Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird). As usual, I only own the cover picture (which is a drawing I made a little while ago, only with a lame attempt at a background).

After-effects

When I was, what, seven or eight, Leo took me on this super-secret-don't-tell-anyone-triple-ninja's-promise trip to the surface.

It's weird, now I think about it, 'cause we're probably all the same age, so Leo must have been seven or eight, too. But he's been our big brother for so long that it's one of those things that just are, y'know? Like, the sun is yellow, Raph is angry, and Leo's the oldest. And I'm the youngest … I think. I've always been the smallest, so no argument there. It's a lot fuzzier with Raph and Donnie, but since Raph has this violently protective vibe when he's not being snarky – plus he was the tallest for a long time – and Donnie's never really wanted to be the big brother anyway, we all kinda agreed that it was Leo, then Raph, then Donnie, and then me. Never really talked about it, though.

Maybe Leo and Raph are actually twins? Really, really different twins? If it turns out I'm right, dibs on the popcorn when they find out. I have no idea what'll happen, but I want to see that show. Man, the faces they would make.

What was I saying? Oh, right, super-secret trip and Leo being the big bro.

Like I said, it just worked out that way. He was the big brother way before Sensei made him the leader. Even when he's geeking out on Space Heroes, or being a total dork, or when he gets really bossy about training, or when he gives me his I-can't-believe-you-actually-said-that look – he has that … thing that just … I don't know. If he's there, it's gonna be okay.

It's kind of dumb, I know. I mean, nothing's been okay since New York.

But … Let me tell you a story. And then I'll get back to the surface trip, I promise.

We all slept together in a big turtle pile when we were really small. I guess the lair was a lot colder before Donnie jury-rigged a heating system. After a while, though, Master Splinter found us beds and managed to make a room for each of us, with a door and everything.

Don't get me wrong, I loved having my own room. It was great to have a place to pile my stuff that was just mine. But I was so used to sleeping with Donnie's elbow in my neck and Raph's smelly feet near my face and Leo all sprawled around us, you know? So sometimes I'd wake up after a nightmare and freak out 'cause my brothers weren't there and it didn't feel right.

One time after a nightmare I tried sneaking into the dojo to sleep the rest of the night with Master Splinter, like we did when we were tiny turtle tots. I made it to the door before he woke up and saw me. (Our dad is a really, really light sleeper. I don't know if it's a rat thing or a ninja thing, and I'm not dumb enough to ask, whatever Raph says.)

Well, I was busted. Sensei said I'd gotten too old to bunk with him, but he was really nice about it. We talked a little bit, he made me herbal tea that smelled like feet (not Raph's, though, that'd be too horrible), and stayed with me until I was sleeping. No more nightmares that night. Sensei scared them away, I guess. He's badass like that.

(Was. No, is. Please be alive, Sensei.)

… Sorry. Kind of spazzed out a little there.

Anyway, the next time I woke up and panicked, I didn't want to bother Splinter (plus I didn't like that herbal tea much) so I stayed clear of his room. I thought, if I go to Raph's room, he'll call me a baby and just frog march me back to bed. He says I cling worse than a squid. I guess I do, but that's just because I'm so cute and cuddly! One of these days I'll sneak up on him at night, go "Release the Kraken" in a really deep voice like in that movie with the undead pirate octopus and jump him. Or not, 'cause I like not being pummelled and there's a good chance Raph might do that if I prank-Kraken him while he's sleeping.

(I've bunked with Raph a few times since the Kraang invasion. He doesn't make me go back to my bed, just looks at my face, says "Nightmare?" and scoots over a little. I try not to cling too much, and I think he tries not to push me out of bed. He's not as good as Sensei at scaring bad dreams away, but most of the time, it works.)

Or I could go to Donnie. I've done it before. He makes this weird "meh" face when I ask him if I can bunk with him, but he doesn't seem to mind that much. He doesn't even snore, he just makes this funny whistling sound. I think it's because of that gap between his teeth? Anyway, that's not the problem. The dude is a freaking starfish. He'll start the night nice and tucked in right beside you, and you'll wake up on the floor while Donatello is spread like jam across the bed, or his legs dangle near your face and his pillow is full of feet. Don't be judgy. It's a thing.

So I ended up in Leo's bed a lot when we were little. He mumbled a bit, and sometimes I'd wake up and he was pushing me off because I kinda clung to him till he was on the edge of the bed, but still, it was nice, having my big bro all to myself. We talked and talked about Space Heroes and zombie werewolves and who would win a fight between pirates and astronauts. (It's pirates, obvs, and Raph agrees with me. Only Leo and Donnie think the astronauts would win. Laaame.)

Eventually I stopped waking up and freaking out, but I know sometimes Leo still leaves his door open so he can hear if there's a problem. Like, after the Shredder kicked our butts that first time, or after Spike turned into a huge monster and pounded us into a pulp. Even Raph had nightmares after that, and let me tell you something about my bro, he's hardcore.

(Now Leo sleeps in a tub in the bathroom and we leave our doors open in case he wakes up. It's been five weeks.)

What? Oh yeah, super-secret trip. You thought I'd forgotten, didn't you?

Before Master Splinter allowed us to go to the surface, we didn't go up so much. Well, I didn't, anyway. We had the entire sewer system to explore, skate in, scare ourselves with and everything – what did we need the surface for?

… Yeah, okay, I totally wanted to go up, too. I thought humans were awesome and I wanted human friends real bad. And that didn't turn out too bad, right? April is awesome, Casey's pretty cool, and Murakami-san is great, and … probably mutated into Kraang squishy right now like the rest of Manhattan.

Stupid Kraang. I wish they'd all stayed in their stupid dimension. I wish they'd all died when the Technodrome crashed into the river last year. I wish I wasn't about to cry again because Leo.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure Donnie snuck up at least once, though, because some of his tech stuff was way too nice to have come in through the sewers. I think he got most of the parts for the computer from the junkyard. And of course Leo and Raph snuck up topside at least once, on a dare. But me? Not so much.

So anyway, there's Leo, wearing an old hoodie and a goofy hat (we look ridiculous in human clothes, but dude, New York City winters are brutal), making me triple-ninja's-honour-promise not to tell anyone where we're going.

"Even Donnie?"

"Even Donnie."

"Even Raph?"

"Even Raph."

"Even Sensei?"

"Especially Sens—Mikey, that's everyone we know! Just don't tell anyone, all right?"

I promised, and Leo made me grab another sweater and a blanket before we went. And a scarf. I swear, sometimes he's worse than Master Splinter.

We didn't walk a long time, but it must have been a while because I remember I asked Leo where we were going at least twenty-five times. Around the seventeenth "are we there yet" he had this look on his face he gets when he watches Space Heroes and Raph makes snarky comments from the couch.

(The other day, me and April and Raph were watching TV and Space Heroes came on. Raph looked like he was gonna set the TV on fire, but then he got up, all stiff and slow, and just went upstairs real quietly. April put her head on my shoulder and maybe we cried a little bit.)

Anyway. We walked down a big pipe that would have been perfect for skating (except for the ankle-deep freezing water) and came up to a big grate. I thought Leo had goofed up and gotten us lost, but he ran all the way to the grate, then turned back with this huge smile.

"C'mon, Mikey. You'll want to see this."

My feet were cold and wet and I was hungry and this close to whining that I wanted to go home … But Leo was beaming and I got curious. So I walked up to him and looked beyond the grate.

We have a skylight in the lair, sorta, so whenever it's sunny there's this great yellow light that comes down and warms you right up, so it's not like we never see the sunlight. But I had never seen clouds before except in pictures.

I bet Leo had, though, because he kept looking at me like I look at Raph, Donnie and him when there's something really awesome on TV and I'm just waiting for them to love it as much as I do.

Small white things were falling from the grey clouds, into the river and on the buildings on the other side, and I thought, "Okay, snow." I guess I hadn't really thought about snow before – what it was, what it felt like, where it came from and everything; that's what Donnie does, anyway. His head is full of questions and answers. Sometimes his answers are more confusing than the questions and he has to dumb them down for us, but it's okay. It's Donnie. He built a mecha in a sewer, with a box of scraps (he's totally Iron Turtle). He's scary smart but he's an idiot around April. Our bro, the world's dumbest genius.

Anyway, snow? Probably the prettiest thing I've ever seen, even if you count that time when something made the water look like a rainbow three pipes from the lair. (Turns out, it was gas. Oops. For the record, fire in a sewer? Not pretty.) I don't know how long I stood there for, mouth open like a big idiot, watching the snowflakes fall. It was hard to keep my eyes on just one, so I stopped pretty quick and just enjoyed the show.

"That's the East River," whispered Leo. "Brooklyn's on the other side."

The river looked huge, the same grey as the sky, like some kind of giant mirror only broken in lots of places. I wondered if Brooklyn was a foreign country because it looked so far away. And then I remembered hearing it was part of New York. It got me thinking, Dude, and I thought the city was big. It's freaking ginormous.

The buildings on the other side were tiny and all looked the same dark grey colour. Donnie told me later that it was the light coming from behind them – because it was morning – making them look darker. That makes no sense, though. If there's light, shouldn't they be lighter or something? Maybe Donnie goofed on that one. You can't be a genius all the time.

I didn't say anything, and Leo didn't say anything else, either. We just stayed there for a long time, watching the snow fall. The stinky water we were standing in didn't get any warmer, but it's not like we noticed.

The water and the wind turned our feet into feetsicles, but man, still one of the best moments in my life.

That night when I went to bed I could still see snowflakes falling when I closed my eyes. So I opened them again.

Close.

Open.

Close.

Open.

Snow was still there.

It got old after a while (and okay, I was a little scared that something was wrong with me, too) so I got out of bed and into Donnie's room, because, hey, that's what you do when you got a question and you don't want to ask Sensei – ask Donnie.

(The other day I asked Donnie why Leo still hadn't woken up after a month and a half. He looked dead tired but he smiled a little and said it's just the way Leo's body is healing. It takes time.

Then later I heard Donnie tell April that he was really worried because the longer Leo's in that coma, the harder it will be for him to wake up. If he wakes up. Then Donnie didn't say anything for a while. When I peeked around the door frame he was just standing in the kitchen looking at the floor. I couldn't see his face, but his shoulders were shaking, and when April put her arms around him he didn't hug her back for a long time, like he hadn't noticed she was hugging him tight. April hugged Donnie and Donnie didn't react.

I ran out so fast. I don't know if I wanted something to punch, or hug, or yell at, I just ran. Raph says he found me a while later in the chicken coop trying to name the chickens, and I was freaking out because I couldn't think of anything to name them.)

So asking Donnie was a no-brainer. If Master Splinter found out Leo and me snuck out to the surface he would make us do a thousand push-ups. And then randori. And then Raph would snark because we got caught. No thanks.

Donnie was not happy when I woke him up. Surprise.

"Mikey, what are doing – what time is it – do you even have the –"

"Sorry, bro," I said quickly. "It's just that I can't get the snow out of my eyes and I wasn't supposed to see it and now it won't go away."

"What are you—"

I told him everything, how Leo and I snuck out to see the snow, and now I couldn't close my eyes and not see it. By the time I was done, Donnie was sitting up in bed, blinking at me.

"So there you go," I said. "I can't unsee those snowflakes even when I close my eyes real tight. Is that a surface thing? Does that happen every time you see snow? 'Cause I don't want to see snow again. It's nice but I really want to sleep now and it's freaking me out. Also—"

"Mikey. Stop." Donnie rubbed his eyes and started to say, "In a nutshell, you're having elementary visual hallucinations because your brain was subjected to a strong visual stimulus long enough to make an imprint. It's just an after-effect of …"

Yup, that's my Donnie for you. Most people tend to skip long words when they're tired, but when he's sleepy he has to think to remember to use short words, especially when he's talking to me.

I just nodded and smiled and tried not to yawn too much (man, I was beat) and when he stopped I grinned and said, "I totally knew that. Right. So the snow didn't fry my brain, then?"

Donnie blinked. Then he smiled.

"No, there's nothing wrong with your brain. It's just tricking you into thinking you're still watching the snow, but that goes away after a while."

"Wow. I didn't know my brain could do that."

"Well, you're not a scientist. And there's a lot of things even scientists aren't sure of about the human brain, Mikey. I imagine a mutant turtle's brain would be just as puzzling to figure out."

"Does that mean we could have superpowers and we don't know it yet?"

Donnie laughed quietly. "I don't think so. Unless being a ninja counts."

"Bummer, dude."

Then he scooted over to give me some room, and when I was all tucked in beside him under the pile of covers he keeps on his bed in the winter I heard him whisper, "So, the surface, the snow … What was it like?"

Wow, we ended up talking a lot that night.

So that's it – the Story Of When Mikey Saw Snow For The First Time. I've been thinking about it a lot, lately. Especially the part where I couldn't sleep because I kept seeing the snowflakes falling when I closed my eyes, white on black, even hours later.

Well, when I close my eyes now it's not snow I see falling. It's Leo, and a whole mess of glass from the window they threw him through. I keep watching him fall in slow motion, like in the movies, and the broken glass pieces glint all around him like the East River did that one time. And when it's not Leo, it's the Shredder throwing Master Splinter down that drain. (Man, the Shredder. I can't believe I thought I hated the guy before. Dude. I didn't even come close.)

This time I'm not asking Donnie about it. I know better. I don't want to make him cry, and I think we all see stuff when we close our eyes anyway.

Even Casey. The other day I caught him on the stool in the bathroom, talking to Leo real quietly. It was kinda weird, because Casey mostly hangs out with Raph. I don't think he would even tell Leo all that if he were awake, though? Like, he was talking about his dad and his little sister, how he missed them, and how it was complicated with April and Donnie because April's awesome and Donnie's kind of a jerk about the whole thing but a great dude anyway …

I backed out pretty quick. Sometimes I talk to Leo too and I don't really want somebody listening in from behind the door. Not sure Leo actually hears a word we say to him, but hey, maybe if we talk to him long enough, he'll wake up.

Or not.

I don't know.

I try not to think about that.

Most of the time it works, because I'm feeding the chickens, watching TV with Raph, fixing the barn roof with Casey, hanging out with April and Ice Cream Kitty, or holding tools for Donnie (even though he gets annoyed that I keep handing him the wrong ones). Y'know, sometimes it's nice to be easily distracted.

And when it doesn't work … Well. Maybe if – when – Leo wakes up and we find our dad again, I'll stop seeing stuff fall when I close my eyes.

In the meantime, time for some Crognard the Barbarian action. Whatever works, dude.

THE END

One of the things I love most about the 2012 turtles is their interactions (which almost makes up for the relative lack of tight, three- or four-episode narrative arcs), and I tried to do these guys justice. Maybe someday, if I'm feeling bold, I'll try to do something else in Mikey's voice when he's not feeling so glum (their situation's pretty bleak at the beginning of "Within the Woods", and I wanted to address that, too).

In the meantime, I hope you liked :o]