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A Hogwarts Home Companion

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a Harry Potter/Prairie Home Companion crossover

by DireSquirrel

(who owns none of this)

Act I

So you find out that your teacher, your teacher who for the entire school year has caused you aggravation both in and out of potions class, is going after the Philosopher's Stone. The Stone, which is one of the most powerful magical items of all time, and your professor is going after it. He wants to steal it, to take it for himself. So you and your friends go to your head of house, and tell her that your professor is going to steal the Stone. Minerva McGonagall, your Head of House, the Deputy Headmistress, doesn't believe you. She doesn't even know how you found out about the Stone. But she doesn't believe you.

So you and your friends need to go on your own. Three first years against the meanest teacher in the school, but there's nobody else. So you keep going. You get passed the gigantic three headed dog; passed the plant that wants to strangle you; you manage to get the key to open the door. Your friend sacrifices himself in a gigantic game of chess, so you and your other friend can keep going. There was a troll, a troll that is much easier to pass than the last troll you came across, but only because your teacher, your evil, nasty teacher, has already killed it. Then there is the penultimate challenge, but only you can go on. Only one at a time may go through. So you do, leaving your last friend behind.

You walk through the flames, but it isn't the evil, nasty teacher you thought it would be. It's another one. But he turns and it ends up that the mass murderer who killed your parents, the dark wizard who made you an orphan, isn't dead at all. He's living on the back of your professor's head, and has been for months. And he wants to return. That's why he wants the Stone. He wants the power. But you get the Stone first. He attacks with spells, but your touch burns him. He flies off, swearing revenge; swearing revenge for the actions of a child, you. You pass out on the cold hard floor. You don't know if anyone's coming to rescue you.

You wake up and find out the dark wizard escaped. And two people are going to die because you couldn't stop him. Then they send you home. Home to your Aunt and Uncle's house. Your aunt and uncle who hate you. They send you to your cousin that likes to hunt you like hounds after a fox. They send you back to the aunt and uncle who made you live in a cupboard for almost ten years. You hope, you hope that things can get better, but they don't. They get worse. Your things are taken away, locked up so you can't use them and bars are put on your window so you can't leave.

A little elf thing shows up in your room and tells you not to go back to school. Tells you to stay with your aunt and uncle, your aunt and uncle who hate you, because it isn't safe at school. Tells you to stay home. You argue, you try to get some more information, but it refuses. Then at dinner it makes a platter float. Your uncle is furious with you. He's saying all these horrible things about what he's going to do to you. And then, and then a letter shows up. Oh no! You've been expelled. You've been expelled and it wasn't your fault, but the elf thing is gone. Gone who knows where.

Eventually you get rescued and make it to the train, but the entrance is closed. You can hear, on the other side, you can hear the train pulling out of the station and you're not on it. You make it to school and only almost die five times from either nearly falling out of the flying car or flying the car into a tree, a tree of a type that has been known to kill people. You get to school and for a short time it seems like things are getting back to normal, but then a cat is attacked. A cat is attacked and then people are attacked. The people are frozen, petrified, not dead, but only barely.

And people think it's your fault. They think it's your fault because you can talk to snakes. Your friend abandons you because everyone thinks you're just like the man who killed your parents. You're almost alone. And then you are, because your other best friend is attacked by the same thing that attacked the others. But you find out where it is, you and your other friend, who only grudgingly decided it wasn't your fault, that you weren't the attacker, you and your friend go to your professor, the replacement for the one who tried to steal the Stone, and he tries to cast a spell in the tunnel.

The tunnel collapses, separating you from your friend. But you keep going. You keep going passed the snake door and into the Chamber of Secrets. There's a strange boy there. Your friend's sister is on the ground unmoving. The strange boy reveals that he's the same as the man who murdered your parents. He's been attacking people all along. And he's got your wand. He calls out a command and a snake, the largest snake you've ever seen, a snake larger than you even thought possible, starts attacking you. It opens its mouth and all you see are teeth.

Wouldn't this be a great time for a piece of rhubarb pie? Yes, nothing gets the taste of shame, humiliation and certain death out of your mouth quite like Bebop-A-Reebop Rhubarb Pie.

"One little thing can revive a guy,
and that is a piece of rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought
Momma's little baby loves rhubarb rhubarb,
Be-Bop-A-Re-Bop Rhubarb Pie"

And then you realize your mother's been dead for almost all of your life... Might as well have a second slice.

Harry paused and looked around for the source of the narration.

"But I don't even like rhubarb!"