Disclaimer: Don't own Death Note or any of its characters.

"Selfish"

A (onesided?) youxL fic

—November 4, 2004—

The two of you were standing in his room when it happened. L had summoned you for something, but you didn't expect anything like this…

"(Name), I'm dismissing you."

You froze when you heard those words. With wide eyes you stared up at L, your lip trembling. You felt a sour feeling of foreboding coil in your stomach.

"E-excuse me," you stuttered. "What do you mean L?"

L's face was impassive, showing no emotion what-so-ever. He stared down at you with hollow dark eyes. That look chilled you because never in all your years as L's assistant had you seen that look on his face. It was too dead, lacking the gusto that L always had when on a case he was deeply interested in.

Kira probably had something to do with that.

"To put it bluntly, Miss (Name)," he said. "I'm firing you."

Your heart jumped a beat and your breathing was close to becoming erratic. You bit your lip and tried to keep tears from falling, though they had already started to flood your vision. You swallowed hard, trying to clear the lump that had formed in your throat.

Your voice nearly cracked when you spoke. "But, why?"

L turned his head to the side, breaking eye contact with you. You still couldn't read the expression in his eyes because he had lowered his head so his hair was shielding his eyes from you. You felt anger surge through you suddenly, and it increased even more when he didn't give you an answer.

"Is it about the Kira case, is that it?" you nearly screamed at him. "L, I can handle this case. Light doesn't know my name, and I always keep my face hidden around Misa!" Tears slipped out of your eyes and down your cheek. It hurt so much.

"Please tell me, what did I do so wrong that you consider me a liability?"

He seemed to pause thoughtfully at that. "You did nothing wrong, (Name). Your services are just no longer needed," he replied softly, still not looking at you.

You were afraid. You had been with L all this time, working for him and helping him with a case if he needed it (which was close to never, really). This whole "detective's assistant" job wasn't meant to be anything more than that—a job. You weren't supposed to get so attached to L, but you did. Hell, you weren't supposed to even think about falling in love with him, but you had anyway.

You had thought he had felt at least a little fond of you. After all, though he could get annoying with his teasing, L was friendly with you—well, as friendly as he could allow himself to get anyway, but you appreciated him anyway. He knew that your loyalty and trust in him knew no bounds, as long as it didn't endanger him in any way. If he said jump, you'd ask, "How high".

So, why was he turning you away?

"How does Watari feel about this?" you asked bitterly. Watari was like an uncle to you and you felt he also had affection for you. You didn't think the man would agree to L's decision.

"Watari has already packed your belongings and is waiting for you downstairs in the car," L replied coldly. "He will take you to the airport, where you'll catch your flight home."

'Home.' You hadn't heard that word for a while. The memories of your family came up in your mind. You barely saw them anymore in the five years you'd been employed by L. Being assistant to the world's greatest detective certainly didn't involve vacations, so you mostly communicated with your family by phone and e-mail. Whether you had past issues with them or not, you had admitted to yourself that you did feel a little homesick for those familiar faces.

But still, you didn't want to leave L, especially when there was no chance of seeing him again. You wanted to stay by his side to the end, even if there was a chance that he didn't feel the same. And you were desperate to do anything to change his mind and let you stay.

So, before you could stop yourself, you said it—actually, you kind of blurted it out.

"I love you."

L visibly tensed and, though you might have imagined it, his body seemed to be trembling.

"I love you, L," you repeated with more conviction. You opened your mouth to say more, but you were interrupted quickly.

"I know!"

You cringed, shrinking back away from L. He never raised his voice. His voice was always monotonous and calm, almost cold sometimes. Granted, he hadn't yelled at you, but his voice did raised somewhat, releasing an emotion that you felt was akin to anger. That was probably as close as a yell L would ever do.

L turned his head to look down at you, making you freeze. His previously emotionless eyes revealed anger and another heated emotion you couldn't name. His jaw was clenched and his arms were twitching. You wouldn't be surprised if his hands, which had been jammed in his jean pockets, were clenched into fists. His tense shoulders were raised as he took a few deep breaths.

The room was silent as L got himself composed. The only thing you could hear was the pounding of the storm outside and the sound of your heart breaking. Eventually, he retained his impassive expression once again, and then faced you.

"I know, (Name). I've always known," he said, his voice back to its firm tone. "And that's why you have to leave."

You didn't say anything—you couldn't say anything. You felt your face burn with bitter embarrassment, and your eyes leaked with tears. Your chest ached painfully as sobs threatened to rise from your throat.

"Please, (Name)," L pleaded softly. "If you still have those feelings for me, then you will respect my last command for you. It would make me very happy," he added at your silence.

That wasn't fair; he was using your feelings for him against you. Then again, are you really surprised? L had no qualms with manipulating you through your love, but you had never known whether it was inadvertent or not. Now, though, you were certain. L had been manipulating you the whole time, knowing how much you cared for him. There was no way you could resist pleasing him, and he'd known that the entire time you started secretly loving him.

You breathed out harshly, trying to keep yourself from sobbing. There was obviously nothing more to be said. You knew he wouldn't change his mind. L obviously didn't want you around anymore, and he most certainly didn't feel the same. So, you slowly nodded, and walked out of that as quickly as you could without looking back.

You didn't bother to go to your room. You went straight to the elevator to meet Watari downstairs in the hotel basement, where he was standing in front of the sleek Rolls Royce. You cast him a brief glance, to which he quickly turned away and walked straight to the driver's seat. Feeling your chest ache more, you went in and sat in shotgun, not saying anything.

The drive to the airport was awkward at best. Watari didn't say anything to you and you didn't say anything to him, though you kept glancing at him every few minutes.

One day you would look back and wish you had said more to him in those last moments with you, perhaps even hug him a proper goodbye. But you didn't. Instead, you just stayed silent, even as you got your luggage and walked inside the airport. The most Watari ever said were instructions on boarding the plane, and that was with a clipped voice.

After getting your ticket and giving your luggage to be put on your plane, Watari walked you towards the gate where you would be waiting for your flight. Once the two of you were there, the old man turned around.

"This is for your own good, (Name)," he said softly.

You wanted to talk, but you didn't. If you opened your mouth you knew you would just burst out crying, and that was the last thing you wanted Watari to see. It wasn't like you blamed him though. You just didn't want him to see you cry. You felt him put a hand on your shoulder, but you didn't look at him still.

"Take care of yourself."

You nodded respectfully at the old man, and then you watched as he walked away. Once Watari became a blur amongst the crowd, you turned around and found a seat to wait for your flight back home.

—Epilogue—

One day, about a month later, you would receive a call from a desperate Matt who is searching for Mello, and he will tell you that he needs your help on finding him. After much probing, you would find out the reason for Mello's disappearance.

"What happened, Matt?"

"…You mean you don't know?"

"…No…"

Matt would say your alias softly, because the Wammy orphans didn't know you as anyone else. L and Watari were the only other people, besides family and close friends, you'd trust with your real name.

"…L and Watari are dead."

You will be in denial at first, a desperate denial that nearly causes you to break down, but then you slowly believe it. Neither Matt, nor anyone else at the orphanage has any reason to lie to you.

'I should have been there with them,' you will one day lament to yourself.

Eventually, after helping Matt re-unite with Mello, you will aid both Near and Mello with catching Kira. You would be neutral, neither sticking to either Mello or Near's side, because you only cared about catching Light and bringing him to justice.

Eventually, Near will catch Kira, a.k.a. Light Yagami, and Light will abruptly die after his capture.

After that, Near will give you something that was written in L's log the day before he died, as a sort of reward for your aid.

This is what it will say:

Date: 4 November 2004

Time: 4:20 a.m.

I woke up to the sounds of the bells again today. They've been getting incredibly loud as of late, ever since we caught Higuchi. I only know that it can mean one thing: my death.

It's strange; I have always tried avoiding death throughout my entire career as 'L'. It's something that I've done my best to escape from, to run away from. Now, however, I feel a strange calm at the thought of death. It depresses me, of course it does. But I'm not going to fight it this time.

I will have many regrets at my death. My most prominent one will be to catch Kira, which I hope either of my successors will achieve after my death.

I also regret, and I am surprised to say this, that I have not really been as good of a person as I should. In fact, I am probably the most selfish person I've ever known. This little fact is something I've never really cared for until now; it seems as if death brings out the guilt in me for crimes that I had committed but never felt remorse for.

My last regret is, undoubtedly, (Name). I don't regret knowing her, but I do regret not telling her certain things that should have been said. I regret not showing her that I did appreciate everything she's done for me. I even regret not acknowledging her feelings sooner, though I know now that what we could have had would have just been destined for tragedy.

I'd like to say that my last act will be selfless, but that might not really be the case. It's true though; I want (Name) to be away and safe from Kira when I die, even if that means sending her away without any explanation. But there is also some ulterior motive behind it:

I don't want her to see.

You will tearfully wonder what he means by the note, especially the last line.

L could have been trying to save you from the devastation at seeing his death, because he knew you would react badly.

Perhaps he was trying to save you from Kira, since, with him gone; nothing would be able to shield you from Kira.

Or, perhaps (and this one you will be certain of) L didn't want you to see him fall in defeat. Since he knew of your love, then he also knew of your intense admiration, both of which will never disappear, no matter who you date. L didn't want you to think less of him when he lost. For some reason, he wanted you to keep thinking that he was the best, invincible.

But why?

That question will never be answered.

You will soon despair in guilt and regret. You will eventually consider committing suicide*, but something (or someone?) will still your hand. You will think that it oddly feels like two thin but familiar feeling, wiry arms are holding you back, while another familiar feeling hand, this one feeling like it belongs on an old person, will have a firm grip on your shoulder…

And yet, when you turn your head to look, no one will be there…

You will eventually overcome your depression, and go on with your life. You will enjoy life with your family. You will probably marry and have some kids, but you won't forget your first love, ever.

Don't make the mistake in thinking that you betrayed L by having a happy life, because something will tell you that it would be better to honor him by living your life.

But that is the future, something you don't see. For now, you are silently cursing L, feeling hurt and betrayed. For now, you are sitting in the airport, waiting for your flight, unknowing of the double tragedy that will occur in the Task Force the next morning.

God damn it, I swore I wouldn't write something that might make someone cry. Oh well, if you didn't cry, then good for you. To those who did, well...sorry.

*Anyway, doesn't it just annoy you that in some LxOC stories, the OC kills herself when L dies? It certainly annoys me, especially since that theme seems to be becoming frequent enough to be a cliche. To kill yourself to be with your dead loved one is not romantic, or "cool". Think of it this way: if that person loved you as much as you thought then they wouldn't want you to throw your life away and die. They would want you to be happy and honor them by living. There are probably a lot of good reasons to kill yourself, but this is not one of them.

And those of you who put this into an OC story, please tell me why. It is not necessary, and it doesn't make your character awesome. It makes them poorly developed and weak. You are practically doing what Stephanie Meyer did in New Moon, and I'm pretty sure we can agree that Bella lost any appealing quality she had when she lost herself in her despair, rather than at least try to move on.

I'm sorry for the rant, and even more if there are people insulted, but this topic just...irritates me!