terminology
youkai: demon (basically), makai tenjou: an attack of Sanzo's, kappa: water-sprite like demon
Stairway to Heaven
A redheaded kappa, a brunette youkai, a blonde monk, and a monkey were fighting a huge mass of youkai one day. The army was too much for the group, and one by one, each of them died. When their souls reached Heaven, they stood before a huge staircase surrounded by orange and white clouds. The Merciful Goddess stood waiting for them.
"I guess you lot tried your best. But I'm afraid you each have your share of sins, so the heavens are a bit out of your grasp. But don't worry! Being the wonderful goddess that I am, I will present you with a challenge!" She pointed toward the staircase. "You will climb these one hundred steps, and at each step you will hear a joke. If you can make it to the top, I myself will present a joke, and if you can pass that, then your path to the heavens is assured! But if you can't make it, you can get your asses back down there and fix the problem with Gyumaoh!" Her smile did not go unnoticed by anyone in the group.
Angry veins appeared on the kappa and priest's heads, while the other two laughed nervously. But the task had been accepted! The redheaded kappa agreed to go first. "Ha! Who's she to be so damn superior! I'll get through this challenge and then go find some hot angel babes!" On the 35th step, he heard this joke:
"A convict escapes from prison and breaks into the home of a married couple. The couple is upstairs having sex when he breaks into the room. He ties the husband to a chair and the wife to the bed, and he leans over and kisses her neck before going to the bathroom. The husband whispers,' Don't worry, honey. We'll get out of this alive. I saw him kiss you. Just do whatever he wants and we'll both be fine.' The wife looks over and says,' Actually, he wasn't kissing my neck. He said he's gay and was just asking me if there was any lotion. Be strong, honey."
The redheaded kappa burst out laughing, "Oh shit, man! That was rich!" At once, he plummets to Earth. "Dammmiiiiiiiiittttttttttt!" Still laughing……….
"Well, I guess I'll try next. Good luck everyone." The brunette youkai ascends the stairs next. He reaches the 78th step and hears this joke:
"There are three Chinese brothers named Chu, Bu, and Fu. They make their way to America illegally and decide to make their names sound more American. Chu became Chuck, Bu became Buck, and Fu, upon changing his name, is sent straight back to China."
The brunette blinked, put a hand to his face, and chuckled slightly. "That was……….terrible………." But, that counted, and down to Earth he fell. "Oh well…"
The blond priest sighed. He climbed the steps all the way up to the very top, where the goddess stood waiting for him.
"Well done, Konze… I mean, Genjo Sanzo. You have made it this far, and in all my greatness and mercy I shall tell the last joke!"
A vein appeared on the back of the priest's head as she gloated for another minute. Then, as she was about to tell the joke, the priest burst out in a laugh. It sounded just a bit maniacal.
The goddess looked at him, utterly aghast. " Why would you laugh when you were so close?! And I didn't even tell the damn joke yet!"
The priest smiled, and just before he fell he said. "As if I'd want to spend eternity up here with you! I'd sooner take Hell, ya old hag!" He fell nonchalantly to Earth. When he reached the ground, the other two greeted him. "Heya dumbass, droopy-eyed priest! Didn't make it either?" The kappa smiled and then scurried behind a tree to dodge the bullet that was aimed at his head. "I wonder if Goku will make it." At the brunette's words, the other two stopped and pondered. After a minute of silence, they all looked up at the sky. 'No way in Hell.'
Meanwhile, the monkey approached the stairs. "I wonder if the heavens have good food? I'm starvin!" Miraculously, he also made it to the top of the stairs, but when he reached the goddess there was a strange look on his face. Ignoring it, the goddess spoke up. "Well done, Goku! You made it to the last…"
The monkey's expression broke, and as he grinned he burst into a fit of laughter. He was on the ground, rolling and holding his stomach as he laughed out loud. The goddess was still pissed about the priest, so she asked with more venom, "Why are you laughing?! The joke hasn't been told yet, damn it!" Her hand gripped the lever that would send him down, but she loosed her hold as she thought, 'I gotta know what's so damn funny before I condemn him back to Earth. This had better be good!'
The monkey sat up and smiled. "Well, you see, I… actually just got the first joke." Veins popped up everywhere; the lever pulled down quicker than you could say "makai tenjou". She had to smile though, as she watched the group reunite on Earth. 'They may have escaped me for now, but I'm not done with this little group of rejects. Not by a long shot.'
As the group members stood up to begin their journey again, each shuddered as a cold wind filled the air. The priest gazed up with a pained but bored expression. 'Why do I get the feeling we're all fucked?'