AN: No Neil is not being referred to as God because that would be weird, but that's how the song goes k? You have to read the lyrics for the story to make sense, so there!  This story is in existence because I think about this movie too much. We were driving home from Michigan listening to it and I was like "omg Neil and Todd." Actually it was originally Neil and his dad, but then I listened to the song again, Hehe.

Disclaimer: …really (that's really all need to say, but to be copyrightically correct) I wish I owned the dead poets and their society, but I don't. I do not wish I owned the song because that would mean that I wrote it and that would mean I had inspiration to write it and this song is really pretty sad. The Fray is cool.

You Found Me: Lost and Insecure

Late November and it was cold in the small New Jersey town. Question: Why hadn't I left? Answer: Simply because I couldn't. Because…maybe I was hoping to run into him someday, as crazy as that sounds. And then…

I found God
On the corner of
First and Amistad
Where the west
Was all but won

Who was that? A tall, dark haired man leaning up against a building. I still saw things and I knew it. I'd been seeing things for nearly fifteen years and I always thought I should believe in them. I shook my head and made to walk past, knowing there was nothing there…but there was. When this happened I could usually rid myself of it very quickly, but not that time. People passed in front of the stranger and he was still there. I shut my eyes tight, shook my head, scattering snow onto the flakey sidewalk, and looked up again.

Still there.

All alone
Smoking his last cigarette

I took a shot in the dark. I approached him, reached out my hand. My old roommate had smoked, but only if offered. As far as I remembered, he had never owned his own pack, but he blew smoke out and it was caught in the wind as I put a hand gently onto his shoulder.

"Neil?" I say his name and he turned to me.

"Todd!" he recognized me instantly, dropped his cigarette onto the ground and crushed it with his foot. Then he stepped forward and pulled me into a tight hug. I was so surprised for a good thirty seconds that I couldn't say a word.

I said, "Where you been?"
He said, "Ask anything".

"Where were you
When everything was
falling apart? Charlie was expelled. After you left we lost each other, Neil. Pitts went to Yale and Meeks went to MIT. Knox dated Chris from the play until maybe a month after we graduated in June. Chris ended it before Chet came around and Knox was alone except for me, because the others were too busy to go and see him. He and I are the only ones who've kept in contact all this time. He's alright now though. Cameron was the one who finked on Keating, who none of us have heard from and no one's seen Cameron.

He looked troubled. I probably shouldn't have spilled all that so quickly. "Todd," he said quietly, "I'm so sorry."

"I never heard from you," I continued, knowing I should stop but unable to help myself. "All my days
Were spent by the telephone
It never rang
And all I needed was a call
It never came."

Finally I got enough of a grip so I didn't continue to make him look like he was going to start crying right there. But what I had said wasn't all that was there for me to say.

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lyin' on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you?
Where were you?

Where Keating had inspired Neil to act and to 'carpe diem!' Neil had inspired me to open up. While he was at Welton I had been open, to however mild a degree. When he left I was even worse than before. Yes I had stood on my desk in defiance of Nolan and to show respect and belief in Mr. Keating, who had been fired at the urging of Mr. Perry, but after that everything had gone downhill and breakneck speed. When the fact that Neil would not be returning had sunk in, the idea that his side of the room would be empty for the rest of the year, that the dead poets meetings were over, that the dead poets themselves were going their own separate ways, and when no one had heard anything from or about Neil, there was nothing I or anyone else could do for any of us.

AN: so the plan right now is for the last bit of the song to come from Knox (possibly) and then Neil but I'm not sure.

2, this was hard to right because the song like has (ghaspet). It was weird so if the fic is weird, then…why'd you read it, that's my question. (jk dudes, jk) I love when I have readers.

3 I sort of made Neil the RENT-Angel of this thing, but he's not…obviously because he doesn't wear skirts. (someone needs to get us a pic of him in a skirt, I would laugh realy hard (dudes I'm tired and it's late so if this is ridiculous,,,(haha comma elipses)) HE'S 40!!! Ahh!!)

4 if you have no clue what I'm talking about…go watch RENT.

5 Todd isn't supposed to be quote unquote 'mad' in this, he's just ranting like 'I haven't seen or heard from you in 15 years and you were my best friend and poor Knox and we never heard from you and I was scared for you and…' (do you get it?)

6 Again with the slahsiness. I guess they are slashy in this, but not really, though in writing it, the slashy implications were unavoidable.

7 I know that the lyrics really tell the story and I just give the emotion, but a) emotion is important and b) so what?

8 yes I know that some parts of the song are skipped in this chapter and in the following ones, but w/e.

Last: Did all that make sense? Did you get it? Should I write the other chapter? The more review the like more motivation there is and therefore the faster I write and the faster the updates come out. Totally not a threat, just honesty.