Disclaimer: I do not own the Metroid franchise or any characters mentioned. Everything is the intellectual property of Nintendo.

Hey everyone, Maddiek18 here with my first Metroid fanfic! So while I was browsing through this category, I found some short Metroid: Other M parodies, which were pretty funny! We all have our own stance of the game itself, but I wanted to try making a full-length parody of it.

Remember; I'm writing this out of love, which is not to say that I love the game, Metroid: Other M, (there's quite a lot of things wrong with it, actually) but the Metroid franchise as a whole. I just wanted to say that, in case someone gets offended at the content of this parody. On a positive note; Nintendo, this is a great series you've got going. Don't give up on it now!

And with that, enjoy everyone!

Chapter 1: A Really Stupid Name

Samus opened her eyes. "Why am I still alive?" she questioned. She was being suspended in the air by the Metroid. "The baby..." It was somehow giving her energy, but Mother Brain attacked it relentlessly. Finally, the baby was destroyed, dropping Samus. Pieces of the Metroid landed grotesquely onto her tattered Varia Suit. Time seemed to slow down as she dramatically caught one of them.

She landed on the ground and got up. "Mother..." Samus charged up a shot. "Time to go!" she yelled. She fired it at Mother Brain, which made it explode. "Well, that was easier than expected!" Samus noted as she ran away from falling debris, the whole station shaking violently around her, about to self-destruct.

"Hey...this is bullcrap!" Samus yelled at the screen. She hit the pause button on the remote control. "This wasn't how it went at all! They got my suit color wrong and there's no rainbow lasers of death! My voice doesn't even sound like that!" She turned off the TV. "Whatever, I'm going to sleep," she put the ship on autopilot and fell asleep right away.

Samus woke up in a quarantine bay. She had an oxygen mask over her face. "Where am I?" she wondered. "Okay, Samus. Everything's normal," a quarantine officer said via hologram. The oxygen mask lifted up. "Who the heck are you?" she questioned. "That's none of your concern. Now try sitting up." the officer commanded. "No! And stop ignoring me!" Samus said irritably. She continued to lay down on the dentist-like chair because she felt like it.

Suddenly, she felt a shock course through her body. "Ow!" she yelped. "I told you; get up, Samus," the pushy officer said calmly. He lifted his glasses, so the light reflected off the lenses in a creepy manner. "Okay, okay. Geez, what's with these stupid chairs?" she asked grumpily. She sat up and rubbed her backside. "We had electricity nodes embedded into them. Pretty smart idea, right?" the officer informed, seeming way too happy about it. "Sure...freaks," she muttered.

"Come on, Samus. Let's go next door," the officer suggested. But Samus didn't really have a choice, mostly because she was afraid of what they'd do to her if she didn't. So she nodded and walked to the next room. The room was large and had an observation area high above the ground. The creepy officer was already there. "Right, let's get started," he commanded, but Samus didn't need to be told twice. She hated being in the Zero Suit because of...obvious reasons. In a flashy transformation that was way too amazing to put into words, her Power Suit materialized around her.

"How about a little test, huh?" the officer asked. "How about no?" Samus snarkily replied, feeling more confident inside her suit. She tried to fire a missile at the observation glass, but realized that she was out. "Dammit," she cursed under her breath. The officer smiled creepily. "Nice try, Samus. But we had your suit changed so that you can't fire missiles until we tell you to." Samus then tried to shoot a charge beam at him, but it bounced off the glass and hit her instead, knocking her over. "Oww..." she whined, getting up and rubbing her backside (which didn't even make sense because she was wearing her suit.) But even worse was that the stupid officer saw it all. "Ah, whatever," Samus thought. "By now, I pretty much have no shame anyways."

Samus shot open the portal, having just returned from Dark Aether with the reacquired boost ball. "Oh yeah yeah! Who's the boss? I'm the boss! Yeah, who's the boss? I'm the boss, oh yeah!" Samus sang in an off-key manner. She went into boost ball mode and began boosting all around the canyon, running into walls and enemies. She then boosted off a cliff, but it didn't matter. She got up and started jumping everywhere and shooting missiles at the wall.

Meanwhile, two Luminoths were sitting on a rocky ledge high above the canyon Samus was in. They peered over the side and took in the sight. After awhile, one asked, "are you sure she's our chosen savior?" A pause, then, "I'm having my doubts."

Samus felt another shock go through her body. "Hey, what was that for?!" she yelled indignantly. "I have no idea," the officer deadpanned. "Are you ready to cooperate now?" The bounty hunter sighed in defeat. "Yeah, sure."

ONE TUTORIAL LATER...

"Whelp, time to go to the meeting room, I guess," Samus thought, walking through the corridor. She arrived at the locked door, but she already knew what to do. She stepped onto the super high-tech scanner, which went through the super high-tech procedure of using full body lasers and eye holograph identification. It was a super high-tech process.

"I always feel strangely violated every time that happens," Samus revealed. The door unlocked, and she headed in. In a scene that totally didn't rip off Star Wars, Samus stood in the middle of a conference-like room while everyone clapped and told her how great she was...

"Samus, you're so awesome!"

"Congratulations on single-handedly blowing up a planet, Samus!"

"Tell us what it's like to be such a badass!"

"Marry me, Samus!"

The hunter bowed dramatically. "Thank you, thank you, adoring fans!" she cried. "As your new savior, you must send all paychecks of Federation Credits to me...if you wish to avoid my wrath!" She fired a missile in the air as a warning. She walked slowly and dramatically the door, but heard a 'thump' sound behind her. It was a man who fell to the ground with hearts in his eyes. Literally. Bits of his heart were actually in his eyes. "Eww," Samus exclaimed. "Didn't think that would actually hit someone."

"...so we agreed to send you the payment of 1,000 Federation Credits in one decacycle," one of the officials concluded. Samus didn't respond. "Did you hear what I said, Aran?" he asked impatiently. "Hmm?" Samus asked. The official sighed and rubbed his temple. "Look, we're gonna send you money...just not immediately," he reiterated.

"Hmp! I think you guys should send me the money now!" Samus exclaimed. She was sick and tired of the Galactic Federation promising to send her the credits "sometime in the future." The whole board of officials sighed collectively. It was apparent that their greatest employee was also the most demanding. But it was a small price to pay for having Samus Aran on your side. " Look, just be glad we're paying you, okay?" one of them said impatiently.

"And just be glad you're all not dead!" Samus countered sharply. "What if I just so happen to intercept an emergency signal with a dumb name, then redirect my flight path for no apparent reason except that the signal might've been meant for me? What'll you do then?" Samus asked. She was met with blank stares. The best was also a little crazy, one of the officials noted.

Samus closed her eyes. "I'm soo-o bored!" she exclaimed. She spun around in her spinny pilot's chair. "There's no planets to blow up, no monsters to fight...what am s'posed do?" As if on cue, a message appeared on the ship's main screen. "Incoming distress signal?" she wondered. It read, "Baby's Cry." Samus spat out the Dr. Pepper she was drinking. "Pahahaha! What kind of name is that?" she asked. "Well, at least it's got my attention, so I guess it worked!" The location of the distress signal flashed across the screen. "Wait...it's coming from...the Bottle Ship?" she read. She facepalmed.

"This is gonna be the worst adventure ever..."