AN: Written for Emily's Second Round of Fanfiction's Got Talent.
Dedicated to: OnyxRose13, Mrs Bella Riddle, TuesdayNovember, lella7 for being very supportive :)
Phrase Prompt: Ball of Fire.
Seeing her lying on the floor, dead, makes Severus Snape question himself why he ever took the Dark Mark. Being a half-blood means that people would expect him to join the Order and fight for a cause that is aimed at destroying people like him. Or fight the war as an Auror with his abundant DADA skills. He was a talented student, got all Os in Potions, was even in the Slug Club – although Slughorn never thought as much of him as he did Lucius.
He could have been a Potions Master or pursued a scholarly career. Snape could have gotten a very well paid and lucrative job, benefited from a peaceful life of potions, sitting out the war. So why did he choose to be a Death Eater? It's easy. So easy that it makes him laugh mirthlessly.
The ideology that the Dark Lord's regime represents is what called him at first. And it helped that he was interested in the Dark Arts. Everything that the Dark Lord said was true. And when he saw his Lord doing all the dark spells that he knew so very well, the word 'greatness' appeared in his mind. And Severus Snape wanted to be great.
His ambition was more powerful than him, a ball of fire that started in the pit of his stomach and spread through his body, it was much stronger than the love he felt for Lily. And she is dead now. Looking down at his arms, he can't stop the tears. Her green eyes are lifeless. Why did he become a Death Eater? He remembers – his anger was a factor as well.
Severus couldn't be good enough for her, for his mother's family – they were pure, and he was not. Severus had to be great – the Princes were great, so he had to be great. To show his grandparents and his aunts that he could be the best. It was because of his rebelliousness that even though he was a half-blood, he did not join the bloody Order. He joined Lord Voldemort to do greatness. Because he is Severus Snape, and from a young age he knew that he would do something great. Even if he didn't have the perfect life, he could change that.
And the Dark Lord definitely promised him great and powerful changes in his pathetic life.
His tears blind him for a moment. Now his pathetic life is worse. It's unbearable. He has killed Lily. He has betrayed her. And for what? His mind takes him to the memory when he called her 'mu-mud-mudblood'.
He remembers that he saw Avery and Mulciber waiting for him to be thank her. But he didn't. He insulted her. Because he realized that Lily wouldn't be there always and he needed to show his friends that he was with them. His stupid and weak conformity made him insult the only person that truly cared for him. And now she is dead.
The cries of the baby make him come back to the present. The Dark Lord promised that he would only kill Potter and the boy – not Lily. The Dark Lord didn't keep his promise and for a moment Severus is happy that the boy defeated him. But this would never have happened if he hadn't been reckless and thrill-seeking. He should have kept quiet when he discovered that Lily was involved. But he hadn't known that Lily would die!
Closing his eyes and hugging Lily to him, the thought he had when he joined the Dark Lord comes to mind: 'I have very little to lose, and everything to gain.' He now realizes that actually he had a lot to lose and nothing to gain. But he saw more opportunities in the Dark Lord than that boring and tamed life in the Ministry. He was young after all and he took it without looking back.
It's too late now for regrets and apologies.
In this moment, Severus promises to help the boy. Simply because Lily is the mother. He's going to do it for Lily and no one else. And he makes this decision, this promise, with desperation, like he chose the Dark Mark. But some things change. It's not an ambitious choice.
It's risky, yes, but he's doing it out of pure love for Lily. And he'll show Lily that he can do greatness without causing harm. He will be great. After all, since he, Severus Snape, was a young Slytherin he had always been daring and brave, calculating but rational and in love with Lily.
His head goes up as he hears a noise.
Slowly putting her down, Severus says goodbye for the last time. His tears still fall and his kiss feels too late. But he stands, ready to Apparate. He now has a new purpose in life and his love for Lily is fueling it every second, making it stronger and great.
When he became a Death Eater...well, the reason isn't important now.
But the reason why he helps Potter live for all these years...is important.
And it's simply because he owes it to Lily. His love is too strong, his guilt too consuming, and in the end, when he is dying and seeing those same green eyes of hers, he smiles. Yes, everything was worth it. He has finally become great.
AN: SO how did I do *bites nails* Tell me the truth!