can you feel the burn, does it blister?

I don't have a choice, but I still choose you

Poison & Wine- The Civil Wars

Every time Liam thinks of when it, this feeling, began- he comes back to a blank page and has to stop his chaotic thoughts before he pops a blood vessel or something.

And this feeling he gets makes his cheeks flush and his heart race at a frightening pace, makes him see unrealistic things when his eyes are closed and hurt for those unrealistic things when his eyes are open. It nearly drives him to the brink of insanity, because there's so much he wants to do about it (could do about it) but he's so afraid and there are lines that cannot be crossed not matter how badly he wants to.

Liam has to consider his sexuality quite often too, because he doesn't like boys, not really. He just likes blue eyes and obnoxious Irish laughter and messy light hair and NiallNiallNiall, always Niall.

He never tells anyone about these thoughts, because who is there to tell? He merely bottles them up and stores them somewhere in the back of his head to pull out and contemplate over at a different time, maybe when he's alone and surrounded by silence and he's thinking more clearly (or is it less clearly? Liam's not so sure anymore).

Very carefully, he masks his inner frustrations with an incredibly convincing façade of normality; out of the five boys, Liam was always the best at keeping a straight face. He eats the same, talks the same, sings the same, and it's almost like nothing has changed, except for moments like when Niall's arm is tight around his waist and Liam has to shy away because his touch burns (in the most sinful way). Or moments like when Niall's face is only inches away, and his lips are pink and slightly chapped, and Liam wants nothing more than to bruise them with his own.

Needless to say, Liam tries to put a safe amount of distance between Niall and himself. It's not like it's a permanent thing- just until he can figure out how to breathe around him again, and he's not particularly trying to avoid him, either. Liam just doesn't exactly enjoy the impatient need that blinds him of proper vision whenever the slender Irish boy is in the same room.

Harry is a lot more perceptive than people give him credit for. Liam knows, because Harry understands him even when he hasn't told him anything; mostly from quiet examination and the way Harry just knows things- and maybe it's from personal experience, too. Sometimes he sees Harry watching Louis the same way he's sure he watches Niall. Harry understands, and with their newfound understanding, they form an unconscious support system. So, now when the weight on Liam's chest is especially crushing, Harry is there to hold his hand, and on the nights Eleanor decides to stay over, Liam threads his fingers through Harry's hair until he's snoring into his pillow. They're both still lonely, but it's nice to not be so alone.

For awhile, everything is ok. Liam spends more time reading and less time laughing, he watches movies with Zayn more and Niall less, the days feel shorter but he's more exhausted than ever- and perhaps saying things are 'ok' is a blatant lie. Liam however, is still determined to make them that way.

It's a Saturday night. They've just finished a show and it's almost eleven. In the car, Liam rests his head on the window, eyes closed. He feels the warm weight of Zayn's arm around his shoulders, picks up a bit of excited chatter from Louis about going out for drinks. He supposes he'll go back to the hotel, order some cookies and watch Toy Story 3 to keep from thinking about the way Niall's hips had swayed on the stage.

Turns out, the movie does nothing to stop the endless stream of slim hips and ridiculously blue eyes. Liam's about to bash his head into the wall when there's a rather loud knock on his door. Quickly, he calms his erratic breathing and hopes the flush in his cheeks isn't too noticeable, because he'd rather not scare the cookie man.

It's not the cookie man, after all; in his place is a completely, and utterly drunken Niall Horan.

His grin is wide and his hair mussed. His shirt is three buttons too loose and Liam can smell the alcohol on his breath. He's hazardous, he's beautiful.

Liam hardly has three seconds to process any of this before Niall is a giggling mess in his arms (does Niall feel the smoulder too?). Using one hand, the other currently occupied by the smaller boy, he quietly shuts the door, attempted shushing drowned out by Niall's thunderous laughter. Together, they stumble across the room, legs tangling together messily until Liam shrugs Niall off of his arm and onto the bed as gently as possible.

This starts a round of very loud complaints. Niall is needy when he's intoxicated, he likes to touch and be close and the space that Liam is putting between them is making him angry. Niall lets him know this too, through a stream of garbled rambling about how Liam never wants to be around him or touch him and what did he do wrong and I miss you Liam I love you Liam why don't you love me anymore Leeee-yum?

Liam, who is using every once of his will power to not kiss Niall's foolish, pretty mouth right there and then, lies through gritted teeth. He tells Niall he doesn't even know what he's talking about and of course I love you I've just been busy.

"Then why won't you even touch me?" Niall demands, fair brow furrowed over his painfully confused eyes.

(because because BECAUSE)

"Because I love you too much." He says, and he'll probably regret it later, but right now he just wants Niall to understand.

There is silence. Liam drops his dark gaze to the floor, counts how many breaths it takes for Niall to process what he just said.

Eleven.

Then Niall is there, standing before him on unstable legs, and Liam can't breathe again because Niall's eyes are clearer now and his hands are on Liam's face and oh- he's kissing him (Niall's always been braver, anyway).

He kisses him again, and again and again and again and again and Liam's lips are swollen from the pressure and Niall is laughing against his mouth and it's the most brilliant feeling in the entire world.

(Liam thinks that maybe he didn't get a choice with the whole falling in love deal, but even if he had-

he'd still choose Niall.)

finish.

AU: So, I kind of felt mega-super creepy for writing this, but I just love Liam and Niall so much and every time I see them I just hurt and can hardly contain my feels. SO ANYWAY, enjoy this. Tell me what you think. Tell me I'm creepy. Whatever.

xoxo, jaimelah