Disclaimer: sadly I own nothing and live in a box on the side of the road.
Plot outline: One lazy Saturday afternoon I trawled the fanfiction archives and came up with a spiffing idea! Why not write sections of episodes in different genres? Well tadaaaaaaaa ! Slightly graphic and may offend. Contains sexual references and coarse language. Sorry.
Authors note: This is planned as a 1 shot although I am happy to be persuaded otherwise. So if you have read it, review it! And tell me if you think I should a) stick my head in an oven and await my death, b) write another ep, c) consider other career options or d) perhaps get a life and not spend my Saturdays trawling the net and do something productive with my sad, pathetic excuse for a life.
Please tell me how to spell Jacks last name I am an ignorant lazy git!
. Genre: Emo .
A dark brooding man awoke in an ambiguous but beautiful island. As he opened his eyes his pupils widened at the stark light that met his eyes. A golden retriever strolled by never knowing what true angst would be. He stumbled to stand and come to terms with what had happened in his life. No he did not have a past in prostitution although his angst did have street credibility. He was a surgeon and his heart welled up when he remembered all the poor innocent civilians had cut open and neglected to save. This man had a secret. Jack hoped that no one would ever find out that he loved the exhilarating effects of slicing open people. The blood mesmerized him and the pain was beautiful. The crimson tears that dripped down his patents arms made him feel whole and deal with the stress that consumed his life.
Jack Shepherd staggered through the jungle and the fire and destruction hit him hard. He saw the plane and the injured people scattered in the sand of the island. He felt his heart drop to his stomach. These people needed help. He knew what he had to do but what if he fucked up again? What if these people realized that he wasn't a leader? Sometimes Jack wanted to descend into a bottomless abyss and hide under the rock from whence he came. Would the hate him as everyone else did. They would never understand him and these survivors would exclude him. Jacks daddy was right he was never going to be a leader. Jacks daddy was dead!
. Genre: Soap Opera .The sound of a beautiful blond twenty-something reached his ears. She was screaming.
"HELP!"
Jack ran towards the screams, towards the wreckage of the plane. It was so ugly.
"I am a surgeon!" he reassured himself out loud, "My wife may have left me, she may be screwing some gorgeous man as I speak but, I can overcome this irrelevant information and help these poor beautiful people!" At this point, a breeze that should never have been there (as it was summer) blew his tie to the side and he gazed into the distance for a while.
A girl near the shore struggled to get up. Jack took this opportunity to help her up and prove to his daddy that he was worth a damn.
"I'm Jack" He gazed into the pools of her soul that were her eyes and waited for a response.
"Thank you. You saved my life!" her Australian accent lingered in his ears and he noticed how pale she was for an Australian. "I am Claire!"
"I like you Claire!"
"It could never work between us Jack" a tear rolled down her face as she faced the sad truth "I'm pregnant Jack! And later on I am going to get amnesia and forget everything about this island"
The shock of these words hit him and it all made sense. This poor girl he had mistaken as an overweight teenager was expecting a baby.
"I understand, you have to do this by yourself. I am hurt deeply but I will survive." He gazed over to the side. "I have to leave you now Claire, I have a hero complex and I must save the woman over there who is getting badly resuscitated by the pretty boy with the sister complex." He looked over and saw the overweight – no he wasn't going to make this mistake again- pregnant man he could help Claire.
"Please help this woman and you will have the satisfaction of both your babies being safe in the future! I wont make the same mistake twice!"
. Genre: Slash .Jack walked over to the lady getting resuscitated. The boy giving her mouth-to-mouth had cold grey eyes, messy hair and flushed cheeks that gave him a roguish charm. He looked reminiscent of someone he had dated.
"I'm Jack, do you come here often" the moment he had spoken these words he realized that he didn't know exactly where "here" was.
"Yeah… I'm Boone" Jacks mind wandered and for a moment he imagined he was the lady on the ground receiving E.A.R with Boones mouth on his willing his lungs with sweet, sweet oxygen to work. (Or carbon dioxide if you really though about it.) But then his mind faltered, was he really becoming jealous an unconscious, possibly injured woman who was being given E.A.R so badly that the air was going to her stomach? He wasn't no queer!
"You're doing it all wrong" Jack reached over to grab her face in the vice grip and as he did so he brushed past Boones hands and felt a sudden tightening in his pants at this sudden contact.
"But I'm a lifeguard I can do this!" So that was how he was so tanned, He wondered if that creamy tan was all over Boones body.
"should I go and get a pen to do that thing where you stick it in her neck?" Jack tried to analyze that line of speech and it was filled with so many euphemisms, pen, and definitely phallic reference. Stick it in her neck, perhaps he was interested in the lost art of BDSM. Jack had a crush. Somewhere in the distance an Iraqi and a redneck fell in love.
. Genre: Childrens Book .Jack saved Rose.
"Thank you" said rose
"That's Ok!" said Jack
Suddenly the big plane did something naughty. One of the wings began to fall. If that wing fell then it would squash that poor Claire girl. Jack ran over and saved Claire and the fat man.
KABOOOM! Went the wing.
"Ouch" said Claire.
"Ad break" said the producers.
"Waaaa I am stuck on an exotic, jungle island" said jack
"I found some pens" said Boone
"Good little pretty boy" said Jack
"Ouch!" said Jack as he walked into the jungle.
He took off his jacket. He took off his shirt, he took off his singlet. Underneath his singlet was a big cut. It hurt a lot.
"Waaa!" said Kate as she innocently walked into Jack and his big boo-boo
. Genre: indecipherable symbolic poetry .Her touch to his skin saved.
His wound representing the
Aftermath of the crash depraved.
Landing on this island near the sea.
Sewing the folds of flesh
With ordinary cotton, black.
This convict would start afresh.
Although she could not tell jack.
The exterior she built
Made it commonplace
To stare into the distance
With an imminent embrace.
Jack can count to five
When he is under stress
Kate strives to survive
And to not have to wear a dress.
Tadaaa! I hope you enjoyed it!