Disclaimer: Not mine.
This was written for a challenge at gameofcards right after I'd seen 4x21. The theme was wordless/no dialogue.
He never says he loves her. Not really. Not in so many words.
Steve McGarrett has never been good at saying how he feels. He has never been good at being vulnerable. He does not like being vulnerable.
But with Catherine, he is vulnerable. She is one of his greatest weaknesses because he has lost so much and he cannot bear the thought of losing her, too. He took down half of the SWAT team and Lou Grover just to get her back. The thought of losing her – like he lost his father – makes him sick. He cannot lose Cath.
Except then he does anyway. He loses her because he cannot say the words. He loses her because he spent too many years silent as much as he loses her because she has to do the right thing and save the boy. He knows that she has to do this. He knows that. It still kills him inside.
The thought of losing her now makes him even sicker than before. He means every bit of it when he tells her he loves her, but he knows it is too late. He knows that this is the end. Even if he adds a 'for now' to the end of the thought, Cath is not coming back. Not until she finds the boy. Maybe not ever.
He has been holding onto the words for longer than he can remember now. Love is not easy for Steve McGarrett. He loves his family – his parents, Mary, Chin, Danny, Kono – he cannot not love them. But loving Cath is different. He can say he loves Danny because he does – Danny is the brother he never had.
The silence is deafening. Every day that goes by without hearing from her makes his chest tight. He says nothing. He misses her. He misses having Cath at his side, whether she was part of Five-0 or not. He misses her warmth next to him and the scent of her shampoo.
Steve catches himself full of regret – not that he said the words, but that he did not say them sooner. Maybe if he had said them sooner, he would not have lost her. Maybe he would get to hear her voice more often. Maybe he could have made it up to her.
He tries to focus on work when he thinks of her. When that no longer works, he takes a jog or a swim – anything to keep his mind off of her. It did not work as well as he hoped.
He missed Catherine and what they had together. He missed the easy rapport between them. He missed the feel of her skin beneath his hands and her smile. He misses the sound of her voice.
He keeps hoping that Cath will come back someday, that he will get to say the words to her in person, like he should have. As the days slip by, Steve begins to wonder if he will ever see her again.