You think you know.
Disclaimer : I unfortunately do not own any of the Supernatural characters, I wish I did so people could stop dying for a little while and we could all have what we turly want : Destiel.
I started wondering what happens in Dean's head after the latest episode of Season 11 with the Hunter Husbands, so here you go. I hope you enjoy it and I might continue it if I feel it's necessary or if you guys want me to. So let me know what you think, I would love some reviews on this first Supernatural fanfiction ! Enjoy !
Dean was staring at the sunset while Sam was driving them through the last kilometers separating them from the bunker. He had been driving for hours, or maybe days right after finishing their last job. He had to go home, back to the books or anything that could help him locate Cas. When Sam saw him accelerating more and more with time and how tightly he was holding the wheel without having said a word since they left Cesar and Jessy, he put a hand on his shoulder and asked him gently but firmly to let him take over.
So here he was, looking throught the window wondering where Cas was at this very moment and if he was still in one piece. He didn't wanted to imagine what could have happen to the reckless angel, trapped in the middle of this ego war. They all wanted to prove that they were the most powerful, that they deserved God's seat but what did Cas had to do in all this ? The idiot sacrificed himself « to be useful » and maybe stop this madness.
Dean laughed to himself thinking how much that worked out. He needed him by his side so he could make sure that he was safe, he needed him so he could see his face and find comfort in its bright blue eyes and messy black hair. He would be okay with Cas not giving him personal space, with his face being so close to his that he could feel his warm breath on his skin, with getting lost in each others' presence and stare no matter how weird it was so time would stop for a while and nothing else would exist.
Dean pressed his forehead on the cold glass and sighed, Sam looked at him and said « Don't worry, we'll find him. It's Cas, he's gonna be okay. The guy knows how to take care of himself ! ». Of course Sam knew what was troubling Dean, not Amara, not the fact that for now they had no clue on how to stop her from sending all of creation back to pure darkness but Cas.
He knew it might be selfish to focus on saving him while the whole world was going bersek but he couldn't help it. He knew that their friendship was very unconvential, he could see the looks people exchanged when he and Cas just stared at each other for too long, when they stand a bit too close, when they would do anything for each other.
They met for the first time after the guy raised him from perdition for Christ' sake, how could their relation ever be normal.
Dean knew that there was something more to it, something he had been denying for years and tried to ignore with all his strengh.
He knew that what they shared was indeed a « more profound bound », something strong and out of control that might sometimes look like friendship but truly tasted more like the famous L word. No, not Lesbian, the other one. Yes, Love.
Dean ran a hand over his face and thought that he would rather face all the bad guys alone and naked than THAT.
Well, in both cases he would then most likely end up naked and afraid anyway, he laughed to himself before cringing at the thought.
If there was one thing Dean Winchester was never comfortable with, it was feelings and how to express them. He had to admit that he had felt a pinch of jealousy towards Cesar and Jessy, seeing how comfortable they were with each other, with the way they feel, with their future together.
They had it all planned, they had this blissful comfidence you acquire when you love someone and know for a fact that they love you in return just as much.
No games, no running around in circles, no fear or doubt, they just knew.
Facing that, Dean couldn't resist to ask them how it was to settle down with a hunter because deep inside, he knew that he always wanted what they have for himself. He had tried it once with Lisa but it never felt quite right, something was missing. He couldn't keep on living denying a part of himself, of who he grew up to be : a hunter.
He knew now that he could never settle down with someone that wasn't part of this world, that wouldn't know and understand all the terrors that lay in the shadows, that wouldn't be able to have his back in life like in the fight. And thinking about that, he always came back to one person he often played house with as much as fought the worst there is with. Yes, you-know-who.
But he wasn't gay, everyone knew that Dean Winchester was the biggest womanizer there is. Right ? He loved girls, he always did, but there seemed to be a switch inside him that would make his whole world light up in a second everytime he would hear or see Cas.
There could be the most gorgeous woman by his side, all that the angel had to do was show up and call his name with his deep voice and he had forgotten all about it, his heartbeat faster than any guitar solo he worshiped. Everyone he knew made at least once a joke about how he would drop anything he was doing if the angel appeared and he couldn't deny that nothing ever seemed quite as important as him. What if he was actually carying a long time case of heart eyes for his best friend ?
Do you keep your friends' trenchcoats in the trunk of your car, and occasionally bury your face into it, when they disappear ? Do you face envisage facing a certain death just to tell them that you need them ? No, it was more than that. Dean was always longing for Cas and he knew it.
He wanted to wake up in the morning and see his face close to his, he wanted to hold his hand through the toughest moments, he wanted to be like Cesar and Jessy and tell anyone who would ask that they were more like an old married couple than friends.
He didn't want to be afraid anymore, he didn't want to hide. He didn't want to be with guys, he wanted to be with Cas.
If he wanted to find Cas and put an end to this madness so he could maybe, just maybe tell the angel that he should keep on looking at him that way so they can both finally get laid, he had to be honest with himself. After all, if school girls shipped Destiel like they said, why shouldn't he.
He was going to find him, tell him that he was a moron and that he had always be useful to him and most of all the he loved him. With some luck he would feel the same way and they could figure everything out together.
« Dean, Dean are you even listening to me ? » asked Sam knowing that the answer was negative.
« Sorry, I was just daydreaming, when did we arrive ? » answered a very confused Dean.
« About ten minutes ago but you seemed to be having a very interesting internal debate. Mind to share ? »
Dean blushed a little and bit his lip before mumbling in an unusual soft tone « I was thinking that we did good not to involve the guys in this mess...and that I envy what they have. »
« You envy their stable life together or do you envy the fact that, not like you, they came out long ago and are already happily married by now ? » said Sam with a smirk.
Dean jumped on his seat a little, redder than any tomato that ever existed and asked« What do you mean ? ».
Sam laughed and turned fully towards his brother, « Come on Dean, don't you think I know you ? I never said anything not to scare you away and by fear that you would close the door to it for yourself but I think it's time. We both know that you might have been attracted to the darkness but that Cas has always been your light. You and I have been through literally hell and back and we're still fighting, we always will, but it doesn't mean you can't give yourself a chance to happiness. Dean, with everything that is going on out there, do you really think anyone still cares about someone liking girls or guys or both ! As long as you're happy about it, I'll always be thrilled for you. Man, you earned it so just give yourself a chance here. Tell him how you feel when we bring him home. »
Dean looked at him with a small smile on his lips and said « So you knew, all this time ? And I was hoping to have my big moment, you kind of ruined it. »
Sam laughed even more and raised an eyebrow at him « We have been sleeping in the same room for most of our lives, trust me I found out the hard way how into him you were. »
Dean threw whatever he found at his brother's face, shouting an elegant « Shut up, bitch ! » before getting out of the car quickly, followed closely by Sam that imitating his voice « Oh yes Cas, don't stop ! Right there angel, faster ! ».
You could hear Sam's laugh resonate for a long time after that in the bunker while Dean was reading a pile of books to try to get the angel back and throwing the rest of them at his annoying little brother. Neverthenless, he felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders and for the first time in a long time he experienced something he never thought he could have again... hope.