I wasn't homophobic like Spinner, I knew that. Because it didn't matter so much, what other people did. Or didn't do. It came down to who you liked, and who you were attracted to. It was all good.
So when Marco came out it was fine. It wasn't really that big of a shock. He had never been destroyed over girls like the rest of us, that's a big clue right there. Like when Ashley cheated on Jimmy, that destroyed him. And when Paige blew off Spinner for that guy from that other school, that guy from Bardell, Spinner was crushed. And of course my disaster with Manny and Ashley. Girls. Man, they can put you through the ringer. But not Marco.
So then Dylan springs it on Marco that he wants to see other people, too. But Marco wasn't into that, and it wrecked his plans of moving in with Dylan, graduating early, all of that. He was moping around, being all angsty. So I figured I'd go to that college party with Marco and help him get Dylan back. Because I wanted to be a good friend, in a way. I knew I was kind of self centered. I didn't mean to be but I was. Marco wasn't like that. He was able to look beyond himself and show interest and concern for the rest of us.
We get to the party and it's alright. Good music and everything. There weren't that many girls there but whatever. And Dylan and Marco seemed to be getting along okay, and I figured just coming here had helped Marco. I felt pretty good. Helping someone else for once, not always being the one who needed help.
But then Dylan was flirting with other guys and I could see Marco getting all destroyed, losing his mind. So we're sitting in the stairwell and I tried to cheer him up, telling him how nice and great he was. And he was. And I noticed that he was good looking, in a strictly observational way. I wasn't attracted to him. I wasn't.
Then Dylan came over, looking for Marco. And that's when Marco kissed me. He put his hands on my cheeks and kissed me. I froze. I didn't know what to do. And I didn't know why it felt kind of good. Dylan took off and I just sat there, my mouth open in surprise.
"I didn't know what to do," Marco said.
"When in doubt you kiss Craig?" I said, my lips still tingling from the kiss. It was different from kissing girls. Their kisses are soft, gentle. That kiss was stronger, more aggressive, and I felt that little stomach twisting feeling when he did that.
"Maybe I'd better go work things out with Dylan," Marco said.
"Yeah, maybe you'd better," I said, and I sounded kind of mad. Upset, at least. And I was upset. Marco took off and I just stayed there. What the fuck was that? He kissed me? This sort of rocked my not being homophobic boat. Because it was fine for other people to do whatever they wanted, but not so fine for them to do it to me. I'd been fine with girls, I liked girls. Liked the way they smelled and the way they looked, liked how they felt and how they made me feel. So what the fuck was up with Marco kissing me and what the fuck was up with the fact that I liked it?
I hung my head. I wasn't gay. I didn't want to be gay. But, but that kiss was exciting and forbidden and Marco was good looking, and maybe it wasn't just an observation.
Oh well. Whatever. I'd forget it. That was all. No one knew except Dylan, so what did it matter anyway? And it's not like Marco likes me like that, he likes Dylan. He just wanted to make Dylan jealous, that's all it was.
So if that's all it was why did I feel so confused all of a sudden?