Deeks needed to know – so here it is. Post 5x19 Spoils of War.
She hasn't said anything since she pretty much broke in his arms earlier. At dinner in the mess she ate with well less than half the usual Kensi Blye intensity he'd grown accustomed to. And he let it go because technically he'd done the same to her almost a year earlier. He regrets setting that precedent because he'd be the world's biggest hypocrite if he forced her to talk now, but he wants to. He wants to see her smile, wants to hear her crazy cackle-snort. And he's not sure he ever will again.
He's sure she'd see the guilt he has pooling in his eyes if she even bothered to look at him. But she's continually staring off into space and he's worried himself almost into a stupor that she's still focused on Jack; that she hasn't even noticed he's here.
But that guilt is there, eating away at him.
Guilt for not taking the shot. Guilt for going in the ambulance and leaving her with a promise of 'talking later'. Guilt for getting her sent off to Afghanistan and running into her fiancé in the middle of a war zone all because he couldn't curb his feelings for her. His almost unfounded need to protect her.
He kind of wishes she'd sought him out on the plane. But she stayed in the back mumbling with Sam. He longs to be her source of comfort but by the time they land and pile into the SUV that will take them back to OSP all she's given him is a quick glance before hurriedly averting her eyes.
She's definitely avoiding him.
Hetty, Nell and Eric are waiting at the entrance to the bullpen for them. Nell is almost bursting at the seams and can't control herself from almost tackling Kensi with happiness while Eric stands in the background with tears in his eyes waiting for his turn. What he sees in Hetty shocks him though.
Hetty is looking straight at him, sadness and guilt sewn into her face.
He mumbles something about returning his gun to the armory when it's clear that Kensi still has no intention of acknowledging him. He swears it's not so nobody sees him shed a few tears of his own. He doesn't even realise their Operations Manager is following him until he turns at the bench. But unlike usual, she doesn't get a reaction out of him.
"What do you want Hetty?" he mumbles, dumping the rifle case rather haphazardly on the bench before pulling the now well-worn 'Touching Wood' t-shirt from underneath it.
"To congratulate you on a successful mission Detective," she replies softly.
Deeks only scoffs as he starts polishing the first section of his weapon. "Wasn't really me was it?"
"On the contrary Mr Deeks, your part in this rescue mission was invaluable. Without your efforts the ending may not have been quite so joyful."
"Just makes it even I guess," he concedes.
"Makes what even?" Hetty questions curiously.
"Well it's only fitting that I do something considering it was me that got her sent over there in the first place," Deeks grumbles.
"Mr Deeks you did nothing of the sort, what would give you that opinion?"
"I don't know Hetty, that you sent her there the day after… after whatever happened. After I risked the mission and national security because I didn't have the balls to say what I meant?"
"Marty," she begins softly. "You had nothing to do with your partner getting reassigned. This mission was hers from the beginning."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" A voice starts from the entrance to the armory. Kensi storms in with anger written on her face.
"Ms Blye –" Hetty tries.
"No, don't you 'Ms Blye' me Hetty. What the hell do you mean it was my mission?" Kensi starts angrily. "Did you know the whole time?"
"Jack Simon was my friend. I knew you knew him and I knew that when faced with the decision you would save his life."
"Wait… So it wasn't my fault?" Deeks interrupts hopefully, looking straight at Hetty as she turns again to look at him.
"No Mr Deeks, the blame for everything that has happened since before your partner was reassigned was entirely mine. Frankly I'm upset that you would think that it had anything to do with your feelings for Ms Blye."
"You're upset?" Kensi and Deeks both growl at the same time. They look toward each other and Kensi finally recognises the guilt in her partner's eyes.
"Hetty you sent her over there into a hellish situation you don't get to be upset," Deeks scolds.
"Yes Detective, and you can reprimand me further on Monday when you return to work. For now I think I owe you two some time to talk," Hetty offers before leaving the room silently.
"She's in for a rude awakening if she thinks we're letting her off the hook that easy," Kensi jokes weakly, taking a few steps closer and leaning on the side of the bench.
"I see your sense of humour has improved slightly in absence of my coaching," he fires back. "But I don't know how you're laughing right now."
"I figured it might stop me crying for once," she offers shyly.
"Hey, I'm just glad you're speaking to me."
"Well you were avoiding me."
"Kens, you wouldn't even look at me," he urges.
"Well I was scared," she mumbles.
"Scared of what Kensi, what possible reason could you have for being scared to look at me? Because I can tell you while you've been hiding inside your head and in the back of airplanes I've run every scenario through my head. I've been letting you deal with it however you want, scared to push and find out that we're not at that place anymore."
"Deeks –"
"No let me finish, please. You got sent away Kensi, and for four months I was convinced it was my fault. That because I didn't know how to control my feelings and pull the trigger when required you were off on the other side of the world. Those conversations were my lifeline Kensi, and I don't know if they meant as much to you as they did to me –"
"They did. I swear to God they did, Deeks."
"Good," he chokes out. "Because then you might be able to figure out how I felt when you missed our check in last week. And then when I found out that you'd gone off into the dessert to look for your fiancé without backup," he finishes, looking at her hopefully.
"Wait, did you think that's what it'd come down to?" Kensi begins as she takes a step around the bench so they're face to face. "That it'd be you or him?" His eye-averting gaze is all she needs to confirm her suspicions.
"Deeks, that's stupid."
"Not really," he mumbles to his feet. "I mean, you guys must have had it good yeah? Communication and all that."
"He never stood a chance. And I don't want to butcher this, but the place I went to in my head to stop the pain? It was you Deeks," she breathes.
"My smile?" he grins.
"Your smile, your laugh, everything. It was the only thing that got me through it. Not Jack or thinking about the past, just you and our future."
"Our future. I like that," he smiles as he reaches out to grab her hands.
"So does this mean we're communicating now?" she teases, bumping her hip against him.
"I mean, sure I guess," he jokes. "But I always preferred our usual form of communicating."
"That's funny, I was about to say the same thing," she laughs, reaching up to throw her arms around his neck and plant her lips on his.
They had a long way to go and he was sure she wouldn't be this happy waking up from nightmares four times a night but they'd figure it out.
They always do.