CECIL:
Listeners, there's some new folks in town.
They have eyes that are most often blue, or green, or brown, but sometimes flash to black unexpectedly, impossibly.
Rumour has it they're demons possessing humans, wearing people like a meat-suits, leaving them trapped inside their own flesh as prisoners.
Either that, or they just own excellent synchronised contact lenses.
Demonic possession is of course frowned upon in Night Vale as it makes prosecution very difficult. Can we blame the helpless men and women for the atrocities committed by their very own hands? Yes, we most certainly can.
We have lawyers. It is best not to resist.
Just now, Old Woman Josie rang in to Night Vale Community Radio.
She reported that her angels are restless at this demonic development, and that they mutter among themselves in words she does not understand.
She says the angels have divided into firm cliques, and they often seem to be bickering, and that she did not know angels could be petty.
Just as the angels are apathetic to the struggles of humanity, she says she couldn't care less about their arguments, as the chatter is very distracting and she needs to sleep. She is an old lady after all, she reminded us sternly.
Well thank you for that update Old Woman Josie, and more on this story as it progresses.
CECIL:
Two men are driving into town, listeners. One has beautiful hair that flows like a cool breeze on the back of your neck, whispered half-truths hidden in the flowing brown locks. He is tall man, and reportedly has a tattoo on his chest, a sigil of a star encircled by black flames.
The second man is smaller, and he has been seen to carry a gun. He has green eyes, or so I'm told, and looks angry. He looks righteous.
The City Council would like to remind the citizens of Night Vale that these men are armed and dangerous, and that just because they are extremely attractive does not mean you should trust them.
They also say that the men have already broken the law, as wearing more than three layers at any time is strictly prohibited in Night Vale, as we are a desert community, and passing out from the heat is a very real threat.
According to reports, the men has also picked up a hitch-hiker like the good, moral men we project that they are, judging this solely on their ravishing looks.
Well, more on this story as it develops.
Now for an update on the demonic possession that's crippling our community. The Sheriff's Secret Police have issued a statement saying that business is to continue as usual, and that if we ignore the demons, they might leave us alone. It's a cheap solution for the tax-payer, so us residents aren't complaining. Except of course, those of us already overcome by the demons. No demon has ever paid tax to date, so they definitely do not have cause to complain either.
Big Rico's Pizza are selling Extra Salty Slices for $2 a piece in light of this demon situation. They say that supernatural beings can't cross a line of salt, and so if you get your salt-levels high enough, they won't be able to get down your throat. It's a delicious remedy to both possession and peckishness. No one does a slice like Big Rico! No one.
CECIL:
Remember those demons I mentioned earlier? The ones with those ghastly black eyes that evoke feelings of fear in your chest, the eyes the colour of coal and apathy?
Well the handsome men have rolled into town, and they are doing battle with those wretched demons as we speak.
Their hitchhiker, who on closer inspection seems to be a trench-coated man, is in cohorts with the angels, and passionately seems to be trying to rally them to the cause. Old Woman Josie has camped out in our offices in protest to the noise, and we urgently ask that the angels to quieten down so that this kind old lady can be returned to her home.
The men seem to have no plan whatsoever other than stabbing or shooting any demon that crosses their path, and I for one do fear for their safety.
Listeners, if you'll allow me a brief editorial. I urge you to act. Take your weapons, your guns and your children, and fight these demons, some of whom may be residing in your children. Help the handsome men defend our town. Go now, please.
Do your duty to save our community.
CECIL:
They have gone, listeners. The men wandered unscathed out of the town some hours ago. The angels finally came, and laid waste to the demon scum, and all is well once more.
The humans who the demons were possessing are of course dead too, but that's not important. What's important is that our little town survived a war that none of us cared about, albeit with colossal collateral damage. We are strong, Night Vale. Many of you responded to my plea today, and were subsequently killed in the ensuing battle, and for that I am sorry. For all of you survivors who heard but did not listen, who hid under beds, craven, and placed their own lives higher than that of the community, then it seems you are all we have left. So I say to you, weak-willed cowardly folk without gumption or backbone, the survivors of Night Vale.
Goodnight, Night Vale. Goodnight.