Disclaimer: These characters most certainly don't belong to me, am simply borrowing them for the purposes of this story.
AN: An angst piece set in S6, sometime after episode 3 but no further forward than that really. I've gone back in time, and created an imaginary world to hide from the reality of S6. This was sort of inspired by a picture of Robin Tunney at some awards show, looking very pretty with very nice hair.
I'm Jealous of Him.
Jane lies on his couch and pretends he is not entirely consumed with what is going on around him.
He should be upstairs thinking, he shouldn't be wasting precious minutes lying here and brooding but he finds himself utterly unwilling to move. He wants to be here when Lisbon leaves for the night.
It's Friday night, just after 6pm and unusually Lisbon has plans for the evening. This disturbs him for many reasons, most notably that he doesn't like her going out into the world without him when Red John seems so intent on taunting her. If he were to be completely honest with himself however he would simply admit he doesn't like her going out into the world without him.
He knows he should be thankful that at least she is maintaining a pitiful semblance of a life whilst they are at their most critical point ever in the Red John investigation, but mostly he wants to lock her in her office so that he can keep her safe.
He doesn't delve too deeply into the other reasons he wants to keep her safe. If Lisbon is out in a bar tonight, then it won't be him trying to make her laugh and he won't be the one trying to impress her. Jane doesn't even want to consider the possibility that some random guy could be talking to her in a few hours and making her blush that delicious shade of pink when she is embarrassed by a compliment.
He doesn't want to think about any of this. So while he is pleased that Lisbon will have a few hours this evening to enjoy dinner with old college friends, he still wishes for another life where her Friday nights might be spent in some other way.
That they might be spent with him.
He has his eyes closed, waiting for Lisbon's footsteps as she walks through the Bullpen on her way out. She disappeared to the ladies bathroom about 20 minutes ago so he assumes she is changing for her night out, and he doesn't want to miss a second of looking at her lovely face.
He hears unfamiliar footsteps across the floor, the clatter of stiletto heels against the ground and he slowly opens his eyes to follow the direction of the movement.
When he focuses on Lisbon he has to use all his available resources to disguise his visceral reaction to her appearance.
He swallows thickly as he gazes at her in appreciation and awe. She looks beautiful to him, she always does, but tonight she is wearing her beauty with a confidence she doesn't always display.
She has changed into impossibly tight, expensive looking jeans and Jane wonders how on earth she managed to pour herself into them. He is uniquely thankful she has, because she looks wonderfully feminine in them – perhaps heightened by the heels she is wearing. She has on the same shirt and jacket she has been wearing all day but the addition of a very un-Lisbon like clutch bag and gold belt make her look completely different to the agent he has worked with all day.
It's her face, her beautiful face that he can't stop himself from staring at – she is wearing much more makeup than she usually does, and the light catching on her hair reveals that she has coloured it in some way. He thinks how bewitching she is, and then feels something like sorrow in his gut when he realises he won't be the only man who thinks these admiring thoughts tonight.
"Jane, I'm heading out for the night; you going to be okay? Please go to your motel and try and get some rest, okay?"
He smiles at her, beaming with pride that underneath that makeup his wonderful Lisbon remains.
"I will certainly go to the motel and try and rest, Lisbon. You look lovely by the way; I hope you have a good time with your friends tonight."
She colours in pleasure at his words, and suddenly he wants to escort her from the building and have her on his arm as she goes to catch up with her friends. He wonders what kind of man he might be if he were to let Lisbon into his life in the way he aches to.
She smiles at him one last time, says good night to Cho and Rigsby and then heads out into the night.
He watches the corridor for long minutes after she is gone, hoping against all reason that she will come back to keep him company – perhaps play poker with him in the way they sometimes do when neither of them want to break from each other's company.
"Man the boss looks hot tonight."
Rigsby's admiring statement sounds overly loud in the quiet of the near empty room, and perhaps Jane resents the words for more obviously male reasons.
"The boss is hot."
Cho directs these words and his blank stare at Jane, the directness of his words makes something ache again in Jane. He, of course, knows the words to be true and he feels sorrier than he can say that Lisbon has gone out into the night without him beside her.
He stands from his place on the couch and makes his excuses for the day.
He knows he should go to his attic and think, but he can't. He just can't tonight. Thoughts and emotions he usually wars with successfully are too close to the surface tonight for him to lose himself in the intellectual pursuit of Red John.
He gets in his car and drives to a bar; wanting nothing more than the cool burn of expensive whisky on his throat.
He sits himself in the corner of the bar with a good single malt and intends to nurse his drink for an hour and then head to his motel to sleep for a few hours.
As the night progresses and he witnesses the usual Friday night bar chat he can't help wondering what Lisbon is doing. He watches as men approach women, and women approach men – he wonders who is approaching Lisbon. He drinks more when these thoughts refuse to leave his head. He thinks about how her hips looked in those jeans, and about how the deep red of her lipstick highlighted the sensuality of her lips. He swallows more alcohol as he tries to accept that whatever Lisbon is doing now is none of his business.
He swallows more alcohol.
He thinks about the sensuality of her lips and wishes for a different life.
He swallows yet more alcohol.
He knows he's drunk too much to even think about driving anywhere so he heads off into the night when the bar becomes too busy and too much of a remembrance of what might be going on across town.
Jane finds himself heading in the direction of Lisbon's apartment and doesn't think about what that might mean. He tells himself he wants to ask her about the Carson case, about her taking care of her own safety, and of why she would leave him alone and go spend time with other people.
He knows he really needs a cup of tea, perhaps even a pot of tea, before he should talk to Lisbon.
Infact a very small part of him recognises that he shouldn't be slouched on the floor in front of her condo; he should be letting her alone to try and build a little bit of life for herself.
He buries his head in the collar of his jacket and thinks about what he could tell Lisbon that won't have her punching him when she finds him like this. And actually he doesn't want her to try and coddle him either tonight, just this once he wants to have an honest moment with her.
This is clearly why he has been so dependent on alcohol for his bravado.
It's colder than he anticipated, and after half an hour the nobleness of waiting for Lisbon on her doorstep has lost some of its lustre. He thinks of calling a cab but then focuses on how very much her wants to see Lisbon in the jeans before he goes back to his motel. He has started to count down his remaining days of freedom – or life – and he finds that he aches to spend the majority of that time with Teresa Lisbon. He accepts the unfairness of this desire, he knows he can only hurt her and yet he wants… He just wants. It's been so long since he has given into any sort of longing, he acknowledges this it's fitting he should be sitting like this fretting over Lisbon.
He has no real plan of what to do when she arrives; he thinks he might literally weep if she were to bring company back with her. These thoughts, even in the abstract make him nauseous in ways that too much whisky could not.
He sits in his chosen spot and spends time with his favourite memories of Teresa; mainly those times he made her laugh or smile that full smile of hers. He thinks about the day he clung to her hand after his sojourn in Vegas, and he wishes she were here to hold his hand now.
He laughs a little at his sentimentality and then acknowledges that he can't regret these feelings – if she were here now he would be trying to twin his fingers with her own. Whether or not Lisbon would allow him this privilege is a whole other story…
He hears a car pull up and prepares himself to talk to the woman he has been thinking about all night, only to find that one of her neighbours has been out grocery shopping and he must return to his cold and silent contemplation.
He wonders when he got so old; he can actually feel his bones protest the stupidity of his current position. He wants her to come home, and he wants to be with her.
This thought troubles him and yet he can't deny the truth of the words. He knows it's stupid and careless and he knows whatever they might have would be doomed to be over almost as soon as it's begun… But again, he wants…
He wants and this time he finds that he very much needs to acknowledge that.
He hears another vehicle park enter the complex and soon the sound of heels on concrete alert him to Lisbon's presence.
He thinks about standing to greet her, but wonders if he will be able to rise with any semblance of dignity intact before she gets to her front door.
He smells her perfume before he actually gets eyes on her, and he draws comfort in the constancy of her scent. In some of his darkest moments these last years when he needed comfort and calm he would focus on how good she smelled, and how he would associate that with safety.
"Jane, what's going on? Are you hurt, what's going on?"
He smiles as she goes straight into protector mode.
"I'm fine Teresa. I had a drink, thought I shouldn't drive so came to see you. I didn't think you would appreciate me breaking in so I've simply been waiting for you my dear."
He allows himself a moment to look at her lovely, slightly annoyed, face. Some of her make-up has worn off over the course of the night, and he certainly doesn't regret that he can see more of her freckles than he could earlier. Her lipstick remains, though less vibrant than earlier its dullness does not lessen the affect staring at her lips has on him.
"Jane, it's late and you should be home."
"I'll leave you if you send me out into the night after I've enjoyed a cup of tea. Have a heart Lisbon."
He watches as she sighs at him, trying to hide her smile of weary amusement.
"Get up and get inside, Jane, my neighbours will be talking about me if you don't move."
Jane waits till she is focused on unlocking her door and then he struggles to his feet with as much grace as he can muster. He resists the urge to rest his hand on the small of her back; he curls his fingers and shoves them in his jacket pocket to ease the temptation.
He hovers in her periphery as Lisbon goes about her business of taking off her coat, and her shoes. He smiles helplessly when he is confronted with the more familiar sight of a short Lisbon beside him. He sneaks a look at her bare feet and suddenly wants to offer her a foot rub, but he chooses to keep this desire to himself for now. He decides he should force his thoughts to more reasonable discussions.
"Did you have fun tonight, Lisbon?"
"You don't have to watch out for me like this Jane, I have guns you know. You should be trying to sleep not trying to watch over me."
He wants to tell her that watching over her could never be anything other than a pleasure, but thinks that perhaps she should have a coffee in her hand for this unsettling revelation.
"I do understand you have guns, but that won't ever make me stop worrying. And you didn't answer my question, did you have fun?"
He smiles at her, an honest smile because he is so happy to be sharing precious time with her.
"It was okay, it was good to see people again – but it's been a hard few weeks and I'm tired so mainly I spent tonight wishing I was home. And that's not how I should be when out with old friends, but I'm tired. But it was good to see people and when I'm less busy at work I'll do it again."
He doesn't know what part of those words hurt him more; Lisbon pretending she will ever be less busy at work or her admitting how difficult the last few weeks have been for her.
"You deserve to be less busy Lisbon, and you should be. Perhaps something you could embrace, however, after making me a cup of rejuvenating tea."
She smiles at him again, this time more honestly as she turns and heads to her small kitchen to make them some hot drinks.
He buries his hands deep in his jacket pockets and follows her.
She has her back to him, busying herself with preparing his cup and Jane can't take his eyes from the curve of her hips and how good her ass looks in those jeans. He wonders how quickly he could cross the kitchen to touch her, but then takes time to consider just how much damage Lisbon could inflict on him if she were to recoil from his affection. He is certain she wants him as much as he does her but he acknowledges she most likely wouldn't see the truth in this statement.
He wonders if this will be last time he gets to spend some quiet minutes with her like this, and he knows finally what he has to do.
He takes a few steps closer to her then loses his nerve, deciding that her life would ultimately be much easier if he were not to complicate their emotional involvement any further.
Lisbon turns slightly to reach for a spoon and as she does she tucks a long strand of her behind her ear, and this heartbreakingly familiar action makes Jane take an involuntary step towards her. He very much wants to smooth her hair away from her face, and spend time exploring the smooth, pale skin of her throat.
He walks quickly now that he is intent on his purpose, as he moves behind Lisbon and encircles her in his arms.
"Jane, what the hell are you doing?"
She's gone rigid in his arms, but he is encouraged that she lets her grip slip from her coffee mug and then suddenly doesn't seem to know what to do with her hands. He buries his face in her hair and ever so slightly increases his hold on her, feeling her relax into the contact.
"Are you okay, what's wrong?"
He wants to shout a serial killer wants to hurt you Lisbon, the same serial killer I am going to kill very soon… He decides a different sort of honesty might be more appropriate now.
He kisses her hair softly, breathing in the familiar scent of her shampoo and the overwhelmingly intoxicating fragrance that is Lisbon. Jane can feel her try to resist his touch, and though he can't see her face he knows she is frowning and worrying about him.
Jane kisses her hair again, moving his lips down towards her neck as he suddenly needs to taste her skin. The brief brush of his lips against the column of her throat elicits a moan from Lisbon he feels all the way to his heart.
"Please Jane, please don't do this."
She whispers these words to him as he rests his left hand on her hip so that he can further investigate the taste of the soft skin he has so recently become addicted to. He kisses her sweetly one last time before he straightens again, never letting go of his hold on her. He buries his face in her hair again, unwilling to be separated from his new favourite place to rest his head.
"I'm so jealous of him Lisbon."
Lisbon stiffens slightly in bemused response to his words and she tries to turn in his hold to face him, but Jane is unwilling to loosen his hold on her.
"I don't understand; who have you to be jealous of?"
"Him Lisbon. The man who is going to be here like this with you. The man you are going to spend your life with. I'm just so very jealous of him and the life he'll get to have with you when I'm gone."
He feels her move her hand to rest against his arms, as she grabs onto the material of his jacket.
"Don't talk like that Jane, don't ever talk like that."
He moves slightly as Lisbon stretches to turn her head round to face him, and then her lips are against his and he can only concentrate on the firm press of her body against his.
The kiss is awkward and frantic, but he knows all over again what it feels like to be owned. He would do anything; go anywhere to be able to kiss Lisbon like this for just a while longer. He feels her sigh against his mouth and then all he can feel is the slide of her tongue against his. His arms slacken around her as he attempts to find a more comfortable way to hold her, and this allows Lisbon to turn in his arms so that she can hold him against her.
He rests his forehead against Lisbon's as he tries to calm his breath, adoring how it feels to be wrapped in the protective embrace of Teresa Lisbon.
"Can I stay with you tonight Lisbon?"
She doesn't answer him with words, instead curling her fingers in the front of his shirt and pulling his lips back to tangle with her own. Jane rests his hands on the much admired curve of her hips while he holds her against his body. There is an absence of gentleness but an overwhelming aura of need between them, and when he can't resist it any longer he lifts Lisbon in his arms to rest her against her kitchen counter. He breathes heavily and rests his lips against her shoulder, not quite believing they are going to do this.
"You know you can stay tonight and just stay, this doesn't have to happen. I just want you to be safe, Jane."
He looks at her properly for the first time since they started trying to communicate through touch. She is lovely, utterly lovely and he knows all over again how beyond lucky he is to have her in his life. And he knows with a similar sense of certainty that he has been nothing but a curse to her. She is watching him too, and smiles as she reaches up to wipe lipstick from his lips with her thumb. She rests one hand on his shoulder and then the other in his hair as she learns forward to kiss him with a tenderness that is beautiful and heart-breaking all at the same time.
He knows with absolute certainty that when he leaves he will break her heart.
"I want to stay with you tonight Lisbon."
"And then you'll leave."
"I don't want to think about tomorrow Lisbon, I want to make you remember me with something other than sadness. Or maybe I'm just a selfish man and I want to make you miss me. I want you Teresa."
He feels his heart crack open when she kisses his cheek and whispers against his skin that she loves him.
Jane helps her down from the counter, as Lisbon takes his hand in hers and leads him to her bed.
He knows he will break her heart, just as truly as he knows he is breaking his own.