For once James didn't know what to do. He was conflicted to his very core. One path was very clear; he could walk away from everything he had believed, everything he had previously known to be true. The other path was easier, but at the same time so much more difficult. It required him to abandon his newly found feelings. He sat, huddled on the hard floor of his dormitory, not wanting to sleep even though time was now slowly slipping into the next day. His head sagged onto his folded arms from exhaustion, but he couldn't sleep. Every time he tried he only managed to doze lightly, waking up mere minutes later because his mind refused to turn off. It would only dwell on his waking thoughts, which were frustrating to begin with.

James threw his head back against the wall, purposely hitting it as hard as he could to do anything that might distract him from his thoughts. He was rewarded for a few brief seconds, while he blinked the stars out of his eyes he wasn't thinking about him, but when the stars were gone the pain in his head was only added to the much worse ache that had been with him for the past few months. He wasn't sure how he wanted to feel about that particular pain just yet, but before he could really think about it his alarm went off. It obviously thought he was going to sleep during the night, and that it would need to wake him up in the morning so he could get ready for his morning class.

How wrong it was, he thought wryly.

He walked back to the stand next to his four-poster bed to shut it off. Yet another sleepless night. If he carried on like this he was going to drive himself crazy. Not that he hadn't already started, but tacking on exhaustion to his problems was only going to make things worse. He couldn't help it though; when he slept, if he could get to sleep in the first place anyway, then he dreamed. And the dreams only further complicated matters.

The clothes he pulled off now were from the day before. He hadn't even bothered to change, knowing full well he wasn't going to sleep much, if at all. While he contemplated how long he could go without sleep he picked out what he was going to wear that day. He grabbed the first shirt he came to, thinking how he would just throw his robes on over it anyway, when his stomach lurched unpleasantly. It was a shirt Sirius had bought him last year. For a few seconds James just stood there, wanting to throw the shirt to the side. But there was no reason to take his anger out on the shirt, no reason to be angry for that matter. So he put the shirt down and grabbed a different shirt.

This is going to be harder than I thought it would be, he thought as he walked down to breakfast.

- - - - - - -

James had many friends in his classes, but had become close friends with only Sirius, Remus, and Peter. Of course there was also Lily, who had only just started being pleasant to him for a change. Hardly anyone glanced twice at her – with all the students that went to school there she went easily unnoticed. James, on the other hand, sought her out. He had been practically obsessed with her for the past few years, but his recently found feelings made even that more complicated. To him she was now a source of comfort. He hadn't told her everything that was going on with him, not entirely anyway, but he had a suspicion that she knew a bit more than he had actually told her. When he had first thought of this he had been surprised to realize he didn't really care.

Now as James walked into the Great Hall he scanned the Gryffindor table for her. Once he saw her he made his way toward her and sat down next to her. He was looking for any reason to distract him from his dilemma.

"Hey!" She said, and quickly wrapped her arms around his middle in a warm, friendly hug. Then she looked up at his face. She frowned, and as she pulled away from him her forehead wrinkled. "You look like hell, James. Did you sleep last night?"

James shrugged. "Not really."

Lily sighed. "James…"

"I know, I know. It's just – hard."

"I understand, but you're gonna drive yourself to the point of massacring people here at school if you don't start sleeping soon."

Now it was James's turn to sigh. "I know, I've thought of that."

Lily looked incredulous. "You've thought of massacring people here?"

"Oh, God no," he laughed and she smiled. "You know what I meant."

"True, but I did get you to laugh. And besides, the zombie look doesn't really work for you."

James helped himself to some breakfast while Lily, who had just finished, started talking about various things. She talked about some tests that were coming up in her classes and her fears about whether she would pass them or not, and James kept himself purposely focused on her so his mind wouldn't go back to the place he knew it would.

Unfortunately, Lily couldn't be fooled for long. "James, come on, talk. I can tell something is bothering you." When he didn't respond she continued, "It's not healthy to keep your emotions in like this." He still didn't respond, so she continued to prod. "Please tell me what's wrong."

James just continued to eat, so Lily grabbed his arm to stop his fork from reaching his mouth. James stopped, looked at her determined face, and then glanced at the nearly full table around them. "Fine. I'll tell you what's going on, but I think you already know part of it," he added accusingly. She just shrugged, so he continued, "But not here. Not with all these people."

Lily nodded. "At lunch then. You will tell me what's going on."

- - - - - - -

James spent the rest of the morning with his mind drifting in and out of class, never really paying attention, wishing he would suddenly get violently sick so he could get out with a good excuse, just to avoid Sirius, who had every class with him. Not to mention lunch with Lily. He didn't mind her knowing what was going on, but he didn't really know how to explain stuff to her when he couldn't explain it to himself.

Suddenly people all around him were moving, and he guessed the class must have ended. His stomach twisted horribly – it was lunchtime. Sirius clapped him on the shoulder.

"Hey mate, lunchtime! Let's go grab a seat."

"Actually, I kinda told Lily I would sit with her." James hoped Sirius couldn't hear how nervous he sounded.

"Oh, I get ya! Good luck, I'll find Moony and Wormtail then."

James watched Sirius walk out of the class and then he gathered his things. After he had dropped off his bag in the dormitory he made his way down to the Great Hall, where Lily was already waiting for him.

"I thought it might be easier for you to talk to me if we went for a walk." James was only able to nod, and before they could leave Sirius walked by with Remus and Peter. He gave James a thumbs-up and winked. Then, thankfully, Lily spoke again as they walked out of the front doors. "I know this is going to be hard for you, so I'll try to make it as easy as possible. I know a bit more about this than I think you know I do." She searched his face but it was blank, so she was right in her guess. She continued, "You've told me about how your friendship with Sirius has changed, and at first I didn't think anything of it, but as I got to know you better you started to let things slip." She hesitated, not knowing how to say what she wanted to say next, then sighed and just plowed on. "I know you have feelings for him, James. And don't get me wrong, of course it doesn't bother me or anything. Just tell me about the first time you realized you might like him. You haven't told me that, so let's just start there."

James didn't show any emotion as she said all this. Part of him had realized she knew, but he had never really thought about it before to decide if he cared or not. He sighed and thought of her prompt – the first time he had realized he liked Sirius.

"Well, there wasn't really a single moment, or event or anything like that. I just realized that I had been thinking of him quite a bit, and after a while I started thinking of that, which would just lead to me thinking of him again," he paused. "I guess after a while I started to realize how much I enjoyed just spending time with him. And," he perked up a bit, remembering one occasion that had triggered some of the realization, "there was this time, after I heard he was bi, where I started noticing some of the things he would do around me. Simple things, you know, putting his arm around me when we played pranks or something, and some of the things he would say when we were just joking around or if someone else was joking and said something about us 'hooking up.' It was nothing, you know, just little things."

Lily was silent, taking everything in and not wanting to interrupt. When James finally took a minute to continue she figured he was done, or at least unsure of what to say next, and she thought it was safe to inject her opinion. "But wait a sec, James, you said you noticed stuff that he was doing. Right?"

"Yeah."

"So, wouldn't that mean he might be interested in you too?"

James hesitated. "I hadn't really thought about that."

"But, so what's the problem? If he likes you, and you like him –"

"But I don't know that I do. I'm just not totally sure."

"Well, I suppose that's something you need to figure out."

"No shit."

"Ha ha. Seriously though, James. And," she added, "you should probably figure out exactly how he feels."

"How the hell am I supposed to do that?"

"Erm, ask."

James stared at her, his mouth open, "I can't do that! Why would I just ask him something like that?"

"Ok, ok. Breathe, James. Just bring it up casually. Or say you heard someone say he was gay - "

"He's bi."

"Hold on, I'm not done. Tell him you heard someone say he was gay, and you were just wondering if it was true. If he's straight he'll most likely tell you and if he's bi he might admit to it."

James was hesitant. "I don't know."

"Isn't it worth a shot?"

"I suppose. But what if…" James trailed off, unsure if he really wanted to voice his question out loud.

"What, James? You can ask me."

James sighed again. "What if he doesn't like me?"

Lily felt like laughing, but knew better than to do that. "James, that's how people feel all the time."

- - - - - - -

That night Sirius had to serve detention with Filch. James was lying on his bed thinking about things. The talk with Lily really helped. James admitted to himself that Lily's idea was good: he would have to bring up the question somehow. Before he talked to Sirius though he needed to figure out how exactly he felt about him. It didn't take as long as he thought it would, which was the reason he had put it off for so long, or so he kept telling himself. But as he thought things through he realized that he had really been putting it off because he was just afraid to admit to himself that he really did have feelings for Sirius. He didn't know how strong they were, but at least he had figured out part of it.

He sighed, not having anything to do to distract himself from waiting for Sirius to get back from his detention. It was almost 9:30, so Filch couldn't possibly keep him much longer. He waited impatiently, and suddenly he heard Sirius say his name. James jumped and looked around. His two-way mirror was glowing. He seized it and held it up to his face. Why hadn't he thought of the mirror?

"Hey, what's up?" James said into the mirror, where he could suddenly see Sirius's face. "How much longer is Filch gonna keep ya?"

"Oh I don't know, I think he's really irritated about some second years who talked Peeves into locking Filch in a broom cupboard. Needless to say I am suffering some very ill-aimed aggression."

James laughed. "But I see you're not too busy to talk."

"I always make time for my friends," Sirius said with a smile. There was something odd about that smile.

"What have you done?" James asked his best friend with a sigh.

"Well, I might have talked Peeves into locking Mrs. Norris in a broom cupboard, in order to draw Filch away for a while."

James roared with laughter. "He's gonna skin you, ya know."

"He won't know it was me, Peeves promised not to say anything." There was a twinkle in Sirius's eye that he got whenever he was up to no good. James loved it. "So what about you? What happened with Lily at lunch?"

"Oh er – not a lot. Mostly we talked."

Sirius groaned sympathetically. "Bad luck, Prongs."

"Yeah, well we actually overheard someone talking about you." James thought that if he just said it, just got it out there, that it might be easier to continue. Now that he had said it, though, he wished he could take it back.

"Yeah? What were they saying?"

"Well, there was a group of girls by the lake, and one of them was complaining about how she thought you were the best looking guy in the school – and that it really sucked that you were gay. And when she saw me she said I should 'straighten you out' so she had a shot." So it hadn't happened at lunch, but James actually did have someone come up and tell him that.

Sirius could barely breathe he was laughing so hard. "Straighten me out," he repeated in between gasps for air.

James laughed nervously. "Yeah, I didn't really know how to respond to that."

"Well," James could swear he saw Sirius wipe tears from his eyes, "if you see her again I suppose you could tell her she has a chance because I'm only bi, not gay." He laughed some more, then added, "Wait, how old was she?"

"Er – first or second year, I think." She had been quite tiny, James thought.

"Oh, well in that case I guess she's got a very small chance, since I'm so much older."

James hesitated, not sure what to say next. Sirius must have sensed something though.

"What's wrong?"

"You're really bi?" James asked, unable to help himself. He hadn't meant to say it so bluntly, but that was how it sounded out loud.

Sirius, however, only looked a little surprised. "You didn't know?"

"Well, not for sure, since you've never actually told me that before, but I had heard rumors…"

"Does it matter?"

"Well, no, but – "

"James I gotta go, I think I can hear Filch coming back. We can talk more when I get back, ok?"

"Yeah, sure." James's mirror was suddenly blank, as Sirius had closed his side of the conversation. He really didn't want to talk about this face-to-face with Sirius, so James did his best to fall asleep before Sirius returned from his detention. When the dormitory door finally opened some time later, Sirius heard James's snores and felt a moment of disappointment.