Prompt fill: 14. "Hey, I'm with you, okay? Always." + Kuroken, Pacific Rim AU
Notes:
- You may need to know or have watched Pacific Rim to understand several terminologies
- this is a spin off story from my friend's awesomely painful work please check it out (also you might need it to get the story anyway lel):
" 'til human voices wake us " by strikinglight AO3
- Italics are usually thoughts
- things you may need to know if you dont want to read the fanfic in AO3:
Suga got admitted into the ICU after falling into a coma after a fight against a kaiju
Scarlet Lancer is Kenma and Kuroo's jaeger
The other jaeger is Brave Aurora belonging to Daichi and Suga which uses a chain whip as its main weapon
Bakunawa is the enemy kaiju (taken from Philippine Myth and more or less looks like such)
Kuroken, Daisuga and Bokuaka pairs as co-pilots
Do enjoy yourselves :)
"Pull me back from the depths"
It was hardly comforting, sitting there, listening to the gentle blips of the monitor, the soft hum of the air conditioning and his breathing. The occasional creaking of the plastic chair while he squirmed in place when his body felt that a slight change in his posture was due any moment.
He had already figured out the schedule of the people that comes in and out of the room, giving him a window to visit in peace… that is until Daichi stops by and it was time to leave. Thankfully the silence continues to be undisturbed for a little while longer.
Kenma glues his eyes to his lap the whole time he is there, rarely looking at the resting form on the bed; thinking, always thinking. His co-pilot Kuroo knows that if he doesn't respond to the gentle nudges he sends through the ghost drift that he isn't in the mood to talk. Eventually a small flick through the connection tells the other he was fine and the walls he had set up were only temporary, caging his thoughts and feelings in where no one can read them, not even Kuroo.
It was a risky move. His mind is louder now after the mission than Bokuto in general. It was Kuroo who distracts him from overthinking with his strange antics. And he just locked him out, dwelling in his destructive thoughts all on his own.
Where did he go wrong that has merit the near death of his friends? For him there is no other reason but mere fatal human error. Kenma, with all his experience and knowledge, sends out his instructions just like the tens he'd given in the past. It is his job between the pair and he messed up by underestimating the Kaiju just because it seems weakened from their attacks. Since when did he make shallow assumptions?
He remembers it all too well. The sounds of metal caving in upon impact, tearing the left side apart and sending half of Brave Aurora's conn-pod into the air while leaving gashes on its chest plates, sparks flying and cables dangling dangerously close to exposed machinery, the fear of the battered jaeger losing power while the Kaiju is still upon them. The stinging pain on Kenma's arm wasn't enough to drown it all out, eyes wide in shock. He wanted to shut everything out, the scrapping noises, the fierce roaring of the kaiju, the raging storm and a familiar voice shouting his name through the dissolving neural bridge. He wanted it all out of his head.
The sound of the door sliding open made him jump a few inches off his chair, head snapping towards the visitor. His eyes met Sawamura Daichi's own, the fear and self-doubt quickly replaced with remorse before he could help himself.
Daichi rarely expects to see emotions being clearly shown by someone like Kenma. Those gold cat-like eyes can scrutinize a person without them even knowing; see through them like a two way mirror. He wonders if Kenma can see the churning turmoil that was going on in his head and the undeniable spark of anger that he was trying so hard to let go. He shouldn't be angry at Kenma. He should be angry at those god forsaken monsters that almost took Suga away from him.
He had little to no reason to doubt his orders in missions given a few suggestions and an occasional opinion. His orders are more like vague instructions, giving Daichi and Suga the freedom to act on how they will approach it while listening to Kuroo's insistent banter. Given enough time Kenma can work out a plan and with a bit of discussion, act on it as if it was their only chance.
They are not only allies but close friends, and friends shouldn't doubt each other. Not now in this ill-fated world.
But why is it so difficult for him to let that mistake go? Is it even a mistake? Or did they lack in something else entirely?
It was a fleeting glance before their contact broke off when Kenma avoids his gaze but he could still feel the eyes of the ranger on him. He felt his hands shake and he clasped them hard together, licking his lips nervously. No no not now. Not yet.
Heavy steps came forward and he scoots away to stand, just as Daichi was about to lay a hand on his shoulder. He gambles on another glance, seeing the pained look on his friend's face, the comforting gesture turning to uncertainty as he draws his hand back. Kenma lowers his head, bangs hiding his eyes and muttering a soft, "…excuse me…" before shuffling out of the room, leaving Daichi alone with Suga. He could at least give them the time they need together. He already took enough away.
Bokuto watches Kuroo absentmindedly drumming his fingers on the table, his head propped up by his hand and a look so distant he just had to throw a small piece of broccoli at him.
That gets his attention, giving him a look that asked if that was really necessary. He shrugs. "You're too quiet. It's disturbing, seeing you like that. I need noise but I'm too busy eating this meatloaf to do it myself. "
Kuroo cracks a smile, barely noticeable and straightening himself on his seat while picking at his food. The lines on his forehead didn't fade. "He shut me out again." he says quietly, dejected. Bokuto heaved a heavy sigh; obviously he can't do anything about that.
"You know why…"
He nodded. Kenma spends some time in the ICU to keep an eye on Suga for a little while, leaving him to go find something to do. He trusts Kenma completely but when his co-pilot started erecting impenetrable walls in the Ghost Drift he started to worry. He didn't see why he needs to do that given he doesn't wander into places Kenma doesn't want him to. God knows he'd be mauled if he tinkers with his PSP without his supervision. He would poke and prod on its surface when he got bored, calling out to him and then receive a gentle push away in response.
Later he tells him, that faint feeling of Kenma's consciousness swirling around near the wall. It was disconcerting. He'd try again, reaching out slowly, only to be locked out without any chance of reconsideration. And it hurt by some degree, that there are still things his partner would do anything to conceal from him. He assumes drifting would make it far easier to find out. To his dismay Kenma even finds a way to stop him from peering into deeper water and still share one mind.
Today was no different. The walls are there, if not fortified compared to the last time he brushed against it, separating him from his partner. There was a flash of fear that spears through him, making him stare down at his cold meal. He immediately channels his consciousness through their connection, searching for that negativity that seems to be coming from a hole through the walls that Kenma set up.
His mind was jostled, hairs standing up and he felt cold the closer he got to it. It spreads through the Ghost Drift, a slow creeping frost that traps his consciousness in place, battering him around with gale winds. Hands clenching tightly, he pushes through the waves of sorrow and guilt. It was an outright storm.
This can't be Kenma. He would've told him about it. This was entirely something else and it is freaking him out.
Ragged breaths filled the room steadily, his arms wrapping around him and trembling.
It was cold. Too cold for his liking and Kuroo's warmth was too far away.
Is this what Suga felt as he went under?
The pressure in his lungs makes breathing a struggle; the cold surface of the floor and the corners of the walls pricking his skin and making his heart race. Their room was equally dark, the moonlight from the windows casting shadows all around him. Kenma brings his legs even closer, curling up and whimpering.
Bring back the light that fizzled out too soon.
"Oi, Kenma!"
The young man looks up from the hallway and peers into the mess hall, eyes scanning the room until he spots an enthusiastic Bokuto waving at him. He sighed, shuffling towards them while tucking his PSP into his fanny pack.
Bokuto made a surprised face. "Did you just wake up ahead of Tetsuro?" he inquired, grinning in amusement.
Kenma huffed, shaking his head. "He's gone when I woke up. I don't know where he went but he told me through the Ghost Drift that he would be joining me, well us, for breakfast. I'm not hungry but he would whine about it all day if I don't…"
"You bet I would!" he quips, Kenma craning his head to face a smirking Kuroo before his hair is ruffled fondly by his best friend. His co-pilot sits next to him and sets a paper bag on the table with his tray of food while Kenma fixes his hair with a few shakes of his head.
Kuroo pushes the bag until it was in front of him, earning him a blank look. "C'mon I paid an arm and a leg to get that for you…" he says, pouting while taking a big bite off a sandwich. "Yub lob ip! (you'll love it!)"
He stares at the paper bag before gingerly opening it, reaching in to pull out a small box. The sweet scent of cinnamon snakes out from the bag and makes Bokuto drool, inhaling the air as if it would disappear at any moment. Kenma continues to stare at the boxed pastry, languidly tilting it around.
"It's an apple pie freshly made from the kitchen brought exclusively to you by Kuroo's Kitchen Deals." He announces, thumping his chest proudly. "I had to pester the chef for half an hour before he finally gave in."
He watches Kenma's eyes perk up by a few centimeters, golden eyes looking at him. "What's the occasion?" he asks, opening the box just to make sure it really was said puffed pastry, sniffing it almost cautiously.
Kuroo lowered his half eaten sandwich, regarding him with a gentleness that only he could see. "You were… so distant last night. Your sleeping and eating habits were the same but I could feel that something was bothering you so I thought you need a little pick me up." He explains, smiling softly at him. "I can't have my partner losing his focus when we have to head out again. Plus you have been giving me a lot of reasons to worry about you lately."
Kenma shifts his eyes away from him, flustering, and he stays that way for a good while. Bokuto shifted on his seat awkwardly, wishing Akaashi would come out already and not make him feel like he shouldn't be witnessing this.
Kuroo tilted his head in curiosity, staring at the back of Kenma's head. Soon he clicked his tongue, bending down to take a good bite out of the pie, the loud crunch that comes when he sank his teeth on it permeating the whole room. Time seems to slow down as he pulls away, leaving Kenma to stare at the bitten end in disbelief.
He swallows and breathes out a content sigh, smirking at him. "If you won't eat it then I wouldn't want to let all my efforts go to waste." he says, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.
Bokuto immediately flees the table with his tray, knowing what would happen next. The temperature in the mess hall changes significantly, mechanics and tech personnel turning their heads towards the pair while Kenma stares intently at his pie, looking absolutely offended while his aura spreads towards his immediate surroundings.
Kuroo walked out of there with a huge bruise on his head with a passive Kenma trailing behind, nibbling on his pastry.
Breathe. Just Breathe.
His fingers drag along already irritated skin, leaving red welts. Eyes scrunching up tightly and teeth burying deep into his lips so hard they burst. The metallic taste of blood brings back memories of being in the conn-pod with Kuroo to that day, sinking further and further from reality.
His partner is panting from the strain of the battle, hair sticking to his face and jaw locked tight.
A loud roar reverberates through their jaeger, shaking Kenma out of his stupor and his eyes shifts uneasily. The conn-pod looks considerably different to him and being inside felt foreign. He has always felt at home with Scarlet Lancer, so why is he feeling so lost now?
He faces towards his partner, the grinning idiot acting like nothing was wrong and typing away on the control panel while a voice relays its instructions. Kuroo nods at him, his courage coursing through their veins.
"Let's show this asshole what we're made of…"
Kenma feels his arm move on its own, following Kuroo's lead. The jaeger deploys a chain whip that cracked menacingly when extended, Kuroo taunting the Kaiju with a challenging gesture and further agitating their enemy.
Another jaeger moves behind Bakunawa, its left arm warped in an unnatural angle and having a hard time coordinating itself properly; maybe trying to avoid being the Kaiju's next target.
Wait… this is all wrong!
They expertly send the whip flying, binding itself around Bakunawa's serpentine body and dragging towards them as Kuroo pulls back his arm for a punch, their jaeger responding simultaneously. His eyes widen in fear, watching the kaiju jerk its body to face them in a split second, lowering its head and aiming its horn at them.
It pierces through their conn-pod, Kenma watching as a giant mass of scales and bone rip between them, cutting it in half. With the deafening sounds of breaking metal and snapping electrical wiring sending a flurry of sparks, he had one good look at his best friend before his half gave way and he was being thrown into the sky along with it, the scared look on Kuroo's face burning into his mind.
He got a brief view of the ocean and the battle from above before gravity sends him and the pod crashing into the waves. Frigid water surrounded him, the impact shattering his helmet and forcing water down his throat. The drive suit impedes his movement but he still flails for his life, screaming in his head and legs kicking wildly. He tries calling out to Kuroo through the Ghost Drift, desperation getting to him. Yet even he couldn't trace the other's presence, feeling nothing but dead space in his mind after they fell out of alignment and their connection was severed.
His eyes watch the light of the moon slowly fade in the inky deep, lungs caving in due to the lack of air. He claws at the surface of the raging ocean, wailing in his head.
Kuroo!
Kuroo opens the door and smirks when he found Kenma curled up on the couch, typing away on his phone a few days later. He plops himself next to him, and nudges his arm with his head, earning him a lazy look.
"I got you something~" he purrs, waving a wrapped up parcel.
His partner let out a sigh, setting his phone down. "What is it this time?" he asks, taking the item from him.
"Something that can keep your mind off of things…" he replies, resting his chin on his shoulder while he opens it. Since you rarely let me in on what's going on with you.
Kenma ignores the accusations in his head, eyebrows furrowing while he held the game in his hands. "Patapon 2?"
"Yup!" he exclaims, pointing at the brightly colored cover art with a wide grin. "It has this really annoying song that's stuck in my head and I wanted to share the pain with you because you can never get rid it. Ever. But the reviews say the game itself is good so what the heck, I got someone to buy it for me when they went to the city center."
Kenma hums in mild interest, setting it on the table before stretching his arms. "I'll try it later. I'm tired."
Kuroo proceeded to pout, poking his side. "I haven't even seen you do anything besides the occasional half-jog-half-walk around the oval…and I want to watch you play it."
"I also have somewhere to go…"
He groans, resting his head on his lap. Kenma stares down at him, his hand slowly carving through his partner's hair. The gesture is comforting, getting him to stretch his body fully while his legs dangled off the arm of the couch.
"When will you get back?"
"A few hours I guess. Only until Daichi comes to visit…"
Kuroo cracks open an eye to look at him, locking his gaze fully with Kenma's while his hand gently strokes his cheek. "You've been going there every day. Don't forget to take care of yourself too…" he mutters, a plea and a command all in one.
Kenma nuzzles his hand a bit, giving him a small smile. "But you're already doing so well in doing that for me…"
That got him an amused laugh, leaning on the couch as Kuroo slowly got up. "Then I'm glad." He tells him, a wave of warmth flowing through their bond and for once he is being allowed to pass through without being hindered by those walls. He's being let in his mind willingly like how it should be.
I'm serious… take care of yourself, Kenma.
He sighs, nodding and smiling at him apologetically. It has been so long since Kenma felt this much warmth.
When Kuroo left to bother Bokuto and Akaashi, Kenma throws away the ripped packaging in the trash bin and grabs the game, unlocking one of the drawers on the desk. They each had one for the sake of privacy when they virtually had none. He tugs it open and stores it neatly inside next to the broken PSP unit placed at the very end of the drawer, its screen cracked and the sides chipped. It stopped working when he threw it against the wall, right when he finally broke through the illusion of drowning. It isn't that big of a problem. He could easily replace it if he pooled enough of his pay together. But he bought it with Kuroo when they were kids and breaking it felt like he just stomped on that memory into the ground in distaste.
He locks the drawer and wore the key around his neck on a simple chain, moving to put on his shoes.
Kuroo watches Bokuto and Akaashi spar in the Kwoon Combat Room; well more like watching Bokuto gets his ass kicked by Akaashi for several rounds.
It was one of the places where Bokuto is almost always serious after a few fun and games and then he dedicates all of his focus on proving Akaashi wrong and getting some points in, narrowing the gap of their scores.
They would switch in random intervals, sparring against each other since Kenma only lasts for a round or two while Kuroo would be all in for ten more. He stretches his arms, preparing for a good fight depending on who loses this time.
He takes a moment to check up on Kenma, closing his eyes in concentration and taking small steps towards his consciousness. A wave of pure negativity crashes against him, as if the walls that were supposed to be there suddenly opened to let the excess emotions out. And it was freezing, chilling him to the bone and forcing him to back down.
He shudders, forcing himself to go against the current until it shoves him back to his own mind when he couldn't hang on, eyes snapping open. Akaashi was already looking at him in concern and Bokuto was next to him, a hand on his shoulder.
"You okay there?" he asks, his forehead creasing. "You're shivering like a drenched cat."
Kuroo stares at him and he notices his hands were definitely shaking, pressing them together. "I have to check on Kenma…" he let out, shakily getting up with Bokuto's help and he more or less sprints to the ICU in the other side of the building.
He leans against the wall to catch his breath when he got there, knocking on the door before entering. Daichi was there, his forehead lowered onto the back of Suga's hand as he holds onto it. Daichi looks up up at him tiredly yet his eyes were curious. "Tetsuro… is there something wrong?"
"Have you seen Kenma?" he asks, breathing heavily. Daichi frowns and shakes his head. "For once he wasn't even here when I came in. Did something happen?"
Kuroo runs his hand through his hair, his anxiousness spiking. "I hope not…" he says softly. He's feeling worse as his link to Kenma continues to send him copious amounts of negativity and his emotions were mixing with them; confusion, pain, dejection, guilt, loneliness, frustration, hopelessness. "If you ever see him, contact me okay?"
Daichi nods, giving him a sympathetic smile. They both looked terrible; hair in disarray, dark circles under their eyes and the shared expression of two people who have been worrying endlessly about their partners day and night. Kuroo spares a glance at Suga who is looking far better than them for someone in a coma for quite some time, the light from the windows highlighting his face and his grey hair aglow in his peaceful sleep while they looked like utter shit.
"Do you hate him?" he asks; his voice low.
Daichi's eyes turn sad for a moment, shaking his head and watches Suga once more. "More of frustrated with than hate…but not anymore. There's no need to start pointing fingers. You should tell him that if ever he needs to know."
Kuroo hums in agreement as he accepts the answer, taking one last look at them both before leaving in haste.
Sometimes I envy you, Samuwara Daichi… just a little bit.
He decides to try their room out of gut instinct instead of diving back into the storm in their heads. But the closer he gets to their shared quarters the stronger he feels that he was being sucked in a whirlpool, his skin crawling like he was constantly being drenched by buckets of ice. A shaking hand grips the doorknob and slowly opens it to reveal the dark room, the drapes blocking out the light from outside.
He could feel Kenma's aura in the room but he didn't bother turning on the lights in case he might scare him, closing the door and leaving him to feel his way around the dark. He finds the sniveling young man in the corner near the couch, curled up tightly into a ball. He gets down on all fours, padding quietly towards him only to stop a few feet away, resting on the soles of his feet.
"Kenma?"
His head snapped up, eyes wide as a cat seeing an incoming car at night, eyes transfixed on him as if he were the headlights. He let out a frustrated noise, distressed that he caught him looking like a complete wreck. Kuroo feels another wave hit him through the Ghost Drift, flinching slightly. Even he is starting to feel worse and he can't help him if he let himself get carried away. He had to brave through the storm to get to the eye where Kenma was.
He inches closer, observing Kenma's instant reaction of pulling his body even closer, soft whimpering sounds coming out of his lips. It was a battle of will, surging through the crashing waves of Kenma's pent up emotions. All this time it had nowhere to go except to continuously wreak havoc within the walls he made to shield Kuroo and the rest of his friends from what he was feeling; getting caught in it and with no one to help him to calm it down. It wasn't long until the walls broke and his spirit collapsed with it.
A warm hand touches Kenma's chilled skin, forcing him look up again to meet him. Kuroo's eyes held so much sadness, and he could see that tinge of betrayal in them for not speaking up. But more than that he could see unbridled worry and fear; making more tears spill from Kenma's eyes. He bit his lip harshly, irritating the healing bruise. He had no more energy to even consider yelling, to push his arm away or throw him a warning look to not come any closer. He was tired yet the tears won't stop.
Kuroo crawls quietly into the corner and slowly eases him onto his lap, cradling the broken man in his arms. He kisses his head gently, caressing his hair and holding his hand while Kenma squirmed around, trying to get away. Eventually he just gave in and openly cries on his chest.
"I-I can't take it anymore, Kuroo…" he rasps, voice cracking. "I don't get it. It's obviously my fault. Why isn't he yelling at me… why isn't he angry?! "
He pulls him closer, tucking his head near his chin so they speak in hushed tones. "Hey… it's no one's fault, okay? Daichi knows that much… and Suga wouldn't dare blame anyone, especially his friends. You did the best you could…"
He did the best he could? HAH.
Kenma's eyes glare at him, golden eyes losing its light fast. "Then whose fault is it then?! The Kaiju?!" he spat.
Kuroo stares back with as much intensity without malice, not like how his partner was hissing at him. "Who else would it be but the Kaiju? They force their way here, unwelcomed and hated, destroying everything in their wake. You've been fighting all this time, Kenma, alongside your friends… and that's what you're supposed to be thinking and not anything bad about yourself. What happened was an accident, an unforeseen circumstance. You can't blame yourself and you shouldn't."
A pitiful whine came as a reply, turning away from him as another sob escapes him. "But Kuroo… S-Suga's…h-he's-!"
"Suga will be fine…" he tells him firmly, lifting his chin gently so that Kenma faces him again, tears streaming down the other's cheeks still. "He'll wake up… it may not be tomorrow or next week but he will. Believe in him and forgive yourself… it's the only way to feel better…"
Kenma closes his eyes, sniveling and gritting his teeth. "I-I can't…"
"Hey…" Kuroo whispers, caressing his cheek. "Hey, look at me. Kenma, look…" Gold eyes hesitantly look at him and followed his words, watching him. "I'm with you, okay? Always."
Kenma regards him with slight skepticism and he'd be lying if he wasn't hurt by that but he pushed the thought away. "If you can't forgive yourself on your own then let me help you… we're partners right? Akaashi would serve my ass in a platter if I don't… and I'd rather feed myself to the kaiju than see you living this way…"
Kenma manages an exasperated huff, hitting his arm. "D-Don't make jokes like that, stupid…." He mutters, burying his face on his chest.
Kuroo chuckles and kisses his head again. "It's true though. But I won't know if you don't let me in to find out what's been going on in your head no matter how bad you're feeling… so can we go back to how things were?"
The body against his own curls up closer to him but Kenma's head nodded slowly. Kuroo grins and nuzzles his hair, letting their minds drift. It wasn't as cold as before but the chill was still there, making Kuroo shudder slightly. They wade through the flood of despair together, slow but steady. The winds slowly died down and the water seems to recede, making it far easier for more positive emotions return. The doubt was still there as the dark clouds lingers, but they can work on that later.
Kenma shivers in his hold, feeling exhausted more than ever. He stopped crying, quietly watching Kuroo play with his fingers. His body grew warmer at his gentle touches, accepting the warmth that his partner sends his way. He feels strangely at peace, the storm finally passing and he was left devastated in the inside; alive but needing time to heal.
I'll be there to pull you back up, Kuroo silently tells him, molding his body against his so Kenma would feel protected in his arms, his warmth lulling him to sleep and not letting anything else enter their fragile little world.