Author's note: My most sincere apologies in advance for this. It began as a facebook conversation, and evolved from there. I did my best to prevent it from escaping, but despite my best efforts it broke free and is now here, in all its unfortunate, rough, unedited glory. I hope it doesn't offend anyone, and I swear by my... erm, existence... that things I write subsequently will be far better than this, and certainly more serious. At any rate, here it is: an utterly absurd and rather random parody of all four Twilight books, mercifully only two pages or WORD long. I leave you to read at you own risk, and hope that its silliness amuses rather than outrages.

=( closetCullen

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ACT I: HIGHLIGHT

TEACHER: Mr. Cullen, where is your homework?

EDWARD: (Twirls highlighter in fingers.) A dog ate it.

TEACHER: Oh, please. You can't expect me to believe that.

EDWARD: No, really, a dog did eat it. But I must take full responsibility for my lab partner. I'm the one who ate her.

TEACHER: You… WHAT?

EDWARD: (Calmly) I ate my lab partner. By accident, of course.

TEACHER: You… you…

EDWARD: She was good, though.

(TEACHER frantically calls police.) I… I need to report an incident of cannibalism!

EDWARD: Cannibalism? No, no, no. I'm not a cannibal, I'm a VAMPIRE. Get it right, please.

(As a result of this indecent exposure, the CULLEN family is forced to relocate to the town of KNIVES. And because BELLA was dead, everyone lived happily ever after, except for the vampires, who couldn't because they were already dead. So they just "existed" happily ever after. Except for EDWARD, as will be seen.)

(End of ACT I)

ACT II: NO MOON

(In mourning for Bella, Jacob Black becomes a werewolf and howls at the moon, causing it to fall out of the sky. Edward comes to LA PUSH to find out what all the trouble is about.)

EDWARD: What is that awful noise?

JACOB: (Phases to human form) Grrr! I'm a werewolf and I hate you! (JACOB proceeds to phase back to wolf form, takes EDWARD by surprise, and LA PUSHes him off a cliff. Five minutes later, EDWARD reappears at the top of the cliff, looking puzzled.)

EDWARD: (Calmly) What was that for?

JACOB: (Phases to human form again) Come on, dude, I was trying to kill you! Would you please cooperate and die? I mean, work with me here, people!

EDWARD: Sorry. As much as I'd love to, I can't die. I can, however climb, which is why I am now on top of the cliff and not at the bottom anymore.

JACOB: Wait, what?

EDWARD: No, wait, that was lame and retarded. Never mind then. Actually, I even have no idea what I just said. Sayonara! (EDWARD exits.)

(End of ACT II)

ACT III: ELLIPSIS

…

(End of ACT III)

ACT IV: BREAKING DOWN

(JACOB is a wolf and is howling again. EDWARD appears, holding his immortal hands over his immortal ears.)

EDWARD: Will someone PLEASE shut that infernal wolf up!

ALICE: Why don't you just kill him? I mean, vampires and werewolves ARE like, mortal enemies.

EDWARD: But that would make me a KILLER! I DON'T WANNA BE A KILLER! (Panics) Wait! Oh, no! I already am! (Breaks down screaming and crying and kicking and pounding on the grass)

ALICE: Whatever. I'm going shopping. (ALICE exits).

JACOB: (Phases to human form) I'm with her dude. Meaning, outta here. 'Cause you're really weird.

EDWARD: Drat, what's that one quote again? 'Friends, Romans, countrymen – lend me your ears?' No, that's not quite the one… although, actually, that sounds kind of good right now. Well, not the ears themselves, really just the blood you get from taking them off… I'm thirsty. I think I'll go hunting. Except I haven't got my gun… wait! I don't need no stinkin' GUN! YAY!!! (Runs into tree; tree falls over) I am insane with anger! Or with SOMETHING, anyway! (Exits skipping off through the woods.)

(So, it appears EDWARD lives happily ever after after all. It's just that his "happy" is… well… different…)

(Well, enough of that foolishness. End of ACT IV, and not a moment too soon!)

FINI