Title: Operation Hydra vs. Giant Squid

Summary: Rumple and Regina team up... to get revenge on Hook in badly written POV-swapping satirical fashion. This is SF with gratuitous Hook bashing. Complete anti-CS. I repeat anit-CS! If you are perusing this for the Captain Hook character tag because you want Emma to have 10,000 of his babies, do not read this story! Seriously, though, its meant to be stupid satirical commentary on the childish stupidity of shipping wars (the wars, not the people or their ships involved!).

Disclaimer: I don't own OUAT. If I did, Emma Swan would not have body-swapped with Sookie Stackhouse and the show's timeline would not be complete batshit. Also, I do not own the Gorton's Fisherman, but I do occasionally purchases his fish sticks.

Author's Note: OMG, I finally wrote another story! WTF? How did this happen!? Okay, this is just really really really embarrassingly bad. There is no way this will EVER happen on the show. Consider it a crack fic to vent my frustration with the love triangle and Emma's apparent brain damage since getting hit on the head and almost drowning. So, if you like Hook and CaptainSwan... why are you even reading this author's note? Turn back now! And if you are an SF shipper who is faint of heart and takes every smidgen of anit-CS as self-defeatist spite that will cause the CSers to rain down nuclear bombs of hatred... well, you are totally going to miss the point, so hit that "back" arrow now.

Warning: This story contains references to a certain pirate's genitals, the penetration of a certain savior's genitals, mild Charmings bashing, magical animal abuse, as well as Henry at his most whiny and pouty. May cause you to want to stop reading, but please don't. I beg you! The CS ship goes down in flames, Henry is just a convenient plot device, and Belle has a cameo!

REALLY IMPORTANT WARNING: This story has gotten several anonymous reviews, all of them angry or disappointed. As such you SHOULD NOT:

1) Read this story if you accidentally stumbled into the parody section and are looking for a serious deconstruction of the Emma/Neal/Hook love triangle fiasco.

2) Suffer from sarcasm blindness.

3) Do not understand that a crack fic is supposed to be Mystery Science Theater 3000 levels of bad writing and yet entertaining in its stupidity.

4) Are an anti-shipper, a CS shipper, or an SF shipper who thinks that the we live in a peaceful cyber society in which no characters ever get horribly maimed for spite or bad humor and will be utterly horrified and disgusted by Family Guy levels of character demoralization.

5) Think any one story has any great impact on the overall shipping war that has stupidly arisen in this fandom and feel compelled to accuse anyone who steps over that line of shenanigans.

6) Think that if you leave an anonymous guest review I won't post it on tumblr and respond with additional sarcasm. I expect all guest reviews to at least have alias typed in the box. Otherwise I will give you a name myself, such as Hugh Jass or Ahmed Adoodie.

7) You are a CS shipper with a creepy fetish for trawling SF and anti-CS stories to impersonate SF fans to send hate to SF authors in the hopes that you will crush their spirit and make them go away. I fart in your general direction.

Chapter 1

Henry Finds Out

Dinner in the Charming household was usually a somewhat awkward affair. After all, when your parents are the same age as you and actively trying to replace you with another kid and you've only known your moody eleven year old son for half a year with a good part of that time spent either battling his adoptive mother or other magical monsters and now also have to share him with your estranged ex-boyfriend who has the emotional maturity of an eleven year old and let you rot in jail for eleven months... well, it wasn't exactly an evening at the Waltons.

"So... did you have fun with your dad today?" Emma asked as Henry moved a pile of mashed potatoes back to the other side of his plate.

Henry's noncommittal reply was a shrug and mumbled, "I guess."

"Kid," Emma sighed, "what's going on? You've hardly touched your food."

"Not hungry," Henry grumbled, staring down at his plate.

Looking over at her parents finishing up their own meals, Emma received no help. A bewildered shrug from David and a 'he's your son, you handle it' look from Mary Margaret.

"Henry," Emma tried again, "you know what ever's bothering you, you can tell me. If something happened today-"

"I'm not feeling well," her son stated abruptly and set down his fork. "Can I be excused?"

Emma blinked, uncertain. "Oh, well, okay. Do you want some hot cocoa or-"

"No." Henry stood up to leave then paused before he grumbled angrily, "But you could stop sticking your tongue down Hook's throat!"

Both Mary Margaret and David dropped their own forks... and then immediately picked up their plates and made themselves scarce before Emma could even give them a 'traitors' look. She winced as she followed Henry into the living room.

"Kid-"

"Is he your boyfriend?" Henry demanded as he turned back to face her, teary-eyed.

Emma winced. Wasn't that the sixty-four million dollar question? She'd been asking herself that for weeks now while trying to fight the physical attraction between them, but every time she tried to stick to her guns she ended up sticking... well, now was not the time to let her thoughts go there.

"I don't know, Kid. It's... complicated."

"But you like him."

"He's... he's trying to change. He helped get you home, Henry."

"So did Neal."

Emma sighed and tried to remind herself that Henry was a kid who had a perfect fairy tale view of the world. Ever since the return from Neverland, he'd been throwing those not so subtle hints her way that with Tamara out of the picture they could be one big happy family.

"I know you want me and your dad to get back together, Henry," she began, "but-"

"It's complicated?" Henry returned, his tone dripping in sarcasm that would have made Neal's father proud. "No it isn't!" he snapped, angrily. "Dad loves you. You love him. You promised that you wouldn't lie!"

"I didn't lie. I do love Neal, but... sometimes love isn't enough, Henry," Emma tried to explain, aware that she could never really explain properly, in a way Henry would understand. "He hurt me, he left me in jail. And I know he didn't do it on purpose, but it still happened, and sometimes starting over means letting go. Sometimes it's just... too late."

Henry looked at her with those eyes so like his father's. "And of all the guys you could 'start over' with, you picked Captain Hook?"

"I know he's not perfect, but he's trying, Henry. He... cares about me. And about you."

"Only to hurt my dad!" Henry snapped. "Why can't you see that?"

"Henry, that's not true," Emma patiently argued. "Hook helped save you, when he didn't have to. And he could have kept it a secret when Pan told him that Neal was in Neverland, but he didn't. He's not trying to hurt anyone."

"So, it's just you then," Henry bitterly accused. "I was wrong. You're not just like Regina, you're worse. At least she doesn't pretend anymore that she's being a good person when ripping out people's hearts!"

With that, he fled the kitchen and the apartment, leaving Emma at a loss of what to do. The loud thud of the door was still echoing through the loft as her mother returned, expression pensive.

"So... you're dating Hook now," remarked Mary Margaret coolly. "I thought you said that Henry was the only love you had room for in your life."

Emma glowered, hating it when the woman threw her words back at her in that condescending way. "I never said this was about love. And you don't get to lecture me Miss I-slept-with-Frankenstein and consider you a daughter-in-name-only!"

That shut Mary Margaret up long enough for Emma to get up and retrieve her jacket and her car keys.

As the door shut again, Mary Margaret let out a deep sigh and David came to stand beside her, grimacing.

"So...," he said, "that went well."

"I know," Mary Margaret sighed. "Why are we the only functional couple in this entire town?"

"Well, some people say being disgustingly happily married is boring."

"As if!" Mary Margaret scoffed, opening up the cedar chest to sort through all of their kinky sex toys that she hid under her macramé supplies. "Now put on that ball gag, Mister. Mistress Snow wants another baby!"