It has been ages Fanfiction and this is also my first story for Invader Zim. I hope I actually do a good job. Now a few important notes before this first chapter. This is not a direct crossover to the show. While, yes, this first episode is pretty close, Gazlene (later called Gaz, don't worry) is pretty much smarter than Zim was, and some changes need to happen. That means episodes like Dark Harvest, Bad Bad Rubber Piggy, or any episode where Zim had a far fetched scheme won't exist and if any episodes do share the same name, they will either be changed, or have an original twist.
Have an idea or suggestion for Gaz, then feel free to share. I could use all the suggestions and ideas I could get. I have absolutely no shame admitting that! Special thanks and kudos go to 3D Phantom for betaing.
Lust and Gluttony from Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood as well as Xenomorph and Predator may show up but no knowledge of fandoms involved are required, and it is not technically in a crossover way and they aren't fully themselves... more on that later. I do not own these things. They belong to their rightful owners and copyright. They also don't show up specifically in this chapter or episode.
Let me know how I did by leaving constructive criticism or whatever. I could always hear how I did or need to improve on.
If it was any other day but today, Conventia, the aptly named convention hall planet, would have been empty, or rather, at the very least less crowded. But, given that today marked the start of the Great Assigning, the planet was effectively overcrowded. It was, in fact, so overcrowded that Irkens unaware of where they were (or who had poor navigational skills) would find themselves plummeting to their certain doom, left for the cruel, merciless grip of space to play with like a whiny, bratty smeet.
"Welcome, brave Irken soldiers. Welcome to Conventia, the convention hall planet. Please, proceed to the docking ring and take the complimentary teleporters to the planet's surface!"
The over-the-top announcement told Irkens where they were, and provided useless exposition. Faceless nobodies crowded around and the occasional color of pupils stared ahead with the mindless, goal-focused purpose of finding the stage.
The messages were theoretically useless, seeing as Irkens prided themselves on knowing where to go, and the only purpose the big flashy lights served was to reflect the leaders: The Almighty Tallest; the head-figures that all Irkens strived to be like.
Lights flashed and soundless chatter accompanied the trek to the stage. Soundless, so that the hopeful Elite could hear how proud their leaders were (if they were "tall," that is: Height played a factor on most privileges; the taller they were, the better their station) of them and, depending on test results and height, a planet would be assigned for them to conquer.
After around five minutes of synchronized marching the Irken hoard finally arrived at their destination and proceeded to dramatically cease all movement, standing perfectly still at attention. None of them looked for a space to sit, seeing as it would be useless anyway. There were never any chairs outside of the training facilities for smeets, and even then chairs were of limited supply and only allowed in certain areas: Chairs were said to lessen the Irken resolve and make them weak. A weak Irken was a dead Irken to the masses, and a dead Irken was useless in the grand design of conquering the universe, thus chairs were neither a necessity nor a granted luxury to the average Irken. The more rebellious amongst the empire's lower classes referred to this displeasure as "a small inconvenience," and never were they willing to call it anything more. Everyone was forced to stand without complaint, or else risk the displeasure of getting their PAK wiped for disobedience.
A lone Irken female stood next to a rather plump-looking soldier. Her eyes were glued to the screen and a soft drink of indeterminate origin was carried in her PAK. Her purple irises were focused adamantly on her gaming console; the Game Slave Advance! It was the pride of the gaming culture on Irk, capable of hacking into computer mainframes and building structures, and many smeets that somehow got their antennas on the cutting edge advancement of gaming technology used its hacking capabilities to an undesirable extent. Teaching drones complained to parental units so much that smeets were told not to hack unless during designated times; if they disobeyed, they risked being charged with defection. There was a time and a place for leisure, and it often had its purpose during important strategy sessions or battle simulations, but using the technology out of place could result in disastrous effects for the young smeets.
But this female Irken was no longer a smeet. She was roughly 5 feet tall, Taller than the standard height of the average Irken, but not tall enough to be considered a Tallest or future Tallest. Her antennae were bent forward, toward the direction of the stage, as if on watch for details while her primary focus was on whatever she was currently playing. If anyone outside of the Tallest were to disrupt her or shatter her intense focus as she absorbed the game, they would be on a one-way trip into a nightmare realm from which there was no returning.
A small necklace of the Irken Symbol contorted into a skull hung around her neck in a grotesque but ultimately cool way. It was rumored by the paranoid delusionists that this necklace was capable of killing those that irked her, but no one could be reached for comment on that matter, and she was perfectly content on letting rumor and rampant paranoia run their course. It benefited her in the long run.
She had been here roughly three hours earlier than the others to get a good position closer to the stage.
"Why do we have to stand? I swear, we should at least be able to sit. It would be easier to cheer from a sitting position. This sucks!"
"Whiner."
"Who said that? I will make you rue the day you messed with Tim! Mighty Irken Invader Tim shall be feared, for there is nothing scarier than an Irken named Tim!"
"Will you shut up? You're messing up my game, and you sound like such a whiner. Standing builds character, which you sorely lack!"
A gasp and an intake of air were Tim's response to the gaming Irken in front of him. She went back to playing her game.
"Gazlene, I didn't see you there. Sorry for bothering you. Tim shall be quiet now for he knows when he is an annoyance. Of course..." Tim continued to speak.
Gazlene growled in annoyance and a spiderleg shot out of her PAK, grabbing him and lifting his short self off of the ground. Lavender irises glared at him. Tim felt fear grip him in his Squeedlyspooch, making his vision darken dangerously. Though, in his limited frame of thought, this could have just been because he was being strangled.
"Your voice is annoying! Fix it!" Gazlene threatened, quietly glaring in hellish fury at the unfortunate Tim.
Tim pantomimed zipping something and pleaded for his inferior life, hoping that the scary female before him would be gone from his life.
Before Gazlene could ultimately throttle him for senseless whining, a loud announcement came on from somewhere.
"Now, wiggle your antennae in salute, because here they are! Your all-knowing, all-powerful leaders, the Almighty Tallest!"
It was this fortunate interruption that perhaps saved Tim's life: Or, rather, Gazlene grew bored of strangling the useless waste of space and potential that was wrapped into the enigma known as Tim... Gazlene glared passionately at Tim before ultimately dropping him harmlessly back onto the ground. Well, harmlessly wasn't entirely accurate; it was more like "roughly throwing him needlessly violently to the ground". In Gazlene's mind, the short Irken needed to build up a tolerance to pain; he was far too much of a whiner… Gazlene looked up at the stage, where the show was just beginning to unfold.
A disc-shaped platform lowered slowly and dramatically revealed mist; fog blew from invisible machines for a nice dramatic effect. Erratic lasers were dancing wildly in the air like rabid fanboys at a convention. Red held out his clawed fingers in greeting while purple stood off to the side, munching happily on donuts.
"Welcome, mighty Irken soldiers! You are gathered here today to be judged harshly and critically. Everything you do, every twitch and spasm, will be judged, and your pitiful existence will be shaped and molded into something that hopefully will somewhat resemble an Invader! Every test you've ever taken and all of the choices you have made have been leading up to this moment!"
Red concluded his inspirational speech by holding his hands up in triumph, as if he was congratulating himself for his speech instead of exciting dozens of mindless drones on the verge of conquest.
"So. give yourselves a celebratory waggle of antennae and I am going to stick this delicious donut into my mouth," Purple finally spoke up before proceeding to do just as he'd promised, stuffing not one, but several donuts into his mouth until he was on the verge of choking. Red glared at him for contributing pointlessly and stealing his spotlight, even if only for a moment.
Exuberant cheers exploded violently in the vicinity, and because they were all in one area with little echo suppression technology, several unlucky Irkens broke off their mindless cheer to scream in pain as their antennae burst, sending them crashing to the floor. Luckily, their PAKs could shock them back into consciousness...
Purple continued speaking now that he was on what he considered to be "a role."
"Yes, but before we get to the main event, which you are no doubt ecstatic for, I think it'd be right to remind those that are watching from home what exactly we are going to do here today."
Red glared harder; his cohort was always stealing his spotlight and derailing his plans! "What are you talking about? This isn't being televised!"
Purple shoved another donut into his mouth and sipped on a soda, as if that was a comfort from miscommunication. "It isn't? I thought it was. Huh, I guess I was wrong. Holy Irk, these donuts are good! Where did we get these again?"
"That's not important! Anyway, as my co-council said, we are here to determine where all of you are going to go. You will step up when we read your name randomly, and will wait patiently as we determine your worth. Based on that, we will assign you a wondrous, oblivious, doomed planet for you to enslave by using your no-doubt basic training. After that, we can only hope that you don't become an embarrassment to us all."
"That sounds intense! Also off script. You're supposed to read from the teleprompter! You always do this," Purple scolded.
"Again, there is no teleprompter. What is wrong with you today? Is something in those donuts? Do I have to pay a visit to wherever it is you bought them from and demand that they stop putting those so-called 'vision enhancement substances' in them... again...?"
This back and forth, no doubt amusing banter was grating and annoying to Gazlene, but she ignored it for increased focus on her game. After some more pointless exposition and bad jokes (mainly on Purple's part) the Tallest were ready to begin the next phase of the Great Assigning.
"Invader Larb, step on down! You have been chosen to be judged! How exciting!"
Invader Larb ran forward to await his fate. The anticipation was strong with this one! Soon he was in front of the Tallest and they glanced down disinterestedly.
"Congratulations Invader Larb, you have been selected for the Planet Blorch: Home of the Slaughtering Rat People. These charming individuals are known to rip the flesh off unsuspecting prey and feed off whatever is inside until nothing is left!"
The newly promoted Invader Larb stood with a horrified expression on his face. His eyes were wide and he looked as if he was going to bolt. Loyalty to the mission and the chance to prove himself were the only reasons he managed to quench his desire to flee.
"...Is what we would have said, had you not grown taller in the last ten seconds," Tallest Purple said, startling Invader Larb and leading him to stare up with wide eyes, once again feeling his excitement return and hope re-fill him. "Since you have grown taller, instead..." Purple gestured proudly to a random location on the giant map behind them, "you will be traveling to Planet Vort: Home of the World's Comfiest Couch. Careful, though, this couch has been known to be so unbelievably comfortable that it has melted the will of any who sat on it, making them unwilling to move. It doesn't even have a drink holder!"
A gasp shattered the silence and Purple nodded importantly. "I know, how absolutely horrible! But you can't change your mind; Invaders such as yourselves have the eternal eye of the Massive and us, your loving leaders, the Tallest, to watch and judge you harshly for this mission. Now move on and go away!"
Red took over for Purple, who decided that he would much rather chew another donut than continue with calling out victims-eh… new recruits... for planetary invasion.
"Invader Skoodge, you have been selected as an Invader, so hurry up and get down here!" Red paused and waited as Skoodge trudged slowly to the stage. "Now this is just sad. You made no progress on height and are just as short as ever! You will be assigned to Planet Blorch: Home of the Slaughtering Rat People."
"Do we really have to add the 'Slaughtering Rat People' bit every time we speak of Planet Blorch?" Purple interrupted rudely. "It seems kind of long-winded and wordy."
Red thought about it, decided, and then answered, "Yes we do; how else will Irken conquerors take this seriously? Blorch doesn't sound all that threatening under normal circumstances." Turning back to Skoodge, he said, "You go wait over there, and try not to stupefy the other Invaders with your incompetence!"
Skoodge wilted dejectedly as he stared up at the Tallest in shame, no doubt wishing he was a few feet taller.
"Okay, this recently graduated Invader is next. She has risen, figuratively and literally, through the ranks. She has also recently fought the dreaded Trials of Doom on Hobo 13 and passed!"
A sharp intake of breath cut around the gathered Irkens. How could anyone pass the Trials of Hobo 13? The Trials of Hobo 13 were increasingly brutal, unforgiving, and relentless. To think that one of their own would pass, and apparently so easily, was almost impossible.
"Hobo 13 is of course not normally a test we give out normally, but it was requested of us, and so we allowed her to partake in the trials. She even managed to get her assigned team through with only a few minor injuries, mostly on her part."
The whispers increased in volume. It was rare for an Irken to succeed in the trials with their team intact: Hence why not a lot of Irkens passed.
"Invader Gazlene, step on down." Purple had barely gotten his words out and had blinked once before the Irken was standing in front of them, her video game nowhere to be seen as she sneered at him.
A hushed silence spread throughout the room, a quietness so vast and so violent that several Irkens temporarily went deaf...
Red took over for his stunned cohort. "Yes, it is very awe-inspiring how this simple Irken could rise up in the ranks so quickly and effectively. Just look at her, all tall and... stuff... That is, I mean to say that she is, I believe, a bright beacon of hope to us all. You should all try to be more like her!"
Gazlene allowed a small smirk, and then went back to her sneer. Purple's eyes were wide in suppressed horror, donut froze in midair, never to be shoved into his face.
"Unfortunately, we don't have a proper planet for you to doom. But, in our sweep, a planet showed up on our scanners."
Gazlene sighed irritably. "What is it? How far is it?" Her limited patience was running out, and unfortunately for Red, it wasn't directed fully at him.
"Nobody knows." He turned around, looking at the map behind him. A small sticky note with a simple sketch of a planet with a question mark upon it was stuck to the very farthest reaches of the vast map before them. Red walked over and pointed to the little sticky note. "It is so mysterious, it doesn't even show up on our scanners of basic planet names! All we know for sure is that it is there, we believe there is life on it, and we know nothing else! Is that... acceptable...?"
For a long time, (seemingly several hours, but in reality only two minutes at best) Gazlene glared at the floor as if it had personally wronged her somehow. Bits of the paint warped and twisted as if it was being scorched alive, which was impossible, seeing as it was a floor and thus could feel no pain...
Finally, she spoke. "Fine, but there better be a planet there!" Purple shivered at the implied threat, donut still hovering in the air near his mouth hole. It hadn't moved, and therefore, it wasn't going to move anytime soon.
"We're sure there is, we just don't know its named: Not that it matters! With your luck, it will probably be a breeze conquering it!"
This time, Gazlene did smirk fully at Red's compliment. She had been complimented by her Tallest. She felt honored and, knew then and there that no matter what she wouldn't fail. Whatever that planet was, it was doomed.