Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 7
EPISODE 24
Airdate: April 8, 2019
"The Ringer"
Special Guest Stars: Cam "Buzz" Brainard as Voiceover Guy, Matt Vasgersian as Himself, Félix Hernández as Himself
#TYH722
SCENE 1
The Newman Condominium
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
One morning, Buster is watching TV when Sparky walks into the condo.
SPARKY: Hey Buster. Know what day it is?
BUSTER: Jackie Robinson Day?
SPARKY: No, it's Carpool Day, but now that you remind me, tryouts for Little League are this week. We're going to kill it this year.
BUSTER: Little League tryouts? You mean, we're auditioning to play for a baseball team comprised of us and other kids?
SPARKY: Yeah, thank you for telling me exactly what it is we've been doing for years now.
BUSTER: Well, I think I might skip this season. I don't feel comfortable.
SPARKY: Is this about the older kids again? Look, buddy, just because they're taller than you, doesn't mean they're trying to hurt you. Everybody grows at their own pace.
BUSTER: No, not that! I got over that last season. It's just that our Little League team sucks.
SPARKY: Hey, we don't suck! We might have our problems, but we don't suck.
BUSTER: No, I'm being 100% serious when I say this. Our Little League team is awful. They were making fun of us in the papers last year. We couldn't be the best team if all the other teams had their players replaced by babies.
SPARKY: Wow. I didn't know you felt that way.
BUSTER: Yeah, well, that's just the way things go. Who needs sports anyway? We can just watch TV like normal kids.
SPARKY: No. I'm not settling for that. Baseball comes and goes. Just because we finished in last place a year ago, doesn't mean the same thing will happen this year.
BUSTER: I know what you're saying. So, next-to-last place?
SPARKY: No. I'm saying we could be in first place this year. We could go all the way to the state championship game. Hell, we might even be good enough for the Little League World Series.
Beat. Buster tries to hold in a laugh, but fails, which causes Sparky to laugh as well.
SPARKY: Okay, I think I got a little ahead of myself there.
BUSTER: Yeah, because I was even looking at you like, "Whoa." Okay, maybe I'll show up, but I'm just there to watch. I'm not even going to be tempted to try out this year.
SCENE 2
Rock Creek Athletic Park
Seattle, Washington
A few days later, the boys are at tryouts. Buster is standing in line behind Sparky for batting practice.
BUSTER: Okay, maybe I'll stand in line and run the bases a few times, but I'm not joining the team. They might even have to beg me after I'm done.
SPARKY: Dude, you're already here.
BUSTER: I know, I have a sickness!
COACH PERETTI: Alright, Sparky MacDougal, you're up.
BUSTER: Go get 'em, Sparky!
Sparky picks up the aluminum bat and gets fed baseballs from an automatic pitching machine. Of the seven balls he gets, he hits six of them.
COACH PERETTI: Nice swinging, MacDougal. Buster Newman, you're up next!
BUSTER: Why does he have to say our names like that? We've been on this team before. And why do we have to try out every year anyway? They think we're on steroids? I'm not Roger Clemens.
SPARKY: Are you just stalling so you don't have to hit?
BUSTER: I was hoping you would catch on.
COACH PERETTI: Come on, Newman, let's go!
BUSTER: Alright. Let me just get ready.
Buster mimics picking up a bat and prepares his stance in the style of Ichiro Suzuki.
SPARKY: What are you doing?
BUSTER: Practicing my stance. If I do it like Ichiro, it will make it look like I'm the best player on the team.
SCENE 3
Rock Creek Athletic Park
Seattle, Washington
Later on during tryouts, the boys are practicing a groundball situation. Sparky throws a pitch, and one boy hits it to the shortstop, who throws the ball high towards first base and it lands far past Buster's glove.
BUSTER: Come on, he was staring right at me when he did that!
SPARKY: Coach Peretti, that's the third time in a row that Jack's missed Buster. Can I step in?
COACH PERETTI: I don't know, MacDougal. You might not be shortstop material.
SPARKY: I played that position last season.
COACH PERETTI: Are you sure?
SPARKY: YES!
COACH PERETTI: Alright. Jack, get on the mound. MacDougal wants shortstop.
Jack and Sparky switch positions. Jack pitches to the boy at the plate and he again grounds it to short, where Sparky unleashes a Derek Jeter-style throw towards Buster, who catches the ball perfectly.
COACH PERETTI: Well, I'll be damned. MacDougal, it looks like you have what it takes to be shortstop after all.
Sparky sighs and buries his face in his glove.
SCENE 4
Rock Creek Athletic Park
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
Sparky and Buster leave the baseball field at the end of tryouts day. Sparky looks disappointed.
SPARKY: That was a nightmare. I think babies actually could play better baseball than us.
BUSTER: It's not so bad. You're shortstop and I'm first baseman again. That's how God wanted it.
SPARKY: Yeah, but I'm starting to think you were right. You see how uncoordinated some of these guys were? I can't finish in last place again.
BUSTER: So, what can we do? Get a player that's far more talented than the team deserves? Because we don't know anybody like that.
SPARKY: Hang on a minute. We do know somebody like that. When RK played for us, the Honey Badgers were actually a good team. And we could be that good one more time.
BUSTER: I don't think he'll go for it.
SPARKY: I bet he will. He has to know how important this is.
SCENE 5
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky and Buster have decided to confront RK about rejoining the Honey Badgers.
RK: I'm not interested.
BUSTER: I saw that coming. Good night, bud.
SPARKY: Hang on a minute, Buster. RK, be reasonable here. This is our chance to finally win the state championship. A lot's riding on this.
RK: Like what?
SPARKY: I don't know. Our pride?
RK: That all sounds great, Sparko, but I made a promise to myself that I would never play Little League baseball again. What kind of guy would I be if I came out of retirement?
BUSTER: You wouldn't be any more pathetic than Shawn Michaels.
SPARKY: Oh, great, you're talking about retirement again. RK, it was months ago. Move on.
RK: Move on? Of course, you want me to move on. You weren't at home plate that day. You didn't let everybody down when you proved that you were a choke artist. I remember it vividly. It was a cool, rainy day in Seattle. The air was electric, and the atmosphere was intense.
SPARKY: Dude, we've heard this story fifty times. We were in the dugout when it happened.
RK: I'm setting the tone! Anyway, there I was at home plate.
The camera dissolves into a flashback of RK playing Little League baseball a long time ago. He is shown stealing bases, chasing down fly balls in home run territory, and making perfect contact with his bat whenever at home plate. At one point, RK hits a home run, which ends up being the walkoff home run, and he flips his bat in the air. He then claps his hands as he rounds the bases, and as the Honey Badgers wait for him at home plate, he tosses his helmet to the ground, performs a weird dance, and jumps into the circle formed by the players for a group celebration.
RK (V.O.): I was at the height of my abilities. I was the man whenever I was playing. It didn't matter what I did, I was unstoppable. I could run, hit, steal, rob, slide, catch, and jump. It was the first time I ever felt like I was made of armor, or something else indestructible. The only problem was that I was starting to expose myself.
RK is then shown striking out during the playoffs, grounding into double plays, having the ball just miss his glove in crucial fly ball situations, and getting caught stealing.
RK (V.O.): I was becoming a joke. I was the man during the regular season, but I was colder than Chicago in January once the postseason rolled around. I don't know what was happening to me, but we were still able to reach the state championship. I knew that if I did what I had to do during the game, I would redeem myself and win back the respect of my peers.
RK is then shown stepping up to the batter's box in the bottom of the sixth inning. The scoreboard shows the Honey Badgers trailing the Knights by a single run.
RK (V.O.): I just needed a home run or a chance to get on base. I was feeling it. It was my day, my moment. And I missed the first pitch. I fouled one off. I fouled another one off. Then when I was trying to get my head into it, I got caught looking. The Knights won the championship, and I was a disgrace to my community.
RK looks depressed as he walks back to the dugout and the Knights celebrate on the pitcher's mound. Dissolve to the present day, where RK is still telling the story with his back turned to Sparky and Buster.
RK: That was the moment I realized that I got lucky. Little League was going to pass me by eventually, and my fifteen minutes of fame were over. That's when I decided to hang it up and retire from the game.
BUSTER: Is there a reason you're not looking at us?
RK: It helps keep you on your toes.
SPARKY: Look, RK, I know that was an embarrassing moment for you, but we don't hold that against you. Buster and I weren't even that good back then, you had to carry the team yourself.
RK turns to face the guys again.
RK: None of this makes me feel any better.
SPARKY: I'm saying you burned out quickly because of all the extra work. But this time, you won't have to worry. With Buster and me doing what we have to do, the Honey Badgers will be unstoppable.
RK: I wish I could believe that, but I can't.
SPARKY: Believe this. Buster and I can give pointers to the other players. You can just focus on one part of the game so you don't get overwhelmed. RK, if you help me and Buster, our team will have a three-headed monster. Nobody will be able to touch us.
RK: You sure about that?
BUSTER: Yes, he's sure. He just said it.
SPARKY: RK, it's times like these that a person has to define their legacy. This is your chance to make a comeback. Do the impossible. Rewrite history, man. You know you want to.
RK: Rewrite history, huh?
("The Fighter" by Gym Class Heroes featuring Ryan Tedder plays in the background)
The episode dissolves into a fantasy sequence where RK imagines himself as the center of several historical moments in baseball. These moments involve Bobby Thomson's walkoff home run in the last game of a three-game playoff that sent the New York Giants to the 1951 World Series, Joe Carter's walkoff home run in Game 6 of the 1993 World Series, "The Flip" from the 2001 American League Division Series, Barry Bonds' record-breaking 756th career home run in August 2007, and the Chicago Cubs breaking their 108-year championship drought by beating the Cleveland Indians in the 2016 World Series. The sequence then dissolves into the MLB logo, but with RK's silhouette as the player inside the logo.
VOICEOVER GUY: This commercial is presented without the express written consent of Major League Baseball. It also helps keep my career alive after blowing all those Disney checks.
Dissolve into the present day. Sparky and Buster are visibly confused.
BUSTER: So, is he joining the team?
SPARKY: I don't know. With RK, it's hard to tell.
RK: Yes, I'm joining the damn team!
SCENE 6
Rock Creek Athletic Park
Seattle, Washington
The next day, Sparky, Buster, and RK arrive to the baseball field. RK is wearing an official Honey Badgers T-shirt.
SPARKY: Well, here we are. I'm surprised you never threw out that shirt, RK.
RK: It still fits, what can I say? So, what did Coach Peretti say when you told him I was making a comeback?
SPARKY: He didn't say anything. He doesn't remember you at all.
RK: Sparky, please, I go way back with Coach Peretti. What happened was in the past, he shouldn't hold a grudge against me.
SPARKY: No, I'm serious. When I told him you were our ringer, his exact words were, "Who the hell is RK Jennings?" And then he just started rambling about how he should get paid more.
BUSTER: He has a point. Name one baseball coach that's actually earned more money than they deserve.
RK: I can't believe this. This is even better for me. Now, I can completely reinvent myself. It's like a fresh start.
SPARKY: The baseball gods blessed you on this day, my friend.
COACH PERETTI: Hey MacDougal, Newman, is this your friend you were telling me about yesterday?
SPARKY: Indeed, Coach Peretti. Meet RK Jennings. This kid is our secret weapon to take us to the state championship.
COACH PERETTI: Well, I'm just hoping for a winning season this year. What's your skills, Jennings?
RK: Eh, I can pretty much do it all, Peretti. I can knock a couple dingers, rob a few hot ones at the warning track, dance with second base more times than Dee Gordon. And between you and me, my knuckleball is a silent killer.
COACH PERETTI: What the hell are you talking about, Jennings?
RK: I'm good at everything!
COACH PERETTI: Well, I need to verify that. If you want a spot in the lineup, you have to prove you're Honey Badger material.
RK: I think the standings the last couple years prove that anyone is Honey Badger material. Give me a bat.
RK gets a bat from Buster and he steps up to the batter's box while Coach Peretti gets the automatic pitching machine started.
BUSTER: Sparky, I'm a little worried. RK hasn't played Little League in a long time, what if he's rusty? Skills don't last forever.
The machine begins feeding RK balls and he hits every single one out of the park. With each ball, RK becomes angrier and more passionate.
COACH PERETTI: That was incredible.
BUSTER: We're in the presence of a modern-day legend.
RK: Coach, I'm gonna be honest with you, I think I found my role on this team already. In fact, I'm campaigning right now to be your designated hitter.
COACH PERETTI: Well, Jennings, it's important to know what you want, but I can't just let you be David Ortiz. The same way my ex-wife didn't just let me get to third base until we were married, if you catch my drift.
RK: It's frightening me that I know what you're getting at.
COACH PERETTI: Bottom line, I have to see every aspect of your game so I know where to place you. You can't just advertise the cow and not show me where the milk comes from.
RK: I really hope that wasn't dirty. I'm still trying to process the last thing you said.
SCENE 7
Rock Creek Athletic Park
Seattle, Washington
RK is later shown in the outfield catching fly balls and tossing them back to the infield.
RK: And another lazy fly ball out to right. It might have some mustard on it, but Jennings makes the catch! Ballgame over!
Cut to Buster at third base and Sparky at shortstop.
BUSTER: I still can't believe RK is just as good as he used to be. He must be taking that adrenaline stuff the real players use.
SPARKY: I think it's motivation. He wanted a second chance and he's taking advantage of it.
Beat.
SPARKY: Wait, why are you here? I thought you played first base.
BUSTER: Coach Peretti is considering Kevin for that position too.
SPARKY: Oh, really?
BUSTER: Yeah, if I get replaced, I might have to hurt Kevin.
SCENE 8
Rock Creek Athletic Park
Seattle, Washington
RK is shown talking to Coach Peretti at the end of practice.
COACH PERETTI: You know what, Jennings? I think you have some real potential as the cleanup man in our lineup. In fact, I just came up with an innovative idea. You could be our designated hitter!
RK: Yeah, but wasn't that what I originally...
COACH PERETTI: Yes, sir, I thought on my feet with that one. Great job today, Jennings. If you're going to be our David Ortiz, keep your blades sharp.
RK: Will do, coach. I love you, man.
With Coach Peretti's back turned, RK rolls his eyes and shakes his head. At that point, Sparky and Buster walk up to him.
SPARKY: You ready to go, ringer?
RK: Sure. You know, I have to thank you guys. I really enjoyed the freedom and safety of being retired, but today, I remembered how much I used to love baseball.
BUSTER: No problem. Hey, maybe the three of us can go see a Mariners game sometime.
RK: I think I should clarify, I remember how much I used to love playing baseball. Watching the Mariners play is like watching your hopes and dreams systematically smashed into pieces over the course of six months.
SCENE 9
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
The next day, the kids are eating together.
SPARKY: So, you think you guys can come see us on opening night?
JAYLYNN: Of course, we wouldn't miss it for the world. Wait, what's your team called again? Honeysuckle?
SPARKY: The Honey Badgers.
RK: Jaylynn, no disrespect, but maybe you should sit on the bench for this one. You might be a bad luck charm.
JAYLYNN: I'm not a bad luck charm!
RK: You couldn't even remember what our team was called. I don't like the precedent this sets.
SPARKY: Anyway, guys, we would love it if you could make it to the game.
WADE: Sure. I'm happy for you, RK. You finally realized that you shouldn't let your past mistakes define you.
RK: Yeah, and what's even better is that Coach Peretti is so dumb, he doesn't even remember I used to play for him. It's like I have a new identity and no one on the team can see through it.
BUSTER: But we can. We're the ones who made you come back, we remember everything you did in the past.
RK: Buster, this is the happiest I've been in a long time. I don't want there to be an accident that causes one of us to miss the game.
BUSTER: But I was just saying...
RK barks at Buster.
BUSTER: I was just...
RK barks again, which causes Buster to throw up his hands and give up. Beat.
JAYLYNN: Hey, if you choke again, do I have your permission to record it?
RK gets up, presumably to go after Jaylynn, but Sparky and Buster pull him back down.
SCENE 10
Rock Creek Athletic Park
Seattle, Washington
RK is at the plate for his first at-bat on opening night. One Honey Badger is already on base with two outs. Wade, Jaylynn, Anna, Adriana, and KG are in attendance.
ANNOUNCER: And stepping up to the plate right now is the big man, Mr. Cleanup, Ryan Kennedy Jennings. In Ryan's spare time, he loves to watch TV, hang out with his friends, and come up with crazy schemes he refers to as "RK Jennings signature moments."
RK: Hmmm. That didn't sound as good as I thought it would. Oh, well.
ANNOUNCER: And Jennings has his eyes locked on Germain as he gets the pitch.
RK goes for a hard swing, but he misses.
ANNOUNCER: And that was a heater that went right past Jennings. Strike one.
Cut to Sparky and Buster in the dugout.
SPARKY: Oh, man, I forgot. That was always RK's weakness. His swing is so aggressive, he'll go after anything.
BUSTER: Well, I guess there's no shame in finishing next to last place. It's not much, but it's still an improvement.
ANNOUNCER: And Germain has his stance prepared. The 0-1 pitch.
RK gets the second pitch and makes contact this time as the ball goes long.
ANNOUNCER: And Jennings rips this one into deep right field. Back it goes at the warning track and this ball is OUTTA HERE! First home run of the season by RK Jennings gives these Honey Badgers a 2-0 lead in the first inning.
The crowd cheers wildly for RK's two-run home run, and the Honey Badgers go crazy in the dugout. When RK reaches home plate, he performs a quick prayer and points both of his index fingers to the sky before returning to the dugout to get mobbed by the other kids.
SCENE 11
Rock Creek Athletic Park
Seattle, Washington
RK is at first base later on in the game.
ANNOUNCER: And now, Riley waits for the pitch.
RK sees the pitch and begins heading for second base.
ANNOUNCER: And it's a strike, but Jennings is already on the move.
The catcher tosses it to the shortstop, but RK slides in before the tag is made.
ANNOUNCER: And Jennings is safe at second base! What a play! He stole that base like Winona Ryder stole from Beverly Hills department stores. And I'm going to have to talk to my writer about these dated pop culture references.
SCENE 12
Rock Creek Athletic Park
Seattle, Washington
(The instrumental to "Takin' Care of Business" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive plays over the loudspeakers, to celebrate the Honey Badgers' win)
The crowd begins filing out as the boys are greeted by the others.
KG: Man, that was a baseball game. If I was still in Little League, I would have retired after seeing that.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, congratulations, guys. Hey, maybe this season, the Honey Badgers can actually win the championship.
BUSTER: Don't tease me, Jaylynn, I can't take it!
SPARKY: Yeah, it was only opening night. Last season, we won our first two games.
ADRIANA: So, why didn't you keep winning?
SPARKY: I don't know, Adriana. It will always be a mystery to me as to why that happened.
WADE: Does anyone want any hot dogs?
BUSTER: That depends. Are you buying?
WADE: Do you expect me to buy?
BUSTER: Do you?
Beat.
SPARKY: Let's go get some hot dogs, come on. KG, you buy.
KG: Yeah, sure, make the older brother empty out his pockets.
RK tries leaving, but Anna pulls him aside.
ANNA: Hey, kid, do you mind if I could get your autograph?
RK: I don't know. Could I get yours for being pretty?
ANNA: You're so stupid.
RK signs the napkin that Anna gives him.
RK: I dunno, I just wanna impress you and junk.
ANNA: Seriously, well done. You remind me of me when I first started playing baseball.
RK: You were playing like this when you started?
ANNA: Well, I don't mean to brag, but, uh...
Anna cackles.
RK: See, this is kinda the reason we don't play sports together.
ANNA: Ah, whatever. Anyway. I'm so happy you're out there having fun. You think your team could win some games this year?
RK: Why not? The possibilities are endless.
SCENE 13
("Let's Go" by The Scissors plays in the background)
A montage shows the Honey Badgers as they go from a perennial losing team to title contenders with RK having rejoined. During batting practice, RK helps some of the other boys with their swing, which allows them to make contact more often and create more baserunners. Sparky and Buster do the same as Sparky helps out with pitching and Buster tries to boost morale in the team clubhouse. As time goes on, the Honey Badgers remain at or near the top of the standings. Attendance at Rock Creek Athletic Park increases as more people come to see the games, and RK continues performing well as the designated hitter. This hot streak carries over to the postseason as RK starts handling the pressure of high-stakes playoff games. At the end of one postseason game, RK hits a double into right field. Another boy steps up to the plate and with the Honey Badgers' season on the line, he hits a walkoff two-run home run and sends the team to the state semifinals.
SCENE 14
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
One day, KG is watching TV when RK walks in whistling "Centerfield" by John Fogerty.
KG: Hey bro, how's it going with the Little League?
RK: Fantastic. The Honey Badgers are running through these losers like an alcoholic runs through beer cans on Super Bowl Sunday. I might have picked up way too many lines from our announcer.
KG: Well, with that being said, why don't you come over here? I want to give you some very important advice.
RK: KG, I know what you're going to say, and no, I don't chew tobacco before I play. I chew Starburst, it helps with my concentration.
KG: No, not that. I was on the Starburst routine years before you were. I just wanted to say that since your team has been winning games and you're like a local celebrity now, it's vital that you keep things in perspective.
RK: Gotcha. Okay, bye.
KG: Stay. I'm just getting warmed up. The first thing you need to remember is stay on your grind and stay humble. Nobody likes a superstar.
RK: But doesn't my talent make me a superstar?
KG: In performance, not in attitude. Also, stay away from those fast, flashy girls. They only want one thing, which is your money. You need a girl that's going to hold you down and humble you.
RK: I already have a girlfriend!
KG: Does she hold you down?
RK: Yes!
KG: Great. And last but not least, this is probably the most important thing I'm going to share with you. Make a mental note. You have the pen and pad in your brain ready?
RK: Yes. I'm shaking just thinking about it.
KG: Never, ever take steroids.
Beat.
RK: You do realize I'm ten, right?
KG: Dude, in Hollywood, kids start drinking when they're six. You think you won't get tempted, but then some cool guy comes along in his leather jacket and says, "This is natural, man. You put it in your bloodstream, man, you'll be like, legendary, bro." Pretty soon, you'll be like Barry Bonds and people won't even want to sell you a sandwich.
RK: Alright, great talk, KG. I'll be in my room.
RK slowly walks away and runs upstairs as fast as he can.
KG: I love passing on my knowledge.
SCENE 15
McDonald's All-American Playground
Spokane, Washington
In the bottom of the sixth of the state semifinals, the Honey Badgers are one out away from the state championship game.
ANNOUNCER: And with one out to go, the Honey Badgers are within spitting distance of advancing to just their second state championship game.
RK bites his fingers in the dugout as he watches the game. Sparky and Buster smile at each other from afar as Coach Peretti signals the infield to move outward.
ANNOUNCER: The pitch from Parker.
The other team's hitter grounds to short, where Sparky picks it up and performs another Derek Jeter-esque move to Buster, who catches it to clinch the championship berth.
ANNOUNCER: And that does it! The Honey Badgers are going back to the state championship! One of the most improved seasons in the history of Washington Little League baseball only needs a trophy to top it off!
The team gathers on the mound to mob each other as they celebrate their big win. RK runs onto the field holding up a towel that says "We're Back, Suckers" and runs around the circle flashing it for crowd members.
SCENE 16
McDonald's All-American Playground
Spokane, Washington
("Congratulations (Erol Alkan Remix)" by MGMT plays in the background)
Back in the Honey Badgers' clubhouse, the team is continuing their celebration by spraying ginger ale everywhere while they wear goggles to prevent the soda from getting in their eyes. Cut to RK talking to Sparky and Buster on a bench.
RK: Hey, if we win the state championship, can we get our rings made by Tiffany's? I'm not trying to be too flashy, but I'll get as many diamonds as I can put in that thing.
SPARKY: We're a Little League team. We don't get championship rings.
RK: Well, can I at least pretend that we do?
At that point, a woman with a microphone and a cameraman approach the boys.
RACHEL: Hi, I'm Rachel Plunkett with Root Sports Northwest. I'm here to interview designated hitter RK Jennings, who has helped propel the Honey Badgers to their second appearance in the state championship game. RK, how have you been able to contribute to this team's miracle season?
Beat.
RK: So, just to be clear, we're on TV right now?
RACHEL: Yes, we are.
RK: Okay, well, I think I've just had a really good game this season. You know, I've stayed hot, kept my blades sharp, and I've tried to contribute any way I can. But this team wouldn't be the team it is now without my buddies. This is Sparky MacDougal, shortstop. And Buster Newman over here, the first baseman. Together, all three of us have been putting this team on the map.
SPARKY: Yeah, it's true. We've been at it all season and...you know, doing our thing. Nothing much to say, you know what I mean?
BUSTER: If Wade and Jaylynn are watching, we did it! One more game, this championship is ours!
RACHEL: Well, that's fantastic. It's official, the Honey Badgers and the Flying Squirrels in the Washington State Little League Championship Game. Two weeks from today in Seattle.
Rachel leaves with the cameraman.
SPARKY: RK, you didn't have to do that. The piece was about you.
RK: Hey, if it wasn't for you guys, I wouldn't have a piece. All three of us have been killing shit this season so when we win, it's going to be our title.
BUSTER: Oh no, the team's cracking open more soda bottles. Put your goggles back on, guys.
The boys put their goggles back on and run around the locker room as they get sprayed with more ginger ale by their teammates.
SCENE 17
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
RK is walking out of Ike's one day when he sees a limousine. He nods and then continues walking, but the limo begins to follow him as he walks. He stops, looks at the limo, shrugs, and keeps walking. However, the limo continues following him. He begins to have a look of concern on his face and stops walking. A window is rolled down to reveal a middle-aged Italian man with a suit and a gold Rolex on.
RK: Could I help you, sir?
FRANKIE: Yeah, you could do more than help me, kid. Why don't you hop in my ride and I'll explain it to ya?
RK: How stupid do you think I am? Stranger danger is no less important than it was thirty years ago, bub.
FRANKIE: Alright, you're not getting it. Boys, take care of this.
RK: Oh, don't get your boys to take care...
At that point, Frankie's business associates get out of the limo, grab RK and begin carrying him to the limo.
RK: Hey, let me go, you jackasses! I'M BEING ABDUCTED, BRING THE COPS OUT HERE!
Frankie's associates toss RK into the limousine, where he is sitting across from Frankie drinking a glass of champagne from a bottle in an ice bucket.
FRANKIE: So, you're Mr. RK Jennings, aren't you?
RK: No, I'm not. I'm, I'm...the White Mamba.
FRANKIE: Don't play dumb with me. Yeah, I've been watching you play. You're the toast of the town. You're like a regular Joe DiMaggio, aren't you? With your hits and your stealing the bases and your...and your moxie.
RK: My moxie? What the hell's my moxie?
FRANKIE: Don't analyze my speech. Listen, the state championship game is coming up and your Honey Badgers are a little too hot for my liking.
RK: Who are you guys anyway? Bookies, the mob?
FRANKIE: The mafia. We specialize in gambling on every sporting event in the city, and that includes Little League baseball.
RK: I didn't think it was possible to give off a molester vibe in less than two minutes.
FRANKIE: Look, we've been making a lot of bets for the Flying Squirrels to win, and we've been watching that team for years. My own son just joined this season, and it's his dream to become a state champion.
RK: It's my dream too!
FRANKIE: Not anymore. Here's what you do, you take a dive in two weeks time. Play the worst game you could ever imagine playing. The odds are against my son's team but if you get cold, your little Honey Badgers get cold, and that ensures the Flying Squirrels are the next state champions.
RK: That's not happening. I've been busting my ass all season and I'm not about to risk it all for some Soprano rejects.
FRANKIE: Then, if you don't take my advice, I lose money. My boys lose money, which means you're gonna see me again. And when you do see me again, it will be the last time you ever see me. Now, get out of my car.
RK: But you're the one who forced me in here.
FRANKIE: GET OUT OF MY F***ING CAR!
RK gets out of the car and the limousine drives away. Beat.
RK: What did he mean with the whole seeing him thing?
SCENE 18
The Jennings Household
Interior RK's Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
At night, RK is sleeping. The camera cuts to a close up of him twitching in bed, then dissolves into a dream sequence. RK is imagining himself at the batter's box in the state championship game. The Flying Squirrels have an 8-6 lead in the bottom of the sixth, and only need one more out to win the title.
ANNOUNCER: And RK Jennings steps up to the plate. The last chance for the Honey Badgers, but let me tell you, this has not been RK's game. It's almost like he doesn't want to play today.
RK prepares his swing, but he sees the mafia watching him in the stands holding their guns. He gulps in fear as he misses the first pitch.
UMPIRE: Strike one!
ANNOUNCER: And the capacity crowd here at T-Mobile Park is watching a star player crumble under the white hot spotlight. And here's the next pitch.
RK is noticeably late on his swing and ends up falling to the ground.
UMPIRE: Strike two!
Cut to Sparky and Buster, who are both currently on base.
SPARKY: Come on, RK, you can do it!
BUSTER: Yeah, don't blow this for us! It's the state championship!
SPARKY: Buster, that's not encouraging.
BUSTER: It's tough love. It helps him on a psychological level.
RK gives the mafia the middle finger, which enrages Frankie. He waits intently for the next pitch, and makes contact, but it ends up being a groundball to short, and Buster gets thrown out at second base to end the game and the Honey Badgers' season.
ANNOUNCER: And the Flying Squirrels are the champions of Little League baseball! And this crowd hates RK from the way they're tossing their refreshments at him!
The crowd at T-Mobile Park begins throwing peanuts, popcorn, and soda at RK, which causes him to fall face first onto home plate. Matt Vasgersian quickly arrives onto the scene with a microphone.
MATT VASGERSIAN: I'm Matt Vasgersian here for the MLB Network. RK, you had an incredible season and here in the state championship game, with everything on the line, you choked. How does it feel knowing you chose to go out playing like a bitch?
RK: You think I chose to go out playing like this?! The mafia wanted me dead! THE FIX WAS IN, MATT!
MATT VASGERSIAN: Whoa, easy there, cha-cha. Don't try to make excuses for letting your team down.
RK then takes a look at the entire stadium booing him and the Honey Badgers with their backs turned from him as they stand in the dugout. Cut to RK gasping as he wakes up from the nightmare.
RK: That was horrible! Why would Matt Vasgersian come to report on a Little League game?
SCENE 19
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The next day, RK is talking to Sparky and Buster.
SPARKY: Wait, so you're telling me that the mafia threatened you to throw the state championship game?
RK: Yes! It was crazy!
SPARKY: Are you sure you're not just making this up because you have the jitters?
BUSTER: Yeah, RK, this sounds like one of those virgin legends you love to tell.
RK: It's true. They pulled up on me and they told me that the Flying Squirrels need to win or I would have to see them again.
BUSTER: I bet they're not even that tough. You should just ignore them and play the game.
RK: I can't! Baseball and the mafia go together like peanut butter and jelly! Haven't you ever heard of the Black Sox? If they didn't throw the World Series, the bookies were going to cut off their pinkies and toss them off a tree!
SPARKY: No, I don't...think that's what happened, but RK, if you're telling the truth, then you need protection. We're not playing the state championship game without you.
RK: That's great, Sparko, but the mafia means business. If we win, they might end up killing me or you guys or Wade or Jaylynn...
SPARKY: RK...
RK: Or KG or Anna...
SPARKY: RK...
RK: Oh, those mozzarella-eating motherf***ers better not lay a hand on Anna!
SPARKY: RK! You don't have to worry. The mafia's not going to be able to touch you.
RK: How do you figure?
SPARKY: Because they don't live with an alarm clock that has drug dealing thugs on his payroll.
Beat.
RK: Do they speak I-talian?
SCENE 20
The MacDougal Household
Interior Attic
Seattle, Washington
That same night, Sparky is talking to Bitch Clock in his booze cave.
SPARKY: So RK would really appreciate it if you and your goons could keep the mafia away from our game.
BITCH CLOCK: I don't know, man. The only thing RK's ever done for me is bring me five seconds closer to death.
SPARKY: Dude, him and Wade already apologized. You need to get over it.
BITCH CLOCK: I can't! I still get nightmares! If they weren't your friends, I would have already had them taken care of.
SPARKY: And then I would have had your internal organs exposed.
BITCH CLOCK: I said, if they weren't your friends. I'm not evil.
SPARKY: Look, my team's worked hard all season to get to the state championship. We didn't come this far just to have it end like this.
BITCH CLOCK: Alright, Sparky. I'll get the boys to take the mafia out. Wait, we're killing them all, right?
SPARKY: No, you're just standing guard!
BITCH CLOCK: Okay, well, the thing is, my guys specialize in murder. And if we waste them, they won't have anything to do with the game. It's a victimless crime.
SPARKY: No, it's not! You're killing people!
BITCH CLOCK: If we kill all of them, no one will know a thing. Who's going to investigate? Their families? Because they can die too.
Cut to a freeze frame of a bored Sparky.
SCENE 21
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
On the day of the state championship game, Sparky is packing his duffel bag full of baseball gear when Buster walks in with RK, who is wearing a trenchcoat, a fedora, and sunglasses. RK scratches his neck and keeps looking around the room.
SPARKY: Hey, you guys are here early.
BUSTER: Yeah, RK wanted to be one step ahead of the mafia.
RK: They don't need to know my exact travel plans!
SPARKY: RK, this attitude is bad for your nerves. You have to calm down. Wait, why are you wearing all that stuff?
RK: I just like to look stylish before game time.
Sparky opens up RK's trenchcoat to reveal a bulletproof vest.
SPARKY: Dude, you're wearing a bulletproof vest?!
RK: If Frankie and his goons aim for the chest, I won't have anything to worry about.
SPARKY: Look, RK, I know you're scared. But this is your moment. You can't let the mafia get inside your head. Just know that Buster and I would never let anything bad happen to you, okay?
RK: Alright, Sparky. But just for my peace of mind, are you wired?
SPARKY: No.
RK: Are you just saying that so I don't think you're wired?
SCENE 22
T-Mobile Park
Exterior Parking Lot
Seattle, Washington
Sparky's car pulls up to the stadium parking lot. The lot is packed with other cars.
BUSTER: I didn't think it would happen again, but here we are. Back at Safeco.
SPARKY: Didn't they change the name months ago?
BUSTER: I don't care what phone company stole the name. It's Safeco until I die.
RK: You know what, guys? I think I'm okay now. The adrenaline's taking over.
BUSTER: Yes! I knew it all season!
RK: Hey Sparky, are you sure Bitch Clock's drug dealers know how to deal with the mafia? These crime families disappear and come back stronger every ten years.
SPARKY: All Bitch Clock told me was that I won't even know what the mafia is after he's done.
SCENE 23
Oryon's
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
Frankie and his associates are currently finishing up lunch.
FRANKIE: So, is everybody done? We need to get to the game.
SHANE: Just a minute, boss.
Shane turns his head and sees Bitch Clock and his drug dealing associates staring a hole through him from across the restaurant.
SHANE: Eh, Frankie?
FRANKIE: Shane, I already told you that your mother is a beautiful lady. You don't have to keep asking me.
SHANE: No, not that. I don't think we're alone.
FRANKIE: What are you talking about?
SHANE: Look over there.
Frankie takes a look and sees Bitch Clock's crew staring him down.
FRANKIE: Guys, I don't think we're making that game on time.
SCENE 24
T-Mobile Park
Seattle, Washington
PA ANNOUNCER: And now, introducing your designated home team for the 2019 Washington State Little League Baseball Championship Game, hailing from Seattle, THE HONEY BADGERS!
The Honey Badgers run onto the first base line and begin greeting the cheering crowd by tipping their caps. Cut to Sparky, Buster, and RK standing next to each other.
SPARKY: Hey, who's that in the booth?!
BUSTER: I'm pretty sure it's the guy calling the game on the radio. Not everybody can afford local TV.
SPARKY: No, the guy next to him!
Buster looks into the booth and sees famous MLB pitcher Félix Hernández putting on his commentary headset.
BUSTER: Holy shit, that's Félix Hernández! Félix Hernández is calling our little old baseball game?
RK: Oh no, King Félix is here?! He's not Matt Vasgersian, but he's pretty damn close!
Beat.
SPARKY: I'm sorry, what?
Cut to the radio announcer and Félix Hernández in the booth.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: It is my pleasure and honor to be joined in the KIRO booth by Seattle Mariners ace, Cy Young Award winner, and closet Little League fanatic, the incomparable Félix Hernández!
FÉLIX HERNÁNDEZ: Well, I'm not a closet fanatic anymore, thanks to you.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: It's for the best if you don't tell me things in confidence. So, King Félix, are you ready to see some baseball?
FÉLIX HERNÁNDEZ: Yeah, I think both teams are very talented, I think they're highly motivated, and if we're lucky...
RADIO ANNOUNCER: Alright, I believe it's about time for the performance of the national anthem.
FÉLIX HERNÁNDEZ: Dude, you just cut me off. What's the matter with you?
RADIO ANNOUNCER: Beautiful skies here at T-Mobile Park for this state championship game!
SCENE 25
("Into the Sun" by The Parlor Mob plays in the background)
A montage is shown of the state championship game. Interspersed are clips of the mafia brawling with Bitch Clock's crew after both sides agree to throw the guns away in front of Oryon's. In the first inning, Sparky hits a ground rule double, Buster gets hit by a pitch and advances to first base automatically, and RK hits a three-run home run that gives the Honey Badgers a 3-0 lead. As the game goes on, however, it becomes a pitcher's duel as neither side is able to get on base. That changes during the fourth inning when the Flying Squirrels hit four home runs in a row, causing them to take the lead and a change in pitching. The brawl between the mafia and the drug dealers spills onto the streets of Seattle and causes a disruption in traffic. In the fifth inning, RK hits a ball into left field which one of the Flying Squirrels dives for, but he is unable to and RK ends up being pulled by the adrenaline to go for home plate. It leads to a close call at home plate where it looks like RK was thrown out, but instant replay shows that he beat the tag and scored an inside-the-park home run, tying the game. Meanwhile, the radio announcer begins tickling Félix Hernández, which causes him to knock the announcer out and leave the booth. Félix returns to kick the already incapacitated announcer in the ribs.
The Honey Badgers follow it up by getting three consecutive singles. With the bases loaded, a potential home run ball ends up bouncing off the fence in right field, but two players come home and the Honey Badgers take a 6-4 lead. The inning ends shortly after, but the top of the sixth starts with the Honey Badgers three outs away from winning their first ever state championship.
SCENE 26
T-Mobile Park
Seattle, Washington
With the top of the sixth already in progress, the stadium crowd is in a frenzy and begins stomping and clapping. Cut to Wade, Jaylynn, Adriana, and Anna in the stands.
WADE: I can't believe this. We're really about to see the guys win the Little League title.
JAYLYNN: Wait, but if they win, don't they make it to regionals? They're not done yet.
WADE: Yeah, but this is something they couldn't even do last season. They were never supposed to make it this far.
JAYLYNN: But in the grand scheme of things, would this game end up being meaningless?
ANNA: Shut up, Jaylynn. They're about to win.
ADRIANA: Yeah, Jaylynn, shut up.
JAYLYNN: No, both of you shut up! How dare you talk to me like that, you don't even know me.
WADE: Jaylynn...
JAYLYNN: No, Wade, I'm from Portland. They don't even know.
Cut to the Honey Badgers' closer delivering a strike. The team has one out and there are two Flying Squirrels on base. Meanwhile, RK and some of the bench players are busy filling up a tank with Capri Sun Roaring Waters.
RK: Paul, don't you think we should have done this with Gatorade?
PAUL: What's done is done.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: And the 0-1 pitch is on the way.
The Badgers closer delivers the pitch, and it ends up being grounded to Sparky.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: Manetti to MacDougal, MacDougal to second and the throw to Newman! 6-4-3 double play ENDS IT! THE BADGERS WIN THE PENNANT! THE BADGERS WIN THE PENNANT! SEATTLE'S DONE IT!
("The Fighter" plays in the background again)
RK and the bench players shower Coach Peretti with the tank of Capri Sun and join the huge mob on the mound to celebrate the championship. Scenes are shown of the Honey Badgers taking their official picture with the trophy, ginger ale being sprayed all over the stadium by the kids, and RK pretending that he is smoking from a "cigar" made out of Fruit Gushers. The montage ends with another picture of the Honey Badgers holding up a large banner that says: "HONEY BADGERS - 2019 WASHINGTON STATE LITTLE LEAGUE CHAMPIONS." Cut to black.
("Hit the Ground Running" by Desi Valentine plays in the background)
POST-CREDITS GAG
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Some time later, Sparky is feeding an injured Bitch Clock some soup.
SPARKY: Yeah, that's it. Enjoy the noodles.
BITCH CLOCK: Ugh, I shouldn't have listened to those mafia punks when they said no guns. You know how many rings I got hit with?
SPARKY: Whatever the case, at least you were able to fight them off.
RK walks into the house at that point.
RK: Hey Bitch Clock, you resting up okay?
BITCH CLOCK: Well, let's see. My shoulder is broken, my leg needs to be bandaged up for a few more weeks, and I can't sell my product for a little bit, so it's just a vacation in Cabo right now.
RK: Okay, man. Look, I just wanted to thank you for helping take down the mafia and saving the state championship. So, I would like to personally give you the official champion's key chain.
Bitch Clock takes a look at the key chain, which depicts a honey badger clutching the state championship trophy.
BITCH CLOCK: You...you kidding me? I put my ass on the line for you and all you could get me was a key chain?! A damn key chain?!
RK: Well, I couldn't give you the cool stuff. And I'm not old enough to buy beer, so...you enjoy that.
RK makes his way towards the front door and leaves the house as Bitch Clock becomes enraged.
BITCH CLOCK: I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU AND YOUR CAT! Hey, come back here, you white, tubby bastard, I'm going to show you what real appreciation looks like!
SPARKY: Bitch Clock, Bitch Clock, it's over. He's already gone.
BITCH CLOCK: I don't think it's too late for you to get new friends.
Cut to black.
©2019 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS