Saving Lily…

Harry Potter

A/N: This chapter takes place about week after the murders at the Potters. And just a warning this story will be AU.

Chapter 1: Prologue

Severus Snape's POV.

I stand in my house on Spinner's End, feeling the tremendous anguish within my chest. My heart is being swallowed up by the molding abyss that is becoming my soul. My hands tremble; as I look around the empty comatose existence that has become my house and my life. My vision distorts and I feel the warm liquid slither down the soft tissues of my cheeks. My entire body slowly becomes over taken by the sobs of my all-consuming reality that will forever haunt me for the rest of my life. My best friend is gone… my love is dead…and I am the one who killed her.

Do I have the right to feel the way I do? Do I have the right to miss her this much? I had once been her best friend; until I betrayed her during our fifth year, and we haven't spoken since. I am also by all rights her murderer...I told him of her whereabouts.

The tears run down my long-hooked nose; and I know I have no right to cry but...I can't stop myself. The salty drops drip onto the floor as it rushes to meet me. My knees hit hard as my body shivers. I bring a quivering hand to my face and I cry hopelessly into my palm. I do not deserve to live...I should be dead. So why? Why am I the one left alive? He said she had called out for me...she was screaming my name. Had she known that I was the one who betrayed her for a second time?

I notice myself curling in to a submissive position on the floor. I have no right to live...I have taken her life...so is it not only fair that in penitence for what I have done; that I should take my own life in omissions for hers? I lift my head from the palm of my hand and the tears continue to tumble downward. I look toward the kitchen. I know exactly how to end my life...I will use the Killing Curse. The same curse that he used, to end the life of the only person who ever truly cared for me. I slowly attempt to climb to my feet. My legs give out from my quaking and I find myself on the floor again. I suck in a few ragged breaths in a pathetic attempt to calm my nerves so that I can stand. Once I succeed in standing, I brace myself against the wall for support; as I allow the wall to guide me to the kitchen. There it is. I can see it now...my wand. There on the table.

I finally reach the doorway to the kitchen and rest a moment on the pane. I feel as though I can collapse at any moment. I slowly reach for my wand and brace myself on the table. My trembling fingers wrap themselves around my wand like they have done a thousand times before. This will be the last time. With the last bit of strength, that I can muster, I push myself off the table. I force myself back up onto the door pane as the tears continue to dampen my flesh. My body is once again feeling the plague of terrible cries of agony.

"Lily," my voice is shivering and quiet, "Lily, please... forgive me...forgive me, Lily. I love you."

With that I turn my wand on myself...

However, before I can utter a syllable of the curse that could have ended; my painful and now pointless life, there is a knock at my door. I honestly have no intention of answering. I slowly part my lips to speak the words that will end my agonizing life, but the knock comes again. A voice calls out to me, "Severus."

I sigh deeply. There is no way I can end my pain... not with him here. The voice belongs to none other than the Head Master of Hogwarts himself. Albus Dumbledore. I sit on the floor hoping that if I remain, silent and unmoving, he will depart. Deep down I know the chances of him leaving, before speaking to me is all but nonexistent.

"Severus," Albus calls again from behind the wooden door. "Severus, please, I need to speak with you. It's a matter of all urgency."

I hear him sigh loudly. He will begone within a few more moments, I have almost convinced myself of this, so I remain very still... "It's about Lily, Severus."

With those four words my entire body goes almost entirely numb. My tears flow with a new devastation...something within me snaps. What about Lily? Lily is dead...it is my fault! What more can be said about Lily!? I release a loud cry of pain and begin to scream the curse, "Avada..."

"Severus," Albus Dumbledore suddenly apparates before me, "Stop!"

My hands shake so violently that I drop my wand. It lands with an uncommonly loud clank onto the floor. I can do nothing, but look at it, as if it has betrayed me.

"Severus," Albus speaks gently too me as if he knew all of my pain, "You can't. That won't help."

"It will," I protest as I bring my hand to my chest and clutch at the cloth of my gray shirt, "It has too."

Dumbledore looks down at me with an expression of complete sympathy.

"Don't look at me like that!" I scream.

I can't bare it...I don't deserve sympathy from anyone. Especially, Albus Dumbledore.

"Why not, Severus?" he articulates slowly, "Are you not in pain?"

"I don't deserve it! I... I killed her...I...I..."

It is as if I can hear the echo of the last piece of my heart smashing onto the floor. My mind instantly becomes over taken by rage and madness. "You," I roar, "You were supposed to protect her! I trusted you to keep them safe!"

I jump to my feet with new found energy and propel him against the wall. My fury swells inside me from nowhere. I suddenly hate this man before me with every fiber of my being. Both sets of my fingers curl themselves around the fabric of Dumbledore's robes. "I trusted you!"

He never flinches. He only looks at me with pity on his face. "Severus", he says with all gentility in his voice, " I know you're hurting..."

"You know!?" I spit in rage, "How could you? You have no idea what this feels like!"

He only looks at me with such an expression of sorrow that I can only glare in response. I have every intention of striking him. I, however, cannot. My rage disintegrates with this man's gaze. It washes away all the rage as fast as it came. I collapse at his feet and the tears once again spill over my lashes.

"Why?" I whisper meekly, "Why? I don't have a reason to live now. Please just go and let me do what I desire."

He kneels beside me and places his hands on my shoulders, "Come with me."

I only look up at him; the tears from my soul, dripping onto my gray shirt. "Please, just go." my voice is pleading, "Leave me to my own vices...I beg you."

"Come with me, Severus," he says again as he is pulling me to my feet.

I look at him a moment before I drop my gaze to the floor. How can I make eye contact with such a man? I speak in a nearly inaudible whisper, " I have nothing left to give. I..."

"If you come with me," he says softly. I feel myself falling, but this time my knees, did not collide with the floor. Instead, I find my arm around Dumbledore's neck, and his around my waist. He is the reason...the only reason... I am still standing.

He gazes at me as I stare blurry-eyed at the floor, "I can give you a reason to live."

With that I let him lead me out of my kitchen. At that moment...my heart vanishes into the abyss of my forever blackened soul and I have finally become entirely numb.

The sight of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry stirs up feelings of resentment. It triggers the flashbacks of how my life was before graduating. Granted my life never improved as anyone could see.

"Why have you brought me here?" I question through the numbness. I am no longer in control of my body. I can see myself being guided by the headmaster around the school of witchcraft and wizardry. A place in which I had no desire to ever set foot in again. Albus continues to keep a loose but firm grip on my upper arm as he leads me down to the dungeons where the Slytherin corridors reside.

"We need a new potions master," Albus states nonchalantly, as if this will somehow make everything okay.

I look at Dumbledore as if he has lost his mind. I murdered people, why in the hell would he want me to teach these children anything. "But, Sir, I…"

"No, buts, Severus." He chides, gently, "If this doesn't help you, then after a year you can then go back to Spinner's End and I will not bother you anymore. This is going to be your new office and you will be head of Slytherin house."

I didn't try to argue with him, by this point I know that it is a futile argument that I am not going to win. Not many people no matter how great they are argued with Albus Dumbledore and won. I look around my new office and as I expected he has already collected everything, I needed from my house. My things are neatly placed around my office.

"Thanks, I guess," the bitterness in my voice is not lost on the headmaster, but he smiles at me.

"You're welcome, Severus." The cheerfulness in his voice is nauseating. Does he think he is being helpful? At this point I don't have the energy to say much else to him.

I force a final question from my lips, "Sir, what does any of this have to do with Lily?"

He looks at me for a moment as if he has forgotten that he had ever mentioned her. "I shall tell you when you are in a much fitter state to hear it, Severus. Until then get re-accustomed with the castle and the people who reside here."

With that he left me standing alone in my new office, surrounded by my things.

I found the old version of this story on my computer that had be previously posted on an old account that has been deleted (The account was called ChibiEtsu). I have been trying to get re accustomed with my writing. I began to read Harry Potter again in hopes to re-spark my enthusiasm with reading and writing…hopefully this turned out alright. Please R&R.