Once the words were out of her mouth, there was no way to take them back. Maura reflected silently, she wasn't sure she *would* take them back even if she could. She loved science, she loved her job, she loved her mother and father. She loved Jane. Jane stood there in front of her, brows lowered, dark hair spilling forward into a messy shield, protecting her heart and her head from the cruelties of the world. It'd take Maura years to figure it out, taken her years to prove her hypothesis as true or false.
"Maura, I-" Jane paused, and glanced at the shorter women, Maura was almost shocked to see tears in her eyes. Almost, but not quite- Jane was the sort for crying, but she wrapped herself up in layers of sarcasm, bravado and swagger to keep her heart from breaking. "I should probably explain to you."
Maura reached out a hand, "Jane, it's ok. I've been waiting this long- what's more time?"
But Jane wasn't having it, she was an explosive whirlwind of energy, hand running through her hair, eyes narrowing, feet moving, walking back and forth between the end of her couch and her counter top. And for Jane's long stride, that was only two steps, then heel turn, two steps and heel turn. "I just, I just-"
Maura reached out a hand, again, this time holding the taller woman still, or as still as they could manage. Maura's hazel eyes are soft, caring, full of love, "Jane, it's ok. You don't have to say it back- it doesn't mean-"
"Don't you DARE say it doesn't mean anything, Maura Isles." Jane's nearly shouting at her, but the sheer agony in her eyes is more painful to Maura, "Don't you DARE say you didn't mean it."
"No, Jane," Maura's voice is soothing, her hand still on Jane's arm. She can feel the muscles under her hand flex once, twice, "I was just going to say that it's fine if you don't feel it."
"Choice, excellent, or admirable, Maura, really?" Jane gave a slightly bitter laugh, then flexed up onto her toes and back down, and stared back down into Maura's eyes. "No, that's not it. I just- I don't feel it the same way."
"You-" Maura schooled her expression into 'Dr. Isles'; she owed Jane that much. How could she be so wrong, after years YEARS of research, of waiting, of touching and movie nights and 'turtle' 'tortoise' and eating pizza because Jane wanted her to, and Jane eating the healthy food she wanted her to and- "You don't feel the same way?"
"No." Jane's voice was quiet, and she shook her head with her words, slowly and sadly, letting her long dark hair fall forward and cover her pain, "I don't feel that way."
"Oh." Then she was wrong, Maura mused, and she's ruined her one friendship. Again reading too much into all the looks and the touches and the facial cues, and she'd have to start over again. Clearly there was some flaw in her recognition system, and she couldn't believe it was her. She couldn't believe it was her, that would be too much. "I'll just go then-"
Purse, purse, fuck, where was her purse? Her breathing was starting to catch, she needed to channel her mother, needed to channel 'Dr. Isles, Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts' needed to-
"Wait, Maur'-" This time Jane's hand, long and scar faded white in the middle, reached out, reached for her, "Wait! Maura no."
"Jane, I can't do this, not right now." She's making sure to face away, trying to keep the sound of tears out of her voice, this was Jane's choice. It wouldn't be fair to guilt her into wanting Maura to stay 'as more than friends, Jane'.
"No, I meant-" she spins Maura around, then pushes her own hair out of her face, "That's not what I meant, Maur', I'm just bad with words. I don't- they never say what I mean. You're my best friend, I love you more than anything else."
"Even more than the Red Sox?" Maura asks, one eye brow raised, still holding back tears. But if she can make Jane laugh, if she can find something to laugh about, to make jokes, to figure out where the lines are drawn and where the steps lead and where the maze ends- maybe she can hold onto this friendship.
"Yes. More than the Red Sox, the Bruins, and the Patriots." Jane shakes her head, and gives a fierce, watery-eyed grin, "Almost more than I love a good steak."
"Jane, please, just let me go." Because she's not wired for this, isn't ready for teary eyed goodbyes and emotions bombarding her from Jane and her own brain. These feelings don't fit into any slots, can't be tabulated and regurgitated into scientific facts. Even though at this point, she can cite three different studies on why Jane needs to sleep more, five on why she should go and see that therapist more than once a month- there's nothing to explain this pain that ricochets off her heart and her head and pulls her eyes closed and her lips-
"No." Jane steps closer, almost crowding Maura, her brown eyes desperate, but intense. "I don't- I don't really love anyone like that?"
Maura closes her eyes, she can barely breath with the scent of Jane in her nostrils, lavender and gunpowder, reflecting the two opposing forces in Jane's life so well. Soft and sweet, then powerful and explosive. Just like the woman herself, "I don't understand."
"Neither do I, really, Maura." Jane's hand touches her face, first the distal phalanges, then the intermediate. "I don't really ever want anything more than this. These touches. My hands on you, making you feel safe and sound and making me feel-"
She lowers her forehead to Maura's, "I don't understand it. I want to touch you, and keep you near me, and eat your food, and hold you, forever. I could give a shit whether we have sex or not, whether anyone thinks anything about our relationship, or doesn't think about it. But, I've never-"
Maura's eyes pop open, and Jane's look so sad so confused, so forlorn, as she finishes that sentence, "I've never wanted anything more than this. With Casey, he just- he was so wrapped up in his penis, in making sure he could give me children. That I could fill the place he wanted."
"And you tried to, didn't you Jane?" Maura's voice was low, and she could feel the cool of the wall behind her, and the warmth exuding off Jane's body, delicious counterpoints to the pain and ache in her body.
Jane's eyes met hers again, and a wry smile twisted across her lips, "Of course I did. It's what I do. I do the things the people I love want. And he was a hero, I just…" her voice trailed off for a second, "I got caught up in everything. I mean, I knew we used a condom and I was on the pill, but I thought I was pregnant? What the fuck was that really?"
Maura frowned, "But what do we do about us, Jane?"
Jane pulled her head off Maura's to shake it, "I don't know, Maura."
So Maura stepped up, into Jane's circle of warmth, and hugged her. Slowly, surely, Jane's arms wrapped around her. Lavender and gunpowder, she mused, for now, this would be enough. If what she suspected of Jane was true, they'd have to figure out the limits and the feelings and how to maneuver in their own relationship. And, Maura almost giggled internally, she'd have so much research to do and show Jane. Jane rested her chin on Maura's head.
"I do love you, you know?" Jane rumbled into her ear, she could hear all the different pieces of Jane that make her 'Jane' working in tandem to produce the sounds that made her heart stop breaking. "I just want to-"
Jane flinched at her own words, at her own feelings, and swallowed almost convulsively, "I'd really like to take it a lot slower. Do things like I'd like to do, when I'd like to do them. I'm really good at the physical part of the relationship, Maura, because it doesn't mean much of anything to me. It was just something they wanted to do, they said they needed, so I did.I just wanted snuggles in bed and cuddle on the couch and dinner and all the things before and after sex. I don't want to feel like that with you…"
Maura wrapped her arms tighter around the taller woman, pressed her head to Jane's sternum and listened to her heartbeat. Lavender, gunpowder and love. She could deal with taking as long as Jane needed.