Well, I guess it's obvious, but I'm not Prince Charming.
Prince Charming doesn't grab a beer from his oddly humming fridge (damn thing sounds like a plane taking off). Prince Charming isn't short and not-so-built, sitting in the worn ass-print of his favorite chair and staring out the window while the TV broadcasts white noise.
Prince Charming doesn't eat take-out every night, and he probably doesn't live with his cowardly little brother, who whines about being in his shadow when really I've never cast one big enough to encompass the smallest Toad.
And yeah, maybe I've fought a dragon dozens, hundreds of times, but Prince Charming never gets just a kiss on the cheek and a slice of cake as a reward. He damn well doesn't go on Grambi-forsaken quests just to return home and sleep alone, that's for sure.
So no, I'm not Prince Stars-Damn-Him Charming.
I kind of thought that maybe I was, once. Right there at the start, when the first name she called was mine. That huge-ass turtle with that awful maw was terrifying but I followed her across the whole world to get to him. You better believe I felt like some sort of knight in shining armor when I finished that thing off the first time; after weeks of endless deserts and forsaken tundra, after scaling cliffs and defeating endless monsters, after facing off with the fire-breathing, spike covered star-damned KING of evil, I had faced her and suddenly been uncertain. What were you supposed to say to the girl you'd gone through all manner of hell to get to?
But she had smiled then- like an angel, I'll never forget it- and called me a hero in that gentle voice. With my sweaty hand in her cool ones, she had bent to press a kiss to my singed cheek.
I won't lie. At the time, it had been the best moment of my life. I mean yeah, I wanted a little more than that, but it was enough.
... After a while, though, it wasn't.
You'd think eventually I'd give up on rescuing her. There's only so long kisses on the cheek can go on and not seem... platonic. There was always that awkward moment after I rescued her- cringe-worthy- where I'd take her back to the castle and she'd give me a smile and say "well, bye Mario! Do come by!" and then trot off to that blubberingly relieved care-taker of hers.
And I'd walk home alone feeling confused, and then after a dozen or so quests, like a chump.
We fell into some sort of routine- all of us, the whole kingdom. That ugly lizard would kidnap her (sometimes just breaking a window, sometimes taking off with the whole damn castle into SPACE), I would be called upon by the panicked and air-headed populace, and then I'd travel through eight worlds or a hundred paintings or with oh-so-loyal companions to save her. I'd collect all the stars or shine sprites or pure hearts or blue coins or what the hell ever and I'd have a final show-down of sorts that felt like an empty achievement after a while. She'd tell me I was a hero- not Prince Charming- and she'd smile that smile that turned me into goo and made me determined to do whatever it took to win her over. A friendly peck on the cheek, one enormous turtle left to lick his wounds and swear revenge, and then I'd be back to sheepishly kicking rocks as I headed home alone.
And now, well, I've finally given up. As all the adoring, brainless citizens of the kingdom gather to watch the princess's happily ever after, I turn off the TV and stare glaze-eyed out the window. I guess it hurts more than I could ever admit, but what else could I expect? The princess to end up with the plumber, some rags-to-riches tabloid for everyone to drool and coo over?
I mean, yeah, that's what I was hoping for. The engagement had come as a sickly unexpected surprise, the kind that makes you feel stupid for not seeing it coming.
But the guy she's with, well, he looks exactly as you'd expect. Blonde and blue-eyed just like her, perfect. He might as well be dipped in star-damned chrome. And on TV, she was the blushing bride today that everyone was falling over themselves to congratulate.
A shadow falls over the suburb as I'm looking out the window, finally forcing me to focus. Up above, a spike-covered pirate ship speeds towards the castle. I hear a distant gwa-ha-ha-ha!
Smiling grimly, I flick the TV back on to watch the wedding. Let Prince Charming handle this one.