This is not a copyrighted work and can be photocopied without direct permission of the author. However, the guide, Marvin the android, Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged, Vogons, and several other things in this story belong to the (widow of) Douglas Adams, and to the publisher and/or publishing company(ies)
AUTHOR'S NOTE
While I take pride in having written this, I am in no way shape or form as funny as Douglas Adams. I would like to make known to any man woman or child that reads this novel(la) that they should not judge their entire opinion of this unique five (and soon to be six) part trilogy.
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The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has this to say on the topic quarks:
"Pointless. Simply pointless."
Of course those were simpler days in which physicist worried about more important things such as the flying capacity of the average swine. It may also be important to mention that the swine from the planet that was the birth of the theory of quarks had small stubby wings that flittered pointlessly which caused the swine to confusedly try to remember when they had evolved into the odd appendages. Many biologists have hailed that these swine are incredibly intelligent due to their awareness of the evolution in which they took place. However, little did the biologists know that the swine did not, in fact, participate in this nor any other act of evolution.
So it was near this planet with too many mindlessly bothered physicists and biologists fretting over insect-winged boars that Perry Garson found himself after having slammed his fist angrily into the Infinite Improbability Drive of his starship.
Perry was short, had a mop of brown shaggy hair that looked as if it had never met a comb. Having not met a comb was in fact a shame for Perry's hair, due to the fact that the combs from the swamp planet of Gerund were known throughout the universe for their genuine loveliness. However, Perry's rather evil looking hair might have convinced them to wage war, but that is another story for another time.
Perry was short, had a mop of brown shaggy hair that looked as if it had never met a comb, and was a descendant of something assumed to be ape-like on ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha.
After having angrily slammed his fist into the infinite improbability drive he had found that not only had he become a box of assorted chocolates for forty-two minutes, but he had also lost his ship and was on some horrid planet, in a horrid galaxy, with a horrid feeling in his stomach and a horrid set of mind. In fact the only thing that could possibly be good about the whole thing was that Perry had a better understanding of the phrase, "life is like a box of chocolates."
He stood up from the rock that he had been sitting on and looked about him. He soon regretted this decision because he realized that he was in a swamp, saw something move at his feet, lost his balance and fell face-first into the boggy water and was sucked down into an abyss.
What's more is that neither the bog nor the abyss had the sense to kill him properly they wanted to go for the slow and painful approach and Perry was much more fond of quick and painless. Perry sank through the mud for a good few seconds before struggling to try to reach the surface and sit back on his rock which he now had a much larger respect for than he had while previously sitting on it and found that his struggling pulled him in faster. He stopped struggling.
Perry was, as many would, beginning to wonder why it was that he wasn't dead yet when a cold metallic hand stabbed into the mud, grasped his shoulders and ripped him quite painfully out of the bog.
"Oh bother," said the android to whom the hand belonged, "You look rather pathetic indeed."
"I'm sorry?" asked Perry.
"How did you get stuck out here?"
"I err…"
"Oh why bother? No consolation, no silver lining, just disappointments, I'm done."
"I'm… err… what?"
The android turned and slowly began to drag his metallic and depressed feet away.
"Err… Mr. robot, sir?"
The android turned and looked ruefully at Perry, "Oh, Mr. robot sir, that's rich, why don't you just call me bolt-head or scrap metal instead, I'm sure you'll find that much more pleasing."
"Who are you, that is, where did you come from?"
"I came from a dreadful factory on a distant planet that has hopefully been consumed in a supernova by now," replied the robot.
"Is there a civilization nearby?"
"Of course there is. I bet they'll pollute this filthy bog in a year or two, or drain it."
"Can you show me where?"
"I can."
Perry stared at the android expectantly for a few minutes before getting a little more than annoyed and said, "Well?"
"I said that I can show you the civilization, not that I will."
"But why not?"
"What would be the point. It'll fall in bloody death, decay, and murder soon enough."
Perry looked at the android for a little bit and then trudged back to his rock.
"Farewell then, try not to freeze to death later tonight, it gets rather chilly in these parts," said the android as he turned to leave.
"Oh go rust in a corner somewhere!"
"Ah that's rich."
And then the little robot was gone and Perry was alone in the bog again.
Perry was sitting miserably on his rock again trying his best not to fall into the marshy depths of the swamp when he had an idea. One of the pesky optimistic ideas that tend to never work but sound amazingly useful in a life or death situation. You know, the kind of idea like Hey! Aliens just declared that they want to demolish the planet, but on the bright side sheep are really adorable and their wool can smother the flaming remains of the Earth!
Perry's thought went something like this, Golly! I sure am hungry out here in the swamp, and my toes look like grubs, so maybe if I dangle them in the water a big fish'll come up and I can eat it! And Perry found that he was so fatigued that he actually thought that the previous idea was a very good one and he let his toes down into the water.
After that it wasn't long before a rather viscous looking fish resembling either a kipper or a walrus (its been said that if you get close enough to one realize exactly what it looks like you'll also be getting a wonderful view of its intestines) came about looking for a man doing the stupid sort of thing that Perry was doing at the moment. The fish bared its fangs (yes fangs) and readied itself for the attack.
The first clue Perry had that something was wrong came a split second before the pain: he noticed that his little toe was missing. Then with the pain he squinted his eyes. About a split second before the second round of pain, Perry opened his eyes to examine his stub when he noticed the second thing that was wrong. A fat walrus (or was it an obese kipper?) was contentedly gnawing on his foot.
"Stop that!" Perry told the fish indignantly.
The fish stopped gnawing, looked Perry directly in the eye and spoke in a heavy Welsh accent, "Stop what?"
"What you're doing!" announced Perry.
"What's that?"
"Eating me."
"Why?"
"Because it hurts."
"No it doesn't."
"Yes it does!"
"Oh don't be such a baby, I'm almost done!"
"No," Perry told it, "You are done."
"I'll be the judge of that."
"It's my foot and I want to keep it!"
"It's my dinner and I want to eat it!"
"Oh, now you're just being childish."
"You're talking to fishes and I'm the childish one?"
"You're the fish."
"Prove it."
"Look there," Perry pointed at the fish's back end, "you've got a fishes tail!
"
"My, well aren't you the clever one," seethed the fish, "I'll have you know mermaids have fishes tails, and they ain't fishes!"
"Of course they are!"
"Oh, so you're prejudiced now are you?"
"Prejudiced?"
"Just 'cause something's gotta fishes tail its gotta be a fish, eh?"
"Dolphins and whales are mammals. MAMMALS, I say!"
"Well…"
"I'll have nothing more to do with you!" and with that the fish opened its mouth curled its fangs up and with a distinct wheeze coughed up a bloody stubby little toe that landed in Perry's lap, "Tasted rotten anyway."
"Oh that's disgusting."
"What did you call me?"
"Oh bugger off!"
"Believe me, I will!"
"Good!"
Then there was one of those silences that seem to suck all of the life out of everything.
"I there a nearby civilization?" asked Perry.
"Where do you think I live?"
"Oh so it's a colony of fi… err… water dwelling species."
Another silence.
"Why did you have your toes in the water," asked the fish.
"What?"
"Why were your toes in the water?"
"I wanted to catch a fish."
"With your toes?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"To eat."
"Ah… What would you cook it with?"
"Nothing."
"That's not healthy."
"Well, I don't exactly have anything to cook it with at the moment."
"Why not?"
"I'm in a bloody swamp!"
"That's no excuse!" and then the fish dove back into the water and Perry didn't see him again for three to four hours when he resurfaced and said, "Look up at the sky."
Perry, having nothing better to do, looked up at the sky and saw that a planet was drifting very lazily through the sky. A very big planet, so big in fact that it could have been merely several hundred thousand kilometers away rather than next in the astronomical lunch-line spiraling around a star.
"They want to blow it up," said the fish.
"Who?"
"The Vogons want to blow that planet up."
"Ah, well, nothing we can do I suppose."
"Nope," and the fish began to do a rather disturbing thing that resembles crying.
"Ah, cheer up, no worries," comforted Perry.
"It's not the end of the world," then he paused and contemplated his statement for a few moments before adding, "well not this one at least."
"What do you mean by that?"
"I mean that that world is being demolished and not this one."
"This isn't a world," said the fish protectively.
"Oh really, then what is it?" retorted Perry.
"A moon," said the fish, "to that."
"To what?"
"That planet."
"Oh, so, you'll have nothing holding you in orbit. And everything on the moon will…" but he was interrupted by the kipper/walrus.
"Die," said the fish.
"Well, yes, I suppose."
The fish sighed and swam back away and as he did so he yelled back to Perry, "Thanks for nothing you big jerk!"
There was silence for a few moments before Perry felt the moon he was on shift violently and heard a quiet whoosh… shwush… kerplump… that sounded the dissolving of a planet nearby. He looked up and saw through specks of dust drifting lazily from the sky the glimmering shell of a Vogon construction fleet circling the area where the planet once was. Perry felt the sudden release of gravity, saw water slowly begin to rise up from the marshes and drift into the air, then felt the air begin to leave and felt himself slowly lifted off of the moon. He sighed and awaited his death.
In that moment a silvery alien ship sliced through the air (or lack thereof) landed on the swampy ground (or lack thereof) silently stopped and then hissed as a ramp opened. A very alien man stepped out with alien clothes, alien hands, a flat alien head, and very odd alien clothes. He looked at the item resembling a clipboard that he held in his alien hands, looked at Perry, who was losing oxygen now, and opened his mouth to speak. His vibrating vocal cords made no sound as they had a very small amount of mater to travel through. He screamed out several swears loudly enough to be somewhat audible by Perry and then reached one of his alien hands out, grabbed Perry by the collar and pulled him into his ship.
Perry looked up at him, "You, saved… me."
"Garson, Perry?" asked the alien.
"Yes," replied Perry.
The alien smirked, "I've been looking for you for a very long time," he said.
"And?"
"You were a very whiny and insolent child."
It had never occurred to Perry that Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged might have actually existed. He believed in the possibility of him existing in the way that one may believe in Santa Clause or possibly even the Easter Hare (as many marine biologists prefer to call it under the excuse that bunnies are simply childish) and the monster in Loch Ness. Wowbagger was immortal, or so the tale went, and he had made it his goal in life to insult everyone in the Universe in alphabetical order. Perry didn't know whether to feel honored or to feel insulted, so he decided to insult Wowbagger.
"You're a flat-headed, cold-hearted, brainless son of a Zabriski!" he exclaimed.
Wowbagger turned around let loose an extremely vile phrase involving Perry's mother, a zebra, several boysenberry scones being soiled by a marmoset and several swears whose kindergarten definition and strictly adult definition were both the word naughty.
Perry's face melted into a stammering and moaning pile of surprised and contaminated features that appeared to have been put into a blender.
"And I meant every word of it," muttered Wowbagger as he returned to typing the names of the newly diseased (whom he must dance upon the graves on) into his computer.
"Oh," said Perry when he finally recovered enough to form audible noises but not quite enough to mouth out words.
Wowbagger turned his head around and glared at Perry as if to say, "Do you enjoy having all of your organs, including those external?"
Perry got the message and stared out of a window. What he saw was not something that he really liked. Hundreds, thousands, millions of Vogon ships flying about angrily behind him as a small sphere was ripped into pieces and spat around like wet tissue thrown through a fan and for one small moment, Perry thought he saw a Walrus's (or was it kipper's?) corpse floating eerily through the debris of a planet and its moon. But something else caught his attention.
Perry awoke in a very trashy looking area. This was partly because of the attire of the women and partly because he was lying in pile of trash.
"Where am I?" he asked a turquoise-skinned midget woman with twelve eyes speckling her face like freckles. She seemed to be missing the backside of her garment, which Perry was about to remind her of when he thought that she may possibly have purposely tossed it into an inferno because she was grinning at him very widely with pointed orange teeth shining green eyes, and a long line of white hair (one very long strand of hair that was wrapped around her scalp so that it looked as if she was wearing a turbine and then continued waving behind her head for a good ten feet) she giggled and ran off, which Perry rather wished she hadn't due to the fact that her unclothed backside was far less attractive than her hideous front side. This might have been a result of the tail that split into two long sinewy cords about six inches down, both ended in spades.
"Oh, my well, aren't we modest," said a voice from somewhere behind Perry.
He turned and saw another one of the strange people, this one a man about eight feet tall, orange, blue teeth, green hair and pure milky white eyes.
"Oh, hello there, do you need help?" asked Perry after noticing the man's eyes.
The man jumped down off of the pile of garbage he had been standing on and came to a halt directly in front of Perry, his bat-like wings billowing to catch the air and help keep him from plowing into Perry. And Perry felt very stupid because as the man frowned and said, "With what?" Perry knew that the man was looking at him, despite the strange eyes that blankly stared across the landscape.
"Ah, nothing… nothing."
"Then why did you ask?"
"No reason."
One of the women ran up and whispered in his ear.
"But he just got here," complained the man.
The woman whispered again.
"Oh, alright, if we must," he sighed.
"What," asked Perry, who hated being left out of things, especially things involving him.
"Comes strange man," said the orange man.
Perry was incredibly surprised to find that the people had taken him to a very large ship that he immediately recognized as his own.
"How did you know?" he stammered.
"Know what?" asked the orange man.
"Where my ships was."
"Ship?"
"Yes this big metal thingy in front of us."
"That is a ship?"
"Yes, of course it is, you've never seen one before?" asked Perry tartly.
"No." replied the orange man.
"Oh well…" he said, "how did you know to take me here?"
"A strange gray-skinned man with a flat head came from the sky. He told me to go suck eggs, whatever those are, and told me to take you to this place when you woke up and to give you this note," said the man as he handed Perry a small slip of paper.
On the paper the words, "Never speak of this you filth." Were written down in some alien form of cursive writing.
Perry smiled to himself said his goodbyes to the strange men and women and climbed into his ship.
From the cockpit he watched the deep somethingness of the planet melt away and was then enveloped by the deeper nothingness of space. Perry Garson sighed contentedly and leaned back against something resembling a dashboard. There was a click and Perry noticed himself turning into something small and rubbery as the ship shook. He craned his now plastic neck and saw that his hand was on a button labeled Infinite Improbability Drive: DO NOT TOUCH.
Perry swore under his breath, closed his eyes for a few moments and opened them to find that he was standing not in his ship, but on a tall and slim boulder on in a desert under a clear blue sky.
And in the distance, he saw something resembling a pig. It was happily flying through the sky.
THE END