In For Life
Disclaimer: I do not own Adam, Lawrence, or Saw in general. I also borrowed some song lyrics from an amazing band by the name of Lifehouse.
Hey guys, I heard this song and knew that it would be perfect for an Adam/Lawrence one shot. The song is titled "All in" by Lifehouse and I wrote this story to the beat of it.
He doesn't know why this happens. But it does. Every fucking time. Lawrence comes home from work and is, of course, the most loving and caring person he can be. They talk about each other's days, Adam will make some sarcastic comment about whatever story Lawrence has to tell about the hospital that day, and then they will proceed with making dinner together. Lawrence does most of the real cooking though – giving Adam odd jobs like fetching the proper pan or filling a pot with water to boil. Adam is not a good cook and he knows this. He also knows that he can be a real fucking ass sometimes. Sometimes - like when he explodes at Lawrence for no other reason than he tries to get him to talk about all of the noise in his head and the visions of Jigsaw he see's in every reflective surface. Sometimes - like tonight.
All night, staring at the ceiling
Counting the minutes I'm feeling this way
So far away and so alone
He's gone again. Adam is gone again and the pit in Lawrence's stomach is getting larger by the minute. There are moments when he wonders why he puts up with all of it –Adam's tantrums, the explosions that ultimately lead to him leaving and not showing up until its light outside, the fact that he is usually drunk or high or both when he does show up on their doorstep. It would be more than most men could handle. But Lawrence is not most men -he knows this. And Adam is not most men either. They've both been to the gates of hell and somehow survived. They've both found completely different ways to deal with the constant fear that a small wooden doll will knock on their door one day riding a tricycle and carrying a tape recorder with one or both of their names on it. Lawrence deals by holding Adam as close as he possibly can – protecting him from everything he can protect him from. Adam deals by pulling away from those protective arms with all the strength he can muster. And this is the dance that they do.
But you know it's alright,
I came to my senses
Letting go of my defenses
There's no way I'm giving up this time,
Yea, you know I'm right here
I'm not losing you this time
He walks quickly – as if he has a very important place to be. This couldn't be farther from the truth, though, because the most important place he has to be is at home, with Lawrence. Adam knows this and it eats away at him until he feels like nothing but skin and bone. The white T-shirt hangs loosely on his frame and he can feel his head spinning already. He walks so hard on his feet that they ache and it doesn't take long before he is at his usual spot – his usual drinking spot. It's a small bar with only a few shady regulars who come in and drown their problems in booze. Adam fits in well – at least he used to. He fit in well before the bathroom – before he fell in love with a man who wanted to hear all of his problems and solve them. Before - when he had nobody. He could complain all he wanted to the strangers at the bar because all of his complaints were honest. Now, he feels like a fraud. He stops at the front door and leans against the wall. His hands rub against his face trying to cover up the pain that is slowly making its way to the surface. He listens to the usual chatter coming from inside -one of the usual patrons is bitching about his cheating whore of a wife while another is complaining about his shithead boss who fired him today. Meanwhile, Lawrence is at home – waiting for him again. The man who loves him more than anything is at home – waiting for him to come to his senses.
He begins to wonder why he is here at all.
"Fuck. I am such an idiot. Lawrence!."
And I'm all in, nothing left to hide
I'm falling harder than a landslide
I spent a week away from you last night
And now I'm calling, calling out your name
Even if I lose the game, I'm all in
I'm all in tonight, yeah I'm all in, I'm all in for life
Lawrence is pretending to be calm as he cleans up the remainder of a dinner that was barely touched. He pretends that his heart isn't pounding and that those aren't tears waiting to pour down his face any second. He pretends that he isn't scared to death of what could happen to Adam, his Adam, while he's out there on the street alone. Jigsaw may be dead but he will never be absent from their lives.
Most of all, Lawrence pretends that he isn't madly in love with a man who makes him smile more than anyone ever has – just by being there. That it isn't Adam's name that ricochets through his head every night when he goes to sleep and every morning when he wakes. That he wouldn't cut off both of his legs just to make Adam stay within his protective arms just a few minutes longer.
Or a lifetime longer.
Reaching into his pocket, Lawrence pulls out the plain white box that holds the very plain white gold ring. Engraved on the band is the phrase that he tells Adam every morning when he returns home – scared and in need of comfort. The silent deal they made that day in the bathroom.
"I'm in, forever."
A new determination in his pale blue eyes, he drops the dishes into the sink and bolts out of the apartment.
There's no taking back what we've got
It's too strong, we've had each other's back for too long
There's no breaking up this time
And you know it's okay, I came to my senses
Let go of my defenses
There's no way I'm giving up this time
Adam runs so fast. He runs so damn fast that he forgets about his aching feet and the fact that he is so out of breath that he couldn't even speak if he tried- fucking smokers lungs. Lawrence has asked him to quit. He is a doctor after all and he always talks about the tumors that take over the lungs of his patients. Adam always joked that he was just guaranteeing Lawrence job security for the future. Lawrence never found it funny though. Instead, he would get that concerned look on his face that warms Adam's heart even though he doesn't like to admit it.
Adam's heart is warm now, too. Its warm because he has finally realized what a completely and total dumbass he is for walking away from the only person who has ever truly loved him. For the very same reason his stomach is hollow with fear that maybe this time, after so many nights like these, Lawrence has finally had enough. He worries that he will burst through that apartment door and see that the suitcases have been packed and the person who makes him happier than beer and drugs and anything else he has ever tried is not there waiting for him. Not anymore.
And if he is gone Adam has decided that he will follow him – not to take pictures this time but so that he can get close enough to drag him back to that apartment and chain him to the closest stationary object. Lawrence crawled away from him in that shithole bathroom and left him to scream his voice away. It was the worst feeling Adam had ever felt. It was the most scared he had ever been. He'd held onto the feeling of Lawrence's hand on his cheek for almost a whole day until those rescuers came back for him…until Lawrence came back for him.
Fuck if he was going to let Lawrence crawl away again. They were in this together from day one. He would be in it until the day he died – whether Lawrence liked it or not.
And I'm all in, nothing left to hide
I'm falling harder than a landslide
I spent a week away from you last night
And now I'm calling, calling out your name
Even if I lose the game, I'm all in,
I'm all in tonight, yea I'm all in, I'm all in for life
Lawrence burst through the door and into the hole in the wall where Adam usually hid when he wanted to drink. There was music in the background, but mostly it was the loud voices of the already drunk patrons that caught his attention. They seemed to be an older crowd – a group of down on their luck middle class neighborhood folk who were just looking for an escape. He knew that was what Adam wanted too – that was why he always came here.
"Adam!" It took him a moment to realize that the loud voice shouting his lovers name was actually his own. "Adam!" There it was again. If he didn't know better he would have thought that he was drunk himself.
Growing inpatient with the lack of response, he trudged towards the bar and immediately caught the attention of the bartender. He was a scraggly older man with a long tangled beard and a large toothy smile that negated the intimidating exterior.
"What can I get ya? You look like a whiskey man to me…" The man rattled on and Lawrence became even more inpatient.
"I'm looking for Adam Faulker." He clutched the small white box tightly in his palm and tried to appear as official as possible. The older man smiled another yellowy grin and this time a cackle came from his mouth. Lawrence tightened his grip on the box even more.
"You must be Larry." He paused. Lawrence was taken aback. "Yea, Adam talks about you all the time. Lucky guy you are. He's a good kid. Sure as hell loves you." Lawrence felt color fill out his face…blushing was something only Adam could make him do. "He hasn't been in tonight though. Gotta say I'm kinda glad about that. He's too young to be hanging around us bitter old toads."
Two other older men laughed at the comment and the bartender went back to cleaning his glass. Lawrence leaned back against a barstool and forced a breath in and out. The man was right and he sure as hell was going to make sure that Adam didn't come back here again….even if it meant handcuffing him to the bedpost.
"I saw 'im earlier tonight, Larry." Lawrence immediately turned to see a petite older woman three barstools from him. She nursed a drink that resembled vodka and a cigarette sat burning in an ashtray next to her. "I was just walking in and he ran straight past me, didn't even say hello or nothing. Not like Adam at all…but of course you know that better than I do. He was upset though. Heard him mumbling something about being an idiot and then he said he needed to talk to you."
Lawrence froze.
Adam was going home. To an empty apartment.
He dropped the first bill he could find on the bar as a thank you and bolted out the door, white box in hand.
And now I'm calling, calling out your name
Even if I lose the game, I'm all in
I'm all in tonight, yeah I'm all in, I'm all in for life
The outside light of his apartment building was the most welcoming sight Adam had seen in a long time. The last time he remembered feeling so relieved was at the hospital after he had been rescued from the bathroom. Lawrence's face was so beautiful that he'd wondered if he was still in those chains and only dreaming. He remembered the feeling of Lawrence's hand as pushed the still sweaty hair out of his face. The sound of his voice had been the most wonderful sound Adam had ever heard – and it still was.
Suddenly very impatient, Adam ran up the stairs and towards the apartment. He was going to jump into Lawrence's waiting arms and tell him every single thought that had gone through his head since he'd left….since way before then.
And when he threw open the door and saw the dishes still in the sink, the lights still on, the queen sized bed empty, he felt like the life had been sucked out of him. The quiet of an empty apartment hit him in the gut so hard that he could barely breathe.
He felt his legs give out and he began to crumble.
"Adam!" The voice was coming from the other end of a long tunnel. The arms that picked him up were close, though, and he felt himself engulfed in the warmest embrace he had felt since that day in the hospital.
When he opened his eyes next Lawrence was there. His light blue eyes were so full of love and concern that Adam could barely choke out the words that he had planned to say. There were so many of them. So many things he had to tell Lawrence right away so that he would know that Adam would never, ever, take him for granted again.
Instead, only two words were able to squeak out between his parched lips.
"Marry me."
Lawrence never answered. He just kissed Adam with a gentle force and slipped a band onto his finger.
Then, they fell asleep - hooked to each other with invisible chains that would never break.
Yea I'm all in, I'm all in for life