Watching Them
Disclaimer: In case anyone think's differently – I don't own Stargate. Oh, and no one is paying me for this. Sadly.
Author's Note: Assumes that following the end of 'Unending' Daniel and Vala begin some form of romantic relationship, similar to that displayed during the episode. And that Sam and Jack never did get their acts together.
Jack,
This is a hard letter to write. Admitting that you were wrong is always hard to do. And admitting that you've been completely wrong for ten years is harder still. But harder yet is dealing with everything that you've lost because you were wrong – everything you could have had but didn't, all the things you could have done but didn't. And harder even than this is apologising to the other who has lost out because of your mistake. These are truths I've learned recently, Jack, truths I wish I had learned sooner, before it was too late.
I may have pretended ignorance or a naïve unawareness but I always knew that the ball was in my court. You were too much of gentleman to pressure me and yet you always made it clear that if I chose to make a move you would meet me half-way. Yet I never did. I kept my distance. I was the very epitome of professionalism. And I was so proud of that. Every time I was tempted to go fishing, to run my hands through your hair, to kiss you I stopped myself. I convinced myself that with time these temptations would fade and that I would be glad when they did. Maybe I was naïve after all.
You need to understand, though, that I didn't do this for myself. If it had just been a personal choice I would have acted so very differently. But I convinced myself that I was being noble, self-sacrificing, courageous. I was putting the planet before myself and my happiness. I wish I could blame everything on years of indoctrination within the Airforce but I don't know if that would be honest. Whatever the cause, I believed that we could not do our jobs properly if we became romantically involved. I believed that we would become weak – unable to make the hard choices – if we started anything. I was certain that we would be putting ourselves, our team and our planet in jeopardy. And I couldn't do that. I know that you understood, although at times I suspected that you didn't agree. Ironically, the fact that you respected my decision, that you didn't fight me on it, made me love you even more.
You're probably confused right now, wondering what this is about. Things have changed here recently. I'm sure you've been talking to Daniel recently and you probably already know about him and Vala – they haven't exactly been discreet. Anyhow, for weeks now I've been watching them and that's how I learned that I was wrong for all those years. The two of them are so much in love – you can see it in every word, every smile, every joke – but they still work together as well as they ever did. Maybe even better. And I still trust them both. I know that they will do their jobs properly, no matter what the risk, because I have seen them do it. I have seen each allow the other to risk their life to save the team, to save the earth, even to save a village full of people they have never met before.
Watching them this last few weeks has broken my heart. And it has made me realise that I owe you an apology. I am sorry, Jack. Sorry for every invitation I turned down. Sorry for rejecting you. Sorry for hurting you. But mostly I'm sorry that we missed out on something that could have been wonderful and that it was my fault.
Love,
Sam