American Dad
Deputy Director Smith
By Lee Homer
Disclaimer: American Dad is owned by Seth MacFarlane. I do not own the show just the story. Also this is my first script style. I'm not usually a funny writer but I just want to give it a go. So here goes.
Ext. CIA Headquarters
Int. The Offices
Stan and his friends are gathered around Stan's desk, cracking bin-laden jokes. Deputy Director Avery Smith enters the room and is in a crisis. The alarms sound and the whole room flashes red.
Bullock:
Everyone, we are at full alert! Everyone brace yourselves for the bad news. It's disastrous, by god it's disastrous!
Stan:
Another terrorist attack? The CIA has been infiltrated again hasn't it?
Bullock:
No! There's a spider in the kitchen sink again, and it's a biggie!
Everyone in the room starts to freak out except for Stan, who stands up, rolls up his sleeves and picks up a cup and paper.
Stan:
Stand aside gentlemen.
Stan leaves the room. The sound of him shouting and banging of the pots and pans can be heard.
Stan:
Come here you…..oooo!...ahhh!...ah ha got you, you son of a…..
Stan renters the room, the sound of a toilet flushing can be heard and the red alert siren disappears.
Stan:
The dangers over sir. They get bigger every time
Bullock:
Well done Smith. You are quite the brave man here. Unlike the rest of you. Shame on you. No tea and biscuits for you
Everyone sighs; moans and they leave the room
Bullock:
Smith may I see you in my office. I think it's about time that we had a little chat don't you think?
Stan:
Sir if it was about the time that I wrote "Gaylord" on your back at the office party then I'm sorry, Jackson dared me to do it. You see we were al drunk and you were asleep and we thought why not. Mind you it was funny listening you sing "The one that I want" in your sleep. Ah Greese, such a gay film.
Bullock:
What! No and by the way I wasn't asleep that night, But that's not the point. Smith, what I'm going to tell has to be kept between you and me.
Stan:
Don't worry sir. I know that you have a second job at the local gay bar down the street.
Bullock:
No that secret. Come we should talk in my office. No one should here us in there, plus you can deal with any other spiders that are in there.
Int. Bullocks office
Bullock sits behind his desk as Stan pulls up a chair. Stan is puzzled as Bullock pulls out a letter from his desk draw.
Bullock:
I received this letter this morning. My brother has been kidnapped by a group of terrorists in Afghanistan.
Stan:
Wait you have a brother?
Bullock:
Yes, but I haven't seen him for thirty-three years. I never mentioned him to any of you because I was ashamed of what he did to my family once.
Stan:
What did he do sir?
Bullock:
It's a long story so I'll narrow it down so we can get to the point. He slept with my wife and he left us. That's it, and now he's been abducted by terrorists on enemy ground.
Stan:
Why did he join the army then sir?
Bullock:
I don't know and I don't care really. All I know is that the terrorists have demanded $2000, 000 or they'll kill him.
Stan:
Why do you want to rescue him if you don't want anything to do with him?
Bullock
Because he is still family. You would do the same for your son wouldn't you?
A thought bubble appears from Stan's head showing Steve held by terrorists.
Stan:
Only If Francine made me. That kid is always getting into trouble somehow, probably because he's needy, wimpy nerd.
Bullock:
Well I have to fly out to Afghanistan immediately so I can pay the ransom. Poor Edward
Stan:
His name is Edward? Boy no wonder your ashamed of him. Such a terrible name, Like that gay Vampire.
Bullock:
No Edward is my chopper pilot. Poor guy has just finished his shift. My brother's name is "Robert."
Stan:
So why are you telling me all of this then sir?
Bullock:
Because I want you to become the Deputy Director for when I'm away.
Stan:
But Sir I….
Bullock:
Please Smith. I trust you the most out of everyone here. The Job is easy really. All you have to do is manage the place and hand out mission directives to everyone. It'll be a cinch.
Stan:
Well I don't know sir I mean….
Bullock:
You get a free TGI Friday every week.
Stan:
Then I'll do it.
Ext. The Smith House
Int. Steve's bedroom
Steve, Snot, Toshi and Barry are in Steve's room, reading comic books and talking about an up coming beach party that they have been invited to.
Steve:
Cant wait to got to this party tomorrow. It's going to be AWESOME!
Snot:
I know, I mean, think of the girls that are going to be there. Lisa Silverman in a bikini… oh yeah we'll be in boner heaven.
Steve:
Oh yeah. Plus there will load of hot babes on the beach, sun bathing and…..oh calm Steve, you're getting over excited again.
The four of them fantasize for a minute.
Snot:
Wait a minute Steve; we can't go unless we have decent swim wear. Remember the last time we went to a beach party? They buried me up to my neck in sand, put Barry on a spit roast and you and Toshi in seaweed.
Toshi (speaking in Japanese):
*That shames me until today. I smelt like sumo on a hot day.*
Steve:
Your right Toshi, we do need new swim wear, but where can we go to find trunks that turn on the ladies?
Snot:
Well we have to go now Steve, Toshi has a family thing to go to and Barry and I are going to be in a police line up.
Barry:
I'm going a Miss Piggy. It's going to be like my uncle's basement photoshoot.
Snot, Toshi and Barry leave the room. Suddenly, Roger slides out from under Steve's bed. He gets up and brushes the dust off of himself.
Roger:
I can help you out Steve. I know a thing or two about attracting ladies at the beach?
Steve:
Roger what were you doing under my bed?
Roger:
I was just looking around for things to do and I stumbled across your porno stash, under the bed. You are a good man, keeping those. No I meant it, you have taste.
Steve:
Look Roger I need help in finding trunks that we could wear that could make us sexy.
Roger looks Steve up and down.
Roger:
I think I know just the thing. Follow me.
Steve leaves the room and walks in front of Roger.
Roger:
Fine! Don't follow me. Cant you just make me look big for once?
Int. Living room
Francine is sitting on the sofa, watching TV as Stan enters the door, holding a brief case and displaying a look on his face.
Francine:
What's up Stan? Did you spill your Mr Pibb on the passenger seat again because I'm sick and tired of cleaning it out!
Stan:
No Francine. I need you to cook me the standard "Bad news dinner" that we planned. I have some bad news.
Francine:
So that's what the bad news dinner was for?
Stan:
*Sigh* can we just go into the kitchen or something?
Int. Kitchen
Hayley and Klaus are in the kitchen when Stan and Francine enter the room. Francine opens the cupboards and fridge and begins to cook dinner.
Stan:
Bullock wants me to be Deputy Director while he goes away to Afghanistan to save his brother.
Francine drops the pan on the floor in amazement and it shatters.
Stan:
Francine! Hoe careless of you. I spent a perfectly good dollar on that pan. Do you think I'm made of money?
Francine:
I'm sorry. I just didn't know that he had brother.
Stan:
He has a brother?
Francine:
You just told me he did!
Stan:
Oh yeah. Damb sleeping pills!
Francine:
Anyway, how long does he want you to be Deputy Director for?
Stan:
That's just it. I don't know? I don't even know if he'll ever return? I can't take his place. I can't manage the whole CIA? It's like Tinky Winky taking managing The X-Men. It's Impossible!
Klaus:
You know Stan, on many occasions; you made Bullock out to be complete jackass. Maybe this is the chance to show him that you could be a better Deputy Director than he is. Then maybe he'll have to resign and you can have the job permanently.
Stan:
You Klaus, that's a good Idea. Bullock always sucked at his job, I was always telling him what to do. So basically I was doing his job for him.
Francine:
Plus you'll make better money and we could be rich within weeks. *Gasp* I could afford a non-stick pan! Oh Stan you've got to take that job.
Stan:
Alright, I'll take it. As from tomorrow, I will be Deputy Director Smith.
Hayley:
But dad, the sleeping pills have given you short term memory loss. You wouldn't even know who the other agents are. Oh this is going to be funny!
Stan:
Shut up Keighley!
Hayley:
It's Hayley!
Stan:
I know that!
Ext. The CIA Headquarters
Int. The Conference Room
The agents are gathered around in the conference room, chatting amongst themselves. Stan enters the room, wearing a grey suit, white shirt and red tie.
Stan:
Gentlemen and Duper. I have gathered you here this morning to tell you that I have assumed the role of Deputy Director.
Dick:
Why? Where's Bullock?
Jackson:
Did he have to smuggle that hooker over the Mexican border again? Because he promised to give that up.
Stan:
He's had to go on a top secret mission that only I know. That's right, me. So until he gets back, I'm assuming command.
Jackson:
Oh man does that mean we have to work?
Stan:
I'm afraid so, but don't worry, I'll make it fun for you.
Jackson:
Yay!
Stan:
Hey where's Sanders this morning?
Dick:
He couldn't make it this morning. He gave me this note
Stan takes the note and reads it. The note is crumpled and an angry expression appears on Stan's face. He screws the letter up and throws it in the bin, behind him.
Stan:
Oh come on! That's not even his writing! Look at this. No one spells sick with a "C"!
Jackson:
Well you can't blame him. After all, you did run over his dog.
Stan:
He told me that it was already dead before I hit him!
Stan then looks at the clock, behind him.
Stan:
Geez is that the time? Right dismissed guys and remember, you all have an annual exam in the test hall in thirty minutes.
The agents moan as they leave the office. Duper is the last to leave when Stan stops him.
Stan:
Oh yeah it feels so good being the Deputy. Yep, it's going to be hard work now that I'm the dep-u-ty hey Duper?"
Duper:
Yeah Stan, eh, yeah congratulations.
Duper walks out, rolling his eye up at the ceiling as he leaves.
Stan:
Yeah, you better congratulate me!
Int. Bullocks Office
Stan enters Bullocks office, (which now belongs to him) and pulls out a cigar. He then sits behind the desk, lights the cigar, takes a puff and makes a smoke ring.
Stan:
Wait a minute! I smoke?
He then notices the papers on the desk infront of him. He picks them up and reads each sheet carefully. He then drops the sheets and displays a surprised look on his face.
Stan:
Oh my god! There was a discount offer on Cheesy Charlie's and nobody told me! Great now where can take Hayley for her birthday!
Then, the phone rings and Stan answers it.
Stan:
Hello, Deputy Director Stan Smith here…..what...what do you mean…I already own double glazed windows I….no I'm not interested in purchasing home insurance from you…no sorry I'm not interested…no sorry….sorry…..sorry….no…..sorry….sorry…..bye….goodbye….no…..I said goodbye…..go away!"
Stan slams the phone down and slouches in his chair. He looks at Bullocks banjo and picks it up, but as he begins to pluck the strings, he drops it and it snaps in half.
Stan:
I already hate this job
Ext. The Smith house
Int. The attic
Roger and Steve are on the internet, looking at designer swim trunks for Steve and his mates. They come across a website that catches their eyes.
Steve:
They're perfect. Just look at them. So colourful, elastic comfortable. They're perfect.
Roger:
Erm yeah they're Women's panties.
Steve:
No they're not
Roger:
Yes they are, but what ever floats your boat I guess?
Steve:
What's that supposed to mean?
Roger:
God are you dumb or something? I'm implying that you're gay. And I'm not surprised because I think Snot's gay. I don't know if you've noticed but I think that he was coming onto me the other day.
Steve:
Shut up Roger! We're not gay now are you going to help us or not.
Roger:
Alright, alright already. Ok so you don't want Women's panties. Fine!
Steve:
What this page?
Roger:
Ha ha ha. Oh my god! You are desperate aren't you?
Steve:
They're called "Scentdo's." The brand new, designer Speedo that lets out an exotic scent that attracts the opposite sex.
Roger:
Am I looking at Speedo's with Steve or one of the Attenborough brothers?
Steve:
They attract ladies, Roger.
Roger:
I know that you idiot! Can't I be sarcastic for once!
Steve:
That's the key. I must find a store where they sell these "Scentdo's." The Party's tomorrow so that leaves me exactly 8 hours to find four pairs. Thanks Roger."
Roger:
Yeah, Yeah what ever. Look I'm just going to go into Hayley's room and get wasted on her bed. I think I'll blame it on the fish this time. Why? Because he's German that's why.
Roger leaves the attic, leaving Steve to find a store on the internet.
Int. Living Room.
Stan is sitting on the couch with Francine next to him.
Stan:
It was horrible. I've had three sales calls from an Indian called "Achma", A whole stack of test papers to mark, all with F's dumb agents, they're all dumb and worst of all, the TGI Friday's was horrible. Oh and did I mention that I broke Bullock's banjo? I think I did? If not, then why didn't you ask me to tell you?
Francine:
Because I wouldn't have known?
Stan:
Oh yeah. Who's a clever wife then?
Francine:
I am, but anyway Stan, it was your first day as Deputy Director. Of course it was going to be bad because most first days are. These things take time. I bet you after a week, you'll be managing the place as if you own it. So stop whining.
Stan:
Oh yeah, well why don't you go there and be Deputy Director? I'll tell you why? Because it's a man's job and I'm going there right now to my man job!
Stan gets up and slams the door behind him.
Ext. The Smith house front lawn
Stan walks out onto the lawn and stops.
Stan:
Hey, what just happened?
(Break)
Ext. Pearl Bailey High School – front yard.
Steve approaches Snot, Toshi and Barry, who are waiting for him by the main gate.
Steve:
Ah gentlemen you are all here. Good now lets go.
Snot:
Steve where are we going? You didn't tell us much through out the day?
Steve:
Guy's, I'm taking you to a place where they sell the best designer Speedo's ever.
Toshi (in Japanese)
*If they're not made in Japan, Then they must be designer.*
Steve:
That's right Toshi, it is a surprise.
Ext. The Wall Mart
Int. Designer Shop
Steve, Snot, Toshi and Barry arrive at a designer shop and immediately walk over to the swim wear isle. They find the Scentdo stall and Steve picks up a pair to show the guys. They inhale the scent and sigh.
Steve:
Introducing "Scentdo's". The designer Speedo which lets out an exotic scent that sends ladies running after you.
Snot:
They're amazing. We'll be a hot with these on at the beach, but look at the label, they're $20 each.
Steve:
That's why I have $100 with me that I borrowed from my dad.
Snot:
We have to get them
Steve:
Pick a flavoured sent guy's
Snot:
I'll take Apple.
Toshi (In Japanese):
*I'll take Banana*
Barry:
I want one in Pizza.
Steve:
Ummm. They don't do pizza Barry. You have Cherry and I'll have Strawberry.
Toshi (In Japanese):
*We are going to look gay in these you bastard*
Steve:
That's right Toshi. I am a genius.
Ext. CIA Headquarters
Int. The Offices
Stan is standing by his own desk, handing out the test results to Jackson and Dick.
Stan:
You were just awful, I mean very awful. You all scored five points each on the test. I mean Jackson, look at your paper. You put that Iraq was in India. Are you that stupid?
Jackson:
Well…eh….I
Stan:
And Dick, look at yours. You drew a Taliban beard and turban on Former President George W. Bush's head. In fact you doodled on all of the pictures and ticked the boxes I was supposed to tick!
Dick:
I was bored.
Stan:
*Sigh* Get out of my sight right now, the both of you!"
Dick and Jackson leave the room, leaving Stan, who is rubbing his head and moaning.
Stan:
Why are these people idiots. Was I once like that?
The Roger enters the room, wearing one of his disguises. He is wearing Stan's blue suit, with ginger hair and beard.
Roger:
What do you mean by "was?"
Stan:
Roger? What are you doing here?
Roger:
The name is Hank Duff. I am an ex military camp sergeant who was shot, during an attack by Iranians. By the way I stole the word Duff from Hilary Duff. You got a problem then sue me I dare you, you'll rot in hell because I have the best lawyer ever who also is me, anyway Francine told me that you having trouble managing these monkeys around so I thought I could help.
Stan:
Oh it's a nightmare Roger. I don't know what to do. They all failed the tests and they won't go on the stake-outs that I tell them to do. I mean, already, three international terrorists have escaped today because Dick fell asleep on the cell door release switch. They're like children. I wish Bullock was back to see this?
Roger:
All you need to do is show some authority around here. I mean look around you. This place is like a day nursery.
Stan looks around and see's paper planes being thrown, coffee stains up the walls, Dick with his feet up, picking his ear with a pencil and a lot smashed up coffee mugs.
Stan:
You know Roger. You're right. These people use to look up to Bullock and now that he's not here, they're like lost, retarded puppy dogs. Well no more. I need a mega-phone and a swivel chair to stand on.
Roger leaves and then quickly returns with a chair and a mega-phone. Stan stands up as speaks into the mega-phone.
Stan:
Stop right there….no listen…SHUT THE HELL UP YOU USELESS PATHETIC MAGGOTS!
Everyone in the room falls silent and they all look at Stan in shock.
Stan:
Now that's better. From now on you are going to exactly what I say, when I tell you to do it and you're going to do it right, with no buts. You are a bunch of useless idiots that have ever enlisted in the CIA. You will start by marching into the test hall and you re-sit your exam in ten minutes. If you fail, then you will do it again and again until you pass. Even if it takes all night.
Jackson:
But some of us have wives to go home to?
Stan:
They're my wives now! Jackson! Now go!
Ext. CIA Headquarters - three hours later
Int. Conference room
Stan has gathered everyone in the mess hall as he goes over the rules until Bullock returns.
Stan:
Right now here are the rules. You will all arrive at work at 7am sharp every day. That's not half hour early or half hour late. You turn up late, you're fired. Secondly, coffee and lunch breaks have been cut back to only 30 minuets each. This gives you more time to look for the three Terrorists that you let escape, moronically. Oh and finally, If I ever see anything on the floors then I'll keep you behind.
Agents:
Awwwwwwwww
Stan:
That's the rules. This is a working environment not a playground.
Jackson to Dick:
We might as well scrub out the basketball court that we made in toilets.
Stan:
Yes Jackson, that too. Now dismissed.
The agents leave the room and Stan turns to Roger, who is standing behind him.
Stan:
I did it Roger. I took authority over them. Now how does Steve say it? Oh yeah. I AM AWESOME!
Stan then does a celebration dance and Roger isn't impressed.
Stan:
Oh yeah do the smith dance. Oh yeah I am awesome. Oh yeah do the smith dance. I am the master!
Roger:
Yeah..Ok. I'm just going to go now. I'm going to a strip joint with my mate who lives in the alley way behind the Starbucks on 5th street. See you later.
Ext. The Smith House – The next day
Int. Steve's bedroom
Steve, Snot, Toshi and Barry are trying out they're new scentdo Speedo's.
Steve:
These are perfect. They feel so comfortable and smell so divine.
Snot:
I have to admit Steve. I think you've done it this time. We'll be like sex magnets.
Barry:
My uncle made put a pair of Speedo's on once. He got excited and then he got arrested.
Toshi (in Japanese):
*I hate these. They are so itchy and they make my skin go red.*
Steve:
Don't worry Toshi. I'm sure that they have Asian chicks there too.
Snot:
We better get going Steve. The party starts in an hour and its 45 minutes away.
Steve:
The lets go and get some boob.
Int. Living Room
Francine is sitting on the sofa, reading a book. Steve, Snot, Toshi and Barry come down the stairs behind her in dressed in nothing but their Speedo's and flip-flops.
Steve:
Bye mom. We're off to get laid.
Francine:
Have fun. Be home for dinner. It's Mexican night.
Int. Stan's office.
Stan is sitting behind his desk when Jackson walks in with a sad look on his face.
Stan:
Jackson. Do you know why I called you here today?
Jackson:
Ummm….. Because I was late?
Stan:
That right, because you were late. Now Normally, I would fire you, but you know what. I'm not going to.
Jackson:
But why?
Stan:
Because too soft that's why! (Starts to cry) I can't do it Jackson. I want Bullock back.
Jackson:
We all want Bullock back, but you were all badass back on us yesterday?
Stan:
I was trying to be like Bullock, but I can't be like him.
Jackson:
Well why not?
Stan:
Because I'm not bald, stuck-up and gay like he is.
Jackson:
Bullock isn't gay?
Stan:
Well he is now
Jackson:
Look Stan if it's any consolation to you. I think you're the best Deputy Director we've had.
Stan:
Really? You think so?
Jackson:
Yeah. I mean there were a few times when you pissed us off like when you replaced the coffee with hot tar, but Bullock did the same thing when he first started.
Stan:
He did? Well I only put the tar in it because you all joked saying that my Francine was like a blow-up doll, but I never knew that Bullock started off as a complete bastard.
Jackson:
Well he did, and you're going to be fine with this whole Deputy Director stuff.
Stan:
Ok then. You can go now, but tell anyone that we had this heart to heart moment and that Pipe bomb is going in your exhaust pipe.
Ext. The Beach.
Steve, Snot, Toshi and Barry arrive at the beach party. They are walking along the sand in their Speedo's and flip-flops as they look around at all the people that are at the party. Steve's eyes open widely as notices the beach babes running around in they're bikinis. Music is playing, Frisbees and beach balls are thrown and there BBQ stands.
Steve:
Look at this place. It's like sex heaven out here.
Snot:
Erm Steve, these Scentdo's aren't giving out the exotic smells anymore. Well at least I can't smell mine.
Barry:
They're not working!
Steve:
They must do. Look over there. There's a whole bunch of chicks. Let's go over there.
They walk over to the beach babes and suddenly every one stops at what they are all doing. The all begin to sniff the exotic smells. Suddenly, the Jock's come into view. The only sounds left are the sounds of music and mass sniffing.
Jock 1:
What's that smell? It smells like…. A fruit cocktail!
Jock 2:
It's coming from those four nerds.
Jock 3:
They're wearing gay Speedo's Get them!
Steve, Snot, Toshi and Barry:
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
The Jocks pick up Steve and his friends and carry them towards the sea. Everyone laughs out load and points to them.
Jock 1:
Throw them into the mud where they belong!
They reach the mud puddles and the Jocks toss them into it. Steve, Snot , Toshi and Barry are left swimming and spitting around in the mud.
Steve:
Why? (Starts to cry) Why us?
Snot:
I think I swallowed some Seaweed.
Toshi (in Japanese):
*I am humiliated just like I said we were. Thanks Steve you dumbass.*
Barry:
There's a crab on my booby cap!
Ext. The Smith House
Int. The Attic
Roger is behind his bar, with Klaus when Steve walks in. he is angry and is covered in mud and Seaweed. Roger isn't surprised as usual.
Roger:
What the hell happened to you? You look like one of the Sea devils from Dr Who?
Steve and Klaus stare at Roger.
Roger:
What? Doesn't anyone watch the classic Dr Who any more? Or am I the only sad moron to ever watch British television?
Steve:
The Speedo's were a complete disaster. We didn't get laid but we got a mud bath instead.
Roger:
Oh really? Oh isn't that just adorable. I haven't had a mud bath in ages.
Steve:
Roger!
Roger:
Well I told you that you looked gay?
Int – Stan's Office
Stan is sitting behind his desk when Bullock enters the room, covered in bruises and cuts.
Stan:
Deputy Director Bullock. You're back! How did the mission go?
Bullock:
It was a complete success. I gave them the money and the let Robert go, but they don't know is that half of the money is Monopoly money. They were all so dumb that they didn't notice it. We then took the next flight back to Langley Falls, where I ate a bad burrito. If the passengers took my advice, then they'll stay way from the toilet. I made it smell like an Indian market in there.
Stan:
Well it's good to have you back sir.
Bullock:
Anyway I noticed that you've done a good job here and I've decided to give you the job permanently.
Stan:
Actually sir. I'm not suited for the role. If it's ok with you, I'd like my old job back?
Bullock:
Then it is done. You may have your job back. Agent Smith. Oh and I'm in such a good mood today that you can tell me anything bad and I promise not to get angry.
Stan gets up and walks to the door. His smile turns into a dead pan expression.
Stan:
I broke your banjo.
Bullock's face changes from a smile to an angry frown as Stan walks out.
The End
And that is the end of the story. Please read and review it please because I'd like to know what you think. Thanks