Disclaimer: I don't own BoJack Horseman!

Title: Put it in a Pile

Summary: Diane gets her shit together ft. Princess Carolyn, Todd, and one very pointy baby.

...

Three things hit Diane at once when the door opens.

1.) She probably should've called ahead.

2.) That's a baby. Holy shit, Princess Carolyn is holding a baby. There's a baby in Princess Carolyn's arms, and seeing how she's a busy woman who couldn't swing a babysitting side-job the only logical conclusion is that she got a baby finally, like she's been hoping for for years and years now.

3.) This is a really bad time to be smoking.

Diane chucks her cigarette to the ground, then gets to work stamping it out. "I am so sorry, Princess Carolyn, I didn't think-"

The cat raises an eyebrow. "It's fine, just don't do it again."

"It's not okay," Diane rebukes, because she's not going to be responsible for giving a goddamn baby lung cancer. "You want me to take off my jacket on the way in? I know it won't do much for the smell but it's kind of the best I can do right now."

"Is this a short visit or a long one?"

"Short one."

"Nah, it's fine. Come on in."

Diane pockets the trampled butt before wandering inside, hands in her pockets, embarrassed for rambling and embarrassed for showing up unexpectedly and especially embarrassed about smoking in front of a baby like some modern day Cruella de Vil. "So, uh, all that aside. Congrats. I mean, if this is what I think it is."

"It is," she agreed, lips curling into a smile. "I'm a momma."

"That's great! I'm happy for you." She contemplates sitting down, then decides that's too much and instead leans her arms on the back of the couch. Diane is easy to knock off her game, and when she gets off her game she tends to stay that way. "I just came by to tell you that BoJack is out of commission for a bit- but now that you have baby shenanigans going on, I dunno how much that matters anymore."

The other eyebrow rose. "What did he do this time?"

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

"Oh, trust me, I'll believe. Try me."

Diane opens her mouth, but before she could promptly shove her boot in it there's a crash and Todd comes stumbling into the room, covered in various items. "Okay!" he says, stressed and excited all at once. "I went looking through my stash, and we've got some baby choices here. Blankets, binkies-" Todd paused. "Oh, hey, Diane."

"Hey."

"Anyway." He shook himself. "Blankets, binkies, baby books, some teething stuff, all of the holiday movies you can get under twenty bucks, including Olive the Other Reindeer and The Naughty List-"

"But no diapers?" Princess Carolyn stressed. Todd glumly shook his head. "Aw, fish. Diane, you mind driving me up to the pharmacy?"

"Can't you drive yourself?"

"I'll pay you twenty bucks."

Diane straightened. "I'd drive you to hell for that kind of money."

Princess Carolyn looked at the baby porcupine in her arms a long moment, biting her lip, before reluctantly handing it over to Todd. "So, Diane, what was this unbelievable news about BoJack?"

"Oh, nothing much," Diane said, knowing damn well it was actually very much. "He checked into detox."

"Excuse me?"

"I told you you wouldn't believe it."

Todd blinked once, then twice. "This is a really weird time of year for an April Fool's prank, Diane."

"It's legit, I swear." She held her hands up. "I drove him over and watched him go in."

Princess Carolyn squinted at Diane oddly, sizing her up and down. "You think it'll work out?"

"I think it's up to BoJack," Diane says with a shrug. "So it's anybody's guess."

"Oh," Todd says, staring at the pile of stuff thoughtfully. He's frowning. "Well, I sure hope you didn't waste a lot of gas driving him."

"Diane, you're uncomfortably honest, even when the situations calls for you to be the exact opposite," Princess Carolyn observes, gripping tightly to the hanging bar in the passenger seat. "Do you think I'll be a good mom?"

Diane shrugs, flicking her turn signal on. "I mean, I don't think I'm the person you should be asking. I never really had an example of a good mom growing up."

"But you know a shitty mom when you see one."

"I know what my shitty mom is like," she responded. "She's always drunk and rude and she really likes shooting empty beer bottles in the backyard on the weekends. She never got physical with us kids, but she never had to, either. The only way we could ever hope to bond was over sports, and she hated me enough that she wouldn't even do that. So... no. I don't think you'll be like that."

Princess Carolyn sighed long and loud, probably pissed that Diane's being so obtuse (which is fair). She pulls one of her legs to her chest to hold it, squeezing like it's a teddy bear. "I've always wanted to be a momma. At least, I have for a long ass time now. But it never occurred to me to wonder... if I'd be any good at it."

"You're Princess flipping Carolyn, Princess Carolyn. Motherhood is stressful, yeah, but you eat stress for breakfast. You'll do fine."

"I should probably get rid of my old booze. You want my old booze?"

"Thanks, but no. I prefer my poison of choice to be packaged in easy-to-hold cancer sticks."

Princess Carolyn eases off the bar, smiling just a little. "I have to say, you're handling everything better than I thought you would."

"What, the baby? No offense, but you're the one who's going to be caring for the little monster."

"Oh," she said. "You haven't heard?"

Diane ignores the immediate oh shit she feels, tightening her grip on the wheel. She needs to know what she's dealing with before she panics. "I was with BoJack most of today- helping him pack and driving him. I came straight to you after; since, you know, you're his boss. What happened?"

"It's not bad," Princess Carolyn defended, holding up her hands. "Just... sudden."

"If you want those diapers you're gonna skip the prologue and tell me what I haven't heard."

"Mr. Peanutbutter proposed," she responded without flinching. "And his girl accepted."

"Shit." Diane checks her mirrors before jackknifing to the left, heading for the shoulder of the road.

"Diane?"

"Just- give me a minute, okay? I need a smoke."

She stops the car and gets out, leaning on the door. Diane's hands are shaking as she lights up. She knows, logically, that not even a whole pack of cigarettes can squash this dread she feels. Nothing can. Mr. Peanutbutter wasn't good with bad news, sure, but Jesus Christ. What the actual hell.

Princess Carolyn comes around the front of the car, looking expectant. "What's going on, Diane?"

Diane laughs bitterly. "I'm having a smoke to deal with the fact that my ex-husband is remarrying. What's it look like?"

"Don't give me that crap, girl. We all knew he was gonna remarry. Mr. Peanutbutter's always been a pack animal." She settles in next to her. "I expected tears, followed by drinking- might as well get some use outta my old booze, right?- and finally you coming full-circle and publishing some passive-aggressive article about men marrying women far younger than them. Not this."

"I really am predictable, aren't I?" Diane wipes a hand across her face, surprised when it comes back wet. "I'm a goddamn idiot, Princess Carolyn."

"I coulda told you that."

"You ever meet Pickles?"

She nodded. "At the Halloween party. She seemed nice."

"She really is," Diane said. "She's just... a dumb twenty-something, you know? She wants to drink and party and meet people, but she's super sweet and honest. God, I'm going to ruin her first real relationship."

Princess Carolyn's eyebrows raise. "You didn't do what I think you're implying you did."

Diane nods miserably. "Two or three times. What the fuck is wrong with me?"

"Give me your cigarette."

She raised her chin to look at her. The cat's face is carefully blank. "Huh?"

"Cigarette. Now."

Diane willingly hands it over. Princess Carolyn held it in her non-dominant hand, wedged awkwardly between her index and middle fingers. The other hand winds up in front of her eyes, and in the time it takes for her to blink her cheek stings like fire. "You're a goddamn hypocrite, Diane Nyugen."

"I deserved that," Diane says.

Princess Carolyn hands the cigarette back to her and puts her hands on her hips. "Ruin her first real relationship? Bullshit! She's set to marry him, Diane. Do you know how hard it is to find out someone you love and respect is cheating on you? Before you even got married? Relationship my ass- you could ruin the beginning of her adult life!"

"I messed up."

"You did worse than that. You gotta tell her."

Diane finally met her eyes, pleading silently. "It's Mr. Peanutbutter's job to do that."

Princess Carolyn snorted. "I've worked with that dog for over ten years, Diane. He's a good person, but he's got the backbone of an ice cream cone in the middle of summer. He once tried to tell me he didn't want to be part of a movie I'd lined up for him and he took me on a whirlwind tour of France instead."

Her resolve crumpled. "Okay, okay. You're right."

"You're gonna tell her?"

"Yeah."

Princess Carolyn pointed a perfectly manicured claw at her still-lit cigarette. "And that's the last one of those you're gonna smoke?"

Diane, wide-eyed, brought her hand closer to her chest protectively. "That has absolutely nothing to do with any of this."

"Damnit, Diane," she said. "You can't keep this shit up. You can't just drive someone to detox and come into a new mother's house stinking like that."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. Be better."

Diane studied the cigarette a moment. "I've been smoking for years. I mean... even if I did quit, there's still a good chance my lungs and throat are shot in the long run."

"And my liver is hell from binge-drinking over the years," Princess Carolyn said in a steady voice. "I'm not your boss, Diane. I can't make you do anything. But if you want to come near me, or my house, or my baby again, you're gonna get yourself some damn nicotine patches or whatever and move on." Diane didn't say anything. "I'd chew you out longer, but diapers."

"Diapers," Diane agreed. "I think I'll be okay driving now."

"We don't hang out much, do we?" Todd marveled when they returned. Diane, still limply holding a home phone that had been shoved in her general direction, nodded along vaguely. "It feels like we're kind of, like, in the same circle, but there's always people between us."

Diane shrugs. "We don't really have much in common. I'm a super boring person. You're Todd."

"You're not boring," said Todd, frowning. "I don't know half of what you're talking about most of the time, but it's still really nice to listen to."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I like it when people get to have fun being passionate about stuff they love." He tilted his head to the side. "You gonna call someone?"

"I'm... supposed to." Diane ran her thumb over the rubbery buttons. "You know, when I was a kid, I believed in good and evil pretty hardcore. I think... it helped me, you know? To look at my parents and how much of assholes they were and decide 'well, that's just how bad guys are, and I'm a good guy, so I'm not them'. But then I got older, and I started to hate the idea more and more because of various shitty things I did. I don't want to be like my family, but I'm genetically predestined to have some of their traits. And now I don't believe in good or bad, and part of me is scared that I just don't want to admit to myself that I'm a bad person."

"That's... pretty heavy, dude. Are things okay?"

"Not really."

"Oh." Todd scooched a bit closer. "I don't think things are that simple, honestly. I mean, this isn't a cartoon, where there's good guys and bad guys and that's it. Sometimes, people do shitty things for good reasons. Sometimes they do shitty things for shitty reasons. But that doesn't automatically erase all the good or bad things they did prior to and after that. The only really bad people are, like, serial killers and stuff."

"That sucks more, doesn't it?"

"It can, yeah. Makes things more interesting, though."

Diane sucked in a deep breath, then began dialing.

Author's Note: This was almost entirely just an excuse to write Diane throwing a cigarette with an unholy screech tbh. She strikes me as super-aware of second hand smoke and stuff (hence why we only really ever see her smoking alone/on the roof with BoJack). Also I was really excited to write PC smacking a bitch and telling her to get her life together askdmodcs

-Mandaree1