A/N: I AM SO SORRY!

Horizon was a god-forsaken wasteland. Wind whistled through the vacant housing units.

Was anyone left? Did they save anyone? Better yet, where were the Collectors taking them?

Shepard and his team knew not. All they knew was that they had failed the people of Horizon.

Seething, Jason Shepard tore off his helmet and ran his hand through his thick, black hair. Every compulsion told him to shoot something, to kill the nearest living being. But, neither of those were viable options. His Mattock had jammed during the final fight, and he was out of thermal clips. Not to mention, the closest living beings were Jacob, Kasumi, Grunt, and Garrus, all heaving their own reprisals over the devastating loss.

Two years and now, half a colony. Shepard needed something. Anything.

Suddenly, a voice called out, "Shepard?"

Tall, strong, dark-haired, and beautiful, Ashley Williams of all people had emerged onto their battlefield. Her pink and white just as spotlessly scuffed as the day he had found her on Eden Prime. A wide smile shone across her face.

A spike ran through his heart. His muscles refused to work as she progressed towards him. His legs functioned about as well as they would in quicksand. He wanted to leap for joy, run to her, hold in his arms. But, at the same time, all he could remember was the way things had been left between them on the SR-1. Suffice to say, neither had moved on very well since their final argument.

And when she came to a stand still not a meter from him, his voice was colder than intended, brown eyes tinged ruby with cybernetics. "Ashley."

"Shepard," Ashley's tone matched. The warmth in her gaze long gone, she noted, "You look pale."

"You look pregnant." He countered, flatly.

Her lips pulled back in a snarl, but her voice remained even. "You look like you fell asleep in the urinal at Chora's Den."

"You look like you bathed in the dumpster behind the abortion clinic on Omega."

"You look like the kid that got scabies for Hanukkah."

Apparently, she hadn't missed his new scars.

"You look like the slutty one from Blasto 2."

Ashley paused. "The asari?"

A wolfish smirk wormed its way across his thin lips, his black brows furrowed. "The vorcha."

His former lover lunged, striking any inch of him she could reach. "You take that back, you son of a bitch! Take that back!"

And then her wrist was in his hand, her breath so close to his cheek. She smelled like cinnamon and gunpowder. It was so tantalizing.

"I wanna taste you…I wanna lick you 'til you weep." Shepard blinked, surprised with his own slip. Maybe, just maybe, they could turn this conversation around. So he searched for a question any friend would have. "How's your acid reflux?"

At nearly the same moment Ashley asked, "How's your HPV?"

"It's your HPV, Ashley." Shepard corrected. "I'm just carrying it."

"Oh, let's not have another chicken or the egg debate, Jason!"

"No, let's. Chicken."

"Egg."

"Chicken!"

"Egg!"

"Chicken!"

"Egg!"

"Chicken!"

"Egg!"

A heavy silence hung between them. Tension so thick, Kasumi's dagger could have sliced it in half. No one moved. The squad hung back, eyes wide as the breathing between the former lovers slowed back to a normal pace.

Tentatively, Shepard raised a finger, and ran it across the marine's cheek. She was still so beautiful. Yet, here she was, breaking his heart all over again. "Your flesh, slick with cocoa butter…it haunts me."

Tears swelled in her umber eyes. She swallowed forcefully. How Shepard could play her heartstrings like a marionette was fully beyond his comprehension. Always had been. Ashley was strong and feisty. She must have been for the two years she didn't have him at her side.

She pushed the tears away. "How's Ashley?"

"Ashley's fine, Ashley," He whispered harshly.

A glint of disdain hardened her eyes once more, erecting her emotional barrier. "I can't believe you named your hamster Ashley."

Now it was his turn to seethe in anger. "I can't believe you sucked off that salarian for magic beans!"

Ashley recoiled as if he had struck her across the face. "He was a wizard, Shepard!"

His conflicting emotions reared their ugly heads once more.

"Shh." He finally urged, pressing a finger to her full lips. He was done arguing. He couldn't take the absence anymore. He needed to forgive her. "I want to be on you. In you. I want to be aaaaaaaaall over your chin."

His finger paused on its umpteenth loop around her mouth. And he asked with a sweet smile, "Do you still like crème brulee?"

Her lower lip trembled. "Do you still like fingers in your butthole?"

She remembered. Of course she remembered.

His throat constricted heavily around his words. "You know the answer is yes."

"Oh, Jason," She hiccupped.

"Ashley." His hand cupped the side of her face.

"Shepard…" Williams' voice broke as she pressed her cheek into his palm. "I want to get over you."

"I want to give you a hickey on your vagina."

And then he kissed her. Kissed her like he never had before. Passion and two years of longing wrapped into one act of lips, tongues, and teeth.

But then, she pulled away, and pressed her lips to his ear, barely suppressing her sobs. "You already have, Shepard. You already have."

And without another word, she made an about face to leave. Before she could slip from his grasp forever, she looked over her shoulder, "I'll see you in temple."

"Not if I see you fi-!" But before he could finish, she was gone, ducking away into the nearest housing unit. He slammed his broken rifle into the dirt.

Silence. That's all there was for several moments until one brave soul stepped forwards.

"I'm no Romeo, guys, but I know what love is. It's an over the jeans rub and tug during your first AA meeting. And if I was in your shoes, Shepard, I would climb Dick Mountain mouth first just to get her back." Jacob rallied his teammates, "Are we gonna let that foxy little thing run willy-nilly out of this boy's life?"

"No!" The squad chorused.

"Or are we gonna help the commander take that sweet ass to Pound Town?"

"Yeah!" They cheered.

Jacob turned back to Shepard, "When does Miranda relieve you on the Normandy?"

A mental clock ran through the commander's mind. "Not until five."

Kasumi volunteered at once. "I'll cover you until three!"

Grunt raised his fist. "I've got three to five!"

Shepard passed Jacob his helmet. For the first time since he'd woken up, he felt something akin to joy. "Thank you."

"Shh. Don't be a bitch about it. Now go get her, son!"

A/N: I AM SO SORRY!

I think my brain vomited, swallowed it, and then threw up a little bit more. Explanation: This is definitely a giant play off my 2nd favorite Movie 43 scene with Emma Stone, and then I really wanted to write this into Mass Effect just because I needed a laugh. Ashley felt like the best choice for this. I apologize for the quality and sheer lack of effort. I just needed to splurge. I hope I at least amused you.

And for those of you who are reading my Chronicles of a Hellhound story, no, this has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with the real Shepard in my story. They don't even look the same haha. But for reals, the next chapter of Chronicles of a Hellhound should be up today, or tomorrow at latest.