A/N: So, after DH, Reem and I got to talking about Dudley and, in particular, what would happen if he had magical babehs. That lead to 'what if he married a witch?' And that lead to 'which witch is which?'
We decided that Luna would be the most amusing by far, and I've developed a love for this ship rather quickly. So, for your reading pleasure, a Luna/Dudley oneshot.
Also, I invented some new creatures for Luna to believe in. o Making up random names is quite fun.
Harry Potter copyright JK Rowling and subsequent publishers (Bloomsbury and Scholastic, I believe?)
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A tired-looking Dudley Dursley entered a small, typically uninteresting gas station. There were several nasty looking stains on the walls, and it certainly didn't seem any cleaner for it. Neither did the greasy looking attendant servicing the customers. Dudley looked at him with disgust evident on his still young but slightly chubby face.
That year had been particularly trying for him. The economy had been suffering and he had suffered a severe pay-cut at his job at Grunnings. 'Terribly sorry, Dudley, m'boy,' his father had told him. He scowled at the memory. To make matters worse not even a month after that, his girlfriend had left him. It was something about him being too… chubby (he cushioned the blow a bit, she had been far ruder) for her to be with him unless he was rolling in dough.
'She was such a lovely girl!' Or at least that's what his mother had said, quite distraught that his completely normal girlfriend had left him. Dudley wasn't too beat-up about it, however, he assured himself as he looked through the gas station food stuff. Their selection was abysmal.
He sighed, looking down to his rotund belly. Patting it, his face adopted a fully displeased expression as it jiggled. …He really wasn't that big… was he?
His stomach suddenly gave a loud gurgle. Dudley frowned at it. Should he? He paused, looking over to the mostly greasy snacks lined up on the wall. After a moment's hesitation, he finally decided on a bag of potato chips.
At least they were baked.
With a bemused expression, he read the nutrition facts as he approached the cash register, quite unaware of the collision course with the magazine rack he was headed towards. It wasn't until he heard a small amused laugh that he looked up, nose inches from the hard metal of the rack.
Surprised at suddenly having a magazine rack so close to his face, it took him a moment to back away and figure out who had giggled. It had been a wholly strange looking girl. She wore some of the oddest things that Dudley had ever seen, and he had lived with a wizard for the majority of his life.
The girl was wearing things that looked like small radishes in her ears, and what appeared to be an entire necklace made out of bottle caps. Aside from that, she was wearing a 'bag' dress with unattached baggy sleeves that were tight around the shoulders and wrists. And, also, for some odd reason, a gigantic hoopskirt that nearly knocked down the rack she was leaning over. But, even if that wasn't strange enough, she was also wearing the most peculiar thing on top of her head. Like some sort of leather headdress had gone horribly wrong.
Bewildered, he allowed his jaw to fall open. He couldn't seem to shut it, either, even as she laughed again at whatever she had been looking at on the magazine rack. He leaned over, to see what exactly was so funny, managing to slam his mouth shut with some force.
The strange girl had been giggling at some sort of ridiculous tabloid magazine, its headline being 'Creeperman strikes again! – Three asleep!' And, an even more absurd article was touted lower on the cover: 'Ketchup the work of the devil? More on page 17!'
Dudley smirked at this. Creeperman? Honestly, he could see why this girl found it so amusing. Though, at a glance, he would have thought she would be the sort of girl to believe in such nonsense. "Silly, isn't it?" he said casually to the girl.
"Oh, yes," the girl said brightly, turning to face Dudley. She had a dreamy quality that seemed to emanate to everything around her. Perhaps it was because of this, but Dudley actually found her, well, he wouldn't say attractive but… she was nice to look at, at least. "I find the idea of a Creeperman most ridiculous."
"I think so, too," Dudley said idly, noticing that the girl picked up the tabloid magazine, anyway.
She nodded zealously, "It's clearly the work of an Urglelont," she continued, moving towards the checkout with the magazine in tow. Looking utterly confused, the Dursley took a moment before following after the odd girl. What was an Urglelont?
He asked her so, too, as the greasy man at the counter rang the magazine up. She just smiled again, "The Urglelont is a toad-like creature that secretes a fine powder that can put anything to sleep once contact has been made." She said this in a sage-like manner, raising her index finger as though to make a point.
The man behind the counter merely rolled his eyes, as though he got people like this all the time. With a bored look he handed the girl her magazine back.
Dudley reacted completely differently. He was, of course, surprised at such an insane idea. Clearly something that strange couldn't exist… could it? It didn't seem so impossible, the more he thought about it. Not stranger than wizards and witches and those – those things that had tried to suck his soul out.
He shuddered at the memory.
However, he was quickly snapped out of his musings as he noticed that the girl had begun walking out of the gas station. Hurriedly, he followed after her. He wasn't quite sure why, but he wanted to know more about her, and maybe more about that org-orgl-ur thing she had mentioned.
Dudley was in such a fuss that he had forgotten he was still carrying the baked chips, and the man at the counter yelled at him to get back there and pay for them. He did no such thing, but instead chucked the chips back at the man, dearly hoping that they would make contact with his face.
"Er, w-wait!" he cried, breathless from chasing her even the little bit of distance from the gas station to its parking lot.
The abnormal girl stopped in her tracks, clearly waiting for whatever Dudley had to say. Now that she had paused, however, he wasn't exactly sure what to say, and had to grapple with his words. "Er, uh, well… What's your name?" he finally blurted out.
"Luna Lovegood," she replied dreamily, turning around to face Dudley. "I live in St. Ottery Catchpole." The chubby young man looked surprised at the second comment, and Luna seemed to notice this for she added, "In case you'd like to know."
Dudley flubbed his words after this. "Ub your… your number?" he attempted to ask for the number of the girl his parents never would have approved of.
"I don't have one," Luna said, looking curiously at Dudley, "Are you people numbered?"
Dudley blinked at this odd statement. "No, I mean your phone number," he said, not understanding the mix-up in his terminology.
Luna looked just as confused as Dudley for a moment before looking as though she understood. "O-oh! I don't have one," she repeated.
"Y-you don't have one?" Dudley repeated, looking thoroughly shocked. Who didn't have a phone nowadays?
The girl called Luna shook her head, "Though, I'm sure I'll find a way of contacting you…," she paused, waiting for Dudley to insert his name into the blank.
"Dudley!" he nearly shouted, before lowering his tone, "Dudley Dursley."
"Dudley," Luna repeated, as though thinking deeply about his name. "You best watch out for Dimpering Isigots. They attack people with 'D' names, you know."
"Uh," the young man with a 'D' name was lost for words, "O-okay?"
"Wonderful! I'll see you soon, Dudley Dursley!" Luna waved to him before walking, or rather nearly skipping, away from the gas station.
Dudley stared after her for a full five minutes, until she disappeared completely from his sight (though he thought that perhaps she had disappeared too soon). He frowned, wondering how exactly Luna would get in contact with him.
With a shrug, he headed back into the gas station. He still wanted those chips, after all.