Author's notes: An AU fic! You just know that they're the best kind,
especially when everyone is written so much more strangely than they really
are. In this one the Cigarette Smoking Man isn't dead, and neither is
Krycek. Mulder was never abducted, and Doggett just showed up for some
other reason. But everyone is sort of the same...
Rating explanation: I never know what to rate these things. I might have been able to get away with PG. Then again, maybe it should have been R. If you don't like the word sex, you won't like this. And there's a little Slash fun for everyone.
Why, Thank you!: Sorry, but I can't remember if thankyou is two words or one (thus the two alternatives. I think it depends on which country you're living in). But that's really not the point. I'd like to send out happy thoughts to Raberba girl, M. T. T., rarachie (which reminds me of a Pokémon, but in a nice way), Pachelbel, Cypherwulf and Spike_obsessed who all read my strange little fic about Spike (the B:TVS boy) performing "The Sound of Music" by himself in the first two days after I posted it. It's at http://fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=463963, by the way. And also, big love to Jade, for reading the ramblings that is the first chapter of Road Trip. These thanks are waaay too long.
Disclaimer: I don't usually do one of these. I just thought that I'd mention that I am the owner of no gameshows, or any of the characters from the X-Files which I may have used in an unkind way. ^_^
Edited 11/29/01: I fixed up a few minor mistakes, but if anyone notices more just mention it in a review.
***
Mulder and Scully were sitting next to each other on Mulder's sofa watching Wheel of Fortune. Scully had just gotten the third phrase right, long before any of the contestants had shown any sign of figuring it out.
"You know Scully, you should give this show a go", suggested Mulder, patting her stylish hair affectionately. "You're truly very good at it."
"I just don't think that's possible", Scully replied sadly. "I'd get too nervous being on television, and I wouldn't know any of the answers."
"Oh well", said Mulder. "You know what we should do, Scully?"
"No, what?" asked Scully, intrigued.
"I think we should have sex!" Mulder exclaimed.
Scully gasped in surprise.
"Please can we have sex, Scully?" Mulder pleaded anxiously.
"Oh, Mulder", sighed Scully. "I thought you'd never ask!"
Scully jumped on Mulder's lap, but before anything naughty could happen Mulder's door burst open and Skinner came running into the room.
"Mulder, my gerbil's go... um, hello Scully", Skinner said, suddenly becoming nervous. "I didn't think that anyone else would be here. Why are you here, Scully?"
"Mulder and I were just having some personal fun", said Scully proudly.
"Oh, okay", said Skinner. "I'll come back later."
But before anyone could leave Mulder's apartment, someone in a matching pink bra and panties set and a clear plastic raincoat came sprinting through Mulder's still-open door at an incredible rate.
"Hellooooo, everybody", shouted Doggett. "You're just the three people I was looking for!"
"Hello, Doggett", said Mulder, slightly annoyed that yet another person had stopped him and Scully from doing the wild thing in a sexual way.
"Good stuff, this is", said Doggett, gesturing to his fancy outfit of pink and clear plastic. "There's certainly nothing stingy about it."
"No, indeed there is not", agreed Skinner, looking Doggett up and down. "There certainly is not..."
"Ew!", screamed Doggett. "I don't like you in that way!"
And with that Doggett leapt back out the door and galloped off, but not in the direction that he came from.
"I better go after him", said the Skin-man.
Which he did, all the while calling, "Dooooggeeeeett! Come out, come out, where ever you are!"
"No way!" Doggett yelled back. "I'm not coming out ever! Because I'm not gay! I just like wearing little pink outfits."
The two FBI dudes disappeared around a corner far, far away.
Scully sighed. "I'm glad that they're gone", she said. "Now we can get back to what we were doing before."
Mulder giggled excitedly, and started to mack on Scully so fast that she just couldn't believe it. But sadly it just wasn't to be. The door that Skinner had again left open was soon the place where someone else was visible.
"Here I am!" said Krycek, walking through the door. He sat down on the sofa next to Scully and Mulder who had again stopped the exciting goings on which had recommenced following the departure of Skinner and Doggett.
Krycek sighed, and rested his head on the back of the sofa. He turned to Mulder.
"Hey Mulder", Krycek said sadly, and sighed again. "I'm feelig a little upset right now."
"That's really unfortunate, Krycek", replied Mulder, gritting his teeth. "But I'm a little busy with Scully right now.
Krycek lifted his head a little, and noticed that Scully was sitting on Mulder's lap.
"Hey, Scully", Krycek said sadly, and sighed a third time.
"Hi, Krycek", replied Scully. "Can I ask why you're here?"
"Yeah, you can ask", said Krycek. "Go ahead."
"Why are you here?" questioned Scully.
"Well, whenever I feel bad", Krycek began, "Mulder just helps me out by making me feel... good."
"That's enough!" yelled Mulder, standing up. As Scully was still on his lap she fell to the floor.
"What is he talking about, Mulder?" Scully asked slowly.
"Get out!" Mulder shouted, ignoring Scully's question. He then turned to her. "It's just the lies of a killer!"
"Mulder, how could you?" cried Krycek. "I thought you had special feelings for me!"
Krycek began to sob loudly, then got up from the sofa and began to kick Mulder in various places. Then he took a step back (Mulder had gotten into one of those karate poses) and pulled out his gun from god-knows-where.
"So, Agent Mulder", Krycek said quietly, "you think that you can toy with my feelings in this way, do you?"
Mulder and Scully both slowly raised their hands above their heads.
"Now calm down", said Mulder, trying to set the example by sounding calm himself, but not really succeeding.
"Oh, I'll calm down", said Krycek oh-so-evilly.
And he did. Before Mulder and Scully could figure out what exactly was going on Krycek had sprinted from the room, all the while screaming about how he's so never coming back to give Mulder that special feeling again.
'Dammit!' thought Mulder. 'I love it when Krycek gives me the special feeling. Oh well, he'll probably come back anyway, he never can keep away from me.'
But what he said out loud to Scully was, "Gee, I'm really glad he's gone."
"Me too", Scully replied. "I'm glad he's stopped talking shit about you."
"Uh, yeah. Shit", said Mulder nervously. "That is so what it was."
"Do you want to get back to our previous fun?" Scully asked.
Mulder nodded vigorously, and jumped on the sofa, shortly followed by Scully. They were feeling around and fooling around, but these actions could only go so far because it was at this moment that the wheelchair- bound Cigarette Smoking Man decided to wheel through Mulder's front door.
Mulder again leapt to his feet (Scully had luckily decided not to sit on him this time), and pulled out his... gun.
"What the hell do you want?" Mulder yelled, waving his gun about in a maniacal manner. "And aren't you dead?"
"I've just come to tell you one thing", said Smokey. "Well, actually it's two things. The first is that while the viewing public did believe that I was killed when Alex Krycek pushed me down the stairs in the season seven finale, there is no way that you could know about this event, and therefore you should not be too shocked to see me here after all of the other times I showed up. The second thing I have to tell you, which is actually why I'm here, is that Mulder... I'm you're father."
"Really?" Mulder asked, tears welling in his eyes.
"Yes", said Smokey. "I really am."
"But I hate you!" Mulder yelled. "I hate, hate, hate you!"
"That really has no effect on the circumstances", the smoking one replied.
"I have so many questions", began Mulder, choking back a sob.
"That will really have to wait for another time", the cancerous dude said, beginning to wheel back out the door. "There's somewhere else I have to be."
As the Cigarette Smoking Man left, Mulder sat back on the sofa next to Scully.
"You know, I don't feel like having sex now", Mulder told her as she got up to close the door. "No offence."
"None taken", Scully replied. "I think I'd rather watch TV, anyway."
"That's a good idea", said Mulder, and switched the television on. All of the usual pretty moving pictures appeared.
"Is this what I think it is?" asked Scully, and Mulder nodded.
"Yay!" they both screamed really, really loudly. "Survivor!"
Rating explanation: I never know what to rate these things. I might have been able to get away with PG. Then again, maybe it should have been R. If you don't like the word sex, you won't like this. And there's a little Slash fun for everyone.
Why, Thank you!: Sorry, but I can't remember if thankyou is two words or one (thus the two alternatives. I think it depends on which country you're living in). But that's really not the point. I'd like to send out happy thoughts to Raberba girl, M. T. T., rarachie (which reminds me of a Pokémon, but in a nice way), Pachelbel, Cypherwulf and Spike_obsessed who all read my strange little fic about Spike (the B:TVS boy) performing "The Sound of Music" by himself in the first two days after I posted it. It's at http://fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=463963, by the way. And also, big love to Jade, for reading the ramblings that is the first chapter of Road Trip. These thanks are waaay too long.
Disclaimer: I don't usually do one of these. I just thought that I'd mention that I am the owner of no gameshows, or any of the characters from the X-Files which I may have used in an unkind way. ^_^
Edited 11/29/01: I fixed up a few minor mistakes, but if anyone notices more just mention it in a review.
***
Mulder and Scully were sitting next to each other on Mulder's sofa watching Wheel of Fortune. Scully had just gotten the third phrase right, long before any of the contestants had shown any sign of figuring it out.
"You know Scully, you should give this show a go", suggested Mulder, patting her stylish hair affectionately. "You're truly very good at it."
"I just don't think that's possible", Scully replied sadly. "I'd get too nervous being on television, and I wouldn't know any of the answers."
"Oh well", said Mulder. "You know what we should do, Scully?"
"No, what?" asked Scully, intrigued.
"I think we should have sex!" Mulder exclaimed.
Scully gasped in surprise.
"Please can we have sex, Scully?" Mulder pleaded anxiously.
"Oh, Mulder", sighed Scully. "I thought you'd never ask!"
Scully jumped on Mulder's lap, but before anything naughty could happen Mulder's door burst open and Skinner came running into the room.
"Mulder, my gerbil's go... um, hello Scully", Skinner said, suddenly becoming nervous. "I didn't think that anyone else would be here. Why are you here, Scully?"
"Mulder and I were just having some personal fun", said Scully proudly.
"Oh, okay", said Skinner. "I'll come back later."
But before anyone could leave Mulder's apartment, someone in a matching pink bra and panties set and a clear plastic raincoat came sprinting through Mulder's still-open door at an incredible rate.
"Hellooooo, everybody", shouted Doggett. "You're just the three people I was looking for!"
"Hello, Doggett", said Mulder, slightly annoyed that yet another person had stopped him and Scully from doing the wild thing in a sexual way.
"Good stuff, this is", said Doggett, gesturing to his fancy outfit of pink and clear plastic. "There's certainly nothing stingy about it."
"No, indeed there is not", agreed Skinner, looking Doggett up and down. "There certainly is not..."
"Ew!", screamed Doggett. "I don't like you in that way!"
And with that Doggett leapt back out the door and galloped off, but not in the direction that he came from.
"I better go after him", said the Skin-man.
Which he did, all the while calling, "Dooooggeeeeett! Come out, come out, where ever you are!"
"No way!" Doggett yelled back. "I'm not coming out ever! Because I'm not gay! I just like wearing little pink outfits."
The two FBI dudes disappeared around a corner far, far away.
Scully sighed. "I'm glad that they're gone", she said. "Now we can get back to what we were doing before."
Mulder giggled excitedly, and started to mack on Scully so fast that she just couldn't believe it. But sadly it just wasn't to be. The door that Skinner had again left open was soon the place where someone else was visible.
"Here I am!" said Krycek, walking through the door. He sat down on the sofa next to Scully and Mulder who had again stopped the exciting goings on which had recommenced following the departure of Skinner and Doggett.
Krycek sighed, and rested his head on the back of the sofa. He turned to Mulder.
"Hey Mulder", Krycek said sadly, and sighed again. "I'm feelig a little upset right now."
"That's really unfortunate, Krycek", replied Mulder, gritting his teeth. "But I'm a little busy with Scully right now.
Krycek lifted his head a little, and noticed that Scully was sitting on Mulder's lap.
"Hey, Scully", Krycek said sadly, and sighed a third time.
"Hi, Krycek", replied Scully. "Can I ask why you're here?"
"Yeah, you can ask", said Krycek. "Go ahead."
"Why are you here?" questioned Scully.
"Well, whenever I feel bad", Krycek began, "Mulder just helps me out by making me feel... good."
"That's enough!" yelled Mulder, standing up. As Scully was still on his lap she fell to the floor.
"What is he talking about, Mulder?" Scully asked slowly.
"Get out!" Mulder shouted, ignoring Scully's question. He then turned to her. "It's just the lies of a killer!"
"Mulder, how could you?" cried Krycek. "I thought you had special feelings for me!"
Krycek began to sob loudly, then got up from the sofa and began to kick Mulder in various places. Then he took a step back (Mulder had gotten into one of those karate poses) and pulled out his gun from god-knows-where.
"So, Agent Mulder", Krycek said quietly, "you think that you can toy with my feelings in this way, do you?"
Mulder and Scully both slowly raised their hands above their heads.
"Now calm down", said Mulder, trying to set the example by sounding calm himself, but not really succeeding.
"Oh, I'll calm down", said Krycek oh-so-evilly.
And he did. Before Mulder and Scully could figure out what exactly was going on Krycek had sprinted from the room, all the while screaming about how he's so never coming back to give Mulder that special feeling again.
'Dammit!' thought Mulder. 'I love it when Krycek gives me the special feeling. Oh well, he'll probably come back anyway, he never can keep away from me.'
But what he said out loud to Scully was, "Gee, I'm really glad he's gone."
"Me too", Scully replied. "I'm glad he's stopped talking shit about you."
"Uh, yeah. Shit", said Mulder nervously. "That is so what it was."
"Do you want to get back to our previous fun?" Scully asked.
Mulder nodded vigorously, and jumped on the sofa, shortly followed by Scully. They were feeling around and fooling around, but these actions could only go so far because it was at this moment that the wheelchair- bound Cigarette Smoking Man decided to wheel through Mulder's front door.
Mulder again leapt to his feet (Scully had luckily decided not to sit on him this time), and pulled out his... gun.
"What the hell do you want?" Mulder yelled, waving his gun about in a maniacal manner. "And aren't you dead?"
"I've just come to tell you one thing", said Smokey. "Well, actually it's two things. The first is that while the viewing public did believe that I was killed when Alex Krycek pushed me down the stairs in the season seven finale, there is no way that you could know about this event, and therefore you should not be too shocked to see me here after all of the other times I showed up. The second thing I have to tell you, which is actually why I'm here, is that Mulder... I'm you're father."
"Really?" Mulder asked, tears welling in his eyes.
"Yes", said Smokey. "I really am."
"But I hate you!" Mulder yelled. "I hate, hate, hate you!"
"That really has no effect on the circumstances", the smoking one replied.
"I have so many questions", began Mulder, choking back a sob.
"That will really have to wait for another time", the cancerous dude said, beginning to wheel back out the door. "There's somewhere else I have to be."
As the Cigarette Smoking Man left, Mulder sat back on the sofa next to Scully.
"You know, I don't feel like having sex now", Mulder told her as she got up to close the door. "No offence."
"None taken", Scully replied. "I think I'd rather watch TV, anyway."
"That's a good idea", said Mulder, and switched the television on. All of the usual pretty moving pictures appeared.
"Is this what I think it is?" asked Scully, and Mulder nodded.
"Yay!" they both screamed really, really loudly. "Survivor!"