Between the Bars ~ a world to return to
By Any Unborn Child
(A/N: Set some time after the epilogue. May contain spoilers. I own nothing.)
Impossibile arrivare al vero segreto se non ci si accorge di tutto l'amore
It is impossible to get to the real secret if you do not realize all of the love
The dim lights above the heads of those who sat in The Lotus Cafe cast elongated shadows along the tile floor. In the air there was a hint of the ready-to-order and delightful ingredients wafting from the kitchen and the cold chill that had formerly been outside, trying to escape into the bar/restaurant through the rafters. Fai could feel the chill along his arms, almost immediately goosebumps taking hold of them and not wanting to let go. He tried to rub them off, furiously, but they remained for a short while after.
He wasn't doing too well.
Fai had some time, while Kurogane, Syaoran, and Mokona were busy doing their own thing, to come down to the quaint little coffee shop and spend some time by himself. He didn't have anything better to do, so why not? There were others in the café, but not too many that sitting in the comfy chair holding a little cup of tea suddenly became an activity too claustrophobic for comfort. Soft jazz and international music seeped through the speakers around the area, filling his head with nothing but white noise, something to lay back and enjoy without having to think about it much.
He had been trying to blend in with the white noise, to think of nothing and do nothing without having to worry about the repercussions. It wasn't working.
The past couple of days, he had been unusually nostalgic. He had been thinking about the memories of days gone by. Mostly, those memories had involved Kurogane.
How did he go so far?
All he had to do was think about it and it all came flooding back. Like a recording permanently on repeat, the memories of their interactions began to play back in the crevices of his mind – all of the close encounters with death that they shared; all the nicknames that he had given the warrior; all the revelations and secrets that had been revealed. Everything that made their (supposed) relationship a huge mess. Even though he had wanted to move on from the past, and had a lot of time and practice to do it, it still kept coming back. In flickers and shocks it came, jolting his system – his eyes would go wide as the scenes displaying his perceived foolishness playing out before him, never seeming to end, never seeming to stop.
Had he pushed Kurogane too far? Why hadn't he seen him in all this time? Was he disgusted by him? It was those moments that made Fai cringe. He wasn't used to being so upfront with him – it was definitely a process that took a while – but he managed. Things were improving though.
Everything seemingly felt calm, hopefully not for a short time, but hopefully as he was alive, and for Syaoran, Sakura, and Kurogane too. He hoped that maybe they would meet again and catch up and remember the good times they had, and make new ones as well. He knew that Syaoran and Sakura were happy; he knew that Mokona was as sweet as can be, even after all they've been through, and he knew that Kurogane still was the cynic that he always was, and who he always admired.
Who he always admired….
Who he always admired….
There was something hidden in that thought. Something that he had felt all along but never said. Something that needed to be said.
Something that needed to be said.
Something that had to be in the open.
Something to be the truth and nothing but.
Something that had to be set free or else it would be taken to the grave.
No.
That wouldn't happen.
He hadn't said anything before – he certainly implied the attraction in more ways than one, but he hadn't acted on it. He wryly smiled at the thought.
If he were to say it…out loud…that he loved…what would he do in return, in response to the overbearing confession?
Would he reject him?
Would he beat him up?
Would he walk out, never to be seen again?
Would he….would Kurogane…
Love him back?
All at once his body began to respond to these thoughts, these foolish wishes of whimsy. His eyes widened again. His breath suddenly hitched in his throat. His hands became clammy and started to shake. He put his cup of tea down on the table in front of him, but his hands continued to shake and writhe. He felt a painful stab at his heart, as if something…or someone…was trying to grab whatever was left of his soul and twist it out of his body.
He grasped his chest, and tried to take a breath. And another. And another. And another. And another.
With this repetition, he eventually calmed down. His hands stopped shaking, and his body soon returned to its original, thoughtful, wistful, lonely state.
Thank goodness he didn't make a scene.
Fai inwardly sighed to himself. He nearly had a panic attack, and he still was thinking about the opinions of others.
Opinions.
That's all they were.
Fai looked out towards the husky windows – the sun was just about to set, bordering on dusk and dawn, the twilight of night becoming imminent. But not too imminent.
There was still time.
Time to think.
Time to reflect.
Time to ponder on what to do next.
Fai linked his hands behind his head and leaned back. Just a little. His orbs locked onto the ceiling as he contemplated his next course of action.
Maybe…if he got the chance…he would tell Kurogane how he felt about him.
How he loved it when Kurogane got really annoyed with his silly antics.
How determined and protective Kurogane was when he was doing battle.
How his sense of honor and loyalty towards their companions (though they were minus one at the moment) made him truly admirable in his eyes.
How…he couldn't imagine living without him.
At that last thought, Fai smiled.
Yeah…maybe he would.
He looked at the slowly cooling tea in front of him. There was still a stream of mist coming from the little cup, though. If he had a sip of it, it would still be warm, just not flaming hot as it was when he first got it.
Fai took his cup of tea, and put the cup to his lips. He slowly, but surely, let the warm and satisfying liquid coat his throat, tending to the words that had been left unsaid for so long.
It was all right if he wanted to express his feelings.
It was all right if he wanted to let the man that he…loved…know how he felt about him.
It was all right to let him know that he loved him with all his heart and didn't worry about what would happen afterwards.
In the end…
Everything was going to be all right.
Soon Fai was finished with the tea, and set his cup onto the saucer it came on. He stood up, brushed himself off, and set off on his way.
For the first time in a long time, he felt unbelievable calm.
The cold air that brushed against him didn't bother him as much anymore.
Fin