Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came
It felt like the everything was weighing down on my shoulders. Everything was my fault. Johnny and Dally dying because of me. Darry hates me, and Soda doesn't seem to understand me anymore. My world is crashing down on me.
They say that everyone is in charge of making their own actions, but tonight I felt as though something possessed me to do what I had to do. All the thoughts of the past year raced through my mind. My parents getting in the car accident that caused their death because i wanted them home. I was sick and wanted my Mama. Its my fault they were at that intersection when the drunken driver crashed into them.
If I were to listen to Darry and used my head more often, I wouldnt of fallen asleep in the Lot with Johnny. I wouldn't of came home late, making him mad enough to yell at me. Than Sodapop wouldn't of stuck up for me, making Darry even more mad. I wouldn't of snapped at him causing him to hit me. I didn't give him an option not too. I shouldn't of yelled at him. I should have just let him yell... If I didn't runaway and make Johnny go with me, he's still be here. If I didn't want to go to the park to calm down some, we wouldn't of been there when the Socs where there. The Socs wouldn't of tried to drown me. Johnny wouldn't need to protect me by killing Bob.
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
We wouldn't of had needed to go to Dally for his help. he would not have given up a heater and the money. He would not of told us where to hide. If I didn't smoke all those cancersticks, and made sure I took care of them instead of just letting them lye there. The Church wouldn't have burnt down. I wouldn't have felt the need to be a Hero and save those kids from the burning church. Johnny wouldn't of followed me in there and he wouldn't of broken his back. Dally wouldn't of had to pull him out and burn his arm trying to get Johnny out. The rumble never would have happened. Dally wouldn't have showed up to drag me the hospital to see Johnny. Johnny would never had died after telling me to Stay Gold.
Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God, he hears you
And pray to God, he hears you
"I'm sorry Johnny, I can't... I can't stay gold" I said to myself. My thoughts still running, Dally wouldn't have broke and he wouldn't of robbed that grocery store. He wouldn't of ran from the cops making them shoot him once he pulled his unloaded heater on them. I wiped away some of my tears. I wouldn't of gotten sick from exhaustion. Then Darry and Soda wouldn't be in debt with bills.
I slowly stood up from my bed. My legs shaking, I looked out my bedroom window and saw dark storm clouds rolling in. I went to my desk and grabbed my journal and pencil. I sat down and stared at the blank sheet of paper. How should I write this. I thought, I know that everyone would have a better life without me. I just casue pain and misery to everyone I love.
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Then something clicked in my head. I knew than what to write. I slowly put the pencil to the paper and wrote;
Dear Everyone,
I'm sorry I had to do this. It's the only way I can deal with all the death and despair I have caused. I love you Darry, Soda, Two-Bit, even you Steve. Steve promise me that you will keep Soda happy and be there for him be the brother he probably always wished he had. Two-Bit stay your drunken care-free self. Darry don't work yourself too hard, you have to be there for Soda. You won't have to worry about money as much once I'm gone. Sodapop...please try to understand why I had to do this. I'll miss you guys greatly but this will be for the better for everyone. I ain't ever going to forget the good times we had. But I just can't do this anymore. Putting on a brave face, a happy smile I can't do it. Ima go now and be with mama and papa, Johnny and Dally. I love you guys so much and I'm sorry for who finds me.
Love The Kid,
Ponyboy
I folded the note up and stood up feeling that some of the weight on my shoulders was lifted. I walked into the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror. My green-gray eyes looked so lifeless already. My face was sunken in from months of barely eating. My bleached blonde hair was back to its length before Johnny cut it, the natural Auburn color was fading back in. Not being able to look at myself anymore I turned away from the mirror and started to fill the bathtub with freezing water from the facet. I plug the drain and started to undress myself.
As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you begin to wonder why you came
I took the note and set it on the sink. I grabbed a box of replacement razors from the medicine cabinet. I took one out and got in the bathtub slowly. I shivered as I brought myself down into the freezing water. Turning off the water I sat there looking at one of the razors from the box. I slowly brought it to my main artery on my wrist and dug it in to my skin deeply. I kept it there and took a deep breath. I slowly dug it down my arm tracing the vien. Crying out in pain as I started to bleed badly. I then brought the razor to my other arm and did the same. Realizing that this was it I was done. No one was here to Save My Life. But I don't want that. Do I? I mean I will feel relief right... I closed my eyes hearing sounds of the blood dripping from my wrist into the bath water. Drip. Drip. Drip. I heard someone yell "Pony, I'm Home." but then I let the bloody water overcome me.
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
"Ponyboy! Ponyboy wake up!" I felt someone shake me opening up my eyes I saw Johnny and Dally frowning at me."Kid, why'd you do it. Why? You had so much to live for. It wasn't your time.."
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Hey guys. Well how'd you like it. This is my first fanfiction I have let anyone read. I hope you like it. This is a One-Shot. I might make this something more if you guys want it. I need to know if you like it or not so please review and be nice about it not really mean. I love you guys all and thank you by loving boyfriend Herdreamknight for telling me not to give up on writing this. Please Review everyone.