Title: Ikiru. Means "live/exist" in Japanese.
Summary: "It was painful. Painful to feel the angry looks burning holes in his back. Painful to be avoided in such an extent, he would do anything for some love. Painful to be alive." Kyo's lights gradually disappear, and he loses the fight against the darkness.
Warnings: Blood, self-harm, depression. Full of angst.
That monstrous child. He's cursed.
Those whispers had followed him all his life, trying to bring him down.
Never been up to any good. Always making trouble.
What had he ever done wrong? Well, sure, he had gotten into more than a couple of fights, and he did have problems with his temper… but was he really a bad person?
He's the cat. Stay away from him.
Was it his fault for being born? Was that his sin? Was it even considered a sin? He had often wondered why they hated him. He had never found a reason.
He had anger issues; he knew that, everyone knew that. He had lots of faults. But they had all hated him before that side of him had even showed. Hated since childhood. Even before his mother left him all alone.
Don't come near him.
It was painful. Painful to go through day after day, getting hateful words thrown at him. Painful to feel the angry looks burning holes in his back. Painful to be avoided in such an extent, he would do anything for some love. Painful to be alive.
But when everyone had walked out, Shishou had walked in. He had raised him, trained him in the doujo, maybe even loved him.
No, not loved him, that couldn't be right. It was because of Shishou's own grandfather, the former cat. It had to be his guilt. Kyo couldn't think of any other reason. One couldn't love someone like him.
Stupid cat.
Even when Kyo had sworn to himself that he would be stronger than Yuki, he could never beat him. He would never gain his freedom. Darkness had threatened to consume him at that point. He had been dangerously close to the edge of despair.
But then, Tohru had come around. She had brought light into his miserable life. After a while, he had found himself in love with the dense girl. Her kindness had given him a reason to live.
But of course, Yuki was the one for her. He was the damn rat, the one on top of the zodiac. The Prince, as some occasionally called him.
And Kyo? He wasn't even a part of that zodiac. He was hated, loathed, detested. A monster.
The rat was perfect, faultless, smart and strong. Everything the cat was not. Tohru would be much better off with Yuki, Kyo knew that. But even those thoughts couldn't erase his feelings for her. Nothing could.
Disgusting.
The words continued to penetrate his head, driving him crazy. He only wanted them to stop. The words was dripped in malice, poisoning his mind and pulling him further and further down in the darkness.
It seemed like all hope was crushed.
His mother was his first light. She had cared about him, or that was at least what he had thought at the time. Turns out she detested him so much, she took her own life. How empty he'd felt inside after that. How painful it was, when his own father accused him for killing her. Maybe he was right. Maybe all Kyo was… was a murderer?
Shishou was his second light. Kyo had always thought of him as the father he'd never had, and he still did. But he didn't deserve to be his son. He wasn't worthy. Some days when he was down, he found his thoughts wandering to Shishou. How he wished Shishou would actually love someone like him.
Tohru was his third light. He loved her. He really did. But she seemed so mesmerized by that damn rat. She cared about Kyo – that was at least what he hoped – but not enough. Not in the way Kyo wanted her to care.
Kyo's three lights had all been bleached. The darkness inside him had dulled their shine so much; they couldn't reach him at all anymore.
A slim blood trail tickled slowly down his arm. Kyo felt tears burn behind his closed eyes. He felt weak. Every time he did this, he felt so damn weak! Then why..? Why did he do this, time after time, every time depression threatened to take over his mind? His self-loathing got the best of him.
He lacked the strength. He wasn't strong enough to overcome the consuming pain. Besides, a monster didn't deserve any better. He deserved to feel the pain. Deserved every inch of the agony he brought upon himself. Especially after all the pain he'd inflicted on others, intentional or not.
Kyo knew he should stop now, just put away the damn knife and clean up the mess in his bedroom. But he can't. Why?
Because you are weak.
He swallowed hard, holding his tears back by sheer willpower. Pain, pain, pain. It was like his heart cracked a little more. The pocket knife slid anew.
The wound stung, but it was worse inside. The agony of his own thoughts tore his soul apart. No matter how many times he patched it together again, it was always ripped up in the end. Every time the pain became too much, he let the dark devour him.
Such stupidity.
He felt so… ugly. Unwanted. Useless. Unloved.
The knife dropped. Kyo grabbed his arm and squeezed .Hard. More blood oozed out, and left him dizzy. He turned his head to look at the clock. Two in the morning. He should go to bed.
Kyo stood up on shaking feet after grabbing a towel. The wound didn't really bleed that much, but the floor had gotten some stains. He needed to wipe it off before it dried and became permanent spots.
As usual, he had already armed himself for the clean-up. He wouldn't risk waking anyone up and get caught in the act by wandering around the house. Kyo felt blood soak the towel, and cursed under his breath. It would stop soon enough, though. It always stopped in the end, if he put enough pressure on the cut.
Suddenly, the guilt set in. Just for a second or two, but that was enough. The feeling had a strong presence, and settled in his gut like a heavy stone. In that moment, Kyo's feelings were intertwined in a terrible mess of right and wrong. The towel fell to the floor.
Shame.
Tears gathered in his eyes, but he refused to let them fall. The little dignity he had left wouldn't allow it. He quickly wiped the remaining blood of the floor, and opened the window. He couldn't let anyone get suspicious of the blood stench.
Kyo then proceeded to put the dirty towels and the little knife in an old shoe box, which he locked inside his closet. He would get rid of it tomorrow. Sighing, he sat down on his futon.
There was more pain now than ever.
I hope you liked this depressive piece… When I wrote this chapter, I actually attempted a little character analysis. I really wanted to go more in depth into Kyo's feelings, and portray him realistic at the same time. I hope I succeeded! Please tell me if there is something that bugs you, or if I didn't manage to keep Kyo in character. I would love to get feedback!
This will probably be a three-shot, and I'll try to update soon! Although I have to say; my productivity comes and goes, so don't expect too much from me… ^^;
~LaMindy