A/N: Soooo, you guys asked me for more Jean x Sasha and more you shall have ;) Oh, God, the two of them...I LOVE writing about them, they're so adorable together...and I'm in a sentimental mood these days, so here we are ;)
Once again, SPOILES for those who haven't read the manga.
The title is taken from a verse from the song "Right here" by Ashes Remain.
Disclaimer: I do not own Attack on Titan because if I did Jeansasha would be canon, hehe :P
The room in the training barracks is dead silent, filled only with the sounds the sleeping soldiers leave in their restless sleep. It's the second day after the Battle of Trost and the sealing of Wall Rose and everyone is exhausted from gathering the countless fallen, furious at their superiors for not letting them grieve their friends for now.
Only Jean, Connie, Bertholdt and, surprisingly, Sasha, are occupying the room. No one has questioned her presence, though, understanding her need to talk with Connie, her best friend and partner-in-crime, especially after the losses they suffered. Not that the other two would ever question her presence: Bertholdt seems to be closed in himself, surely feeling guilty for those he couldn't save and worried for Reiner and Annie, who are still roaming the streets with a squad leader or other, and Jean is lying on his bed without moving and without paying attention to anything around him. Eren can burst in the dorm in his Titan form for all he cares and it won't make any difference.
He's been like that for hours now, since he discovered Marco's pale and mauled corpse in a corner. No one knows when or how his friend died in that way; it happened quietly, without anyone noticing and probably no one will ever learn.
Maybe this is the final drop that has brought the usually combative Jean who has led his comrades through difficult obstacles in this catatonic state that has him staring at the dark ceiling. Not even when Sasha jolts up from her nightmare, bathed in sweat and trying to control her breathing, does he give any signs that he heard her.
The fifteen-year-old brunet girl needs a few seconds of looking around and listening to Connie's snoring coming from the bunk above her to realize where she is; that she is alive in Trost, that what she saw was a bad dream and that Connie isn't a Titan Shifter who ate her father. She rests her chin to her knees and hugs her legs, locking her eyes on the bunk next to the door, where Jean lies. His broken sight and the memory of how he told them about Marco brings tears in her eyes, some of them running down her cheeks as she remembers the freckled boy who always had a kind word for everyone and encouraged her to be herself despite everyone mocking her and considering her a goofy Potato Girl.
Jean sighing shakily brings her out of her thoughts and she spends a few moments wondering what she should do. Under other circumstances she would yell at him to get a grip and be strong for Marco's sake, to be in control of his emotions just like when he led all of them to the building of the Headquarters when all hope was lost. But she has no right to do that to someone who's mourning their best friend, not to mention that Jean will either ignore her completely or literally strangle her. On the other hand she can't idly lie there and ignore his drama; Jean may always tease her and laugh at her when she gets into trouble, but, in the end, they're both soldiers who have just witnessed the cruelty of the Titans and try to get over the emotional trauma.
Another shaky sigh helps her decide and she doesn't care how he'll react. She stands up, approaches him with quiet steps to not disturb Connie and Bertholdt and lies down next to him, curling like a cat by his side. She feels Jean turning slowly towards her, alerted of her presence by the shift on the bed…a soft gasp and then another movement, as if he averts his eyes from her to look at the ceiling again. Sasha waits for him to break the silence, to ask her what the hell she things she's doing or to tell her to go back to her own bed, but nothing of this happens and, when he finally speaks, he says the last thing she expects to hear.
"If you think that you have a right to pity me, I swear—"
"Pity? Pity?!" Sasha has to muster all her self-restrain to not yell at him like she had first thought; how on earth can he say something like that, doesn't he understand that all this has hurt her too, that he has friends who care about him? "That's what you think it is, pity?" No answer and she starts to despair, not knowing how to deal with this side of Jean and speaking purely out of instinct. "It's not pity, Jean, it's pain."
Pain for all those who died these past days, pain for the friends she lost, pain for those who mourn them right now. She quickly wipes her eyes to prevent more tears from falling; if she wants to give Jean courage, to make him understand that she knows what he's going through, she needs to be the strong one.
"Number one, mourning for your best friend doesn't make you weak, especially for someone like Marco. Number two, you can rely on others no matter how much you want to appear as cold and distant. And number three, I am not leaving tonight; I can stay silent, we can talk about Marco, whatever you want, but I'm not leaving."
She can feel that Jean is fighting with everything he has to not burst out and cry himself to sleep. Despite knowing that this is exactly what he needs and what will help him, she doesn't pressure him, realizing that only he can decide what can help him right now. In a sudden, he moves so she can lie more comfortably next to him, fingers burying themselves in her hair, gently caressing the chestnut brown strands. Now it's Sasha's turn to gasp, but the soothing movement relaxes her in an instant and she has the feeling that Jean isn't doing this only for his comfort, but also for hers; that he knows exactly that she's hurting too.
"Talk. I don't care about what, tell me a joke, talk to me about your village, I don't mind, just…just talk," he whispers in the end and, were the conditions different, Sasha would tease him mercilessly, since he used to say that her rambling was more exhaustive than the military training. Now, though, she doesn't comment on it, she only searches through her mind to find where to start, cuddles next to him and speaks in a sweet voice.
"My father started training me in archery when I was seven. I loved it, but I had to train for hours without break. He got really furious when I stopped practicing to go and grab something to eat, saying that I wouldn't eat anything for the rest of the week if I simply ate our hard-gained food," she chuckles fondly at the memory. "There were those girls who always made fun of me and my archery, saying I was just showing off…and the boys made fun of me as well and said that a brat who dreams only about eating had no place with those who trained to become hunters.
"And then there was this small feast we had every year in Dauper, with bonfires and music, when we children were allowed to stay up for as long as we wanted and there were different competitions. Everyone laughed at me when I asked to participate…until I beat all of them."
At that moment Sasha stops because there is a strange sound next to her…did Jean just chuckle? Despite his grief and his guilt, despite being like a walking dead, he's actually paying attention to her story? She can't help but smile widely and almost loses herself in her thoughts, but a gentle pull on her hair urges her to continue…and she narrates him something that has been plaguing her for years, something she's still beating herself up for.
"When people started leaving our village to cultivate the lands and solve the food shortage, I did act like a brat, you know. I kept yelling at my dad that hunting was part of our identity and I would never abandon it…that it was the others' fault to lose their hometowns to Titans," she confesses and now her voice shakes due to the qualms this causes her. "My father called me a scaredy cat and a girl who's too afraid to leave the forest and get along with others."
Jean doesn't speak, still too numb to react verbally to her words, but the way he caresses her hair is enough for Sasha to understand that he's not blaming her, that she shouldn't feel guilty, that it was normal for her to say that back then, since she saw her whole life being overthrown. Sasha almost smiles sadly at the tragic realization that she and Jean have that in common; after all, he also speaks constantly about living safely behind Wall Sina, without caring what's going on in the world. She wants to continue, but she hears Jean's breaths becoming calmer, more even and his grip on her hair relaxing…he's falling asleep.
I actually helped him sleep a little? She thinks and now a genuine smile appears on her face.
Now that she has achieved her goal she can go back to her own bed, but she finds herself unable to move, not to mention that she doesn't want to leave Jean alone; the wound is still too fresh for him. And so she lies calmly next to him, spontaneously wrapping an arm around his torso until sleep claims her too.
And even though the reality next morning hasn't changed and is equally dreadful, at least they have gained some hours of well-deserved sleep in each other's company.
Another night, another room, the same despair, added with agony for what tomorrow will bring.
Jean's hands are shaking as he exits the meeting hall in the Survey Corps Headquarters and makes his way to the corridor that leads to their rooms. He actually feels sick, as if he's going to faint at any moment now, and at the same time he shakes with rage and the urge to hit the wall next to him. The plan Commander Erwin, Captain Levi and Squad Leader Hanji have devised in order to go to Stohess and capture the Female Titan—Annie—is very smart and Armin has just brought the word 'genius' to a whole new level, having realized who she was when they encountered her. But right now he can't think about the plan or about the fact that tomorrow they will start setting the plan into motion to be ready for the Military Police's arrival; other thoughts are occupying his mind.
Annie had Marco's Maneuver Gear…but who's telling me that she took it after he died and not…?
The suspicion, the possibility that Annie has something to do with his best friend's passing makes him go crazy, as if everything he went through in the 57th Expedition isn't enough. The anger boils so intently inside him that it scares even him and he needs a life-line, something to hold on…someone who can help him through this storm.
His steps have automatically led him to Mikasa and Sasha's room and he hesitates before knocking, not wanting to disturb the Potato Girl. He recalls the last time she comforted him in her own way, talking to him about her childhood in Dauper and how her soft voice and her presence next to him had lulled him to sleep…and his mind makes its own decision as he quietly knocks on the door.
Sasha opens at once, obviously not yet asleep and yet clearly exhausted from the expedition and the tragic losses they have suffered for once more. Jean doesn't have to explain anything to her; it seems that he doesn't have to use words, that Sasha understands anyway. She only throws one look at his wild expression, at his difficult breathing, at the despair in his eyes and lets him in with a comforting smile and a pat on his shoulder. They sit next to each other on her bed, Jean with his hands folded on his lap and Sasha staring at him with those big eyes that give him warmth and faith.
And just like he pleaded her to talk to him about anything, he talks to her now. About the cheerful childhood he had with his sweet and loving mother—and the guilt stings him as he remembers how rude he was to her—how he loved her cooking and especially her omelets, how he played with the neighborhood kids and how some elder boys used to bully him as a child. Sasha doesn't interrupt him, lets him speak, although she wants to ask him what happened and he is so angry and troubled, what Commander Erwin wanted from them. She doesn't ask, though, giving him space and letting him talk about whatever he wants.
Hours later, when Mikasa leaves Eren and Armin to rest and enters the room she shares with Sasha, she finds her sleeping with Jean on her bed, Sasha's head resting on his chest and his arm around her shoulder. Jean looks way calmer than he was at the meeting, surely thanks to Sasha, that girl always has a way to lighten the hopelessness that overwhelms all of them these dark times. She lets them sleep and climbs on her own bunk to get some sleep on her own, knowing that a hard day awaits them tomorrow.
When Jean wakes up the next morning, a sudden unwillingness doesn't let him go: plan or not, right now he doesn't want to leave this moment, this warmth he feels with Sasha in his arms. Still, he must do his duty as a soldier and brace himself for everything that's going to happen; once he leaves this room, he has to keep his emotions in check. Still, when he hears Sasha mumbling sleepily just as he has stood up, barely opening her eyes, and he throws another look at her, not knowing when he will see her again, the unwillingness to leave lingers there.
"Jean…what...?"
"Shh," he whispers, serious, without smiling, without giving her false hopes and promises. "I…I have to go. You'll understand soon. Go back to sleep now, you need to rest."
"Jean, wait," she stops him by grabbing his hand and looking at him with fearful eyes, fully awake now…and she's afraid for him? "Just…be careful."
"I will," Jean nods and briefly squeezes her hand; he has no idea what the outcome will be, but that much he can promise her.
Being careful sometimes isn't enough, Sasha…but I'll do what's in my strength and even more.
Jean had always thought that, while the world is plagued by war and Titans and death, at least he could rely on his comrades: his friends, those who fight with him to free humanity and who know what it means to see everything around you crumble down, having only the others to trust.
But, of course, the cruel reality has to go and prove him wrong even on that.
And so he finds himself in a hideout with the rest of the Scouts...after reuniting with those who didn't come to Stohess…and after finding out that Annie wasn't the only suspicious face in the 104th Trainee Corps.
And the fact that Ymir is a freaking Titan Shifter too isn't even the worst.
No, Reiner and Bertholdt, two guys everyone trusted—especially Reiner, he was like a brother to all of them—have to be backstabbing traitors as well. Not only Titan Shifters, but the Armored and Colossal Titan respectively too, the ones who caused all this mess, who are responsible for so many tragedies, so much death.
Jean's right hand is balled in a tight fist and he clenches his teeth to not start yelling. It's the middle of the night, he can't sleep and the sound of the muffled sobs around him only adds fuel to his tensed nerves and the feeling of emptiness that crushes him like a wave. He had thought he was prepared for everything when he joined the Recon Corps…but not this, not this kind of betrayal.
"Jean?" a low voice sounds right next to him and after a few seconds he recognizes Sasha, but she sounds so different than the Sasha he knows. Now she sounds as if she has been crying for hours, as if today's revelation has vanished the courage she usually finds to encourage others in her unique way.
He silently makes room for her and she immediately lies next to him and rests her head on his shoulder, staining the shirt with her tears, but Jean sure as hell won't tell her anything about that. He lets her burst everything out, embracing her tightly and being strong and composed for her sake. It hurts him to see her like this, though, used to the Sasha who always had a joke and a witty comment ready.
"W-Why is this h-happening, Jean? R-Reiner…Bertholdt…why…why them, why the ones we all trusted, why isn't anything certain?!" she cries quietly and her hand grabs the front of his shirt, desperately searching for something that can be certain.
Jean wants to tell her that this is certain, this tendency to comfort each other at their breaking moments, to be there when they need it without the fear that they'll give the impression to be weak. Instead of speaking to her, though, he simply hugs her tighter and places a lingering kiss on her forehead to soothe her; Sasha sighs audibly, but relaxes in his embrace. He holds her as she continues crying and keeps holding her when her sobs cease and she falls asleep.
Betrayal, pain and battles are all around them, but right now Jean almost feels peaceful.
The next time they need each other's company, though, things seem to have reached their most dramatic point. Because none of them enlisted to the Scouts to fight other humans, for God's sake!
And now Armin is in shock, vomiting and trembling and barely speaking, unable to get over the fact that he has taken a human life, a girl's life, a girl who was only following orders.
Jean is once again plagued by qualms…it was his life Armin saved…instead of taking charge, he hesitated and Armin was forced to pull the trigger.
Sasha was keeping watch earlier, but now she is slumped against the wall of the barn where they found shelter, shaking as violently as Armin, refusing to eat and the tears leaving their traces on her cheeks.
And all because of him, Jean thinks as he stands up and leaves his comrades to go and find her, wanting to apologize to her for being such a coward, for scaring her like that. If he had reacted on time, right now he would be the only one to carry this burden.
Because of his hesitance, Armin will always feel the blood on his hands and Sasha is in shock…she's been through so much and now she almost lost the one who stands by her when she's too desperate to find faith in her jokes.
Sorry, Marco…You told me that my strength lies in my weakness...I guess I let my weakness overcome me this time…the weakness to shoot.
Seeing Sasha like that triggers something in him and now he almost turns around at the sight of her so broken…But then he remembers Connie and the angry Go-and-freaking-console-her-if-you-care-about-her glare he shot him previously. And so he kneels in front of her and takes her cold hands in his, caressing her knuckles, but it does little to calm both of them down…how on earth do you calm down when you were one step before death?
"Sasha…Sasha, I'm so sorry, I was a fool, a coward—"
"You survived," she interrupts him as if she still doesn't believe it, leaning towards him so that her cheek is pressed against his and her fingers gently run over his face, the loving movement making him shiver as he places a hand on the back of her neck. "Oh my God, you lived, you all lived, I-I was so scared, but you survived…"
"But Armin…"
"Armin saved your life, Jean, he chose to take the burden than letting you die because that would be a much bigger burden…You all lived, there's nothing more important than that…And I-I can't see anyone else die, Jean, I've seen too many d-die already, I c-can't...I can't lose you too, not you!"
Neither of them realizes who makes the first move, but in a sudden they lean towards each other and they are kissing, slowly and desperately at the same time, trying to say what they don't dare say with words. Jean's other hand buries itself in her ponytail and stays there, I'm sorry I terrified you, I'm sorry you had to see this, and Sasha caresses his cheek and grabs his arm with her own hands, It's okay, I don't blame you, I was just so scared, I'm so happy you're here now; and even if the whole world is destroyed around them, at least this is something certain.
"Please, Jean," she pleads him when they pull away for air and he smiles softly towards her, a true smile, "please don't die on me."
And as long as it's in his hands, Jean won't.
A/N: Oh these two, I'll never get tired of writing about them, I swear...Hope you liked it, guys, more one-shots will follow ;)