~Winter's Prince~

~{A Rewrite of "A Snowy Aisheteru"}~

It happened again today. It only seemed to happen when the snow fell. I don't think I'll ever understand why the white mounds command such violence. It's confusing…he's confusing. I've never been able to read Sasuke. I've never been able to predict his next move. Maybe that's what attracted me to him. Maybe that's why I dared to move in with him after the first year…Maybe that was my first mistake.

I love him. I think I always have but, I hate what he does to me. I hate the winter for changing him. Sasuke's mood changed with the seasons. I realized that after the first summer, where we lasted through to the fall. He was at his best in the spring. When he was with me, he allowed himself to have fun. He was content and happy. Winter was when he was the worst: harsh, frigid, and uncaring; ruthless. Thus, today's random act of aggression.

We woke up to a blizzard. Snow battered against the windows and piled atop the hills. I honestly didn't think there'd be any getting out of the house, it was so bad. I didn't mind but, Sasuke did. I don't remember how or why but, we started arguing about something that intensified the more the flakes fell. Like a snow drift weighing down on a tree branch, there was only so much pressure it could take before it snapped.

I really wouldn't call our relationship abusive. I'm not constantly covering up cuts and bruises every day. Sasuke just can't control himself sometimes. I've made my peace with that. If it's only one or two hits every winter, I can cope. Still, that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when it happens. It takes a lot for me to not punch him back. The fox flares up inside as my defense and it's more agonizing to keep it suppressed than taking Sasuke's blows. I can't ever hit him back without fear of killing him.

Whenever it happens, it always seems to shock him the most. I'm used to it – used to hiding the hurt on my face – but, he still can't believe it when he does it. The sound of bone hitting bone echoes around the Uchiha household and we just stand there, me waiting for the pain to numb and him waiting to understand what he had done. Once I can move my head without wincing, I look at him and I don't know what shows on my face. All I know is what's on his: guilt, despair, confusion, self-hatred…concern. That's always the first question in his black gaze beneath all the negativity towards himself. He always wants to know if I'm alright before anything else – that's how I know he still loves me. I don't know if my face ever gives him an answer; I think I leave before he can find it.

It's the best solution I can come up with: just walk out and give him some breathing space. It's impossible for him to collect himself when he's crowded. Today was a bad day to walk away though. The snow was ridiculous, layered against buildings like mountains. All the Fire Style specialists were on road clearing duty but, even they couldn't keep up with the flakes that continued to fall. The streets were clutched with a thick film of brown and white slush. Regardless of the white squall, children were happily pelting each other with snowballs and building objects and creatures from the deep mounds. Why couldn't Sasuke and I find the happiness those kids did? Why couldn't we be the same as we were in the spring?

As I walk through the snowy streets, with large flakes melting in my hair, I wish the snow would thaw to April rain. I could make Sasuke enjoy the rain. It made him understandably sad but, I could convince him it was a good thing. Rain was cleansing and brought life to the earth. When it rained, I would drag Sasuke out from the safety of the back porch and make him dance with me. Once he felt how the rain could wash away all your worries, he would smile and he would have fun – or as much fun as an Uchiha can show.

I couldn't make him do that in the snow. If I couldn't convince myself that there as something good about a blizzard, then I couldn't convince him. Not once have we danced in the snow. I can't find a reason too. While rain brings us life, snow brings us death. It's a deceptive beauty: it's entrancing to watch but, it smothers the seeds in the earth and hides the death it causes.

Not unlike Sasuke, I realize. Maybe that's why he hates it so much. Sasuke carries a lot of self-loathing that settles in his eyes, like how snowflakes settle into banks on the ground. Maybe he treats the winter like a mirror, and facing his reflection everywhere he walks makes it more difficult to contain that rage and hurt…Maybe.

I walked for a long time, putting as much distance between Sasuke and I as possible – he needs a lot of breathing room. I ended up stopping at one of my favorite parts of the village: the bridge behind the academy that our team meets at for missions. I'm always happy when I'm here. This place makes me excited, eager to get past the village walls and travel someplace new. It also marks the beginning of a fresh day. Standing there now makes me feel like I could recycle that moment and start it all over again.

I leaned against the bridge railing, accumulated snow seeping into the back of my coat. The stream was frozen beneath me – hard and black. My breath collided with the frigid winter air, billowing into the falling particles in a warm gray steam cloud. It's quiet and secluded here; the thrilled mewling of the kids in the streets are muted by the snowy trees. It's nice to wait here and think, cut off from the rest of the world. I must have stood there, letting the ache in my jaw numb, somewhere close to an hour, wondering why Sasuke acted the way he did. It hurt more to see him like that than it did to feel its effects.

The sound of softly crunching snow brought me out of my trance. I glanced up; nothing stirred inside me at first, seeing him again. I don't really know what to expect. Those eyes are steeped in despair and regret, more heavily broken than I've ever seen them before. That stirs something: distress; a need to console him – it's something I never mind doing. I lean off of the railing and take a step towards him. He stops and I don't go further.

Sasuke is not forgiving towards those that smother him like a child. Besides, the way he sees it, I'm the one in need of comfort. He doesn't feel like he deserves it. A gaping void starts stretching between us – both resistant to be comforted by the other.

"…Does it hurt?" he asks, his voice like wind caught in the hollow of a tree.

He doesn't look at me as he asks, his once proud gaze now thrown to the slick ground. There's one thing I hate more than the winter and that's Sasuke looking so dejected. That's not who he is, and even when we both know he's wrong he's never been one to surrender so easily.

"No," I half lie. "Not anymore."

He nods, barely a wisp of a movement. As always, I'm at a loss of what to do. Does he want me to hurt him back, tell him I hate him and it's over? Sasuke's all about getting even. Or does he want forgiveness? Sasuke's also too selfish to surrender what's rightfully his.

Patience has never been my forte. It's a struggle trying to restrain my want to comfort him. I don't consider this whole situation about me. He doesn't consider it to be about himself. I always find it funny how similar we really are, too stubborn to think about ourselves and only caring about each other. For a couple of boys that never seemed to get along, we sure as hell knew each other better than ourselves.

His head shifts up ever so slightly but, his eyes always remain on the round. I watch his porcelain lips part and his raven brows crease in struggle. No words come past his mouth at first, as if he's afraid to say them. My heart squeezed in anticipation, a rebuttal already in my head.

"I think…I should leave. You can stay at the estate but…I'll move into an apartment until…I…"

Blood's roaring in my veins and my eyes are hot in fury. He wants to run away. The fearless, headstrong Uchiha Sasuke was running away. No way in hell was that going to happen and I told him so after I leapt forward and trapped him in an embrace. No way was I letting him get away.

"You're not going anywhere you hear me?" I said, my voice shaking in anger. "I'm not letting you just walk away from us!"

He was silent and as tense as a bristled cat cornered by something too big to take down but, he would try anyway. I could feel the ancient trapped energy inside me pulsing in response to my desire to keep him close. Every vestige of power inside me was preparing to burst open if it meant I could make him stay.

"You don't see me running away," I went on. "You don't see my crying over it, do you? I don't care about it. It's nothing."

"You're such a fool," he rasped, a slightly maniacal laughter in his voice. "How can't you hate me for this?"

"Sasuke, am I limping? Am I crawling on the ground? Am I begging you to top? This is nothing. We're fine."

"What if this is just how it starts?"

I squeeze him tighter before pulling away, keeping my hands on his shoulders, still terrified of having him run away. I look at his face but, he's still not looking back at me.

"Why are you doing this?" I ask, no longer recognizing the pathetic, guilt-ridden boy before me. "How can you think so lowly of yourself? Sasuke, this isn't you. I know you feel like shit and, yeah, this whole situation sucks but, you're giving up without a fight? Since when is that okay?"

His brows knit together, considering my words. I reined myself in, once more waiting for his move. I wasn't going to force him into changing his mind. I wanted him to be the one that realized we needed to stay together. His velvety voice drenched in doubt, he argued one more case.

"I can't stop myself. For the first time, I can't control myself. What if it goes too far and there's no way to make me stop?"

Finally, he looked at me, and the emotion in his obsidian gaze smashed my heart to pieces. I'd never seen Sasuke scared. I'd never seen him so lost from himself before. Today was his breaking point. Today, it had finally hit him hard. I could feel tears creeping along the corners of my eyes, unable to bear seeing him like this. Then, it came crashing down on me – a cruel, harsh realization. I did this to him. It wasn't until I invaded his life that he started questioning himself. This really was because of me.

I couldn't remember what he had just said, too blinded by my own truth. My hands fell from his shoulders and I stepped back against the bridge railing. He took this as a sign that his words had frightened me and his eyes returned to the opposite side of the bridge, trembling with barely suppressed emotion.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I can't take back all I've done but I promise, I'll never be the one to hurt you again."

He turned and walked out of my line of sight, leaving me staring at where he once stood, at the frozen river pouring from beneath the bridge.

"This is all my fault."

I was barely aware of myself verbalizing the self-discovery. I was also hardly conscious of Sasuke stopping at the end of the little bridge. I stepped forward to the other side, aimlessly staring at the ice as my hand touched the snow on the railing.

"What?" I heard Sasuke say, the wooden boards, creaking as he took a step back forward.

"This is all my fault," I repeated. "It's the same as it's always been. I ruin everyone and everything I touch."

"Naruto, what are you talking about? Didn't you hear what I said? This is all on me, not you. You haven't done anything."

I didn't hear the desperation in his voice or realize he marched back to me without hesitation when I started taking the blame. The snow beneath my hand started to melt and my throat tightened. I'd done this to Sasuke. I'd destroyed something beautiful and powerful with a single touch. How could I have not seen it before?

"Don't move out," I told him, turning away. "It's your home. I'll find someplace else to go."

I started to walk but, he was faster than me, grabbing my wrist and turning me around before I'd taken half a step. His black eyes were commanding and full of regret.

"This is my fault. I'm the one that hit you!"

"Sasuke, I don't care!"

"I care!"

It was quiet as we both let those two words sink in. We were both shocked by them. Realization dawned in his eyes and I finally understood why he treated himself like such a disgrace. Sasuke had never cared about anyone before. The concepts of affection and relationships were complete alien territory for him. He didn't know what it meant to feel for someone else. He didn't know how to cope with it. So when the winter season had its way with him and he ended up hurting me, he didn't think he deserved to keep what he cared about.

I felt warm. Even in the blustering, frigid harshness of winter, the fact that Sasuke always cared about me, even in his worst moments, filled me with content. Something hot fell on my cheek and I blinked in surprise, The tears that had sought to fall for him before, finally broke away but, I didn't know who they were falling for this time.

Then, he was the one holding me, with such ardent compassion it was nearly staggering. I held him back, both of us afraid of losing the other. Neither of us spoke and neither of us needed too. He cared about me just as much as I cared about him, so much so that he would fall from his pedestal and hate himself before me.

I watched the river as his warmth was shared with me. Beneath the black ice, the water slowly, gently glided forward. Somewhere, it flowed free of the cold, in a place where summer fought ice away. It was always there, always somewhere far away. It could be found if someone just tried to look beyond the surface.

Relief washed between us, all the weight of the heavy snowfall falling away in an unveiling avalanche. I knew then – and so did he – that everything about us was going to be okay.