Christmas a time for giving, receiving, friends, family, joy. Behind every smile, every tear is a story, a thought a memory, good, bad, in between they're all there. As Voight and Erin prepare for their first Christmas with new family members they can't help remembering years gone by.
Voight signed his name on the bottom of the report he'd been writing. It was lunch time on Christmas Eve, that morning the unit finally made the raids on the case they'd been working all month. Everyone was at their desks writing reports. He could hear Christmas carols wafting up from downstairs. Platt was unusually cheery this Christmas, she was being somewhat cryptic on why but according to Ruzek, Platt was convinced Mouch was going to propose to her. It was slightly odd seeing the woman who took pride in intimidating the young officers in her charge acting so cheery. She kept trying to get others to join her in the festive cheer but so far she'd had little takers.
He heard his phone ringing; he smiled when he saw it was Justin. He was proud of his son for how he'd turned himself around since joining the army and becoming a father.
"We're coming home for Christmas," Justin said down the line, "we're flying in tomorrow morning, our plane is scheduled to land at 9:30am. Can you pick us up at the airport?"
"Sure," he replied, "I'll make sure someone is there for you."
"Thanks Dad," Justin replied, "You won't believe how much little James has grown."
Voight ended the call with a smile spreading across his face. He wasn't expecting to see his family for the holiday. His intention had been to work through the day and pretend it wasn't happening. Christmas hadn't been the same since Camille died, for the first few years after, they'd tried their hardest, him and Justin, and Erin to bring the magic Camille had brought to the day back but they could never do it and soon they stopped trying. Now though, it was his grandson's first Christmas and he was looking forward to the day for the first time in a long time.
He placed his report in the filing cabinet and walked into the bull pit. "I want you all to go home once you're reports are done," he said to his team, "It's Christmas eve go spend it with your family, and tomorrow if anyone doesn't already have somewhere to go you're welcome at my place. I'm leaving for the day; if you need me call my cell phone."
He walked down the stairs and out the station leaving the rest of his team exchanging confused looks with each other.
"Was he serious?" Ruzek asked looking to the more experienced members of the team.
"Voight's always serious," Antonio said looking more to Alvin and Lindsay for confirmation.
Lindsay shrugged as she closed the file she was working on, "if you really have nowhere to go come over," she said standing up, "I'll be there, the more the merrier."
…
Erin pulled her jacket, gloves, scarf, and beanie on. "Merry Christmas," she said to the rest of her team, "maybe I'll see some of you tomorrow."
She headed out the building and to her car. She was glad Voight had given them some of the afternoon off, there were so many things she still had to do. She wanted to get into the Christmas spirt, she was doing a good job of appearing excited on the outside, she even had a little Christmas tree on her desk and for a brief period of time in November she thought maybe she could but that feeling faded leaving her feeling, tired, flat and depressed about the whole thing. She hadn't even had the energy to put her Christmas tree up this year, and now that it was Christmas Eve she didn't see the point.
She had mixed feeling about Christmas in general, she wasn't really religious, the religious aspect of the holiday had never really sat well with her, for her Christmas was about family but her family was a complex thing. Scattered amongst the horrible Christmases with her mom were a few truly beautiful ones. For the most part it was just her and her mum; more often than not Teddy spent Christmas with his dad. It was the years her little brother was there that were the best but his presence was no guarantee for a good day. Too many years they spent the day cold hungry and alone, too many times her mom spent all the Christmas money on alcohol. She was eleven the first time she got drunk, her mom said the alcohol was a Christmas present and insisted they drink it together; all she could remember from that year was how sick she felt the next day. Her mom had laughed at her, she didn't try to make her feel better, her best idea was more alcohol but she refused and swore to herself she was never going to drink alcohol again. The resolution only lasted until New Year's, they went to their first ever block party and her mom spiked the punch. All the kids in the street got tipsy, that night was fun right up until the moment when the other parents worked out what she'd done. They were told to leave the party, the kids on the street weren't allowed to play with her anymore and shortly after they moved house again.
It wasn't until she moved in with the Voight's that she experienced a truly magical Christmas. Camille loved Christmas, the decorations would go up the day after Thanksgiving and the house would fill with this beautiful energy. The house had an almost constant smell of cinnamon as Camille baked Christmas cookies for people all over the city. On Christmas day Camille would always cook this amazing feast, every year it would seem like she was making too much food but it always got eaten. Their house was always open on Christmas to anyone who had nowhere to go. The mix of people who showed up always changed but it always felt like family. Remembering those days brought a sad smile to her face, in the years following Camille's death they'd tried to recreate the magic but it never quite felt the same and after a few years they stopped trying, instead she would work, Hank would work, and Justin would get sent off to an aunt or uncle.
It had been years since her and Voight hadn't worked Christmas. She knew it could only mean on thing, Justin, Olive, and the baby were going to be home for Christmas. She was looking forward to seeing her nephew, and Justin who since joining the army and becoming a father had grown into a beautiful caring young man. The boy he was before he joined the army was hard to imagine, he'd changed so much. She tried to think about that and not all the things making her sad.
She missed Camille, for most of the year she was okay, but at Christmas time she always felt the loss the hardest. This year she had other people to miss as well. She missed her mother, which was a strange feeling. For eight years she went without saying a word to her, it was never really okay but she got used to it, every year the pain of that abandonment got less but this year it wasn't either of their choice. Her mother wanted to see her, she kept phoning her, but every time she did she had to reject the phone call. Hank had made it clear to her that if she didn't cut off her mother she would lose him and she'd lose her job. She needed her job, it provided some stability in her life, she needed Hank. She didn't need her mother but she wanted her, despite how bad she was for her she still wanted her, beneath all that pain she was still her mother and somewhere inside of her she did love her. And then there was Nadia, she'd reached a point where she knew her friend's death wasn't her fault but that didn't stop her missing her. They'd only had one Christmas together and it had been far from perfect but there was one perfect moment. Nadia had said 'thank you' to her but it wasn't just a flippant thank you that you say after someone passes the butter; it was a whole hearted thank you for everything she'd done for her. It melted her heart and the memory of it made her smile and feel happy and sad all at the same time because they had something special and now it was all ruined and gone.
She pushed those thoughts out of her mind and tried to focus on the things she still needed to do today. She wanted to get presents for Hank, Justin, Olive, and little James and she knew exactly what she wanted to get, something small to commemorate their first Christmas.
…
Hank arrived home full of a slightly stressed excited energy. There were so many things he needed to do if he was going to have the house ready for tomorrow. He needed to put the Christmas tree up, he needed to decorate, he needed to go shopping. There wasn't any food in the house but thankfully he'd already brought his main presents, there was just one little thing he wanted to add.
Sitting on a shelf in his kitchen were a stack of recipe books, they were Camille's and he could count on one hand the number of times he'd pulled them out since she'd died but he knew there were instructions in there on how to create her Christmas. She'd written them all out for her last Christmas, by that time she'd been very very sick, the doctors had been blunt in saying they didn't think she'd make it to the holiday but she was determined to hold on and hold on she did. Camille's last Christmas was etched in his mind as one of his most treasured memorise. After weeks in the hospital the doctors allowed Camille to come home, it was two days before Christmas and she was coming home to die. He hadn't had time to decorate, he'd been way too occupied with other things to worry about something as trivial as decorating, he never thought Camille would come home to see it. In his mind he was already trying to find a way to explain this to Camille, to explain why the Voight house didn't look like Christmas but when he opened the front door the house had been transformed and there were Erin and Justin with big goofy smiles on their faces. He could still remember the look on Camille's face and how it transformed her. On those last three days Camille had more energy than she'd had in months. She scolded all of them for not having brought everything for Christmas dinner, then set about writing out various shopping lists. He still had the lists she wrote out, that's what he was looking for in the recipe books.
He began carefully shaking the books one by one until the shopping lists fell out. He carefully picked up the slightly yellowed pieces of paper. There were lists for every store he needed to visit carefully written in Camille's handwriting and annotated in his own. He smiled as the memory of writing those notes came to mind. He'd taken Justin with him but neither of them had ever gone shopping like this before. It seemed like it took forever and they had to phone home half a dozen times to make sure they were getting the right stuff. It was chaotic and they were expecting a similar scene at home but when they came in the front door, the first thing they smelt was vanilla and when they reached the kitchen there was Camille up on her feet teaching Erin how to make almond vanilla cookies.
"It took you boys long enough," she'd said to them before putting them to work preparing everything for dinner the next day.
He smiled to himself and put the books away. With the lists in hand he left the house to battle with all the other last minute shoppers.
…
Erin walked as fast as she dared down the streets of downtown Chicago. It had been raining earlier and the footpaths were wet and slippery. It was a cold night and she was certain she would hit black ice eventually and when she did she didn't want to end up arse up. The wind picked up and she pulled her beanie down tighter on her head. She was making her way down to the Christkindlmarket. It had been years since she'd been down there; the place was the epitome of Christmas so when you're trying to pretend Christmas isn't happening it's a place to avoid. As a kid she went down there a lot, the people there always seemed to be in a generous mood and on most days she could usually get someone to buy her a meal or collect enough change to buy one herself; she knew how to play the street urchin well.
She could hear the Christmas carols before she reached the market proper and she could feel the energy in the air change, it was electric with the Christmas spirit, and crowed as ever. She followed the flow of the crowd around the stands. She had quick glances at the stands as she passed but she already had her destination in mind, Frank's Ornament House. As long as she could remember Frank's had been there selling glass Christmas ornaments. For a while the Voight's had a family tradition of visiting the store every year and each of them would get to choose one new ornament for the tree. She could still remember the first time she went with them, she'd only been living with them a couple of months, they were nice to her and all but she still didn't feel like part of the family, she hadn't let herself think that she might have found a forever home. She still had all her walls up, the defensive mechanisms she'd built over the years to protect herself but that day they really truly started to come down. She knew about the tradition, Justin had told her all about it when they'd put the tree up that morning. There was a story behind every single decoration and he knew all of them. She hadn't expected them to let her buy one but when Camille had slipped up beside her and wrapped an arm around her shoulder and asked her if she'd chosen one yet she'd been gobsmacked.
"I can pick one?" she'd asked feeling her face turn red.
"Of course," Camille had smiled back at her, "you're part of our family now Erin."
That year she'd chosen a little white owl, and Camille picked a little bronze one to match. This year she picked two little train shaped ornaments, a perfect little thing to commemorate a first Christmas she thought.
She walked out the store and was about to make a beeline for home when she heard someone call her name. She looked around and there was Alvin sitting at a table with a teenage girl who wasn't Lexi. They were both drinking warm drinks out of the souvenir mugs, Al's in the traditional boot shape and Michelle's shaped like a snowman. She waved and started to walk over. Al stood up and gave her a hug.
"Erin, I'd like you to meet someone," he said with a smile, "this is my daughter Michelle. Michelle this is Erin she works in my unit with Antonio and Adam."
"Hi," Erin said doing her best not to look surprised but failing at it miserably.
"Hi," Michelle said shyly back while taking a sip of her drink.
"Would you like a drink?" Al asked her, she hesitated a little in her reply and he took it as a yes, "Sit down I'll go get you one."
She sat down at the table with Michelle and gave her a smile. "Don't worry Al didn't know I existed until a few months ago," Michelle said, "I guess he's still trying to find a way to tell people."
"Yeah," Erin said looking at the girl closely, she didn't know her story but she could see it having parallels to her own. "I've known Al since I was your age. He's more of an Uncle to me than anything else," she told her.
"Really?" Michelle's eyes raised, "do you have any stories?"
"I've got plenty," Erin said a mischievous look crossing her eyes but then Al was coming back with her drink, "I'll tell you some next time."
The three of them slipped into pleasant conversation. They talked about the weather, all the stalls at the market, and a bit about each other. Erin wanted to know Michelle, she wanted to hear her story, so slowly and carefully she asked her questions. She didn't want it to feel like she was interrogating the child, she knew what that could be like but she still wanted to get to know her.
A few tables back Erin could hear a girl asking for money for food. She looked over her shoulder and spotted the girl in an oversized dark green jacket. It was hard to tell through the jacket how old she was, she could have been anywhere from ten to eighteen. She checked her wallet for money, she didn't have enough cash on her to give the girl but she decided if she came over she'd take her to a stall and buy her something. She wasn't having any luck getting cash and someone shooed her off before she made it to their table. She watched the girl walk away, and made a mental note to try and find her later.
While they talked Erin kept scanning the crowd, it was a self-preservation mechanism she couldn't turn off, she had to know her surroundings. She was keeping an eye out for the girl but other than that she wasn't really looking for anything. Then she saw Hank step out of Frank's.
"Hank," she called out as she stood up, "Hank over here."
She felt a hand on her arm, "Erin, don't," she heard Al say very softly but Hank had already seen her and was walking over.
"Erin," he said smiling at her. In his hands he held a little bag from Frank's. "I was going to phone you when I got home. Do you want to come over to my place tonight? Help me set up?"
"Of course," she said not quite realising what was also happening around her, "Have you got time for a drink? Al was just introducing me to Michelle."
"Michelle?" Hank asked, as he noticed the girl sitting at the table for the first time.
"Hi," Michelle shyly waved. This wasn't the first time she'd gone through an introduction like this.
"Hank, I'd like you to meet my daughter Michelle." Al said gesturing to the girl. To Hank's credit he didn't miss a beat.
"I'd love to but I can't," he said, "I've got way too much stuff to do. I'll see you both at lunch tomorrow? And Erin I'll see you tonight?"
"See you there," they both said as Hank walked back into the crowd.
"I'm sorry," Erin said realising exactly what had just happened, "I didn't realise Hank didn't know."
"It's okay," Al smiled at her, "it's better that it's happened tonight instead of tomorrow. Would you like another drink?"
"No, I should get going too." They all stood up and Al held his arms out for a quick goodbye hug. "I'll see you tomorrow," Erin said giving the quick hug.
She walked off into the crowd in the direction she'd seen the girl go earlier. She wanted to help her but finding was proving difficult, she did one whole lap of the vendors stalls before deciding she must have gone somewhere else. Just outside the market though she found her. The girl was sitting alone on the pavement, her back pushed up hard against the wall of a building, her knees pulled to her chest, the oversized jacket pulled down over all of her, and her face burring in her knees making her look like a little green ball.
"Can I sit here?" Erin asked gesturing to the pavement beside the girl.
"I guess so," the girl said looking up at her, "I'm not moving though. I was here first."
"I know," she said lowering herself to the ground, "I just want to sit with you for a bit." The girl didn't say anything to her, just buried her face back in her knees. "I saw you asking for food before," Erin said breaking the momentary silence, "are you still hungry? I'll go buy you something to eat if you want."
The girl looked up at her, "you will?" she asked a look of disbelief on her face.
"Yeah," Erin smiled at her, "anything you want. Come on we'll go back in together."
"Thanks, but I'm not allowed back in there," the girl said looking away again, "the security guard said he'd call the cops if I went back in."
"You'll be okay with me," Erin said holding out her hand, "I won't let anything bad happen to you while we're in there."
"You sure?" the girl asked, as she slowly started unwrapping herself.
"I'm sure," she stood up and the girl followed a moment later. Together they walked back into the market, at the entrance the security guard made a move to stop them but Erin held her ground. "She's with me," she said and the guard let them through. "What would you like to eat?" she asked once they were inside and mixing with the crowd.
"The potato pancakes with apple sauce and cream," the girl said a smile spreading across her face, "but it's okay if you just want to get me a pretzel."
"No, if you want the pancakes we can get the pancakes," Erin reassured, "Would you like a hot drink as well? I've been told the hot chocolate is good."
"I don't need a drink," the girl said but Erin recognised the choice of words, she'd used them herself many times.
"I didn't ask if you needed a drink. I asked if you'd like one." She said with a smile then added, "I'm going to have one."
"Okay," the girl said, the smile on her face getting bigger.
They didn't talk while they waited in line but Erin watched the girl closely, she seemed to be almost salivating at the anticipation of the food and drink. When they had their meals they went and sat down at a table together. The girl immediately started picking at the pancake with her fingers.
"Here," Erin said handing her a plastic knife and fork, "it tastes better if you eat it slower."
She could see the girl actually restraining herself from inhaling the food and she wondered how long it had been since she'd eaten. Even still the food was gone in no time and Erin offered the girl half of hers. Again it took a little persuasion to get her to take it but the smile never left her face.
"Thank you," the girl said after she'd finished licking the plates, "I've wanted to try one of them all month but no one ever asks me what I want. At the end of the night a lady always gives me a pretzel and well beggars can't be choosers."
"Yeah," Erin smiled, "have you got somewhere to go tomorrow? I place to get a warm meal?"
"Yeah, I know a place," the girl said looking down at her empty plate, "thanks again. I should get going."
The girl stood and Erin followed her move. They walked out the market together and when they were away from the crowd Erin pulled out her wallet, and retrieved one of her business cards. "My name's Erin," she said handing the card to the girl, "not that long ago I was on the street begging for food too. If you ever get into trouble, need a hot meal, or a place to stay, call me and I'll help you."
The girl's eyes went wide when she read the card, when she saw she was a cop. "It was a detective who help me," Erin said to quell the girls fear, "the police can help you if you let them."
The girl slipped the card into her pocket but she seemed a little spooked, or confused maybe, "Thanks," she said again, "my name is Nadia. Merry Christmas," and then she turned and ran off down the street.
Erin stood on the pavement, simultaneously smiling, chuckling and, shaking her head, that'd be right, she thought, the first person she tries to help after Nadia is another Nadia. She never brought too much into the idea of fete but she couldn't help thinking fete was messing with her.