Title of the work: I Don't Know You Anymore
Author/Artist: Chained Phoenix
Pairing: Walter "Radar" O'Reilly x Benjamin "Hawkeye" Pierce
Fandom: MASH
Theme: #26. If Only I could make you mine.
Disclaimer: I don't own MASH or anything to do with it. Just a conspiracy theory about Father Mulcahy's sexuality...
Rating: PG-13 (for language)
Summary: It's been years since they've seen each other, and Hawkeye decides to stop by Radar's on a trip to Nebraska.
Rants: I can honestly say I don't know how I feel about this. It was inspired by I Don't Know You Anymore by Savage Garden. Go figure, right? Anyway, figured I'd at least get it out of the way. Originally posted under 30kisses under an alternate screenie then my normal one... heh heh heh heh...
"Hey, Radar? Bingo, you guessed it. That's right, it's Hawkeye. Anyway, I got your number from Father Mulcahy who never said how he got it... Oh, you did? Hm. Makes since. Anyway, I'm visiting a couple of my cousins in Nebraska, and I was going to be in the area, and wanted to know if I could stop by? No, I wouldn't be going out of my way. Really, Radar, it's not complicated or out of the way... We could just sit and talk or something. It doesn't really matter what, I just felt like seeing you again. Yeah, it's all good. And Radar...? I'm sorry."
It had been dead boring out there in the middle of nowhere, but Radar liked to call it peaceful. Peaceful my foot, Hawkeye had said bitterly, but stopped complaining after Radar said how much he liked it. The drive was long, and he was tired, and his first night there was a short dinner with Radar and his family- his mother, and his wife. It was awkward seeing them in person, but the most awkward thing Hawkeye had found was Radar's wife was pregnant. She was just a small town girl, her father a carpenter in town. Nothing really special, but Radar beamed every time he saw her. It almost hurt.
Sleeping was easy that night, in the large old ranch style bed, buried under about fifty quilts. He hadn't wanted to get up in the morning, but Mrs. O'Reilly's breakfast smelled to good, and was too tempting to sleep through. So he had gotten up, and eaten the delicious breakfast. Bacon and pancakes, fresh milk and orange juice, warm maple syrup... Hawkeye was in heaven. After all those years overseas at the 4077th had taught him to appreciate good food, and Radar's mother was beaming with happiness, about to explode. She was overjoyed he loved her food so much, and forced (only it was consensual) two more servings on to him.
"You've changed a lot Radar, since you got sent back home. For better or for worse, who can tell? It's so weird being home after seeing all that bad... Kind of makes you wonder how there is any good left in the world. Hey, quit giving me that look. Still, you look happy with your wife. Nice girl. I'm sorry I haven't tried to contact you. I don't know if I could, even if I had tried. Its funny hearing you called Walter... Hah, good ole' Radar not good enough? Anyway, do you still have that picture? I've got mine in my wallet. Hasn't left it since I put it there. I just had to come and see you in person again, I know it was kind of random but..."
They had spent all morning sitting on the porch swing, swinging back and forth ever so slightly. They had talked about everything and nothing at the same time. Radar went on and on about his family, and how he'd like Hawkeye to meet them. It was flattering, but he doubted it would ever happen. They both realized this was probably the last time it was going to happen, but neither of them said anything. What could you say at a time like that? So they said nothing about it, just leaned back and drank fresh lemonade, talking and joking, Radar's good ole' radar picking up again, amusing Hawkeye to no end.
When they went back inside, Hawkeye stopped and looked at the picture lined wall. There were so many, and the wall was covered in them. Some of Radar, some of his wedding, and some that seemed so much older then the rest of them. Hawkeye stopped looking and smiled at Radar, who flashed an awkward smiled in return. Some feelings were better left unsaid, left to brew and remain in one's soul for eternity. Because, it was okay for them not to say they were sorry, and that they were forgiven, because they already knew that they were.
"I love the Springtime, mostly for the warmth. It isn't cold and lonely like Winter, you know? Heh, I should have figured you wouldn't. It's always so rushed and busy, people just going from one place to another. No one stops and says hi and asks you how you're doing anymore. All you can is hope for the better, ya know? You don't? Radar, Radar, Radar... It's been such a long time... Yeah, can you believe it? So much has happened since then. You still the same? What do you mean 'what'? It was a good question! I see your opinion hasn't changed on a lot of things, but it's funny, because you really have changed since the 4077th, did you know that? And we haven't talked once... You know, I really did miss you? I just had to see you today."
They decided to be spontaneous and ate lunch outside, on the old table in the back yard. Radar's wife served them, before sitting next to Mrs. O'Reilly. It was Hawkeye's turn to talk about the far reaches of the world, and tell them stories of people only him and Radar knew, and stories of Radar. It was thoroughly enjoying, and once again Hawkeye was coaxed into having seconds and thirds. If nothing else, when he left he was the fullest he had been in ages, and better yet, it had all been good foods. Something about home cooked food made 'with love' as it went, was just so much better then the crap he was used to eating.
They talked about the fireworks that people would start setting off that night, and they asked if Hawkeye wanted to stay another night, because it really was no problem, and they were overjoyed to have him there. As much as he had wanted to, he declined, but they convinced him to at least stay for dinner. That gave him a few more hours in their company with his good, city humour. He would have figured that they all liked him so much? Still, he could afford to sitting and hanging around for a few more hours. After all, Nebraska was only an hour or two away, he would make it there in no time. They ended up just sitting at the old table and talking till almost four.
"I know I've never really been fair to you, and I've let you down time and time again. I know I've never really been fair to you, and look what that got me. Hey, don't apologize, it's my fault. Maybe I shouldn't have called. I think it would be better if I didn't. Hey, don't start with me. You've changed a lot, and odds are, so have I. Maybe it was best we were both memories. Besides, things were so much better in my memories, because... How can I explain it? It doesn't have a name or anything it's just... I don't know. Oh hell, do you still think of me the same?"
Just as every other meal, Dinner had been delicious, and Hawkeye had been more then willing for seconds. It was an early meal, and they talked about whatever was left to talk about, but that wasn't much. When it came time for Hawkeye to re-shove his few things back into his truck and leave, he found it was hard. He hugged both Radar's wife and his mother; both of who insisted he come and visit again some time soon, and that it was nice meeting friends of Radar's. Radar was the last to say goodbye to, and he hugged him, and brushed his lips against Radar's cheek in a simple, friendly kiss. Nothing anyone would ever get suspicious or worry about.
Climbing in the truck and pulling out of the driveway didn't come easy, and leaving was harder then he ever thought. He looked over his shoulder once, to see Radar and the others still standing in the drive waving, and he wished for one thing more then anything else. He wished that Radar could be sitting there with him as he left for Nebraska, whished Radar was his, and nobody else's like he should have been. He wished Radar was his, but there was nothing he could do about that now. Because, he'd had the chance and he fucked it up all by himself.
"I guess we aren't the same people anymore, and that really makes thing kind of awkward. Life really is different now. You know this is that last time we're ever going to see each other, right? I realized I need to move on. This was just my chance to say goodbye. I don't think I'll ever forget about you, but I had to set this to rest. I'm gonna miss you Radar, but it's time I moved on. Hey, I'm being redundant. Well best of luck with everything, if you need a doctor, don't call me, call a real one. Ha ha."