Everything single thing here reminded Magnus of Alec. Reminded him of the man he had spent the last seventy years of his life with. The best seventy years of his very long life.
This place, Magnus's loft in Brooklyn, was full of memories. It was the place they had raised their sons. The place they had had their first kiss. Magnus could see Alec everywhere in his memories. Alec standing in the kitchen making coffee. Alec on the sofa. Alec standing in the doorway. Alec. Alec. Alec. Alexander.
Magnus went over to his bed and held Alec's pillow close to his chest. He cried into it until he fell asleep.
Magnus wasn't sure how long he had slept. He had awoken fully dressed and wrapped around Alec's pillow. He wanted to sleep again. He wanted to numbing effect of unconsciousness but he sensed he wasn't alone.
Looking up he saw three people standing around his bed. They all had similar looks of concern on their faces were all holding letters in identical brown envelopes.
"Go away," Magnus said weakly. He wanted nothing more than to curl around his hollow heart and cry until he drown in his own tears. He didn't need an audience.
"We can't," Catarina said.
"We love you," Max said.
"We understand," Tessa said.
Magnus tried to open his mouth to say 'go away' again, but all three of them held up the letters. Magnus looked at them properly this time and recognised the handwriting. He snatched them up, staring.
"They are why you came," Magnus said.
"No," Max said.
Magnus looked up, surprised. "But I thought, he wrote them?"
"He did," Catarina said. "But we would have come anyway."
"Papa," Max said. "Those letters were for us, but I have something here for you as well."
Max snapped his fingers as Magnus had taught him. A spiral notebook appeared in Max's hand. Max gave it to Magnus.
Magnus stared at it for a moment before taking it. He put the letters on the bed next to him so he could turn the page of the notebook. He didn't notice the letters vanish back into his friend's pockets.
Magnus read the first page:
My dearest Magnus
Do not send your friends away, please. I sent them. I can't imagine what you are feeling right now. I know I had the better deal in his. Dying is always easier than watching those you love die, I know. I am sorry I left you all alone in the world again. But remember Magnus that I love you. Even if my heart doesn't beat anymore, yours does, and you will always have me with you as long as that is the case.
Memory is a hard thing. It weighs heavily. Right now you should try not to remember. I know you want to but please for me think of something else.
Years from now when the pain is less fresh than bring me back to your thoughts. Or don't. I won't blame you if you don't.
Magnus if I had to do it all again I would spend my whole life with you again. You are and forever will be the love of my life.
But my life is over now and yours isn't. I want you to live, Magnus. Live a full and glorious life like you always have. I can't imagine the world without you in it.
I want you to be open to new things. Don't push your friends away. You need them, and I need you to live. Not just to keep breathing but to live.
Magnus didn't turn to the next page. He wasn't sure he could.
"Some loves are worth the pain," Tessa said. She sat beside him in the bed. Max sat on Magnus's other side.
Magnus flung himself on his son and clung tightly. His sobs coming in earnest now.
They never left his side that day or the next or the next. No one spoke much, but they were there.
Magnus was able to read more of Alec's spiral notebook a week later. It was full of memories of their life together. Pages and pages of memories, but Magnus couldn't read more than one page at a time. He kept the book with him nevertheless. It was like having a small piece of Alexander in his pocket.
His friends made sure he ate which he had to confess he may have forgotten to bother with if they weren't there.
Magnus didn't leave his apartment for about six months. His friends, bless them, stayed there with him the whole time.
Catarina missed her hospital but before she returned she told Magnus to come see her anytime. She would be there if he needed anything. Oh and she gave him a very cruel lecture about being an antisocial home body, which Magnus decided to ignore.
It was Max and Tessa who finally pressured Magnus to leave the apartment by reminding him that his grandchildren missed him. It was though his mortal son Rafe that Magnus had grandchildren. Rafe was very old now but his face still light up with joy as he watched his children's children play.
Magnus watched the little ones with a strange feeling in his chest. He had been so miserable for so long now that it had taken him a while to recognize it. And it was because of Alec that he had this, a family. Grandchildren who greeted him as granpapa. Magnus shared a look with Tessa then. He knew now far more about her than he ever had before. She had descendants. Clary and Jace's children were her legacy.
As Magnus returned home from his visit with his grandchild he realized something. Alec was gone but Alec had left a footprint on Magnus's life. Had changed Magnus so completely. Magnus could never go back now. Never go back to who he had been before Alec. He didn't want to go back. He didn't want to throw parties or get drunk with his friends. Magnus wanted to be granpapa. It had taken a old soul in a young body to mature him but it had happened.
Magnus make sure to keep visiting his family after that. Going with Max and Tessa as often as he could. Magnus took Catarina up on her offer then and went to see her. She let him talk about Alec for hours. She was a good friend Magnus thought as he remembered the day Catarina and Alec had first met and instantly teamed up to tease him relentlessly.
Tessa returned to the Spiral Labyrinth once she was sure Magnus was going to keep going out and doing things on his own. Magnus realized with a stab of guilt that she was also mourning Jem's death which had happened shortly before Alec's. Magnus hadn't been there for her. Tessa, who had buried, not one, but two mortal husbands. He resolved to make plans with her soon. Maybe he would visit the Labyrinth.
It was just Max and Magnus in the loft now. Considering Max was an adult who come to stay with his parent he was taking it rather well, Magnus thought. Though he reminded himself it was different with immortals. They looked the same age despite the fact that Magnus had once changed Max's diapers. A fact Max did not appreciate Magnus bringing up. Magnus enjoyed it though.
He remembered looking down at Max in his arms at the party almost seventy years ago. Looked down at his immortal child he had said it may just be the two of us one day. He had known this day was a possibility. A very probable one. It didn't make the pain of losing Alec any less but Magnus could be greatful that Alec had lived a long life for a mortal. He hadn't died young in some horrible battle. Magnus was at least thankful of that.
But what Magnus was most thankful for in the years after Alec's death was his son. Max moved into the loft and the two of them developed a relationship most parents and children don't. Can't. They became friends, peers. It was a strange thing for Magnus. Max as an adult when Magnus's memory so clearly saw him as a child. But Magnus adapted to this soon enough. Max was almost seventy years old after all. Magnus tried to stop using Max's baby name for him except for special occasions.
The two of them spoke of Alec and Rafe often, keeping them alive in their minds and hearts. Max was the one person who remembered Alec like Magnus. As part of the family. He was Magnus's favorite person to talk to about Alexander.
Magnus and Max were often called on by their shadowhunter family to help. The Lightwood-Bane family became known to have warlocks for guardians. Magnus often opened his door to see a grandchild of his with a desperate look on their face. He loved the way his grandchild looked at him. Like he was someone who could be relied on. Someone to be trusted without question and called whenever needed without fear or judgement. And it wasn't just Rafe's descendants who looked at Magnus that way. Jace and Clary's children had grown up around Magnus as well as Simon's and Izzy's. Their grandchildren had also been taught by their parents that Magnus and Max were here to help. The Herondales, Lovelaces and Lightwoods were all dear to Magnus now. He had fallen in love with only one shadowhunter but somehow it seemed now he was looking after them all. Magnus laughed remembering his thought so long ago before his first date with Alec. He had gotten in very deep with his shadowhunter indeed.
Magnus never fell in love again in his life. He loved many people but not in the same way he had loved Alec. Magnus loved his son, his descendants, and his friends. His life in many ways was more full of love than it had been before Alec. It was different love though. It was a family love. There would be no more romance for Magnus. He had always known he would never love again. He had meant what he had said to Alec on that roof. There would never be a next time. Once you know a love like that, the regular kind just doesn't cut it.
Magnus remembered how scared he had been of this moment all those years ago. He had almost pushed Alec away forever because of that fear. He knew now how stupid he had been. The only thing worse than losing Alec now would have been losing him then. Losing Alec before they had build a family together.
Magnus knew deep down in his heart that it had been worth it. Alec had given him so much. Changed him so completely. Magnus had no regrets.
Magnus filled his life with all the gifts Alec had given him and tried to be content in that. One day when the time was right he would die. And maybe just maybe he would see Alec again.