It's cold, freezing really, and Bucky can't feel his left arm. He's numb and cold and- god- he'd kill for a beer right now.
Suddenly there are hands grabbing him and he tries to call out but all he can see is white.
All he can feel is the coldness.
He's strapped to another fucking table and dammit, all he can feel is a mixture of terror and extreme anger.
After Hydra, he had sworn to himself that he would never get strapped to another table.
But then there's a sharp prick on his arm and he can't think of Hydra or Ste-
They do things to him. Poking and prodding and they attach something heavy to his shoulder- where his arm should be.
He screams and curses at them, spitting threats and insults only to get knocked out.
When he comes to, he waits for Steve to come and get him.
They speak in a language he doesn't understand and ask him questions in heavily accented english.
He tells them nothing and they reward him with agony.
He tells himself that Steve is on his way and that it's only a matter of time before he comes.
When the pain is especially bad, he repeats Steve's name like a prayer.
They laugh and tell him that no one is coming to get him.
He continues to do it anyways.
They do things to him, things he doesn't understand. They tell him that they are making him better, more superior than any 'American Super-Soldier'.
He laughs and tells them that no one is better than the American Super-Soldier.
He should know, the Super-Soldier is his best friend. The love of his damned life.
(He remembers whispering to Steve, "I'd marry you if I could, Stevie.")
He holds on to it like it's all he has left.
He'll get out of here and they'll find a way to get married.
He tells himself that Steve wouldn't leave him to die. He just has to wait.
It's hard to remember that he's coming to get him when they torture him.
He screams when they inject liquids into his bloodstream. He tells himself that Steve and the Commandos are on their way.
Steve wouldn't leave him.
(But it's hard to remember that when they start tinkering with his brain.)
He learns Russian and stops reacting to the pain.
He also forgets the sound of Steve's voice.
James Barnes.
Bucky.
Sergeant. James Barnes.
Sergeant 32557 Barnes.
My name is James Barnes.
James Barnes.
Bucky.
I'm a sergeant.
32557 Barnes.
I'm one of the Howling Commandos.
My name is James Barnes.
James.
God, Steve please.
"He is not coming to save you."
He can't remember who's coming to get him.
They congratulate him by giving him a new name- Yakov.
They laugh when they tell him that it's the Russian equivalent of James.
He doesn't know why that's funny.
They've also given him a new, metal arm to replace the one he had lost.
They paint a blood red star on it.
He doesn't understand why that makes him angry.
Or why he thinks the star should be white.
He tries not to vomit after his first mission, screams echoing in his head.
They tinker with him and he forgets how to feel guilt.
He no longer has nightmares.
He resists killing women and children.
He spends weeks in the labs and comes out with no memory of what mercy feels like.
They test him by ordering him to kill an entire family.
A father, a mother, a daughter, and two sons.
Their blood stains the snow as he walks away.
He becomes a legend, the assassin that assassin's fear, the Soviet's greatest weapon, the Red Room's pride and joy.
He is the Winter Soldier.
They put him into stasis between missions and he dreams of harsh breathing and eyes the color of summer skies.
When he is woken, he cannot remember what he dreamt of.
They remind him that he cannot dream.
They give him a woman to train.
She is beautiful and fierce.
He thinks that he could love her.
Her name is Natalia.
Natalia is red.
She is untempered and brilliant.
She steals a chunk of his frozen heart and refuses to give it back.
Natalia fights well and becomes his pride- and his lover.
(He fights back the feeling that he is betraying someone when he takes her to his bed.)
She kisses like she has something to prove and clings to him when they can sneak off to be together. She calls him 'Yasha' and tries to hide how much he means to her.
He wants to get her out of Red Room.
He wants her safe.
The next time he wakes up, they tell him that Natalia is gone.
He is glad for her but he is also furious that she left without him.
He wants to kill the man that took her from him.
But he also wants to thank him.
She's safe, but she is no longer his.
He has loved no one other than her
and yet who is it that he has betrayed?
They give him others to train and he rips them apart.
They aren't as red as his Natalia.
They do not make his blood sing the way she did.
He shoots the man that mockingly calls him 'Yasha.'
That is her name and her's alone.
They quickly learn to never use it in front of him.
He goes back into his box and is put into stasis.
He dreams of red lips parted as they call to him.
He dreams of blond hair and a cheeky grin.
Yet, he wakes and does not remember.
He is given missions and orders and he follows them without questions.
He fights and he shoots and shoots and shoots.
He reloads and kills and kills and kills.
"Please, have mercy!" the woman has Natalia's hair and her blood red lips. But her eyes are wrong.
Her eyes are not Natalia's and they are not-
He can't remember who's eyes were blue.
But he still puts a bullet between her eyes. Her not-quite-right shade of blue eyes.
He feels no regret.
His mind plays tricks on him when the Red Room is gone. When they can no longer fix the broken parts of him.
He sees a blond haired man out of the corner of his eye.
But no one's there when he turns to look.
The order is simple: kill Captain America.
He takes his weapons and goes.
Three hundred and some yards away, he takes aim at the man dressed in red, white, and blue.
For the first time, he hesitates.
He shakes it off and pulls the trigger.
He misses the kill shot.
He waits and tries again two weeks later.
He misses the kill shot.
He feels furious and he tries again.
Captain America deflects the second bullet, blood rushing from his side from the first one. He looks for the shooter, but he is gone.
He doesn't understand how he could miss such an easy target.
Three weeks later, he has Captain America cornered, alone and without his shield.
He slices open his arm and the Captain tackles him to the ground.
He retaliates and pins him down, the blue mask accidently discarded.
He's vulnerable and all he has to do is plunge his knife in his neck.
But his hair is blond and his eyes are the color of summer skies.
He's not suppose to be capable of mercy. He was not designed to have it.
(But it was not mercy that stilled his hand.
It was the kid from Brooklyn that never could back down from a fight.)
"Guess we did go to the future, huh Stevie?"
"Bucky?"
He remembers falling- from the train and in love.
He drops to his knees in front of his Captain.
"I thought you were dead," whispered into his neck as Steve clings to him, tears falling from his eyes.
Bucky smiles and pulls back. He brushes the tears aside, his metal fingers cool on Steve's overheated cheek.
"I thought you were smaller."
"Hey Bucky?"
A pause and a rustle of sheets. "Yes Steve?"
"Did you know that two men can get married now a days?"
A chuckle. "Yes Steve. I do."
Another pause. "Well? Do you-"
"I already told you that I would marry you if I could. What would make you think I would say no now that we can?"
"Jerk."
"Punk."
This is a sequel to What Could Have Been (And What Cannot Ever Be). I wasn't planning on writing one, but here it is.
Also, the lines come and go and I'm done trying to fix it. I also cannot pull up the urge to figure out why fanfiction is being such a bitch about them. If there's some random space, just pretend there's a line there. Thank you.
Please review!