Tobias is a famous rock star in this story and I am going to start it with a flashforward.
Disclaimer: I do not own The Divergent Series or any of the characters. It all belongs to Veronica Roth. The only thing I own is the plot and the possible characters I may add in the future.
Chapter 1
Never Say Never
"Love is untamed force. When we try to control it, it destroys us. When we try to imprison it, it enslaves us. When we try to understand it, it leaves us feeling lost and confused."
~Paulo Coelho
Chicago, Illinois
One Year from Now
Tobias' Point of View
They say you don't get over someone until you find someone or something better. As humans, we don't deal well with emptiness. Any empty space must be filled. Immediately. The pain of emptiness is too strong and it compels the victim to fill that place. A single moment with that empty space causes excruciating pain. That's why we run from distraction to distraction – and from attachment to attachment. Dealing with a loss and betrayal is never easy, it doesn't matter what sort of loss is the case.
The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. It just simply crushes you and there is nothing you can do to prevent it. I grew up on the road with my parents, leading a very sheltered life. To make it even worse, I never had my heart broken until now. I have never felt this kind of pain and let me just say, I hate it.
They say that time is supposed to heal you, but honestly I haven't done much healing. Time just makes things worst. There is no such thing as a cure for heartbreak out there, no matter what other people say.
Every single person has their own ways of dealing with pain. Some of them get lost in their works, some of them pick up a new hobby and some of them like to drink their sorrows away. I am one of the latter. All I seemed to have been doing lately is sitting around in my penthouse and dwelling on the events of my life that could not be changed with bottles of whiskey as my only companions. I can't imagine how pathetic I must sound right now…
Never would I have thought at the beginning that we would get this far, given the way how our relationship started. So much has happened in the last year, it almost seems surreal. What did I ever do to deserve this? Why does the universe have to punish me so much? She left not even saying goodbye after all of the things we had been through. After all of the things I had found out. I am furious at her. I am beyond angry at her for not even hesitating to leave me but I am also clearly aware of the fact that no matter how much anger I feel towards her, I could never stop loving her. I just can't. I have no idea what kind of delusion I must have been operating under, thinking that I could somehow escape the past, miraculously stop missing her by dating somebody else but sometimes your heart just needs more time to accept what your mind already knows.
It's hard when you have someone in your heart but you can't have them in your arms. Missing someone is not about how long since you've seen them or the amount of times you've talked to them. It's about that very moment when you're doing something and wishing they were right here with you. For me, almost every moment is like that.
I put down my pen after writing down the last few words of my thoughts and throw my journal to the coffee table covered with numerous pieces of paper containing the pathetic starts of a few songs I attempted to write. I am completely stuck. I haven't been able to put together one normal verse in weeks, while before I was able to finish a song in two days. It's just so frustrating and it's all because of her. I pick up my glass of whiskey, angrily downing the remains of the brown liquid with one mouthful. I enjoy the familiar burning sensation sliding down my throat and lay back on the couch, heaving a sigh. I cannot believe this is what my life has become.
All of a sudden, a set of knocks occurs on the front door and break me away from my train of thoughts. I reluctantly drag myself away from the comfort of the couch, preparing myself to send away anybody who could be on the other side of that door. I directly told my doorman that under no circumstances are visitors allowed and I do not like it when my wishes are not fulfilled. Yanking the door open, I see a pair of chocolate brown eyes, almost black as they burn with what I assume is anger. They belong to no other than my manager, Amar Morell.
He has been coming over to check on me every once in a while and of course to ask if I had made any progress with songwriting or not. He always gets the same answer. No.
Amar tried to play it off like it was not a problem each time he had been here but I knew him too well to be able to read his expressions. It goes without saying that it was never OK and I knew it each time. I knew that the label was constantly breathing down his neck but he was trying to sugarcoat the message and be understanding of my situation. To be honest, I didn't really care either. However, right now he is as far as he can be from understanding. I can see that he is fuming. His features are rigid and he has a determent face on. He is looking at me with an expression I am all too familiar with, which is an extremely huge giveaway of his reasoning for coming here. I am in big trouble.
For a couple of seconds the only thing we do is stare at each other, holding each other's gazes like two wolves that are about to duel. We wait for the other to speak up and fill the awkward silence. Neither one of us do it. As a few minutes pass, I get enough and decide to let the argument begin, preparing myself for the scolding I am about to get. Here goes nothing.
"What do you want Amar?"
I ask, heaving an annoyed sigh and walk back into the apartment. He, of course, follows me toward the kitchen and raises his voice instantly. I knew that having Amar get off my back for a little while was too good to be true and surely, to last. Not only did he never like her but he also would have preferred me to date someone more famous, saying it would be more helpful for my career.
"What I want is for you to finally realize that what you are currently doing is very much unhealthy and will not do any good for you, nor your career."
"I don't need you to tell me what is wrong or right for me, OK. I'm an adult and I can take care of myself."
I say, obviously lying. You know, sometimes it is just easier to pretend like you don't care, than to admit it's killing you inside. I just try to shuffle through the day without breaking down. Being in the spotlight has taught me well how to hide my feelings from the public, which is extremely useful as I hate when the paparazzi trails my every step around this city. I have never really been fond of showing my emotions in front of other people.
It's not I am afraid to be vulnerable but I feel like that there is a fine line between private life and my work. I love my fans from the bottom of my heart but I like to keep the aspects in my life to myself and my loved ones.
"You are not acting like one right now." – He says, as he motions with his head toward the bunch of liquor bottles all over the kitchen. - "You can't keep on drinking and your self-pity for the rest of your life." – He stops for a moment, poking my chest with his finger as he keeps on speaking. - "You have to get your act together and fast because I booked you a concert for tonight."
"Amar, how many times do I have to tell you that I don't want to do any concerts right now?"
"I know you've said that but… Tobias, you cancelled your last two concerts completely out of the blue and it goes without saying that neither the fans nor the label were very happy about it."
I stop in my trucks as I listen to the last couple of words escape his mouth and no matter how crappy it is to have the love of your life walk away from you, I actually find some truth to it. To tell you the truth, I could care less about what the label thinks, but on the other hand, I cannot keep disappointing my fans, as I owe all my success to them.
"What's the venue?"
I ask reluctantly, slowly turning around to face Amar. He has a smug look on his face, being very proud of himself as he finally found my weak point. He is very well-aware of the fact that there is nothing that I hate more than being a disappointment.
"The Pit."
"I'm not doing it." – I answer straightaway, finding my newfound excitement for this show gone as quickly as it came. I will not do a gig at that place. Not now, not ever.
"Tobias…"
"I'm just not ready to do that, all right?" – I say, walking away from here, ending the conversation right there and then.
"You're not ready for what? To get back on stage or to face him?"
Hearing my two options for this question, I am still not able to decide what exactly was holding me back. Am I ready to get back on stage and perform like nothing happened after a two-months-long hiatus? Or is he really the reason why I want to cancel this concert so much? Am I ready to face the man who has been lying to me the past 22 years of my life? Am I ready to confront the person, whom only two months ago I called my father and now he is nothing more than a stranger? I think now I know the answer to Amar's question.
"Both."
"You are going to have to solve whatever grudge you still seem to be holding because I am not letting you bail on this one, too. People are going to run out of patience and you know very well that there is no way back from that point."
"It's not that simple."
"I know but I tell you what. You go there, perform, spend a little bit of time with your fans and then you are free to leave. You don't even have to look at them, let alone talk to them."
I can't help snorting as he makes his naïve offer. It is quite funny that he actually believes that I could do an entire concert there without facing them. It is their club after all. He looks at me like I am crazy as I chuckle a little bit more at his offer. He doesn't seem to understand that facing them would not even be the biggest difficulty of the night. No, it wouldn't. On the other hand, acting like everything is alright would be more of a problem than meeting my parents for the first time in two months.
"I just don't think I could go upon that stage and act like nothing happened. I mean, the love of my life has just left me for God's sake!"
"I told you. I told you that you were going to end up hurt if you got together with her and you didn't listen to me." – He says, raising his voice a little bit, as if doing that would get his message through my head and make me admit that he has been right all along. What a joke!
"Amar, shut up! You have no idea what you are talking about."
"I just don't understand how you are still so hung up on her? You seemed fine after you started dating Nita and then you dumped her… I just don't understand it, Tobias."
"I wasn't fine Amar, I was delusional. I was thinking that I could somehow escape the past and my feelings for her if I started dating again, but I was lying to myself."
I can feel the anger boiling up inside of me as I walk into the living and set myself down on the couch. Amar, of course followed me there, too and I can see it on his voice that he wants to say something but I didn't let him. When I speak up, my voice is raspy from the lack of use and of course, from anger, while my hands are curled into fists.
"I'll do it but right now all I want is to be left the hell alone, so goodbye Amar!"
He looks dumbfounded and a little bit surprise of my outburst. It takes him a couple of minutes to process what I have just said and I wait for him to walk out of the apartment, before standing up and walking upstairs to my bedroom. I am exhausted and I need to sleep.
I jerk awake on my bed as the sound of the doorbell echoes through the house, breaking its peaceful silence. I quietly groan while cursing under my breath and slowly get out from under the covers. I don't know how long it has been since Jake left but I am still in no mood to have any kind of physical interaction with other people, but my curiosity got the better of me. I walk down the stairs and make my way over to the front door, not bothering to look through the peephole to check who it is. The door is now fully open and I am just standing there, surprised to see him standing in front of me.
"What are you doing here?"
"I came to check up on you." – He answers, as it is the most obvious thing in the world. As if I actually need to be checked up on.
"You know I am getting really tired of having to explain myself to people. I am an adult, I can take care of myself, and most importantly I do not need to be checked up on." – I answer him walking away from the front door and sitting down on my leather couch in the living room. Expectedly, he follows my lead and sits down on the armchair right across from me.
"I know that but still, can't I just come and pay a visit to my own brother?"
"Technically, I am…"
"Don't you dare say what I know you are going to say! You are my brother! You have been there for since day one, you have always supported me, hell you didn't even judge me when I came out of the closet. We have talked about this thousand times and this does not change anything."
"Yeah… For you…"
I can see it in his eyes that he is very much bothered by my comment but I just couldn't help snapping at him. Deep down inside of me, it feels very good to hear him say that but somehow I just cannot find it in me to agree with what he says. No matter how many times I have tried to come in terms with this and told myself that it changes nothing in my life, it still feels pretty awful to know that you do not share anything, no blood, no flesh with the person you thought your father was.
"Our family has…" – He tries to go on with his speech but I quickly cut him off as soon as he tries to refer to me as a member of that family.
"Your family. It is not my family."
I expected him to snap and blow up but I never really expected this. Patrick has always been the patient one in the family, always trying to solve the problems by calmly talking them over with the other party. He has never been a supporter of raising your voice, nor getting violent with the other person, but I guess intense situations get the better of the best of us.
"You know, I am getting really tired of hearing and watching you pitying yourself and licking your wounds but I never mentioned it because I wanted to be supportive of you. I wanted to make you feel like there is somebody on your side and listens to your problems, but denying your membership of this family is way out of the line." – He takes a very deep breath and a small step in my direction. His voice is now softer but kind of scratchy from yelling at me just now. - "I understand that you are angry because they lied to you but you are acting like that this tiny piece of information would actually lessen their love for you."
"They have been lying to me for the last 22 years of my life!"
"Get the fuck over it! I hate to be the one to break this to you but this whole shit is affecting my life, too, you know? First I find out that my brother, who has always protected me, who is the person I have always looked up to, is only my half-brother and now my family is slowly falling apart. I feel like everyone is getting more and more distanced and there is nothing I can do to stop it!"
"How in the hell is one able to get over something like this?"
Hearing what he said made my heart crumble and it finally enabled me to relate to what he is going through, because seeing someone you love in pain and knowing that there is nothing that you can do about it really is the worst kind of pain. I guess, I never really did think about how this entire fiasco would affect the people in my life, because I was too preoccupied dealing with my feelings about this situation.
"Did you just once during all this time think about their side of the story? You don't know what motives they could have had to do this. You do not know why they did what they did. Maybe they did it because they thought that it's best for you."
"What motives could possibly make all of this better for me? They made the decision to lie to me and that is final. I am not willing to talk about this any more than it is necessary."
"What about Tris? You didn't even let her explain. You just sent her away, calling her a liar. What would you have done, if you were to be put in her place?"
"Don't even go there!"
"You can hate us for everything that happened but you need to realize that we didn't have anything to do with her decision to leave. She chose that herself, and may I say, she had a pretty good reason."
"And what good reason would that be?"
I ask, instantly getting angry. I feel each and every muscle on my body tense and quickly stand up from the couch, feeling the urge to hit something. Every time the subject of her absence comes up I cannot help getting upset but hearing your brother say that you are part of the reason why the love of your life left you makes it even worse. I don't even know why I am surprised. He has always been straightforward and never had any filter when it comes to expressing his opinion. It's one of the many things I have always admired about him but right now, I could punch him for it.
"Your stubbornness. Tobias, you didn't even listen to what she had to say about this whole fiasco. Like I've said, you just sent her away without even knowing what actually happened, because that is what you always do whenever somebody lies to you."
"Oh, I see what is going on here. You are taking her side."
"I am not taking anyone's side Toby. I am not saying that it was right of her to leave at the first opportunity she got. All I'm trying to do is getting you to understand that you have to listen and let other people help you. You can keep lying to yourself but it goes without saying that deep down in your heart you are never going to be able to hate neither Loren nor your parents."
"Get out!"
I shout angrily, getting fed up with everyone trying to tell me what I am supposed to do. I look up from my feet, still feeling his presence in the room. He looks hurt. His posture is stern and his features show no emotion whatsoever. His hands are curled into fists, and his Adam's apple is going up and down, as he is trying to swallow down his anger. I have never seen him so rigid. For a moment, I feel a drip of guilt in the pit of my stomach. Maybe, he is right. Maybe, I did have a part in her departure… Several seconds of feeling guilty pass by as slowly everything returns. The guilt quickly fades away, as the memories of all the pain and heartbreak I experienced come flashing back. I jump up from the couch, getting my keys from the coffee table and leave my apartment with Caleb still inside. I do not look back.
I was not expecting to come here. To be honest, I just got in the car and drove where the road would take me. However, I should not be surprised. Whenever I have a problem or simply some thinking to do, I always come here. This place brings me a strange sense of comfort and helps clear my head, whatever the situation might be. I open the door of my car, instantly feeling the cold January air nipping on my skin. It is a particularly cold day here in Los Angeles with its 40 degrees. I quickly get my leather jacket from the backseat and putting it on; I begin to walk up the path that leads to the waterfall. I love coming here. It's my secret spot. It used to be our secret spot… This place has such a peaceful aura and a surprisingly big calming effect on me. It holds so many memories, both pleasant and unpleasant ones but as painful as it is to think about those, the beautiful view of the city makes up for them each time. The sound of footsteps on the ground breaks me away from my circle of thoughts. I open my eyes, directing them towards the person behind me. I let astonishment take over my features, as I watch her walk closer. I wait for her to reach the spot where I am standing and walk over to big the tree near the edge of the hill, sliding down against it into the dust.
"I knew I could find you here."
"What do you want Christina?" – I ask, heaving a sigh of annoyance. I came here to be alone and do not need any physical interaction right now.
"Can't I just pay you an unexpected visit?"
I roll my eyes at her answer. Anyone who knows Chris at least a little bit, is well-aware that she never does anything spontaneous. She always has everything planned out and even if the tiniest thing goes wrong, she flips and is ready to bite anyone's head off. That is something that I have always admired about her. She is so well-organized and knows what she wants to do with her life, not afraid to go out of her way to make it happen. I am the complete and total opposite. My problem is that I intend to live very spontaneously, not even giving a single thought to the future. Being in high school, I was never really worried about which college I would go to because I always knew what I wanted to be. A rock star.
"I know you Christina. You always have a specific purpose for doing things."
"OK. You caught me. I came here because I wanted to see you." – She admits, sitting down next to me.
"I don't believe you. You want to know why?"
She nods her head, letting me know that she wants to hear the rest of my sentence. Over the last couple of months, she and I have been pretty much avoiding each other, well because… Let's be honest, Christina and I have quite an extreme past together and the single thought of her worrying about me is just impossible to process at the moment.
"Because last time I saw you, you were ready to kill me. I had never seen you so angry before."
"Well, could you blame me? You left me to be with her." - The moment the words leave her mouth, I instantly feel the pain of guilt, like a bunch of knives in my chest. - "Listen, I'm sorry about…"
"Don't even go there!"
She cuts me off before I could apologize properly. I want to continue because I want her to know how sorry I am about everything that happened between us. I know that she says that she is over it now but I still can see that pang of pain in her eyes when this subject comes up. And I understand the reason behind that pain. I understand because I was the one who caused her that pain. I selfishly didn't think about how much harm my actions could cause to the people around me and I regret that now.
"Time has passed and I accepted your decision. I know that it took me quite a lot of time but I am over it and with everything going on in my life right now… It finally made me realize that I was acting stupid and I… Why is it so damn hard?" – She takes a deep breath before going on with her speech. - "I want to apologize for that."
That sentence is something I would've never expected to leave Christina Kravitz's mouth. No matter how hard I try, I cannot help letting out a chuckle of surprise. When it comes to apologizing, there are two kinds of people. Firstly, the people who are brave enough to admit that they are wrong. Then there are the ones, where Melissa belongs, and the ones, who would do anything to avoid apologizing. I know how hard it must be for her to do this because I am one of those people. I am not perfect. I make mistakes and I hurt people but when I apologize I really do mean it. As much as it surprised me to hear her say those words, I just couldn't let her apologize for what happened because it just doesn't feel right, because apologizing for saying what you feel is like saying sorry for being real.
"You don't have to apologize for anything, you know? I hurt you and you were upset. That is completely understandable."
"That might be true but I really want to. I was acting like a bitch and I could've handled it way better than I did."
"Who are you and what did you do with Christina?"
"I finally had some sense knocked into me… I know that you must be probably fed up with people asking you this question but how are you?"
"Could you please stop with these questions?! I am fine. How many times do I have to tell you that? It's not like the end of the world." – I exclaim, raising my voice a little it. I really have had enough of this question.
"OK… No need to get angry, I was just asking."
We don't say another thing for a quite a while, just sit there and stare at the scenery in front of us. I lean back against the tree and lay down on my back, looking up at the sky, full of stars. The quietness of the place takes over me and I close my eyes, enjoying its beautiful feeling. I can't explain it but this place is just magical. It just somehow has the power to lower the chaos in my head and help me relax until I forget about why I came here in the first place.
"Sometimes, I just wonder what was in it for her."
I finally say, after a couple of minutes passed and I can feel my voice already shaking. Over the past two months, I have been trying to figure out whether or not she had ever loved me. Whenever I told her I loved her, she would answer with a "me too" or just a simple smile and a kiss. I brushed it off each time because I thought that she was not ready but now it is all clear. She never loved me. I remember how extremely hard it was to get her on board with the idea of a relationship and I finally know why…
"You know, the day when I told her that I had started to develop feelings for her, she told me not to. She told me that love is just an illusion. She told me to stay away from her because I would eventually end up getting hurt." – I choke up, as tears stream out of my eyes. I quickly wipe them away and continue voicing my thoughts. - "She warned me, but I didn't listen to her because I thought I could change her perspective of love… I should have listened to her."
"OK, that is enough. I will not let you actually believe the sentence that has just left your mouth. You love her and she loves you, too. I just know that."
"How could you possibly know that? You can't see into her head."
"I don't have to be able to do such thing, because the way she looked at you told me everything. She looked you with such admiration and love, the same way you looked at her… If that is not love, then I don't know what is."
"Why are you defending her? You didn't even like her."
"You have no clue how I felt or feel about her."
That must be the most ridiculous thing I have heard in weeks and I surprisingly I feel a wholehearted laughter slip through lips. Oh God, it feels amazing to finally laugh again. I have missed this. As much as I have tried to deny it, I really did miss these free and informal conversations and laughter. Lately, all I seem to have done was drinking my sorrows away and sitting in my house alone.
"Ok, I admit that at first I wasn't really fond of her… Or I literally hated her but I knew that she made you happy and because of that, I am happy… You love her, so she must be something special."
"Christina…"
"Don't even try to deny it." – She cries out, cutting me off before I could anything else. - "You have never looked at me the way you looked at her."
"Well, that may be true but now I have moved on."
"Tobias, you can keep saying that to yourself but we know you better than you know yourself. She…"
All of a sudden, she makes a quick stop, cutting herself off before she could have gone further. I see it in her eyes that she wants to continue but she finally realizes that there is no use in doing that and decides otherwise. It's not like there is anything else left to be said. She gently places her hand on my shoulder and gives it a little a squeeze, while trying to find the right words to declare her thoughts.
"She really loved you. Always remember that!"
Just like that, she stands up and with a reassuring smile on her face she walks away.
After an extremely long talk with myself, I have come to the decision that I am going to pass on this gig. I have really missed being on the stage and the feeling I always get when I see people wanting to hear my music. It is the reason why I do this after all. I do this because I want to make people happy. I want to inspire people to follow their dreams because that is what life is about. The world is too big to stay in one place and life is just too short to do only one thing. I realized that what I have been doing is wrong. It was wrong because I shouldn't have let the pain affect my life so much. I should have drawn from it and grow as a person. I should have, because from every wound there is a scar, and every scar tells a story. A story that says, I survived.
Once I found a spot to park my SUV, I walk through the entrance of the club, drawing away the curtains and I step inside trying to avoid seeing my parents as much as I could manage, which seems almost impossible at the moment considering that they own the place. Walking further into the building, I take a note of the fact that it is unusually quiet in here, so much that I can hear my own heart beating. For a stranger this place would look like an old, beaten bar but for me, it brings out a set of pleasant childhood memories. At least, it used to… I was almost completely lost to my train of thoughts when I hear the all too familiar voices that belong to no other than my parents. They are standing by the bar with astonished looks on their faces.
"Eddie?"
I don't wait another second and quickly rush toward the corridor that leads to the dressing rooms. I know that I said that I would do things differently but I am still not ready to face them. It is just a lot to process.
"Eddie, please stop! Why are you doing this?"
"I don't know maybe because you guys have been lying to me for the last 22 years of my life. I think I have a right to be angry at you Andrew."
My father was about to say something but fortunately, at least for me, Amar walks through the entrance and saves me from any further interaction with them.
"Here is the superstar. I am so glad that you made up your mind."
"Whatever, let's just get this thing over with."
"Alright. I was thinking that you should start off the night with…"
"Stop it, right there! I already know what I am going to play."
"Ok. What is it?"
"A new song."
"Tobias, I thought that we have already discussed this. You can't just go up there and…"
"I will play what I want to play. It's my music, not yours, nor is it the label's. End of discussion."
I walk away from him, making sure to bump my shoulder into his. It is enough that he is trying to tell me what to do with my personal life but I am not going to let him control my music, too. I slam the door of my dressing room and lie down on the couch, trying to relax and get my thoughts straight before I have to go on stage. This is the first time in months that I have to perform in front of a crowd and I am beyond excited. I know that I have been quite passive, lately but the conversation I had with Christina made realize a couple of things regarding my life and well her. Now I see that I have never actually given her the opportunity to explain herself. Everybody is right. It is my fault entirely that she is gone and now I am paying for the consequences of my actions. My thoughts are pushed away from my mind when one of the stage managers comes into the room, letting me know that I have 5 minutes left until show time. The loud chatter of the people in the club fills up the whole building, keeping my mind from drifting away. I need to concentrate and give my best out there.
"Hello! Thank you guys so much for coming out tonight. I appreciate it. I know that I have been kind of inactive, lately, but… Let's just say that I had some shit going on in the last couple of weeks and found some shocking things out. I hope you understand. This is a new song that I recently wrote for a special someone. I hope you guys like it."
I know you're somewhere out there
Somewhere far away
I want you back
I want you back
My neighbors think I'm crazy
But they don't understand
You're all I had
You're all I had
[Chorus:]
At night when the stars light up my room
I sit by myself talking to the moon.
Trying to get to you
In hopes you're on the other side talking to me too.
Or am I a fool who sits alone talking to the moon?
Ohoooo...
I'm feeling like I'm famous
The talk of the town
They say I've gone mad
Yeah, I've gone mad
But they don't know what I know
Cause when the sun goes down
Someone's talking back
Yeah, they're talking back
Ohhh
[Chorus:]
At night when the stars light up my room
I sit by myself talking to the moon.
Trying to get to you
In hopes you're on the other side talking to me too.
Or am I a fool who sits alone talking to the moon?
Ahh... Ahh... Ahh...
Do you ever hear me calling?
(Ahh... Ahh... Ahh...)
Oh ohh oh oh ohhh
'Cause every night I'm talking to the moon
Still trying to get to you
In hopes you're on the other side talking to me too
Or am I a fool who sits alone talking to the moon?
Ohoooo...
I know you're somewhere out there
Somewhere far away
/Talking To The Moon by Bruno Mars/
"I love you so much…"
I whisper, feeling a single tear stream down my cheek. I don't even bother wiping it away because I know that there is no use in doing that. Over the last months, I have come to learn to hide my emotion quite well, not only at public but also in anywhere private and right now I am just forgetting everything. I jump from the piano bench, rushing off the stage without any sorts of goodbye whatsoever. I quickly storm toward a corridor on the left side of the room, in attempts to avoid the intense stares of the audience following every single one of my steps out of the building. Having all of those people looking at me all at once started to make me feel like I was suffocating and I was in desperate need of fresh air. Therefore I walked toward the metal doors on the back of the hallway and pushing them open, I entered a dark alleyway right behind the club. The stink of the garbage in the dumpsters near the metal doors hits my nose immediately and I try to get as far away from them as I can. The blistering blue neon lights of the small bar opposite the street are starting to hurt my eyes, making me look up at the sky. Ever since I could remember, I have always loved looking at the sky, particularly the moon, admiring the way it is uniquely popping out in the sea of stars surrounding it. In rapid couple of seconds, I realize it is full moon tonight, which brings me back to my childhood when my parents and I would go up the hill by our house and gaze at the stars together.
Just looking up at the infinite sky makes the fact how large this world actually is even more realistic. She could be anywhere right now. She could be in London, in Tokyo or in a country I have never even heard of. I may never see her again but I have to try. I have to try because if I don't I know that I would regret that for the rest of my life.
I remember how much we used to mean to each other. I loved her so much that I would have never thought I could love anybody else and now she is gone. I want that back. I miss her and I just can't break it to myself that it's over. As simple as that. Since I was young I have always known this: life damages us, everyone in every way possible and as sad as it sounds, we can't escape that damage.
She always had hope for whatever coming next and never once gave up until she got what she wanted. It was fascinating to watch her taking on the challenges of life and always coming out of them stronger than before, if that was even possible. I want to be like that.
I made the decision to try and find her and make everything better, because one of the most important things I have learnt from her is that I should
Never Say Never.
Music credit: Talking To The Moon by Bruno Mars
Quote credits:
"Missing someone isn't about how long since you've seen them or the amount of times you've talked to them. It's about that very moment when you're doing something and wishing they were right there with you"
"They say you don't get over someone until you find someone or something better. As humans, we don't deal well with emptiness. Any empty space must be filled. Immediately. The pain of emptiness is too strong. It compels the victim to fill that place. A single moment with that empty space causes excruciating pain. That's why we run from distraction to distraction – and from attachment to attachment" by Yasmin Mogahed
"The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too." by Ernest Hemingway, Men Without
"I grew up on the road with my parents. A very sheltered life. I didn't really have the ride of passage most of kids do. I never had my heart broken until now." from Hollywood Heights
"Love is untamed force. When we try to control it, it destroys us. When we try to imprison it, it enslaves us. When we try to understand it, it leaves us feeling lost and confused." by Paulo Coelho
"Since I was young I have always known this: life damages us, everyone. We can't escape that damage." by Veronica Roth from Allegiant
"From every wound there is a scar, and every scar tells a story. A story that says, I survived."