"Negative…"
"Negative…..that's good…right?"
Jonny's words echoed in Jac's head as she walked to her office and once inside, sank down into her chair. Good, of course it was good! She couldn't have a baby – she didn't have the time, the will or the room in her life, in her heart for one. And a negative result had spared her 'that' decision, although decision was probably the wrong word, she was sure she wouldn't have needed to even think about it. A baby! Just ridiculous, she couldn't, wouldn't have a baby – it wouldn't be fair: she didn't have enough love to spare for herself, let alone a baby (and if there was one thing Jac knew a baby needed it was love)
Although…..she knew she could love a baby like Freya (knew because she had). Little Freya whose progress she still monitored on the hospital system. Checking whether her mother was bringing her to her follow-up out-patient appointments, and that she was still doing OK by reading the clinic letters that were sent out after those same appointments. Freya who's blue eyes and ready smile had, and Jac knew this to be true, stolen her heart away from her when she wasn't paying attention and returned it, with a little piece missing, when she'd left the hospital with her mum. Freya who was, according to the latest clinic letter 'meeting all her milestones, thriving, in fact, under the excellent care of a committed and caring mother' – and Jac was pleased (although she knew she'd carry on checking the letters just to make sure that everything was as it should be).
But still, Freya aside, Jac wasn't really into children – although she seemed to be gathering an alarming number of god-children (three so far with another potential one on the way) so evidently some people did see her as some sort of mother material. Although what she'd do if godmothering ever became more than a half hour ceremony and a present each birthday, heaven only knew. Imagine if something happened to any of her god-children's parents and she was expected to take them in and be a substitute mother (which she was sure was part of the deal with being a god parent). On second thoughts – let's not imagine that – way too scary a proposition, and anyway, never likely to happen – all her godchildren had other, much more qualified people in their lives, who could take them on if the worst should happen. She'd never really considered it before but three godchildren did seem like quite a lot, I mean, she knew that Princess Diana had about 16, but three for an everyday normal person did seem excessive. Maybe people felt sorry for her – thinking that she'd never have any kids of her own, and that being a godmother was the next best thing. Although, that didn't really make sense – Phoebe was 10 now after all, and Lily was 6 so when they were born there was no question of her not being able to have children if she'd wanted to. What was it Assumpta had said when she'd asked her to be Alexi's godmother, 'but you're so good with the boys Jac, you're the perfect person for us to ask'. And Jac had to admit she was good with kids, surprisingly good actually. She could nearly always get them to stop crying – Freya, Daisha's Joe, Jess Griffin's Jake, Mo's what was it ..oh yes William, Daniel, Harry, she did seem to have a knack with them.
Oh God, now she'd done it…Harry, Joseph's Harry. Harry who she could see, from the photos Joseph sent her with his letters, looked so much like his daddy, with only the very faintest hint of Faye about him. Harry who had his daddy's blue eyes and sweet smile and who was, like Freya, thriving under the excellent care of his committed and caring father. You could tell from the photos, how happy Harry was, how secure - you could see it in his eyes. Every time Jac opened her cereal cupboard she saw them, the photos, stuck to the inside of the door – an ever expanding mosaic of Harry. Joseph sent her a photo, sometimes two, each time he wrote, and Jac was aware that'd she need to start finding somewhere else to put them soon – the cupboard door was almost full. There was room on the fridge, and amongst the other photos, there was one, just one of Harry. This one was different to the others though, it had Joseph on it too - Jac had taken it of them both in that short, sweet time between Harry's birth and Joseph's departure. They'd been to the park - Joseph, Harry and her – fed the ducks, sat on the swings, and Jac had taken a photo of Joseph, sitting on a bench, holding Harry, because he just looked SO happy, and she'd wanted to capture that moment forever. Joseph only ever sent photos of Harry, never any of him and Harry, as if he knew that would be too much for Jac to bear. His letters too showed his consideration of her feelings. Those letters, which Jac dreaded and loved receiving – three or four pages, handwritten, in his beautiful cursive script (Joseph was the only doctor Jac had ever met, herself included, who's writing was not only legible but lovely!) . They were full of Harry – what he was doing, and more recently saying, how big he was getting, the mischief he was making. There was very little about Joseph and his life – he'd mention funny incidents with patients, things he'd done with Harry, places he'd been to visit but nothing really of any consequence. Jac was waiting, and dreading the moment when he would, write about someone new in his life - and still nearly two years later – there wasn't even a hint of this. Jac often wondered if he wasn't protecting her from this truth – but then she'd heard nothing from Elliott or Connie about this either, and she didn't see why he would censor what he told them. She knew that he emailed and phoned both of them, but it seemed right to her that their relationship should be maintained via letters – more permanent and purposeful than any other form of communication, rather like their relationship she thought! Her letters to him were similarly light on her life, generally shorter than his, half a page, a page at most (she'd never been good at small talk) and full of hospital gossip and patient anecdotes ('mad horsewoman' would be good for that!) but very little about her life, but always signed, as were his "All my love", which she hoped was still as true for him as it was for her. Although, now there was Jonny….
She hadn't told Joseph about Jonny and her – how do you tell the love of your life (and Jac was under no illusions that that's what Joseph was to her) that you're seeing someone else? And that even though YOU haven't moved on, your life has? She didn't know! Maybe this was her opening… 'I had a bit of a scare recently' her next letter could read, 'thought I might be pregnant by Jonny, you know that nurse I told you about who's part of the transplant team. And no, my standards haven't dropped since you left – he lied to get me into bed the first time – told me he was a brain surgeon!' Jac smiled at the thought.'And he's nice and funny, and he's got a really lovely Scottish accent (sounds a bit like Sean Connery) and we're great in bed together'. No, maybe not….possibly in this case discretion is the better part of valour, or maybe she was just too scared to go down th…
Jac's thoughts were interrupted by her phone beeping – she had a text. Actually, she had three – all from Jil. She scrolled down the page to look at the first one, received 14.53:
'Someone help me. Mandatory training is driving me mad! Like I don't know how to wash my hands! Hope you're ok?'
Then the second one, received 16.17:
'Any news?'
And finally the one which had disturbed her reverie, received 17.24
'Call me if you need to talk'
So it seemed Jonny and Mo weren't the only best friends who were telepathically linked! Jac pressed a button and her phone dialled Jil's number, she picked up almost immediately, and Jac could hear the concern in her voice as she said:
"Hi Jac. I was just thinking about you – are you OK?"
And Jac answered the question her friend hadn't asked, but which she knew she'd meant, in the same way she'd told Jonny: "Negative"
"Oh Jac, sweetheart, I'm sorry"
And with that contrary, but totally typical response from her friend, Jac realised "So am I". And then, the tears came….
Later, after the tears had stopped, and Jac and Jil had talked and talked, they concluded that, even though rationally, it was probably for the best that Jac wasn't pregnant, this didn't mean that, on an emotional level, she couldn't be upset about it.
Much later, after the phone call with her best friend had finished, and Jac had marshalled her thoughts to something approaching order she was able to reflect on the day and realised that she didn't not want a baby anymore. Which said something, was something- although she had no idea what yet…..