Okay, a small collection of monologues, I posted over at Teaspoon based around the song Closer – Kings of Leon. It is going to be part of an AU series set after S4, a reuinon/BadWolf fic.

I own nothing, only borrow tentatively.

*****

Her faded golden hair splays out behind on her on the chair, the nylon coated fabric on the seat summons the fine hairs from her neck and curls them gently as they obey the laws of the universe. Atoms clinging to atoms as they spin. As they all spin.

Her posture seems relaxed, spine gently curved and her closed eyes, smudged with dark purple shadows, seem to swallow up her pale unadorned face even in repose. Another glance reveals a fading burgundy rucksack tucked tight between her knees, hands clutched fast to the strap.

She's done this before.

Lost something.

Lost you.

The train slows and a lull in the engines brings her eyes open, revealing an awareness that only experienced survivors can achieve. Her sherry eyes look flat, empty and the shine is so obviously missing it makes your breath catch. The hands tighten on the woven plastic handles and her knuckles whiten with the effort. A small frown creases her forehead and the familiar action makes your stomach clench. In a sickening rush, time shows you again that singular possibility of millions. Her face shows you again the path you chose.

The pain that rolls through you surprises you because you're still not expecting it, even with all you've seen, you still can't believe you'll do it.

After standing on that Impossible Planet, pledging your faith so unequivocally in her, acknowledging that blistering love for her you made a choice. And suddenly, maddeningly, all those ephemeral probabilities had shown themselves to your unwilling mind. You'd left her sleeping in her mother's flat dreaming of flying stingray, after returning from Ulix. A barren planet, but beautiful in its emptiness and you'd taken her there because you wanted to wow her, cause her hand to reach for yours.

Because you wanted to hear her say that word. Even though you know the lie.

"How long are you going to stay with me?"

"Forever."

Then you travelled to that nebulous future, increasing the strain of two splintering universes to go back to Pete's earth. Travelled through the rift and through time and you came too far.

Went forward into a time where you'd killed them both.

You want to comfort her, reveal yourself because you know that will ease her pain, and at that moment you will do anything to stop her grief. And she is grieving. The other you has told you. Jackie has told you.

You've lost her to your own words.

You want to hold her, convince her that you won't do the things you've already done, yet to do. Will do more than just burn up a sun to say goodbye, will destroy a galaxy to get her back.

Will do anything to keep her safe, anything but leave her unprotected in this terrible game. Panic rips through you, for her, for him, and for what you must endure. The words you'll force yourself to say. The words you'll convince to stay quiet.

That tight frenzy of knowledge the other him told you earlier hums in your mind, that quiet, solemn flicker of hope is all that stops you.

Keeps you in your seat.

Stranded in this spooky town
Stoplights are swaying and the phone lines are down
This floor is crackling cold
She took my heart, I think she took my soul

He'd known why he'd done it. Would do it again. And again even.

Because just imagine the consequences.

He could.

Before she'd changed him in so many ways, back before when it had been tolerable to gaze upon her, it had been cooler. A love cast in shadows and ice, made romantic in moonlight, a gentle game of wolf and prey, that slow dance of him and her. He'd gloried in her potential power, so naive as to what was to come

He'd held his control with an iron grip and known that she would never have him all.

With the moon I run
Far from the carnage of the fiery sun
Driven by the strangled vein
Showing no mercy I do it again

Then he'd watched her blaze for him, watched her change the universe for him. Then he'd fused his lips with hers, one loving, giving, romantic act of life for her and his world had exploded in flames. That fierce blinding light that has seared the moonlight haze from his vision. That stripped him of his romantic ideals, that he could love her, fall so hard and far, and yet not leave himself damaged.

Burned.

And oh, how he had burned. Burned for her, for them. Fallen like Icarus, diving head first into that incandescent pyre.

And he thought, for one moment, remembered that querulous feeling that he might not pull through the sizzling inferno that coated his nerves. That he would raze in ecstasy; his phoenix lost in his own ashes.

But he had. Eyes un-fixed, gaze raw he'd seen her in her exquisite shining glory.

How could he have denied himself that siren's call. Who could have predicted it, The Last Time Lord, entranced in the sight of the Bad Wolf. Rose had saved him and damned him in that same hitched breath.

Open up your eye
You keep on crying, baby
I'll bleed you dry

Because since that moment it hadn't been soft, a balm that slowly teased. He had no illusions now, his love for her was crude, unsophisticated and fizzed through him, strengthening him, emboldening him. It made him want to give it all up and tear it all down for her.

And that couldn't happen, because he wasn't done yet, hasn't finished paying his penance. It's not that he doesn't want her, always, achingly in a way like no other. No it's that he wants her too much.

With a final twist of his hand in his hair he allows himself to feel his guilt, a brief respite from the empty ache of her absence.

He should have told her that, but damn it there were consequences.

The skies are blinking at me
I see a storm bubbling up from the sea
And it's coming closer

I know why he's done it. And I know that he'd do it again. Again Even.

Because he's terrified. Because she loves him.

And that's okay, I won't pretend. Being human has tamed the fire of loving her. Donna's pragmatism has reined it in. And though I still remember it all, still contain all those thoughts in my head, my one heart beats surer now that time doesn't tease me with possibilities. It's comfortable, secure, Rose and I are friends. And we'll all take this time he's given us to heal.

And then we'll go back.

it's coming closer

Because there are so many factors he didn't consider. Because, when he looks at her, he can't see, lost in a game of celestial making, fulfilling their roles, dancing their parts. He doesn't see how much she's changed. Still changing and oh just wait till he sees. She'll burn.

So we'll wait, build, re-strengthen the dreams. And then we'll go back.

Consequences be damned.

You, shimmy shook my bones
Leaving me stranded all in love on my own

I keep expecting it to stop. Never understood what he meant until now, but it's not like it can be switched off.

Powering down love.

It's strange how things ended up, like my own personal purgatory all over again only this time I don't even have him.

I bite my already raw lip, trying to not to wonder why I'm feeling so relaxed considering my train of thought. I haven't felt this good in years.

Hah I know that my feelings are not reflected on my physical shell. I know my face is pale, my eyes are bruised and I'm losing weight. But I feel calm and it's been years since I've felt that way.

I look really good for my age.

But I don't belong here, so I'm leaving. I remember this. I remember him arriving, me being left here, dreading and hoping that day when I'd get something of him back. Knowing that one day I'd be alone again. My head was still spinning, still unable to process that conversation on the beach. I'd waited so long to know I'd forgotten what it was I wanted to hear and I'd been unprepared for their answer.

Forever. His Forever.

And now it wasn't enough.

None of that matters now, because I've gone away, and my wonderful human Doctor will send me a familiar stranger when it's done. When they're ready, when I'm ready, when I can go back.

I will be older. And I must wait, my turn walking the slow path.

What do you think of me
Where am I now? Baby where do I sleep
Feel so good but I'm old,
2000 years of chasing taking its toll

I sigh and open my eyes as the train slows. The engine lulls and for a moment that searing silence is almost overwhelming, a physical pressure against my skin. That's why I like it, because it's noisy. Because sometimes its fast and because it's slightly uncomfortable, just like home.

Only it's not home anymore. Not for me.

A flare of pain registers in my mind, shocking me in its intensity and I'm surprised because for once it's not mine. But I know this, have felt this energy entangled in my head since I was born. Have spent decades analysing its furious call and the pain it's absence causes.

He's here. My breath stutters. It begins.

Some when in the future my wait is nearly over, somewhere in the world I will be packing up and moving on, and it is that slow reassurance of patience that stops me turning. Stops my eyes searching for his and taking solace in his breaking hearts. Because it will be worth it, that I can feel that as the slide of time grips its fingers on me, paralyses me.

And it's coming closer

Keeps me in my seat.