Disclaimer - I do not own 'The Slayers,' it belongs to Hajime Kanzaka / Rui Araizumi / Kadokawa Shoten / TV TOKYO / SOFTX / Marubeni. I do own Kate, though her ringing staff is debatable.
When the Gods Were Bored
In the middle of a forest, the birds are chirping, the bees are buzzing, and there were seven people in the middle of the forest, three of them were spawned in the tall grass still out cold, only four were awake. A blonde haired woman with a white cloak, a blond man in blue armour, a woman with dark grey hair, and a masked man in beige.
"Tell me how we got into this mess." Filia asked in a tired voice as she flopped down face first into the tall grass.
"Well," Gourry spoke up in a soft voice, sitting up. "I believe it all started when you decided that there is this fabulous treasure in these caves over at Enduring Mountains that you just have to possess. We found the treasure in the caves just like the map said, but when you went up to touch it, a bright light emitted from it, and I guess we must have passed out. The next thing I know, I woke up with a pounding headache and here we are."
"But it still doesn't explain why Zel is the only one not effected!" Filia screamed in frustration, her tail popped out from beneath her dress. She waved her tail around like a flag while at the same time letting everyone who's looking in her direction a good look at her legs and *ahem*.
Sylphiel rushed up to the angry Ryuzoku and attempted to calm her down. "Lina-san, you might be in my body, but can you please not let everyone see everything? Especially that namagomi!" She said glaring at Xelloss, who was still out of commission and couldn't possibly notice the death glares coming from the normally gentle priestess, or as we should all figured out by now, Filia.
"Don't worry," Amelia said suddenly jumping up and striking a pose. "Justice would not let you suffer in this vile body switch, in these dark times; us allies of justice must work together and undo this wretched curse!"
"Correction," Lina said, a bit grumpy that Amelia could still say justice speeches at a time like this. "Looks like Amelia wasn't effected either."
The current occupant of Lina's body suddenly sat up in the tall grass rubbing her eyes and gave a sleepy yawn, when she saw Gourry; her jaw dropped and rubbed her eyes again. She looked down at her body, slapped herself a couple of times before passing out from sheer shock.
"As for the question why Zelgadiss-san is still Zelgadiss-san, maybe it's because he's already cursed." Amelia continued, obvious to everything around her.
"Thanks for pointing that out Amelia," a depressed chimera mumbled from beneath his hood.
"Whatever," Lina waved for her friends to be quiet. "What we need to do now, is undo this body switch so we can get on with our lives. That means we have to leave this forest and find something to eat first!"
"Urr...Fil- I mean Lina-san, just exactly what does eating has to do with undoing the spell?" Sylphiel in Gourry's body asked.
"Nothing except I'm hungry." Lina replied. "Now who's going to carry those two?" Jerking her thumb toward Lina and Xelloss' bodies. It's very strange looking at herself from the outside, you're still you, and your body is still here, except you're not in it anymore. It's making Lina dizzy just looking at the familiar face and red hair.
Out of habit, everyone looks to Gourry and Zel, except one of them wasn't Gourry. Sylphiel was having trouble adjusting to Gourry's greater height and was having trouble even standing straight, so everyone's eyes turned to Zel instead.
Zelgadiss sweatdropped a bit and stammered, "I'm not carrying that fruitcake, I'll carry Lina, I mean her body." That sounded awkward, especially with Lina there listening to everything.
"Don't try any funny stuff with my body," Lina warned Zel with a meaningful glare. "So I guess it's up to me to carry Xelloss."
"NO!" Filia yelled, seeing the body of the usually gentle priestess raise her voice was disturbing. "You will not use MY body to carry that filthy namagomi!"
"You can't tell me what to do!" Lina yelled back and her tail popped out from beneath her dress once again.
Zelgadiss rolled his eyes, this is getting weirder by the second.
A high pitched scream was heard coming from behind them, "Aieee!" The rest of the group turned around and saw that 'Lina' was up, and screaming.
"It looks like you're going to have to carry Xelloss-san now Zelgadiss-san," Amelia chirped happily sliding up beside him.
Zelgadiss gave Amelia a look that said, 'I am doing no such thing' or the classic 'Who are you and what have you done to Amelia?'
"Cause Filia-san is never going to let Lina-san carry Xelloss-san and Sylphiel-san doesn't look to be able to hold herself up much less carry Xelloss-san. So! As a fellow ally of justice you must carry Xelloss-san no matter how much you dislike it because it's the right thing to do!" Amelia continued, and would have gone on, but the author doesn't think boring people to death is a good idea.
Zelgadiss looked over to the still arguing Sylphiel and Filia, no, he mentally corrected himself, its Filia and Lina. Zel walked over to the prone form of Xelloss and slugged him over his shoulder and motioned for Amelia to pick up his staff. This is going to be a long day.
The group was back on the road heading toward the nearest town so that Lina could get something to eat. If it were up to the other half of the group, they would all march back to the caves and try to undo the curse. Amelia was singing "Otome no Inori" making everyone short tempered at her. Gourry was the hardest hit, he couldn't get over the fact that he's now a she.
"Why am I a girl? This is even worse then the time I was dressed up as one, and that Vol-what his name swore eternal love to me." Gourry mumbled to himself as he walked with his head down. "It might be okay if Lina have bigger breasts."
"What did you SAY?!?!" Lina yelled from behind him, before giving him a good whack with Filia's mace.
"Itai...."
Well, just when they all think it couldn't get any worse... BAM!!
"Don't say that!" Lina hit the narrator from behind. "You're going to jinx us!"
"Ur...Lina, who were you just talking to?"
"Oh, nobody." ^^;
Anyway, it started raining, it started out as a drizzle, but it soon began to rain buckets, very big buckets. Because of an irritated narrator, the town is an hour away, and the group can see the town with its inviting lights and the warm, dry, inn at the bottom of the hill; they can't hear any music, but they're sure its there.
"It's not fair!!" Lina screamed at no one in particular.
Zelgadiss has let Xelloss off his shoulder so that he can put on his hood. He toyed with the idea of just letting the fruitcake fall into the mud, preferably face first, but the idea of picking said fruitcake back up and getting his outfit dirtied or wasting magic on the loon didn't appeal to him. So, he just props Xelloss on his feet holding him with one arm and used the other to put his hood on.
Just at that moment, Xelloss began to wake, he opened his eyes to see Zelgadiss holding him, and promptly blushed.
Zelgadiss looked down just as Xelloss wakes. Typical, that fruitcake wakes just at a potentially embarrassing moment, bet he's going to us it against me as well.
Now just for fun, let see what Xelloss was thinking!
Zelgadiss-san is holding me? What is going on? Then he fell into the mud as Zel lets go.
"Zelgadiss-san why are you being so mean?" Xelloss cried.
"Gee, I don't know, maybe because it's you?"
"Zelgadiss-san," Xelloss picked himself up, ran up to Zel, and immediately started screaming.
"Now what," an already irritated sorceress asked, she stomped up to a wailing Xelloss and demanded to know what's going on.
"Filia-san! First, Zelgadiss-san was mean to me and I have no idea why," Xelloss began, "then I found out I'm Xellos-san, I mean I look like Xelloss-san, but I'm really over there." He pointed to a puzzled Amelia still holding Xelloss' staff.
Amelia marched over to the crying Xelloss. "Xelloss-san," she scolded, "it's not right to play with people's mind, especially when we're all tired, hungry and wet."
"But I am Amelia! Lina-san," he said looking to the red haired sorceress, now Gourry. "You can't believe what this- this impostor is saying!"
"Stop playing around Xelloss-san, it is not just." Amelia said.
"That's my line!"
"Enough! Okay, there is only one way to find out! Filia?" Lina asked holding out the mace. "If you will?"
"Thank you." Filia said accepting the mace, but the mace proved to be too heavy for Sylphiel's body and she dropped it.
"Here Filia-san, use this!" Sylphiel in Gourry's body said and handed Filia her wand.
"Namagomi!" Filia screamed as she brings the wand toward Xelloss' head. WHACK! And Amelia was send flying toward the village. "Yeah, I still got it!" Filia posed and made a victory sign.
When they arrived at the inn, a bit wet, and more then a little muddy, the innkeeper's wife refused to let the group in until they had a bath.
"Fine fine, whatever." Lina said as she grabs Gourry and headed toward the baths.
"But I'm don't need you to give me a bath!" Gourry protests.
"Yeah right I'm going to let you see my body, I'm blind folding you and giving you a bath."
A muddy Amelia, now in Xelloss' body follows Lina and drags an equally muddy Xelloss in Amelia's body kicking and screaming after her to the baths. "You too Xelloss-san, and you're also getting a blind fold."
To an outsider, it looks as if a blonde haired woman and her purple haired husband dragging their unruly children to the baths.
"WHAT?!?!" Filia and Xelloss screamed in unison and proceed beat the narrator into the ground.
That night the group shared two rooms because they couldn't figure out a good sleeping arrangement. They were all settling down to sleep when the Beastmaster calls Xelloss for the nth time via a cell phone, she has been calling since the baths, and everyone was a little pissed off when the little phone ran once again. Amelia answers the phone and yelled at the Beastmaster. "Will you please stop calling! Xelloss is not at home right now, please try your call again later."
"Congratulation Amelia! You're the first person to yell at the Beastmaster in a millennia." Xelloss said with a smile, then he began to sing "Otome no Inori."
"Will you stop it!" Amelia whined painfully, and the rest of the group screamed at Xelloss.
Revenge is sweet.
The next day, they returned to the caverns, nothing interesting enough to worth reporting happened on their way back. Just a bandit group who hadn't had the fortune to meet Lina Inverse yet, now they do.
When they got to the caves they heard deja-vu all over again, in the form of a tiny pink haired little girl, holding a seven-foot ringing staff. :Ring:
"You!" Lina screamed when she saw the familiar pink hair and clanking staff.
"Hi minna-san! What are you all doing here?" Kate asked it an ultra kawaii voice.
"I can ask the same of you!" Lina screamed at the young girl.
"Why, what any bored, young immortal with lots of power do! Make cursed treasures!"
Some times later, when they're back in the inn in their respective bodies.
"Here's the map to all the cursed treasures I made, sell it to some suckers for a lot of money if you want." Kate said tossing the map to Lina and disappeared with a flash.
On the road again, Amelia brought up the question we all are asking ourselves. "So what are you going to do with the map Lina-san?"
"Make copies and sell them, lots and lots of copies."
~end~