bleeding ink
by katie
this is me bleeding onto paper.
*
1 – feeling extremely sad or empty
"Hey, Shane."
Shane Gray looks up to see the warm brown eyes of Caitlyn Gellar, a smile gracing her sharp, distinct features. She was beautiful, of that Shane is certain, but the sparkle in her eyes means nothing to him.
Shane Gray smiles back a big, fake, plastic grin that she would fall for of course, because Caitlyn Gellar's only concern is Caitlyn Gellar. Shane Gray looks fine on the outside; never mind the inside. What is concealed is irrelevant.
Out of sight, out of mind.
"Caitlyn," he greeted and set down the notebook he was writing in – bleeding bold black ink.
"Hey, will you be okay to run the music for Final Jam? The tracks I produced?"
Caitlyn looks hopeful. Even though Shane wants to tell her the the truth (because no he doesn't want to play her pre-fucking-recorded tracks, who the hell would?), a contradictory confirmation slips through his lips.
He swallows.
He has said yes.
And Caitlyn has yet to notice the way he cringes at her thank you.
2 – crying easily or for no apparent reason
Shane Gray doesn't cry because well, it's self-explanatory. He's Shane Gray, and Shane Gray isn't supposed to cry, like some lovesick teenage girl. The lead singer of Connect Three is young and fresh, and he has no reason to cry anyways,
He has supportive parents and two loving brothers and a pretty girlfriend; isn't that enough for him? Isn't a multi-million dollar record deal good enough?
It doesn't matter what's good enough.
What matters is the fact that Shane Gray hides away in his bedroom with the door shut and his lights off, and he lets silent tears fall down his cheeks.
He just wants to feel better, and the way the hot tears sting his cheeks is almost comforting.
Almost.
3 – feeling hopeless, worthless, or guilty
"Baby, are you home?" Mitchie Torres asks as she walks into the Grays' home. It's the week after Camp Rock ended, and she came up to surprise him. Because she just happened to notice the way he cringed as the camera flash took one final picture of the camp counselors.
Shane Gray doesn't answer. He stills his breathing in his bedroom, and grips the bedsheets until his knuckles turn white.
"Shane?" Mitchie inquires one more time, and in his bedroom, and turns the knob of his bedroom door. Shane swallows. Mitchie smiles when she sees him. "Hey."
"Hey," Shane says and puts on a happy face, opening his arms to her. The moment he wraps his arms around her, a lump rises in his throat. He'll never be good enough for Mitchie. She deserves someone whole, who doesn't need to feel needed.
"Hey, are you okay?" Mitchie asks gently and sets a tentative hand on Shane's cheek.
"Yeah, why?" Shane smiles, guilt and bile rising to the back of his throat because he's lying.
"Okay. You just looked a little down the other day."
And Shane Gray wants to scream, "A little doesn't cover it," but he doesn't and bites back the words.
4 – loss of enjoyment in things that were once pleasurable
The crowd screams, a deafening roar. Teenage girls proclaim their love and sing song lyrics hopelessly off key, causing Shane Gray's hearing to falter.
He used to love this; get an adrenaline rush simply by picking up his microphone. And now, he never wants to sing again.
Because it's lies that come out of his mouth. There is no truth behind the lyrics. With every "When You Look Me In The Eyes" and "Hello Beautiful," Shane Gray cares about singing and music less and less.
He wants silence; he wants to turn off the radio for a while and not hear his own voice singing pretty lies. Because that's all they are.
5 – lack of energy
"Dude, wake the hell up. It's ten in the damn morning, and we have an interview in like an hour. Get your lazy ass in gear," Nate Gray pulls on Shane's leg to get him to wake up.
Shane groans and shakes his head, weakly, in a defeated sort of way. "Go away."
Nate lets out a frustrated huff, in a way that only Nate Gray can pull off, and strips back the sheets. Shane shivers, his anger boiling in his veins, before shooting out of the bed.
"God damn it, Nate, where the FUCK are my clothes?" Shane demands harshly, lack of sleep and energy and life causing his temper to soar even higher.
Nate cowers a little, because Nate is all talk as usual and points to the suitcases in the corner. Shane Gray tears through the suitcases fiercely, until he finds his clothes, muttering words of anger and malice to himself that are actually directed at Nate.
"I'm still here, Shane," Nate says quietly in his little 'woe is me' voice.
"Unfortunately," Shane practically spits in response before going into the hotel bathroom – the cheap, sterile hotel bathroom – and slamming the door shut.
6 – difficulty concentrating, thinking or making decisions
Shane Gray tries to focus on the task at hand – the simple, easy task that shouldn't be difficult at all. He's only playing a simple racing game, that he knows like the back of his hand.
And yet, the game system in his hands feels foreign and new, and his brown wrinkles and crashes at the unfamiliar click of the buttons.
He tells himself to pick a turn – just a damn turn, Shane. They all go to the exact same place. The finish line. The end of the road.
And yet, his train of thought collapses and his fingers cease movement. He's lost the race, but he's just glad that the stress of the choice has been lifted.
His older brother asks him to play the exact same game later on, and Shane Gray looks down at his hands, which are shaking a little.
"Maybe later, Jason," Shane Gray says quietly.
Later doesn't come.
7 – thoughts of DEATH or SUICIDE
Shane Gray lays in bed, and he wonders for a moment if he really does care anymore. Does he care about the parents that haven't helped him at all? Does he care about the brothers who don't even acknowledge his brokenness? Does he care about the girlfriend that sees his pain, but wants to believe his pretty lies?
And the answer – the simply word that kills him the most, that breaks is heart...
Is yes.
*
all you ever need to know about katie. right there.
please review with more than "so sad" or "i loved it," thanks.