Easy A
Well, I don't own any of these characters, though I wish I did, but sadly, I don't! anyway, enjoy!
The rumors of my promiscuity have been greatly exaggerated. I used to anonyms invisible to the human eye. If Google earth was a human being, they couldn't find me dressed up as a 10 story building. Just another of what every high school student body calls, 'cute nerd with no potential.' Or, "obvious closet case' pretty cutting in stuff huh? A high school boy feeling anonyms. Wondering, 'oh why am I here?' 'Am I really just a cute nerd with no potential?' 'Will I never be loved?' ble!
Well, that's bullshit. This isn't that kind of story. Though, it sure started out that way. And then it changed pretty quickly when I started lying about some very personal stuff. My sexual orientation to be exact. So let the record show, I Kyle Brovflovski, being a sound mind, umm, quite on the short side, red hair, skinny, swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth… Starting now. And what better way to share my private thoughts than to broadcast them on the internet? So here it is. Part one.
The shudder inducing and clichéd account, about how my supposedly sexual orientation affected my social life.
Ok. But first, Let me just begin, by saying that there is two sides. And this is my side. The right one.
Friday.
So this is how it all began. The lie that started everything.
I'm walking through the halls of South Park high. Minding my own business books in hand. Until,
"Oof!"
Cartman and his little gang, of whom I presume is Butters, a blonde headed boy, quite shy, sky blue eyes, and practically a minion to Cartman. And of Kenny, also blonde, but with darker blue eyes. He's much more out going and… a pervert. Just what this high school needs. Yippee! Had to walk by making me fall to the ground and drop my books. Passing by me, looking at me with a smug face. I growled slightly picking up my books and papers. Meanwhile, my super best friend Stan, who is an openly bi-sexual football player, commented on my latest excuse.
"Dude, are you serious? Ashley? Out of all the god-damn people in the world it had to be a girl named Ashley she doesn't even sound hot." he asked boredly. I finished grabbing my books and stood up.
"Don't worry dude. She's a total babe. Plus, it was my super best friend who said I need to… expand my social status, other than books and studies, so yeah. Just like you said?" I replied. Stan scoffed.
"Well yeah, but when I said that, , I was implying for you to go out with me, just to try you know? Hell! We're practically a couple already! We could do a lot of stuff together especially this weekend-"
"Stan, you do realize what we're talking about right now? We sound like total fags. We should be talking about football, and basketball, and stuff like that. Besides, you're my best friend and the last thing I want is to ruin this friendship. That and I know you'll just force me into going to those stupid family reunions of yours this weekend. Like I haven't been to a million already."
"But Kyle! I get sooo bored over there I need to be with my best bud so I can actually make it through those long hours of boredom! It's the whole fucking weekend!" He cried. I laughed as we walked towards the end of the school. It's not that I don't want to hang out with Stan this weekend, which I kind of don't, but, his parents are so weird. And I live in South Park, Colorado. Especially his dad. Always talking about crazy stuff, and coming up with crazy antics. Like I need that. Once I stayed over for dinner.
"So Sharon, that's what I think! If we could all just pitch in, we could buy the margaritaville deluxe!" Randy shouted waving his fork in the air. Sharon and Stan pinched the bridge of their noses.
"Say Kyle, maybe you could loan me some money-
"Dad! Don't ask Kyle for money. Dads NEVER ask their son's friends for money." Stan said. Randy grumbled.
"Well I do-"
"Yea but you shouldn't!" and, that's how a whole argument started, because of some stupid margaritaville. And I said never again.
So I lied saying I hade a date with some sexy Ashley.
"The answer is no, Stan. I've got a date with…"
"Ashley? You already forgot her name? And you don't even know the chick, and she doesn't even go to this school! Hey what if the date is a total disaster, it's just that, you've never really had the balls to ask a girl here at school out." Stan asked curiously. I scoffed. He knows I've tried asking girls here at school out.
"What if you play for the other team?"
"Stan!"
"You, know what? Don't go to my family reunion! Have fun with your so called Ashley. See if I care bitch." He said pointing at me. I laughed and patted his back.
"That's real good Stan"
Ding! Ding!
And that's the bell for home. I said my goodbyes to Stan, still believing I have a date with some hot girl Ashley this weekend. Though, this is how my weekend actually turned out.
Friday night-
I opened the door to my room. Wearing my Terrance and Phillip pajamas. I had just received some card from some random relative. Who sent me the card for my birthday. Even though it's not my birthday until the 26th. I opened it and when I did, there was a 10 dollar bill and,
I've got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine, I've got a
I closed the card immediately. Making a face of disgust.
"Yuck. Worst song ever!" I tossed the card on my bed and then hopped on to the bed myself wondering why, would a relative give me, a card like that. Plus it was girly which did not help much because of the fact; I kind of looked like one. I put on my headphones, soon drifting off to sleep.
Saturday morning- I woke up tiredly walking down the stairs, to be greeted by my parents and my brother.
"Morning bubbe." My mom said happily not looking away from what she was doing. My dad was reading the newspaper, sipping on coffee. He looked up at me.
"Morning son. How did you sleep?"
"Fine." I said boredly sitting down next to my brother Ike.
"Hey, guess what I got on my English exam dude!" Ike told me while eating a piece of toast. I nodded my head waiting for an answer. Ike is really smart I'm sure he got 100. Ike is a super smart Canadian who's of course, a genius.
"100!" and I was right. I smiled rubbing my eyes tiredly. My mom handed me a plate of food and orange juice. I ate, and then went back upstairs. This is so boring.
Saturday afternoon.
"Do what you want but you're never gonna break me sticks and stones are never gonna shake me. Oh Woah Woah!" I sang quietly to my self. God. Reading about random science shit and singing to that stupid song is boring. I got up and logged on to my face book. Maybe I should've gone to Stan's reunion…
Sunday morning.
"I got a!" I opened the card just so I could say that part,
"I got a!" I sang along,
"I got a!"
"I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine!" wow what an irregular way to start the morning.
Sunday afternoon.
"I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine!" I sang while running my hands through my hair with shampoo. I grabbed the shower head.
"I got a love and I know that it's all mine oh! Woah whoa!"
Sunday night.
"TAKE ME AWAY! A SECRET PLACE! A SWEET ESCAPE! ON HOLIDAY! " I sang loudly dancing to the card. Making weird dance moves and jumping around my room. Until of course, the battery, I think, got wasted. I looked at the card awkwardly, closing it then tucking myself into bed. God I feel like such a fag.
But on Monday, when Stan asked me how my weekend was,
"She was nice, you know, she was a real sweetheart, you know it feels like I got a love and I know that it's all mine!" I told him. Stan scoffed.
"Well lucky you. You know how I had to spend my weekend? I had to hear my grandpa call me Billy; watch my dad discuss his newest obsession, and my sister hitting me on the head every few minutes. It totally sucked! So anyway, are you going to see her again?" he asked. I sighed nervously thinking of what to say.
"No, nah, probably not you know just one of those weekends" Stan stopped abruptly. I looked at him worried something might've happened. He grabbed both my shoulders.
"Dude you got laid didn't you? She definitely brought her friends didn't she! Woah I didn't know you had it in ya!" he yelled. I smiled nervously.
"Dude, you know I'm not the kind to hit that, then quit that, I'm not that kind of guy especially threesomes-"
"You totally did that! You liar! I can't believe you don't have the balls to tell you're super best friend you're a perverted slut who dressed up as a nerd just to cover up your indecency. you little cocky bastard"
I covered his mouth darting my eyes everywhere leading him into the bathroom.
"I didn't fucking get laid!" I shouted. he frowned. Then tapped his head, then looked at me.
"Dude, then you DO play for the other team!" he shouted. he looked as if he were about to pass out. I grabbed his shoulders giving him a confused look.
"Woah! Woah! Who said anything about me being gay?" I asked angrily. he chuckled.
"WH-what? What?"
"It makes perfect sense now! if she was as hot as you said she was, you would've totally banged her. Unless, of course, you…" he spun around the pointed at me.
"Played for the other team!" I scoffed. If he wanted that answer, so be it.
"Fine yes. I did have a threesome. Actually, foursome one of her friends brought a guy over." He jumped up and down excitedly, hugged me, and then looked into my eyes.
"This is so fucking awesome, yet disturbing, yet, still awesome!" he shouted. I smiled. I don't know why I did it. I guess it was just to prove Stan a point that I didn't need people telling me who I was or anything like that. I some how, felt… superior to Stan right now. And that's a pretty good feeling when you're a nerd, who gets beat up for no reason at all.
We heard someone walking out of the stalls, and then going to wash their hands. And it had to be, Eric Cartman. He looked at me with a smug face. Stan glared at him.
"What are you looking at fatass?" he asked angrily. Cartman glared at him then wiped his hands.
"Oh nothing. Just seeing the two fags have at it, while I am trying to keep my mind sound and pure." He snapped back. Stan was about to say something by I cut him off.
"Oh shut up you tub of lard! You don't even know, or care of what we're talking about!" Eric Cartman. Fat, manipulative, rotten and just plain evil. He's the vice president of the student council there fore giving him the 'athouratah' and superior to well, me the nerd.
"Shut up Jew! Like we need another little Jewish perv, running around our school. I'll have to have a talk with the president." I glared at him as he opened the door and walked out.
"What an ass" I growled. Stan looked at me. I shrugged at him, then walking out of the bathroom. If there was one thing I knew about rumors, they spread fast. And which leads me to part two.
The accelerated velocity of terminological inexactitude. This is my obnoxious way of saying that lies travel fast. And boy did my terminological inexactitude accelerate with velocity. Everywhere I went, eyes were on me. Every time I passed a girl, they would look at me with hunger in their eyes.
I see Cartman walking up to me along with Butters.
"Well, looks like someone has to watch where they say their deepest darkest secrets huh jew?" he asked smirking.
"Umm, yeah, about that, can I talk to you alone for a minute?" He looked at Butters.
"A-are you going to be ok Eric?" he asked sweetly. Eric smiled.
"Of course, see you later."
"Bye Butters!" I shouted.
"Listen, Eric, what you heard in the bathroom was not true at all. Actually it's a funny story-" he cut me off.
"Kyle. That's your name right?"
"Yeah we've known each other since pre-school. you're the one who brought back that whole Nazi against Jews faze."
"Yeah. I'm not the one you have to answer to for your depraved behavior. Theres a higher power that will judge you for your indecency." He smiled evilly pointing up at the sky. I frowned.
"Tom Cruise?" I asked wittingly.
"Hmm. I just hope for your sake, that god has a sense of humor. He's forgiven me, why not have him forgive you?"
"Oh I have 17 years of full proof advantage. I have proof he does."
"Hmm, you've made your bet, Jew. Not only are you Jewish, but, sleeping with people under the age, and being accused of a homosexual." And with that he stormed off.
"Does that mean I'm saved?" I called. So Cartman spread the rumor. For the first time ever, everyone had their eyes on me.
"Hey, Kyle looking good today" a girl said touching my shoulder slightly.
"Hi, girl I've never spoken to" I replied. And it's true I was looking good today. Instead of wearing my usual dress shirts, and pants, I was wearing black skinny jeans, all-stars, and a dark green v-neck. Plus, I'm not wearing my glasses. Instead I had on contacts. Hey, if this rumor is going to affect me, might as well go with the flow right? I winked at some girls, who giggled slightly. I even heard some dudes gasp slightly. Hmm, it's not that I
Tuesday night
"Mom, dad?" I asked while playing with my food. They looked up from their plates.
"Yes bubbe what's the matter?"
"You guys know I was here all weekend right?"
"Of course! You were upstairs in your room." I nodded. Ike looked at me.
"Hey I like your pants!" he said looking at them. I stared at them.
"Yeah. They're from Cosco. When you're a little bit taller I'll give 'em to you." Ike sighed.
"I'm never going to go through puberty" my mom patted Ike's back.
"Of course you are. We Brovflovski's are late bloomers."
"Yeah, but why does that matter? I'm adopted." Ike retorted. My dad slammed his hand on the fridge.
"Damn it! How did you know?" he cried turning around to face Ike. He walked towards my mom. Ike and I rolled our eyes.
"We were supposed to tell him when the time was right!" I took this as a chance to pipe in.
"So we all agree that I was here all weekend right?" I asked.
"Yes. You were here." They said.
The next day-
Remember how I said if google earth was a human being, they couldn't find me if I was dressed up as a 10 story building, well now, it could find me if I was dressed up as a crack on the side walk.
"Hey Kyle" a girl giggled.
"Hey Kyle my man! What's up dude?" some random guy I've never seen before put their arms around my shoulder. I shook it off.
"Hi, umm, person"
"Stay cool dude!" and then he walked away.
I really didn't mean for the lie to put me on the map, but being on the map felt… pretty good. I turned and looked at the students staring at me. they all gasped and looked away, as if minding their own business. I turned and smiled inwardly.
"Alright you little weirdoes today we're learning about impurity and indecency" Mr. Garrison said walking rapidly into the class
"Well! Would anyone want to start a conversation?" he asked angrily. I choked slightly. Well this is just great. Isn't it ironic how what you learn at school, somehow has to relate to what you're passing through in real life?
"I think it's about time we should talk about Kyle's new behavior? He's acting like a total perverted slut. Not even our Kenny would have a FOURSOME; hear me people, a FOURSOME with innocent girls. I hear you're hooking up with every thing with legs aren't you Kyle?" ok, that has gone too far. The next thing I know I'm punching Cartman across the face.
So this was my first story, I'll defiantly be continuing it if it's good! I hoped you liked it, and please review!