'Stashing Through the Snow
by Mizhowlinmad (HBF), 2010
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: D9 and all related characters belong to /Tristar. I do this strictly for the swieties and not for profit.
Dedicated: To all my fellow crazy fokken' Sharlto Copley fans. Geseende Kersfees!
It's not supposed to get this fokken' cold in my country. Ever. I still vividly remember the few snowflakes that fell over Jo'burg back in '83. Everybody does. It was sort of kief, you know, everyone stopping what they were doing to see, and the bloody prawns walking around in a sort of dwaal.
That was then, this is now. I'm freezing my ballasoff, and I feel like such a mompie in this rented ski suit. Like the Michelin Man in some of those American adverts. But Tania likes it up here, so what am I going to say? I'll do anything for her.
She's been coming here for years, every August, and the Smits even have their own timeshare chalet. It's a vacation home, and it's still bigger than any city flat I ever laid eyes on. Much bigger than my old place. Like everything else in their family, the Smits only want the best, and the biggest. I'm the exception…that's why I'm the in-law.
How did I wind up here in the Drakensberg, anyway?
Wikus, you've got to try skiing at least once, Tania told me back home. And looked at me with those soft eyes. Like I said, there's nothing that look won't compel me to do. So here I am.
We've been up at Tiffendell for a few days now. I'm ready to go home. Nothing but a bunch of Rooinecks and dagga-heads and skollies trying to show off on the slopes. And snow. Lots of the white stuff. If I'd been in charge of our summer vacation, we'd have headed straight to Clifton on the Cape and settled in for a week of drinks by the pool, not to mention…
I think I'm grinning. Being married to Tania still feels like a dream sometimes. How I got this lucky, I may never know.
She appears, coming to an effortless sliding stop at the bottom of the run. Even in her pink and grey ski suit, she still looks like an angel. A snow angel, maybe. Her cheeks are even pink. She's smiling from ear to ear, and looks beautiful.
"Hi, baby," she says. "Want to ride up with me? I promise I won't let you fall."
My backside is still sore from the first few times she promised me that. I laugh nervously. "Just now, baby. I'm, um, enjoying the view, you know? Getting some fresh air?"
Tania frowns. Even her frown line is beautiful. "Well, you're missing all the fun. Won't you take at least one more run with me?" she begs.
Like I said, how could I say no? Might give me a chance to get some quality grauching in on the chairlift, eh?
xxx
It was freezing on the ground. It's colder up here. If I didn't have gloves on, I think my hands would freeze right on the metal.
To make things worse, there's a really fokken' big oke sitting on either side of Tania and me. These guys look they should be playing second row for the Boks, not skiing.
And I'm convinced Tania is checking them out. Or maybe she isn't. Who knows? Maybe I'm just going bossies after a year together with my beautiful, intelligent wife. Getting a little paranoid, just like when I have to stop myself from looking at the secretary or the girl at the newsstand.
She's a woman. They do that too, right? Don't they?
The chairlift ride feels a lot longer than it is. It maybe lasted two minutes, but it felt more like an hour. We're at the top of the slope again. It's the beginners' run. Looking down, it might as well be Mt. Everest.
"Don't worry," Tania whispers in my ear. She's right behind me, her hair brushing softly against my smooth cheek. "I won't let you fall, baby. Just keep your toes in a 'V' like I showed you, and I'll be right behind you."
Courage. That's just one of the things she gives me. I just gulp, say a quick prayer, and push myself forward.
At first it's easy. I'm sliding forward, slowly but surely, and I probably look like a gesuip duck, but I'm not falling. I'm starting to pick up speed. The wind is rushing past my face. It's pretty exhilarating, almost like when I scored a perfect 100 percent for the company audit last year.
And then I see them. The two big rugby-size okes from the chairlift. They may have the bodies of gorillas, but they're swooshing gracefully down the slope like snow leopards. Making it look so easy.
Bliksem…they are checking out my wife! I'll show them!
There's something pounding inside me now. I think it's anger.
I'm drawing even with them now, all thoughts of crossing my toes forgotten. I need speed…pure speed. And I'm getting it. My poles are held in a death grip parallel to my skis.
Somewhere behind me, growing fainter with every passing second, I hear Tania's voice. She sounds worried somehow.
"Wikusssss!"
But I can't stop now. I'm a springbok on skis, and I'm swift and strong and invincible. I can beat those…
WHAM!
I see the chairlift base pole a split second before I make impact.
If I am a springbok, it is a lion.
Everything is black.
xxx
If I'm dead, I know there is a heaven, because there is a beautiful angel looking down at me, and she looks so worried. It takes me a minute to realize that it's Tania.
"Wikus? Can you hear me?"
There are others, too. I can't see how many, because my head feels like the world's worst babbelas, and things are blurring and going in and out of focus.
"How many fingers, baby?"
"Isit?"
She has a deep frown. She turns to talk to someone.
I'm trying to remember how I got here. Then everything comes back. The chairlift…the two big guys…me feeling pissed…going faster, faster….then….
I groan. This is why I don't voluntarily do any of the kak that involves running, kicking, scrumming, or in this case, skiing. I try to limit my athletic pursuits to lawn bowling and the occasional game of pub darts.
Something is bothering me, and it's not the babbelas headache. It's the fact that Tania was, even for a minute, looking at some other oke. I have to do something about that. What could those guys possibly have that I don't have?
Money? Well, Tania has her larney father. That's not what I'm for.
Athletic ability? She deserves more than some stupid jock in takkies.
A better job? There's no better employer than MNU in all of South Africa.
A sports car? It'll break down long before my Monza does.
And then I realize what it is.
"Baby, can you get me up?"
"Wikus, you need a doctor. You just took a really hard klap, and you may have a concussion," she says.
"I just need to sit down. I'll be fine."
And just like that, the curious crowd, including the big guys, go off. I guess I'm not exciting enough if I'm still alive.
Tania moves me over to one of the benches next to the chairlift, gently guiding me. She's not convinced of my quick recovery.
"I'm still going to have a look at you." She starts looking at my eyes, my forehead, my lips. I think she'd have made a wonderful nurse. Her bedside manner is just lekker.
"Tania, what would you think if…"
"Yes?" She immediately perks. I have her attention.
"What would you say if I grew a mustache?"
For some reason, she starts laughing. Her laughter is just like an angel's, too.
"Oh, Wikus. Whatever made you think of that?" she asks, still laughing. She kisses me on one cheek. "Come on, let's get back to the chalet, and I'll make you a cup of tea."
"I love you, baby."
"And I love you, Meneer van de Merwe…"
That settles it. As of tomorrow, I'm not shaving until I get it just right.
Fini